who is responsible?
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
who is responsible?
The message that I am responsbile for my own misery or happiness is one that I must consistantly remind myself of until assuming that responsibility is habit, not effort. Most days I am there, but some days I sink a little, start to wallow in misery I perceive as created, and thus controlled by someone else and then I need that re-enforcement that daily readings, SR and meetings bring to me. The simple Just for Today reminder we read in Naranon helps ( Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be." ) The quote that is now my signature line helps. Readings like this help too. :ghug
You are reading from the book:The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
No one likes a martyr.
How do we feel around martyrs? Guilty, angry, trapped, negative, and anxious to get away. Somehow, many of us have developed the belief that depriving ourselves, not taking care of ourselves, being a victim, and suffering needlessly will get us what we want.
It is our job to notice our abilities, our strengths, and take care of ourselves by developing and acting on them.
It is our job to notice our pain and weariness and appropriately take care of ourselves.
It is our job to notice our deprivation, too, and begin to take steps to give ourselves abundance. It begins inside of us, by changing what we believe we deserve, by giving up our deprivation and treating ourselves the way we deserve to be treated.
Life is hard, but we don't have to make it more difficult by neglecting ourselves. There is no glory in suffering, only suffering. Our pain will not stop when a rescuer comes, but when we take responsibility for ourselves and stop our own pain.
Today, I will be my own rescuer. I will stop waiting for someone else to work through my issues and solve my problems for me.
You are reading from the book:The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
No one likes a martyr.
How do we feel around martyrs? Guilty, angry, trapped, negative, and anxious to get away. Somehow, many of us have developed the belief that depriving ourselves, not taking care of ourselves, being a victim, and suffering needlessly will get us what we want.
It is our job to notice our abilities, our strengths, and take care of ourselves by developing and acting on them.
It is our job to notice our pain and weariness and appropriately take care of ourselves.
It is our job to notice our deprivation, too, and begin to take steps to give ourselves abundance. It begins inside of us, by changing what we believe we deserve, by giving up our deprivation and treating ourselves the way we deserve to be treated.
Life is hard, but we don't have to make it more difficult by neglecting ourselves. There is no glory in suffering, only suffering. Our pain will not stop when a rescuer comes, but when we take responsibility for ourselves and stop our own pain.
Today, I will be my own rescuer. I will stop waiting for someone else to work through my issues and solve my problems for me.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I love that Greet. We can live in the problem as a victim, or live in the solution of recovery as a survivor...in the end the choice is really all ours.
Martyr? The only person who ever listened to my whines was me, and even I got tired of it after a while.
Nope, today I choose to live well, be happy and take good care of myself because I'm worth all of it.
Hugs
Martyr? The only person who ever listened to my whines was me, and even I got tired of it after a while.
Nope, today I choose to live well, be happy and take good care of myself because I'm worth all of it.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Great post, Greet !
And so true !!
I lived the life of a martyr for a long time.
I thought it was the right way to live...
probably because I was raised to 'serve others' before myself....
And although service to others is important...it has its place.
When my service or devotion to others becomes a burden that weighs me down, I live in resentment and thats no way to live. Not at all.
Its all about balance, isn't it?
And finding a healthy balance can be tough sometimes but oh so worth it.
And so true !!
I lived the life of a martyr for a long time.
I thought it was the right way to live...
probably because I was raised to 'serve others' before myself....
And although service to others is important...it has its place.
When my service or devotion to others becomes a burden that weighs me down, I live in resentment and thats no way to live. Not at all.
Its all about balance, isn't it?
And finding a healthy balance can be tough sometimes but oh so worth it.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
I always used it as a means of approval. For others to recognize my worth because I really had no self worth. It made me Feel strong, but in reality it weakened me because I never got that approval no matter what I sacraficed. Just for today, I give myself that approval and love that I crave.
B
B
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Greeteachday,
I try to think I have never played the martyr but you know that isn't so. Through the years I watched my Geriatric Clients as they went through their group therapy for depression and saw some that I referred to as: "Wallowing in their Depression"...I felt that I was judging them too harshly but it was frustrating to watch week after week.
When I finished college and started working at Mental Health...I still had major depression in some stability after I quit drinking and took my meds. I have learned that I have to work daily on my depression and mood levels to stay stable...
I do all the things such as self-talk, meditation, & especially the Serenity Prayer to help me see what I am doing or not doing.
I readily admit if I am in a depression...especially to my husband and a lot of the time I can work my way through it in a day or two...I used to tell myself I was getting the flu again and that was why I didn't feel good...I don't do that anymore...the longer I let myself believe I am not depressed the worse my depression will get before I do something to take care of ME!
This used to make me feel uncomfortable because I was used to being the daughter, mother, and wife who took care of everyone but myself. In my case, I guess this could be being a martyr because in my mind I was always thinking that I never had time for myself because the family needed me.
I don't think that way anymore and I can say absolutely NO when I need my time for myself.
Of course there are always situations that don't come under a NO category like when my husband was just in the hospital in critical condition from pneumonia and I need to help with his care at home because he is still weak...& because I love him and want him around a few more years.
kelsh
I try to think I have never played the martyr but you know that isn't so. Through the years I watched my Geriatric Clients as they went through their group therapy for depression and saw some that I referred to as: "Wallowing in their Depression"...I felt that I was judging them too harshly but it was frustrating to watch week after week.
When I finished college and started working at Mental Health...I still had major depression in some stability after I quit drinking and took my meds. I have learned that I have to work daily on my depression and mood levels to stay stable...
I do all the things such as self-talk, meditation, & especially the Serenity Prayer to help me see what I am doing or not doing.
I readily admit if I am in a depression...especially to my husband and a lot of the time I can work my way through it in a day or two...I used to tell myself I was getting the flu again and that was why I didn't feel good...I don't do that anymore...the longer I let myself believe I am not depressed the worse my depression will get before I do something to take care of ME!
This used to make me feel uncomfortable because I was used to being the daughter, mother, and wife who took care of everyone but myself. In my case, I guess this could be being a martyr because in my mind I was always thinking that I never had time for myself because the family needed me.
I don't think that way anymore and I can say absolutely NO when I need my time for myself.
Of course there are always situations that don't come under a NO category like when my husband was just in the hospital in critical condition from pneumonia and I need to help with his care at home because he is still weak...& because I love him and want him around a few more years.
kelsh
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
Wow Greet!....Thanks....I needed this reminder today.
With all that he put me through I used to play the martyr because I thought it was my right. I was the victim, right? I gave myself up as the sacraficial lamb to his addiction and his addictive behaviors.
Truth is...I didn't know that it was possible to play any other role. Until I too got tired of my own whining and suffering. Now I no longer play the victim. My role in life right now is to bring happiness and fulfillment to myself. I don't count on others to do it for me.
With all that he put me through I used to play the martyr because I thought it was my right. I was the victim, right? I gave myself up as the sacraficial lamb to his addiction and his addictive behaviors.
Truth is...I didn't know that it was possible to play any other role. Until I too got tired of my own whining and suffering. Now I no longer play the victim. My role in life right now is to bring happiness and fulfillment to myself. I don't count on others to do it for me.
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