hope in divorce
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Sunny, AZ
Posts: 60
hope in divorce
Hi everyone,
I hope you are enjoying your weekend, its beautiful here!
I am looking for your experiences and hope in ugly divorce situations. I feel very overwhelmed! My AH is mentally quite unstable, in fact was just discharged from a psych unit last week. He's volatile, depressed, actively using, and takes no responsibily for anything. We have some joint debt and I don't know how I'm going to get through this financially, especially since his disease appears to have crippled him to the point where he can't work productively with me.
Where I'm at: I haven't filed papers yet, or even spoken to a lawyer. Our bank accounts are seperated, and that's about it. We've been living seperately for about 1 month; I'm currently staying at a friend's house, so I'm in a safe environment, and he's still in our home (both of our names are on the mortgage). I have signed a lease with my friend on a new house, where we will move in on June 1st.
I'm calling a lawyer tomorrow, but in the meantime, I know many of you out there have left your troubled, addicted A's. Divorce is hard, but in light of addiction and people who can't cope, seems impossible. If you have experience, strenght and hope to share, I'd so appreciate it.
I hope you are enjoying your weekend, its beautiful here!
I am looking for your experiences and hope in ugly divorce situations. I feel very overwhelmed! My AH is mentally quite unstable, in fact was just discharged from a psych unit last week. He's volatile, depressed, actively using, and takes no responsibily for anything. We have some joint debt and I don't know how I'm going to get through this financially, especially since his disease appears to have crippled him to the point where he can't work productively with me.
Where I'm at: I haven't filed papers yet, or even spoken to a lawyer. Our bank accounts are seperated, and that's about it. We've been living seperately for about 1 month; I'm currently staying at a friend's house, so I'm in a safe environment, and he's still in our home (both of our names are on the mortgage). I have signed a lease with my friend on a new house, where we will move in on June 1st.
I'm calling a lawyer tomorrow, but in the meantime, I know many of you out there have left your troubled, addicted A's. Divorce is hard, but in light of addiction and people who can't cope, seems impossible. If you have experience, strenght and hope to share, I'd so appreciate it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: CARVER, MA
Posts: 21
:ghug3katyk
It is not easy to decide that you want to leave. I myself kept giving 2nd and 3rd chances. It is not an easy path that you have started but there is light at the end of it. There is always pain, anger, and sadness. But coming on SR, is a good start. As some one suggested to me earlier one step at a time.
It is not easy to decide that you want to leave. I myself kept giving 2nd and 3rd chances. It is not an easy path that you have started but there is light at the end of it. There is always pain, anger, and sadness. But coming on SR, is a good start. As some one suggested to me earlier one step at a time.
Starry Girl
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
I'm just beginning the divorce process. The papers are filed but not served yet. It's HARD. My advice would be to first and foremost get a GOOD lawyer, no matter what the cost. It's so important to protect your interests. Don't share a lawyer with your ex, make sure you have someone who will represent your interests alone.
Get ready for a loooong waiting period. In my state it takes over six months. It's hurry up and wait sort of thing. Also I was surprised at how much my ex and I are expected to work out on our own. We basically have to come up with the whole settle ment and hope the judge approves it. Sort of hard when you hate each other.
Get some support, as much as you can. These days are cold and lonely. Keep coming here and elsewhere when you can. I hope your journey is easier than mine is turning out to be.
Get ready for a loooong waiting period. In my state it takes over six months. It's hurry up and wait sort of thing. Also I was surprised at how much my ex and I are expected to work out on our own. We basically have to come up with the whole settle ment and hope the judge approves it. Sort of hard when you hate each other.
Get some support, as much as you can. These days are cold and lonely. Keep coming here and elsewhere when you can. I hope your journey is easier than mine is turning out to be.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: ca
Posts: 103
katyk -
When my husband and I separated he was extremely unstable (mentally, physically). I consulted an attorney (most states have a state bar sponsored website that will hook you up with attorneys that specialize in family law in your area, possibly with addiction experience). Each state has different rules and it is very important for you to protect yourself first. That's been the hardest thing for me in all of this, especially after I gave so many years of my life being the doormat/cushion for my husband's addiction.
Please take care of yourself.
There is hope in this. My husband and I have been separated 5 months and I can say that my life is getting better in every way, thanks to the strength I find in NarAnon meetings and working the 12 steps.
good luck. hope for the best - plan for the worst.
When my husband and I separated he was extremely unstable (mentally, physically). I consulted an attorney (most states have a state bar sponsored website that will hook you up with attorneys that specialize in family law in your area, possibly with addiction experience). Each state has different rules and it is very important for you to protect yourself first. That's been the hardest thing for me in all of this, especially after I gave so many years of my life being the doormat/cushion for my husband's addiction.
Please take care of yourself.
There is hope in this. My husband and I have been separated 5 months and I can say that my life is getting better in every way, thanks to the strength I find in NarAnon meetings and working the 12 steps.
good luck. hope for the best - plan for the worst.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by katyk 
My AH is mentally quite unstable, in fact was just discharged from a psych unit last week. He's volatile, depressed, actively using, and takes no responsibily for anything.
We have some joint debt
Though you have joint debt, you may as well look at it as "you" have the total debt. The law says 50/50 but debtors say...your name is on it, you are 100%/100% and if he doesn't pay, you must. So think on things in that light as you make plans for the future. Selling the house and paying off as much debt as you can with the sale so that all accounts with your name on them can be closed out would be a good idea.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
KatyK
I'm in the middle of divorcing my AH. Paperwork, for anything, so far has been the hardest thing. He just does NOT want to fill them out. He won't get preapproval from a lender (because he probably can't), he didn't want to fill out the Disclosure Docs (legally required), etc. he just wants to do this divorce his way, which is no work (just like our marriage .... hmmmmmm).
Mine appears to be in some alternate state of reality - wanting what he wants, regardless of what he actually has. My State is a no-fault state, so eventually we can push all this through regardless of how much cooperation I guess (Thank you CatsPajamas for letting me know this to ask my atty.) But it's going to get difficult when it comes to the house - but that too can be pushed into the legal system where he will have to put up or shut up and get out.
All you can do is #1 - Protect yourself, #2 - make sure all your paperwork and anything that is required is done. That way, when you can move forward, you're ready to go.
My atty. seems to be good and understand addiction - but not sure how much. I am aware that $ can run up quickly, and because I don't have a bottomless wallet, I am not shy about giving my atty. directions as to what I feel is a waste of time. I tell him why and if he still feels it's important regardless he has to explain it to me, but it's my divorce and my call, bottomline!
Divorce isn't easy, and then to try to divorce an addict is an added stress, and then throw more mental issues of any kind on top of it which skews reality, or the inability to deal with reality... It seems hopeless. But, one way or another, I have faith that if this is our decision and what we need to do, there will be a way.
Good luck to you in all this. Remember to take care of yourself. It will be exhausting at times!
I'm in the middle of divorcing my AH. Paperwork, for anything, so far has been the hardest thing. He just does NOT want to fill them out. He won't get preapproval from a lender (because he probably can't), he didn't want to fill out the Disclosure Docs (legally required), etc. he just wants to do this divorce his way, which is no work (just like our marriage .... hmmmmmm).
Mine appears to be in some alternate state of reality - wanting what he wants, regardless of what he actually has. My State is a no-fault state, so eventually we can push all this through regardless of how much cooperation I guess (Thank you CatsPajamas for letting me know this to ask my atty.) But it's going to get difficult when it comes to the house - but that too can be pushed into the legal system where he will have to put up or shut up and get out.
All you can do is #1 - Protect yourself, #2 - make sure all your paperwork and anything that is required is done. That way, when you can move forward, you're ready to go.
My atty. seems to be good and understand addiction - but not sure how much. I am aware that $ can run up quickly, and because I don't have a bottomless wallet, I am not shy about giving my atty. directions as to what I feel is a waste of time. I tell him why and if he still feels it's important regardless he has to explain it to me, but it's my divorce and my call, bottomline!
Divorce isn't easy, and then to try to divorce an addict is an added stress, and then throw more mental issues of any kind on top of it which skews reality, or the inability to deal with reality... It seems hopeless. But, one way or another, I have faith that if this is our decision and what we need to do, there will be a way.
Good luck to you in all this. Remember to take care of yourself. It will be exhausting at times!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Please consider meeting with an attorney before executing a lease on a rental.
It sounds to me like you already share a mortgage and other debt and as poster "best" said, 50-50 often turns into 100-100 when it comes right down to the line.
Can you afford to make a house payment and rent?
Does it make sense to know all your options before you take on more debt?
It sounds to me like you already share a mortgage and other debt and as poster "best" said, 50-50 often turns into 100-100 when it comes right down to the line.
Can you afford to make a house payment and rent?
Does it make sense to know all your options before you take on more debt?
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