keepitreal

I would appreciate any feedback on an ugly situation. My husband is a crack addict/alcoholic. We have been together for 13 years, married for 3. He has been addicted for 20 years, incarcerated 3'x. He leaves us for days without a phone call home. I usually can find him in one of his "spots", either in the woods with the local bums or in abandon buildings. I see him on the street pan-handling for money because he know's that I won't give him any. He is unpredictable, in and out of our two son's 12 and 10 lives constantly. He comes home like nothing ever happened. He lives a double life. It is embarrasing and disrespectful. I feel trapped and numb. I want to feel ANGRY, but can only feel sorrow for him. I have not been consistant with keeping him out of the home. He can become irrate and disrespectful. I deal with depression and often shut down. It's easier to avoid the confict. He manipulates me and then I fall back into the trap of letting him come back. When sober, he is a loving family man and that's what I hold on to. When he is gone on his binges, I sabotage myself and lose focus of what I need because I worry about him so much. I know what I have to do, it's just finding the strength to follow through. This has become my sickness and addiction and I don't know how to change it. Any feedback and friends to add will be greatly appreciated.

Bean

My husband of 12 years is also a crach addict. It has to one of the most evil drugs I have ever witnessed. I know exactly what you mean about the double life they lead. For the last while I have felt like I was sicker then he was to allow this to continue in my home with my children. Right now you need to focus on you and you alone. It helped me to assume that everytime he walked out the door he was going to be gone for days, it was just easier to deal with. Once I no longer allowed him to control me emotionally like that it became so much easier to let him go! Were in the midst of seperation now and I have never felt stronger. I just need to keep looking forward and know that the man I married is no longer. Take Care and pm me anytime, I do understand exactly where your at and it is not easy!!!

Freedom1990

Posting here is a huge positive step for you, and I hope you stick around.

Your husband sounds so much like my ex, only I was with mine 5 years and had to leave for my own safety and sanity.

I know what that's like to be depressed and just flat out not want to deal with it.

Mine would disappear too for periods of time, he cheated on me, and he had already been in the penitentiary twice when I met him.

I really did fall hook line and sinker for his stories of he was just misunderstood, blah blah blah.

One of my greatest regrets is that I stayed as long as I did.

I know that kind of environment had a huge impact on my oldest daughter, now 30 and an active addict/alcoholic herself.

Please keep posting and sharing your pain. It does help. Sending warm hugs from Kansas :ghug2

keepitreal

Thank you for your reply. It is so comforting to know that others can relate and care. I'm glad that I have somewhere to turn and not be alone to harbor my feelings. Glad to hear that you both moved on, I hope one day I will have the strength to do the same!

lil516

Welcome to SR....

I am the mom of a recovering addict....

It is time to start taking steps to help yourself and your sons (posting here is a good start!)...
Please keep reading and posting and try to find some alanon meetings to attend

I do not want to add to your plate but you must consider the impact your husband's drug use is having on your pre-teens....they are just a few year away from the age that many of our children first used.....

slowly you will start to get the strength needed...
(((Prayers)))

hope213

welcome to S.R. you are among friends that have been there & care. my son is my addict & he is addicted to crack also. we all can relate to you. i am sorry you are going thru all of this. it is a long hard road with an addict & some never get clean. it is his choice to use & it is nothing you can do to stop him. all addicts have to hit a bottom in order to want to quit. this is not your fault. concentrate on you & your sons & what can make you happy reguardless of what he does. set boundries for your home. we r all here for you. it only gets worse & nothing changes if nothing changes. saying prayers for you, your sons & your husband. keep coming back.

bookmiser

((((((((((Keep)))))))))))))





Sending you a prayer for strength and courage.
Keep coming back.


Twenty-Third Psalm

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
he leads me beside still waters;
he restores my soul.
He leads me in right paths for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I fear no evil;
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff--they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
my whole life long.


- Psalms 23: 1-6

keepitreal

Thanks for all the love and support! It's nice to know there are honest, caring people who are willing to listen and share...hugs to all!:ghug

ZombieWife

And they use earlier and earlier. Some will look at the situation and think, "nope, not ever, not me." Others will do it because dad did it and all is ok. Others will say, "I'll do it to get back at him, to join him" <--- as weird as that sounds.

I am sorry you are having to go through this. Definitely sending you love and light. :ghug

Serenity8

Welcome, keepitreal. I am also dealing with a husband who is active with his addictions and I can relate to feeling numb about it. I think we have to do that to protect ourselves. But I also have children, though mine are younger, and I worry constantly about the impact this is going to have on them long term.

Posting here has been a huge help to me. I also attend local al-anon meetings when I can.

keepitreal

anvilhead...I respect what you have to say and I appreciate your honesty. I'd like to make it clear that I don't see this as being ok and that's why I have reached out! Like I said it has become such a sickness to myself. I am very aware of what is happening and I wish I could just "make that move", it's not that easy... Thanks for keeping it real for me, sometimes people need to hear that....

itisatruth

Welcome, glad you found this site and that you're reaching out. It's a good sign that you are taking the next step towards healing yourself. I joined about a month ago because 1) I didn't know what else to do and 2) I realized (finally) that my husband's drug use/addiction was making me as sick, emotionally and physically.

For a long time I thought that it was something that he had to fix about himself, that even though his addiction hurt me and made problems for me, he was still the only one with a problem. But I have been living with it for so long that now I have my own issues to deal with. And that issue is finding my own recovery and happiness.

I can't wait anymore for him to make my life complete. Never thought I would have to work towards "recovery" for myself, always thought that was only for the addict, but now I see that I need to learn to let go and stop trying to make him want to be better and concentrate on me. I am not there yet, but it is a process I think.

This has been my experience so far. I hope you soon find that your own experience improves and you start to find more peace in your life. Sending prayers and hugs, keep coming back.

keepitreal

Going to my first alanon meeting tonight...wish me luck.....I'm nervous as hell!

itisatruth

hey keep, good for you

I am planning to go to my first al-anon meeting tomorrow night and I'm nervous too. Let me know how it goes if you have time..... I have been putting it off for awhile, mostly because I tend to not like to talk about myself openly in person. Also, I thought maybe nar-anon would be more suited for me cuz my AH is not really a drinker, but I am thinking that his drug of choice won't matter as much cuz its a group for those of us living with addiction, alcohol or otherwise. I am hoping to find as much support there as I do here. Again, good for you and good luck, I'm sure it will be another step in the right direction.

bookmiser

Ya know when I went to my first alanon meeting, I was nervous too.
The people there were so friendly, though. Made me feel right at home.
When it came time for me to "share"...I burst into tears. I've never cried in
front of strangers before. By the end of the night, they weren't strangers.
They were friends. You need this. It'll be good for you.
I'm happy your going.

Hugs,

Bean

Oh good for you!! Please let me know how it goes!! I've been wanting to go for some time. I wish there was a nar-non meeting closer then 2hrs from me!

hello-kitty

You know what you have to do so write it down - write down your goals and write down your plan and stick with it no matter what. Read it every day and take babysteps. Do whatever it takes. It may feel uncomfortable at first because change is uncomfortable. But it gets easier. Momentum builds and you will look back and wonder why you didn't start changing sooner.

You must do what he cannot, that is be strong for yourself and your children. He has become your addiction. You can recovery but you gotta want to recovery. More than you want to stay sick.

Hangin' In

Keepitreal,

Welcome to SR. So glad you've found this great, supportive place.

The only way I've changed my life is by reading on here and adding meetings to my life. The disease of addiction was sucking ME down, also, and I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't wait for my AD to do something about her life. I HAD TO DO SOMETHING to change my life, thus meetings.

I can tell you that I wouldn't take $1,000,000 for what I've learned through Al Anon. I hope I am always able to go to meetings for they keep me sane (somewhat ) and I'm also able to share with the person who is in your place. Thank God someone was there for me.

I hope your meeting went well. We say give meetings at least 6 tries.

Hugs and prayers,
Hangin' In

imallright

keepitreal... good for you! Welcome. The first time I went to a meeting, I too, like Linda sat there and cried. I was scared to death and I was so afraid of what the people there would think of me when and if they learned that of the mess I was in. BUT... that didn't happen. Although I felt "wrecked" and drained sometimes when the meeting was over, I also felt loved and cleansed in a fashion. For me it was one of the first steps, a huge one... but one of the first steps of being honest with myself and looking for help. I had many false starts and I am still fighting to get myself back and move forward... but I think and I hope and pray that the struggle is worth it. I know that living with my AH is not what I really want for me or the kids and it's about finding the courage to live rather than stay and die a slow death. All the best to you... stay strong.

katie44

Glad your here, sounds like your on the road to recovery. I am the mother of a crack addict son. As you know life with an addict is constant turmoil. Crack is an extremely powerful drug. They generally have one thing on there mind where will they get there next hit? They will drain your bank accounts, and whatever other item has any value to them. The depression and mood swings all go hand in hand with the drug use. It is truly an evil drug. Everyone and everything is secondary to the drug. Once we realize that we can not control it is when we start to change. Please start taking time for you and your boys, you say you feel trapped. Most of us here have felt that way at some time or another. If you can find a naranon meeting in your area, speak to a counsellor, and keep coming back to this board. You do not have to live this way, he will only continue to emtionally drain you and your boys. Im sorry I dont want to sound so harsh, but it is reality. You will find many understanding friends here. Please be kind to yourself (((( hugs))))