sobera

About 2 days ago, I found this forum to rant about my brother. The gist of it is, I got fed up of all the protecting and lying that my family is doing for him .....knowing that my money support is the only thing that's keeping him from hitting rock bottom and following the advice of this forum and my boyfriend, I decided to just cut ties with him.

And what do you know? After only two days...

This morning I got a call from my mother.

My brother is in jail. Apparently he got pulled over by police for a minor traffic violation and he panicked because of the drugs in his car. He tried to run but wasn't successful. The police searched him and found meth in his car so they arrested him.

Back to the call.. my mother was originally planning to bail my brother out and not ask for my help but it turned out the amount needed to pay it was high. She told me to give up my cars pink slip.

Also told me to hurry up because they are bringing my brother to LA county jail after 24 hours and apparently that's scary?

That was this morning. It's 9:15 pm and I'm sitting here wondering if I should post bail. My brother is still in jail and my mother is frantic. I am currently hiding from my family.

Should I post bail? My boyfriend is saying no and as heartless as this may sound, I actually don't feel bad. This is more like the hand of God at work to me really...

itisatruth

I don't think it sounds heartless at all. I know that it might seem like you don't care to him and your family, but sometimes doing what people want isn't doing what they need. Good luck.

Spiritual Seeker

The only way that your brother will clean up is if the conseq of his addiction are felt by him. Your parents want to enable his addiction by bailing him. You don't have to go along. In my exper. in dealing with the parents of many addicts, the # 1 incentive that makes addict clean up is jail. He can ask for drug court if he is 1st time offender.
This is for him to figure out.

katiedid79

I personally would not , Look what he did the first time. Do you think he is going to just all of a sudden clean up? Why should you take that kind of chance on him? If my abf gets put in jail , I told him not to call me to call his mommy because I would not get him out. And I told him he would be leaving my house if this happend. Just say no! But you should do what you feel you need to do.

Ann

"No", sweetie, is a complete sentence. Use it every time you are asked to post bail because all that does is give them a chance to run again.

I bailed my son out once, after a thousand promises to do the "do" things from him. The promises lasted 2 hours...then he was back at it.

As someone before me here said, he needs to learn that there are consequences to his actions. Please don't rob him of the valuable lesson.

No guilt, this isn't your "stuff" and you don't need to own it. Maybe take mama to a meeting some time soon. She sounds like me not so many years ago and I know that the only thing that saved my sanity and my life was going to meetings and learning to work a program that would ensure that I never had to walk through hell again.

Hugs

lil516

Sounds like it's time for everyone else to get out of the way so his HP can get to him...

I can feel your mother's pain and frantic thoughts...she stills thinks she has some control over this situation and is trying to "manage" it as quickly as possible

I was there too
I too dragged my other children into the drama (not financially but emotionally)and when I finally realized the futility of it and the damage I was doing to my sober children I was able to stop....it's not easy

keep posting...keep reading...

my prayers that your brother will soon be ready to seek treatment

compassionate prayers that your mom can find the serenity needed to detach and let go...

Momsrainbow

NO-do NOT bail him out. You will only be putting him back on the street to do more drugs and to make promises he will never keep. Read the "sticky" LET ME FALL".

As hard as it is to see a loved one in jail-it is the best place for them. They have time to really think and hopefully make a life change. It is up to him. You just cannot change him and make the world right for him.

It was hard to tell my AH I would not ever bail him out again but he understands now and is greatful.

My prayers for you and your family.

caileesnana

From the mom of an addict daughter age 23, NO NO NO. leave him in jail, he is safer there then drugging on the street. Maybe, maybe he will wake up and seek help. I wish my daughter was in jail!
prayers for you, I know it's hard to watch,
susan

eddison

I wouldn't bail him out either. He needs to take responsibilty. This isn't your problem... BUt I know you love him and it is a really hard decision. I wish someone would put my addict BF in jail for a couple of nights right now!!
But really, I think you are doing the right thing.
Good luck!

CatsPajamas

Adult choices = adult consequences.

I wish someone had told me that earlier... but we each have to learn our lessons in our own time.

It's so hard to step back and allow our loved ones to feel the pain of their consequences. It's our nature to want to cushion the fall, to protect them. A wise person here told me that I could love my son right into his grave if I didn't get out of the way and let him learn his lessons.

Even if the rest of your family doesn't understand, you're still doing the right thing by stepping back and NOT putting up your car as bail.

HUGS

Cats

lostparent

I agree with the above don't bail him out. If your family ask again tell them you love him to much to an don't want to hurt him by bailing him out.

ZombieWife

I don't think you should feel bad at all for leaving him in jail. Let him come down off of this. You should not be putting up your own livelihood and financial security so that he can get out (w/o any lesson learned) only to do it again. What if he breaks his promise on the bail? Wouldn't you lose that car?

Lobo

Not bailing my daughter out of jail is what put her on the road to recovery. My daughter was put in jail three times and I NEVER bailed her out once. I always told her if she ever ended up in jail that I would never bail her out and I stuck to my word. I never visited her or put money on her books. It may have taken 3 times but eventually she got the idea. Today she is clean from drugs and that was 9 months ago. She recently had a relapse with alcohol and I told her she had to move out because I will no longer tolerate any kind of substance abuse. She is working two jobs so she can obtain enough money to get her own place. I am giving her the time she needs as long as she is playing by the rules.

Jail is what saved my daughter's life. Do your brother a favor and DON'T bail him out.

Jwife22

(((Sobera))) You know, most of the time that I have a feeling something is the right thing to do, I get that feeling that God has his hand in things. I think you are doing the right thing by not posting bail.

I also think that it is the MOST loving thing that you could do for your brother. It will give him the opportunity to come down, get some food in him and have a warm place to sleep.

outtolunch

I love it when you talk sense to me.

Addiction is the disease of denial and it sounds like the OP's mama has a full blown case of it. That her son is addicted to Meth does not scare her but letting him realize the consequences of his choices, in jail, does. What's wrong with this picture?

I am not familiar with the term " pink slip" and am guessing that means you use your car as collateral for a bond.. And what happens if he runs....you lose your car? Yikes.

sobera

Update: Yeah, so I think I did the right thing and not give in to my mother. Besides the fact that I really don't want to put my car (which I worked hard for btw) in jeopardy, I also wanna teach him a lesson.

But, eh, what do you know? My mom calls my father up for help. And God forbid that someone my dad is related to is in jail *rolls eyes* - He bails him out.

Do you see what I mean now about my family? My mom is in denial and my dad would much rather have my brother be secretly a drug addict than to have him known as someone who 'used' to be an addict. Rehab? More of an embarrassment than a step to recovery to him really. Nar-anon meetings? They'd have a fit if I even mention it to them. Heck, they'd probably lock me up somewhere if I mention anything about planning on checking it out.

I don't know you all personally, but I'm really glad that there are people out there who see my point. I'm thankful for all the support.

Privet

I am so proud of you, and so glad you did not give in! Wow, that too a LOT of courage! You are young, and your family is being very minipulative with you. I just wouldn't even discuss your brother with them anymore...IT IS TOO FRUSTRATING, and you have a life. Holy cow, you're only 19, and you're working, have a car, etc. Just say you have a new policy...no talking about your brother. You feel they are making the wrong decision, they are enabling him, it disgusts you, and when they are READY to talk about REAL SOLUTIONS concerning Nar-Anon you will be there.

In the meantime, you have your life.

idahoone

Sobera,

Haven't "met" you but I wanted to add my prayers that your brother finds his way to sobriety. My son's DOC was meth so I am all too aware of what is going on in your life. The reality of it is that your brother will get arrested again- goes with the territory. I am sorry your parents gave in but hopefully they will come around. You did the right thing- stay strong and don't let them make you do anything you don't want to do.

Prayers for you and your family,

ctrom40

Sobera,

I think that you did the right thing too.
As the mother of 2 addicts and after many years, tears and $$$$$$$ - I had to stop bailing them out.

My daughter is on the road to recovery (Thank you God) and my son has not yet hit his bottom.
But I have givin the job of "bailing them out" over to my HP.

Hang in there.
Colleen

howatch

Hey Sobera

Well done. That was so strong of you. You did the right thing. It is so much harder when other family members do the opposite. but well done you.

xx