bluebelle

I really, really appreciate everything that I get to read on here. I think that I am getting better with my codie behavior (at least for today).

You may remember about a week ago I found AH looking through my medicine. I figured that he was looking for something to help himself sleep. Of course, he denied it. I took your suggestions, and decided for my own sanity to lock up my medicine.

I'm glad that I did. He had trouble sleeping again last night. He is almost out of his sleep medicine, and we have recently moved. He has no doctor here. Of course, he could have started looking before we arrived, but I have nothing to do with that.

He asked me today if I had any Lunesta. I had to lie and say, "No." I hated to lie, but I was unwilling to just say that I didn't want to give it to him. (I guess that is the next step in my recovery?) I worried about it for a bit, but why is it my problem? Yes, I have sleep medicine. However, he needs to figure out this stuff himself. If he wants something to help him sleep, he can go to a doctor. After I told him, "No," he did start looking through his insurance stuff.

He's been sober for 5 months. His counselor said that this was a rough point (5-6 months). He's a lot better than he was when he was using codeine. He has made some positive changes. However, he still seems to feel sorry for himself. He's always telling me how much he is doing, how he needs to "take it easy" because he worked so hard earlier. Whatever. I see people working hard all over the place, but do they do that much whining?

Today, he kept on thinking that I was going to get on him. He said, "Are you worried because I asked you for Lunesta?" I said, "No." He asked if I was going to give him a hard time because he spent so much time on the computer. I said, "No."

I think my attitude today was that I'm tired of doing so much for him, and not enough for myself. I had things that I needed to get done today, and I worked on that. I have an interview tomorrow. I'm not sure that it will be the ideal job for me, but at least it is getting me in the interview mode. It's better than sitting around here worrying about what he's going to do.

I really think that I am done wasting my life taking care of him. I've been reading all about the Drama Triangle, and I have decided that I'm ready to get off that ride. I've spent my life taking care of others to the point of neglecting myself. It's enough already.

The big thing for me today is that I went off on my own and got things done. I really, really tried to avoid the urge to say things to get him going, guilt him, give him advice, etc. I think he kept waiting for it.

Another thing I've been working on is focusing on what he's doing, not what he's saying. When he talks, I hear "quack, quack, quack." I don't care about words of recovery, I want action.

So, that's me for now. I still go between feeling pretty good (like now), and panicking. However, I really think that the feeling good is happening more often than the panicking. That's got to be a good sign.

Thanks for listening.

Jwife22

That's a good place to be. It takes so much effort to try to control them. Its so tiring. It's such a breath of fresh air when we get off that ride.

Congrats to you!

BayAreaPhoenix

BlueBelle!!!

Lots of progress. Good luck at the interview, by the way.

I too am learning to watch and listen to what he DOES as opposed to what he says. It's so different listening with what I call my new ears. It's sort of amazing to me that I tried to follow that sort of thinking before, and I can see how it was crazy making stuff - definitely worked on me. My AH is still in active addiction, so I am seeing no improvement. The pity party stuff, I see too - I hope that ends for you soon. I don't want to hear the poor pitiful me stuff anymore. I too look around, everyone seems to be working and staying busy, including me. No one else I know whines like he does - including all the kids on our street!

Here's to more progress!!!

:bounce