an ungrateful son and tired of ibeing on the receiveing end
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
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an ungrateful son and tired of ibeing on the receiveing end
Friends,
Well, almost three (3) weeks ago my dh and I traveled 5 hours to see MY son for two and a half hours.(he is four months clean in rehab).........since that time he has not written the first card to say thanks for the visit........I appreciated your coming etc. etc.
I picked up on things during our last visit........like his drug use should be "excused" because his wife "ate out" every day at work. I know this is a ploy of "deflection".(Just another excuse/justification) Then he "told" me she wanted her debt "cleared up" which included a 12k bill on a credit card BEFORE they got married.(they are divorcing) I told my son that was up to them not me.
Then the dil wanted me in charge of "Supervised visitation." I declined. She then charged that "I didn't care about my grandson's safety." I am so sick of all of this. Because I declined being the go-between my dil will not let me see my only grandchild..............so , please tell me........what do you do?
dixied
Well, almost three (3) weeks ago my dh and I traveled 5 hours to see MY son for two and a half hours.(he is four months clean in rehab).........since that time he has not written the first card to say thanks for the visit........I appreciated your coming etc. etc.
I picked up on things during our last visit........like his drug use should be "excused" because his wife "ate out" every day at work. I know this is a ploy of "deflection".(Just another excuse/justification) Then he "told" me she wanted her debt "cleared up" which included a 12k bill on a credit card BEFORE they got married.(they are divorcing) I told my son that was up to them not me.
Then the dil wanted me in charge of "Supervised visitation." I declined. She then charged that "I didn't care about my grandson's safety." I am so sick of all of this. Because I declined being the go-between my dil will not let me see my only grandchild..............so , please tell me........what do you do?
dixied
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by dixied 
Friends,
Well, almost three (3) weeks ago my dh and I traveled 5 hours to see MY son for two and a half hours.(he is four months clean in rehab).........since that time he has not written the first card to say thanks for the visit........I appreciated your coming etc. etc.
I picked up on things during our last visit........like his drug use should be "excused" because his wife "ate out" every day at work. I know this is a ploy of "deflection".(Just another excuse/justification) Then he "told" me she wanted her debt "cleared up" which included a 12k bill on a credit card BEFORE they got married.(they are divorcing) I told my son that was up to them not me.
Then the dil wanted me in charge of "Supervised visitation." I declined. She then charged that "I didn't care about my grandson's safety." I am so sick of all of this. Because I declined being the go-between my dil will not let me see my only grandchild..............so , please tell me........what do you do?
dixied
Well, almost three (3) weeks ago my dh and I traveled 5 hours to see MY son for two and a half hours.(he is four months clean in rehab).........since that time he has not written the first card to say thanks for the visit........I appreciated your coming etc. etc.
I picked up on things during our last visit........like his drug use should be "excused" because his wife "ate out" every day at work. I know this is a ploy of "deflection".(Just another excuse/justification) Then he "told" me she wanted her debt "cleared up" which included a 12k bill on a credit card BEFORE they got married.(they are divorcing) I told my son that was up to them not me.
Then the dil wanted me in charge of "Supervised visitation." I declined. She then charged that "I didn't care about my grandson's safety." I am so sick of all of this. Because I declined being the go-between my dil will not let me see my only grandchild..............so , please tell me........what do you do?
dixied
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Dixied)))
Sorry they are still trying to drag you into their issues. I would check on your legal rights as a grandparent. I don't see it as you're not trying to ensure your grandchild's safety...I see it as refusing to be put in the middle of a situation you don't belong.
As far as your son seeming ungrateful, all I can say is I'm sorry. Sounds like he is still taking your love for granted. If you are able to visit again, I would make sure it's something YOU want to do...not just because you think you should. Communication is a 2-way street and if he hasn't even written you, then it sounds one way to me.
Keep taking care of you, sweetie.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Sorry they are still trying to drag you into their issues. I would check on your legal rights as a grandparent. I don't see it as you're not trying to ensure your grandchild's safety...I see it as refusing to be put in the middle of a situation you don't belong.
As far as your son seeming ungrateful, all I can say is I'm sorry. Sounds like he is still taking your love for granted. If you are able to visit again, I would make sure it's something YOU want to do...not just because you think you should. Communication is a 2-way street and if he hasn't even written you, then it sounds one way to me.
Keep taking care of you, sweetie.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
You are in the middle of a divorcing couple. Not a very comfortable place to be as each of them most likely will take their problems out on you. Your son will do what he is going to do. Your DIL will do what she is going to do. Protect yourself because, as you know, you are the only one that can. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
(((Dixed)))
It is our own expectations that leave us feeling bad when we don't get the results that we want. You thought he should acknowledge the fact that you and dh drove all of that way to see him and he didn't even acknowledge it. I always find when I expect something in return for what I do and it doesn't happen then I end up with resentment.
Somtimes I think it is better not to expect what you think they should do. Everyone is not like us and would not do what we would do. Our standards are not the same as theirs......however we can not expect the same results. Let go of the expectations or you will keep getting hurt.
Your dil is taking her frustrations out on you. You DO have grandmothers rights. She doesn't realize how she is hurting her baby by keeping you out of his life. Maybe you need to tell her that. The bond of a grandmother/grandchild is a very rewarding experience for both and should not be taken for granted.
Maybe she will come around once she puts the focus on the real person that she is angry with.
Hugs.........Lo
It is our own expectations that leave us feeling bad when we don't get the results that we want. You thought he should acknowledge the fact that you and dh drove all of that way to see him and he didn't even acknowledge it. I always find when I expect something in return for what I do and it doesn't happen then I end up with resentment.
Somtimes I think it is better not to expect what you think they should do. Everyone is not like us and would not do what we would do. Our standards are not the same as theirs......however we can not expect the same results. Let go of the expectations or you will keep getting hurt.
Your dil is taking her frustrations out on you. You DO have grandmothers rights. She doesn't realize how she is hurting her baby by keeping you out of his life. Maybe you need to tell her that. The bond of a grandmother/grandchild is a very rewarding experience for both and should not be taken for granted.
Maybe she will come around once she puts the focus on the real person that she is angry with.
Hugs.........Lo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 287
Dixie,
Using visitation rights as a barganing chip is about as low as you can go in my opinion, it punishes everyone including the most innocent.
As others wrote Go check your legal rights, and then act on them.
And please, take care of yourself and your daughter.
Prayers to you..
Using visitation rights as a barganing chip is about as low as you can go in my opinion, it punishes everyone including the most innocent.
As others wrote Go check your legal rights, and then act on them.
And please, take care of yourself and your daughter.
Prayers to you..
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I'm going to play a little devil's advocate here. I will state that I don't mean to sound harsh or short, but am more just curious and have questions! 
As for your son. Is he usually one to send a thank you card or give thanks for a visit? And is it the thanks that means so much itself or just the warning flags that are bothering you? I guess I'm asking because I have friends who only do nice things in order to get praise or a thank you, they don't really do it with sincerity. I'm not saying this is you, but maybe he's mistaking something here? Or maybe he didn't understand that he was required to do something formal? I don't necessarily think he's being ungrateful, maybe he's just being forgetful? But, you would know him the best and go with whatever your gut is telling you on that.
I think what sends up red flags for me is that he isn't taking responsibility. I have been around a few addicts in my life and I have heard the same kind of excuse: "I got hooked because of this person or that person." They finally did realize that it was their own doing, but it took a while. While I think people (and events and tragedy/circumstances) can certainly add to an addict making a mistake, it is THEIR mistake to make and THEIR choice on how to cope with what life is offering.
I guess I am a little confused on the supervised visitation. Is your DIL afraid of your son? Or that he'll harm the children? Does she have a legitimate reason to be concerned? I'm trying to get into her frame of mind a bit. I know as a wife and mother, if my husband was using and I wasn't living with him, I'd be wary of leaving our child alone with him. Maybe she came to you because she trusts you and you might be one of the only people she does trust? Granted, I completely understand why you wouldn't want to get involved, but she might be desperate right now, or wanting to do the right thing and allow your son visitation, but feels like her hands are tied. Her comments sound like comments that come from anger and frustration.
I guess what I would do is try and contact her and ask her what she's thinking on all of this. I think I'd try to be very open and warm and say, "I'm just confused and need to understand better." Then, if she explains and you still do not want to be involved, then I'd tell her as gently as possible that you feel as if she is putting you in a really bad spot and that you care about the children, but aren't sure it's wise to get in the middle." I mean, is she someone you can usually reason with under the right circumstances? I'm someone who always tries to mediate and get to the crux of any conflict. Grew up with three brothers, I had to be peacemaker!
On the debt, I would say that's hers to deal with unless she put his name on the account then it might be his to deal with as well. But, I'm not a lawyer on that.
In any case, please keep us updated and I hope it gets better. I think that every addict is different and that the amount of time that it takes for them to see all we (as their family members) do for them and go through is going to vary. But, there is a part of me that wonders if he (and others who are in his shoes) should be a little selfish and focus on their sobriety, even if it means they forget small things. If it happens again, then I might say something. I don't know. Blah. I'm just babbling now! I'm probably NO help. Forgive me for that.
Sending you GOOD MOJO. I can do that well enough. Haha.
:ghug2
As for your son. Is he usually one to send a thank you card or give thanks for a visit? And is it the thanks that means so much itself or just the warning flags that are bothering you? I guess I'm asking because I have friends who only do nice things in order to get praise or a thank you, they don't really do it with sincerity. I'm not saying this is you, but maybe he's mistaking something here? Or maybe he didn't understand that he was required to do something formal? I don't necessarily think he's being ungrateful, maybe he's just being forgetful? But, you would know him the best and go with whatever your gut is telling you on that.
I think what sends up red flags for me is that he isn't taking responsibility. I have been around a few addicts in my life and I have heard the same kind of excuse: "I got hooked because of this person or that person." They finally did realize that it was their own doing, but it took a while. While I think people (and events and tragedy/circumstances) can certainly add to an addict making a mistake, it is THEIR mistake to make and THEIR choice on how to cope with what life is offering.
I guess I am a little confused on the supervised visitation. Is your DIL afraid of your son? Or that he'll harm the children? Does she have a legitimate reason to be concerned? I'm trying to get into her frame of mind a bit. I know as a wife and mother, if my husband was using and I wasn't living with him, I'd be wary of leaving our child alone with him. Maybe she came to you because she trusts you and you might be one of the only people she does trust? Granted, I completely understand why you wouldn't want to get involved, but she might be desperate right now, or wanting to do the right thing and allow your son visitation, but feels like her hands are tied. Her comments sound like comments that come from anger and frustration.
I guess what I would do is try and contact her and ask her what she's thinking on all of this. I think I'd try to be very open and warm and say, "I'm just confused and need to understand better." Then, if she explains and you still do not want to be involved, then I'd tell her as gently as possible that you feel as if she is putting you in a really bad spot and that you care about the children, but aren't sure it's wise to get in the middle." I mean, is she someone you can usually reason with under the right circumstances? I'm someone who always tries to mediate and get to the crux of any conflict. Grew up with three brothers, I had to be peacemaker!
On the debt, I would say that's hers to deal with unless she put his name on the account then it might be his to deal with as well. But, I'm not a lawyer on that.
In any case, please keep us updated and I hope it gets better. I think that every addict is different and that the amount of time that it takes for them to see all we (as their family members) do for them and go through is going to vary. But, there is a part of me that wonders if he (and others who are in his shoes) should be a little selfish and focus on their sobriety, even if it means they forget small things. If it happens again, then I might say something. I don't know. Blah. I'm just babbling now! I'm probably NO help. Forgive me for that.
Sending you GOOD MOJO. I can do that well enough. Haha.
:ghug2
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Dil is being quite inmature. Does she not realize you have had enough. We do not use children as a bargaining chip. Grandparents have legal rights too. As for your son I'm sorry, I truly believe the addict sometimes does not know the sacrifices we make, they take things for granted. They are so used of us picking up the pieces that when we say no its quite a shock to them. Maybe you could try to speak to dil and explain why you have declined. She herself must know how exhuasting all this has been to you, her and the whole family. Dixie remember to take care of yourself. (((( hugs))))
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