tough days-long
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: WEST CHESTER PA.
Posts: 18
tough days-long
Let me start by telling alittle about myself, since this is my first post. I am 33 years old, and have been married for 8 years. I have 2 wonderful childran of 2 and 3, one girl, one boy. I have a full time job, and my wife is a stay at home mom.
About 7 months ago i noticed some changes in my wife. Sleeping, not getting stuff taken care of, no attention to me. I asked her a few times what was going on, and i got the same answer everytime, she just wasn't happy with our lives, and it was getting her down. I told her she may want to talk to a shrink, or a doctor, and try and get some help. She followed through with that, but had alot of ups and downs, still seemed like something wasn't right. After another week, i confronted her again, and i got what i was looking for. She came out and told me that she was on pain killers, LOTS of pain killers. We talked about how to handle it, and we agreed we would work on it at home. We actually got through it, and within 3 weeks, she seemed good to go. She started going to AA meetings, and that seemed to help, although that is for alcohol, an addiction, is an addiction.
Here we are 7 months later, and all the signs showed up again, although this time there was a twist, now she was going out every night, telling me she was with friends, and i believed. After a few weeks of seeing the signs, i got together with my wifes cousin, and turns out she knew alot more then i did. She came to me to let me know it was time to put my wife in rehab. I confronted her wednesday night, and thursday morning she was in. She came clean about the pills again, and i ended up finding bottles of pills, before i got to her.
Now to my issues. Now that i have been home, i am finding more and more things out. I am almost %100 positive she is having an affair. I have not found positive proof, but i am still working on it. She called me yesterday, and i asked her about it, and she swore she wasn't. The promblem i am having (besides sitting at night thinking of her with another man) is how can i believe her, what should make me believe her. She is going to be gone for a month, does that mean every night i am going to think about all this. The positive is i have alot of people behind me, most being her family. I still have to hold my job, take care of the kids, pay all the bills, and try to figure out where i am sappose to come up with money, that she blew on pills. What am i sappose to tell people that asked where my wife is? and how in the world am i sappose to hide the affair. There is so much stuff built up inside, and can't figure how to deal with it. I am sappose to go visit her sunday, and i don't evan think i can look at her as of now.
Thanks for haveing a forum like this, it gives me some time to vent.
About 7 months ago i noticed some changes in my wife. Sleeping, not getting stuff taken care of, no attention to me. I asked her a few times what was going on, and i got the same answer everytime, she just wasn't happy with our lives, and it was getting her down. I told her she may want to talk to a shrink, or a doctor, and try and get some help. She followed through with that, but had alot of ups and downs, still seemed like something wasn't right. After another week, i confronted her again, and i got what i was looking for. She came out and told me that she was on pain killers, LOTS of pain killers. We talked about how to handle it, and we agreed we would work on it at home. We actually got through it, and within 3 weeks, she seemed good to go. She started going to AA meetings, and that seemed to help, although that is for alcohol, an addiction, is an addiction.
Here we are 7 months later, and all the signs showed up again, although this time there was a twist, now she was going out every night, telling me she was with friends, and i believed. After a few weeks of seeing the signs, i got together with my wifes cousin, and turns out she knew alot more then i did. She came to me to let me know it was time to put my wife in rehab. I confronted her wednesday night, and thursday morning she was in. She came clean about the pills again, and i ended up finding bottles of pills, before i got to her.
Now to my issues. Now that i have been home, i am finding more and more things out. I am almost %100 positive she is having an affair. I have not found positive proof, but i am still working on it. She called me yesterday, and i asked her about it, and she swore she wasn't. The promblem i am having (besides sitting at night thinking of her with another man) is how can i believe her, what should make me believe her. She is going to be gone for a month, does that mean every night i am going to think about all this. The positive is i have alot of people behind me, most being her family. I still have to hold my job, take care of the kids, pay all the bills, and try to figure out where i am sappose to come up with money, that she blew on pills. What am i sappose to tell people that asked where my wife is? and how in the world am i sappose to hide the affair. There is so much stuff built up inside, and can't figure how to deal with it. I am sappose to go visit her sunday, and i don't evan think i can look at her as of now.
Thanks for haveing a forum like this, it gives me some time to vent.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Welcome, Steelhead,
This is a great site for finding tons of information and conversing with people who have experienced what you are currently going through. One thing to be sure of, your wife's addictions have had an effect on YOU. While there is little you can do to help your wife want to be pill-free, there are tons of things you can STOP doing.
What you can focus on right now is you and your children. Please take the time to read all you can here and any literature you can obtain through al-anon or nar-anon. Just like the addict is in denial that they have a problem, we as the codependent partners in this disease tend to deny that WE are suffering from this addiction as well. One book that I have found very insightful is by Melody Beattie, called "Codependent No More" which helped me to see where all my anger and fury was coming from.
There is hope for your family. Your wife is in the best place she can be right now, for ALL of you. You can breathe here a little with her gone, and take the opportunity to find out more about what role YOU will play now, and how you can help yourself. I hope you continue to post here and take the time to read back through others' threads and also take a look at the "Stickies" that are at the top of this page. Hang in there, Steelhead! You've found a tremendous resource of support and love here
This is a great site for finding tons of information and conversing with people who have experienced what you are currently going through. One thing to be sure of, your wife's addictions have had an effect on YOU. While there is little you can do to help your wife want to be pill-free, there are tons of things you can STOP doing.
What you can focus on right now is you and your children. Please take the time to read all you can here and any literature you can obtain through al-anon or nar-anon. Just like the addict is in denial that they have a problem, we as the codependent partners in this disease tend to deny that WE are suffering from this addiction as well. One book that I have found very insightful is by Melody Beattie, called "Codependent No More" which helped me to see where all my anger and fury was coming from.
There is hope for your family. Your wife is in the best place she can be right now, for ALL of you. You can breathe here a little with her gone, and take the opportunity to find out more about what role YOU will play now, and how you can help yourself. I hope you continue to post here and take the time to read back through others' threads and also take a look at the "Stickies" that are at the top of this page. Hang in there, Steelhead! You've found a tremendous resource of support and love here
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
Welcome!
This is a wonderful place and I recommend that you read the stickies. I'll see if I can get my husband to log on and read your post. You see, I am the addict and we have two young children. He never went to Al-Anon but was raised in a religious way so he had a lot of the same tools that Al-Anon teaches. He may be able to give you insight that I can't. I'm sure others will come along and share too.
I know the rehab I went to offered counseling and group therapy for the loved ones. I also grew up with an alcoholic father so I benefited from the Co-Dependent they offered. I think that group gave me some amazing insight into not only my addiction, but my life in general.
My thoughts are with you as you go through this journey.
This is a wonderful place and I recommend that you read the stickies. I'll see if I can get my husband to log on and read your post. You see, I am the addict and we have two young children. He never went to Al-Anon but was raised in a religious way so he had a lot of the same tools that Al-Anon teaches. He may be able to give you insight that I can't. I'm sure others will come along and share too.
I know the rehab I went to offered counseling and group therapy for the loved ones. I also grew up with an alcoholic father so I benefited from the Co-Dependent they offered. I think that group gave me some amazing insight into not only my addiction, but my life in general.
My thoughts are with you as you go through this journey.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: WEST CHESTER PA.
Posts: 18
I have been breezing through the stickies, and so far, the one i like the most is "What addicts do". I can see all that in my wife.I look forward too reading replies, and working through this. Everything is so clouded as of now, i need all the help i can get. The place she is in, does have family meetings, and i plan on going as much as possible. Life has become a roler coaster, and i am full of ups and downs. I never really thought i would go through something like this, but then again who does. Everyday i look at my kids, and just want to say i am sorry, they are so young and have no idea whats going on, i try very hard to keep a smile on my face, and do everything in the world for them. They asked me yesterday "wheres Mommy?". I had to walk out side and pretty much have a total break down, that is so hard to deal with. It feels like my whole world fell apart in 1 day.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
heya steelhead-
((((HUGS))))
Wow, you really have a lot on your plate. Your kids are so young, that's a blessing and a burden (like everything!!).
It's one of the defining painful moments of loving an Addict, the moment when the veil is finally off and we see things clearly, we start naming it correctly and we begin to see that things are gonna have to change FOR US...because we cannot change the addict.
The positive that comes out of it is that now we are dealing with REALITY. A good thing. In reality we can seek help for ourselves, get strong, get educated about addiction and codependency, and make a plan, just for today, to help us get through this pain.
Can you get to an AlAnon meeting? I know you have a lot going on w/ kids and all but AlAnon/NarAnon is a great place to start. You don't have to share - you can just sit and listen. It is not a grim place - most meetings I have been to have a lot of laughter - and a lot of hope to offer. Granted, when I first started to go to AlAnon I would leave the meetings pretty floored - but that's where you're at now anyway. Slowly, slowly I was able to completely turn my head around, and find healthy ways to live and deal w/ the A's in my life.
Remember: you didn't cause it, can't control it, and you can't cure it.
But you can get yourself to a very strong place where you know what YOU are going to do, and what YOU can control. And that will be a necessary tool regardless of what happens with your wife. It will make you available to your children in healthier ways too.
I don't know what you "tell" people who ask where your wife is....I'm curious to hear how others respond. You want to do away with secrecy and shame in your family (some common sick stuff that infects alcoholic/addict families like a virus!)...no one in my family has ever gone away to re-hab (I WISH THEY WOULD!!).
Be gentle with yourself - this is all new and raw - and stick around - there are some amazing people on this site who have gotten me through some dark nights with their ES&H (experience, strength & hope).
Peace,
B.
((((HUGS))))
Wow, you really have a lot on your plate. Your kids are so young, that's a blessing and a burden (like everything!!).
It's one of the defining painful moments of loving an Addict, the moment when the veil is finally off and we see things clearly, we start naming it correctly and we begin to see that things are gonna have to change FOR US...because we cannot change the addict.
The positive that comes out of it is that now we are dealing with REALITY. A good thing. In reality we can seek help for ourselves, get strong, get educated about addiction and codependency, and make a plan, just for today, to help us get through this pain.
Can you get to an AlAnon meeting? I know you have a lot going on w/ kids and all but AlAnon/NarAnon is a great place to start. You don't have to share - you can just sit and listen. It is not a grim place - most meetings I have been to have a lot of laughter - and a lot of hope to offer. Granted, when I first started to go to AlAnon I would leave the meetings pretty floored - but that's where you're at now anyway. Slowly, slowly I was able to completely turn my head around, and find healthy ways to live and deal w/ the A's in my life.
Remember: you didn't cause it, can't control it, and you can't cure it.
But you can get yourself to a very strong place where you know what YOU are going to do, and what YOU can control. And that will be a necessary tool regardless of what happens with your wife. It will make you available to your children in healthier ways too.
I don't know what you "tell" people who ask where your wife is....I'm curious to hear how others respond. You want to do away with secrecy and shame in your family (some common sick stuff that infects alcoholic/addict families like a virus!)...no one in my family has ever gone away to re-hab (I WISH THEY WOULD!!).
Be gentle with yourself - this is all new and raw - and stick around - there are some amazing people on this site who have gotten me through some dark nights with their ES&H (experience, strength & hope).
Peace,
B.
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Steelhead"
Glad you found this sight.
It's a start in taking care of you in all of this.
I can't stress enough to people how Al-anon has helped save me from the downward spiral of letting an addicts life control mine.
i am glad that your wife is open to help. this is big.
As heartbreaking as it feels, for many addicts, relapse seems to be part of the road traveled. but those who keep trying for sobriety give us all hope.
I could be stepping way out of line here but I feel a need to address this very personal issue so I hope its okay.
"""IF""" an affair has taken place, " Big IF here," it is another side-effect of the drugs and as hard as that may be ( excruciatingly hard to let go of, I know) it needs to be placed alongside every other damaging thing your family has experienced because of the effect of the drug on your wife. but making it a main focus only causes you more pain, and won't give you answers you think you need right now.
Have hope in that she is getting help.
In Al-Anon we say that you should wait 6 months before making any big life decisions. We need to be healthy also. We spend so much time doing damage control and picking up the messes that when it finally screams in our face and we have to accept it, the emotions felt can cloud any rational thoughts or decisions.
It would help you to spend the time your wife is in rehab, getting help for you, focusing on your kids. Look at the time away from the drama, and stress as a time to release the hold this problem has on you. spending it worried about the mistakes she has made is a waste of your time. Figuring out her addiction and her mistakes is her job not yours. Easier to say than do i know first hand. thats where support of Al-Anon or Nar-Anon comes in.
Again, glad you are reaching out.:praying
Cathy
Glad you found this sight.
It's a start in taking care of you in all of this.
I can't stress enough to people how Al-anon has helped save me from the downward spiral of letting an addicts life control mine.
i am glad that your wife is open to help. this is big.
As heartbreaking as it feels, for many addicts, relapse seems to be part of the road traveled. but those who keep trying for sobriety give us all hope.
I could be stepping way out of line here but I feel a need to address this very personal issue so I hope its okay.
"""IF""" an affair has taken place, " Big IF here," it is another side-effect of the drugs and as hard as that may be ( excruciatingly hard to let go of, I know) it needs to be placed alongside every other damaging thing your family has experienced because of the effect of the drug on your wife. but making it a main focus only causes you more pain, and won't give you answers you think you need right now.
Have hope in that she is getting help.
In Al-Anon we say that you should wait 6 months before making any big life decisions. We need to be healthy also. We spend so much time doing damage control and picking up the messes that when it finally screams in our face and we have to accept it, the emotions felt can cloud any rational thoughts or decisions.
It would help you to spend the time your wife is in rehab, getting help for you, focusing on your kids. Look at the time away from the drama, and stress as a time to release the hold this problem has on you. spending it worried about the mistakes she has made is a waste of your time. Figuring out her addiction and her mistakes is her job not yours. Easier to say than do i know first hand. thats where support of Al-Anon or Nar-Anon comes in.
Again, glad you are reaching out.:praying
Cathy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by steelhead 
I had to walk out side and pretty much have a total break down, that is so hard to deal with.
Prayers for you and your family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: WEST CHESTER PA.
Posts: 18
CeCe- it is more then okey to bring up the personal issue. Out of all the things that have went down the last few days, that one hurts the most. I do agree with trying to move through the bad, and take care of myself, there is nothing i can do to change the past. I do want to attend Al-anon, i think they maybe a big help. I need to be around people that are going through what i am going through (note i am on here). the family both mine, and hers are there for what i need, like watching my kids as i try and work, and keep going, But i am not one for really opening up to family members, i have always been the quite guy in our house, so now it is time to speak up, and its hard to do.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Welcome steelhead, I am sorry that addiction has entered your life, but I am glad that you are reaching out already and trying to learn understand more. This place has been a Godsend for me. It took me several years to finally reach out for help and I am still trying to stop trying to fix my addict husband, who is currently using pain pills as well. I am more quiet in person also. So I think that's part of why it took me so long to reach out. But I will say that, even though its hard to talk about personal stuff, I think we need to. If we don't, holding things in can take its toll on us emotionally and physically. So far for me, sharing online is really easy. Still working on the in person to person stuff.
I don't know what to say about what you should or shouldn't tell people. It's been my experience that once people know about it, many will turn away, there is still such a stigma attached to it all. But again, that's my experience. However, when I tried to hide things and lie to cover up, I had to avoid people and situations to make it easier. That resulted in me isolating myself and losing touch with friends. That's not healthy.
So again, welcome, and keep coming back and doing things for yourself and your kids. Take care.
I don't know what to say about what you should or shouldn't tell people. It's been my experience that once people know about it, many will turn away, there is still such a stigma attached to it all. But again, that's my experience. However, when I tried to hide things and lie to cover up, I had to avoid people and situations to make it easier. That resulted in me isolating myself and losing touch with friends. That's not healthy.
So again, welcome, and keep coming back and doing things for yourself and your kids. Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: WEST CHESTER PA.
Posts: 18
well i just talked to my wife, she got her one phone call in, and it wasn't good. I couldn't evan talk to her, i have so much anger. I wish she didn't call. I am sappose to go see her tomarrow, and i'm not sure if i should. I am so affraid too see her.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
If you have insurance or resources, consider finding a therapist to talk to about what is going on and how you feel about it. Working through the anger, blame and shame of someone else's addiction, is not for sissies.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: WEST CHESTER PA.
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by outtolunch
If you have insurance or resources, consider finding a therapist to talk to about what is going on and how you feel about it. Working through the anger, blame and shame of someone else's addiction, is not for sissies.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: WEST CHESTER PA.
Posts: 18
after work today i went to a birthday party at my parents naighbors house. The birthday was for a 1 year old child. My mom came to my house and picked up my kides, while i was at work. It was a good time for me and my childran. There was about 20 people there, and everyone of them fell in love with my kids. It was one of the best fealings i have had in a few days. I actually got to forget about things for a few hours. My kids mean so much to me, and so many people, and it hurts so bad that they have to go through this. They did ask about mommy a few times, but soon was out of there minds when someone would come over and start playing with them.
Now i am home, and all the thoughts fire up again. I have to go see her tomarrow, and i am not looking forward too it. She asked me if i could bring the kids, and i really did not want too, not because i am punishing her, but more because i need to talk about bills and other important things. I feel funny putting this out to the world, but it makes me feel better, and i thank you.
Now i am home, and all the thoughts fire up again. I have to go see her tomarrow, and i am not looking forward too it. She asked me if i could bring the kids, and i really did not want too, not because i am punishing her, but more because i need to talk about bills and other important things. I feel funny putting this out to the world, but it makes me feel better, and i thank you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Hang in Steel. You are taking big steps and it is not easy. Do what you feel is best for you and for the kids. Your wife is getting the help she needs, so you need to take care of you. It sounds like you are willing to reach out and get support... great! Keep pushing forward and stay strong. All the best to you.
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
I hope the visit went well today. I know you were carrying a lot on your shoulders as you went in.
The decision to go and visit or not is always yours to make. We are faced with guilt and anger either way it seems in the beginning.
that is why I whole-heartedly agree with rehab centers that don't allow visitors and some don't allow any communication, for at least 30 days. that way the addict focuses on their self and the co-Dependant ( we left behind) focus on our self. the centers do this to take the decision and guilt away from both people, and most importantly keeps the focus where it belongs.
Depending on how old your kids are and their personalities it might be tough for them to handle these visits.
I am not surprised at your children's( or your) reactions to a day out of the stress to run carefree. Even after funerals of parents, children run around and play. which may shock people, but really children can only handle so much of the stress till they will find a way to relieve it themselves. They can be resilient and use their instincts of self-preservation naturally.
so glad you had a day of rest from this.
i am glad you have family there for you. Its good you are looking into Al-anon. One step at a time.
The decision to go and visit or not is always yours to make. We are faced with guilt and anger either way it seems in the beginning.
that is why I whole-heartedly agree with rehab centers that don't allow visitors and some don't allow any communication, for at least 30 days. that way the addict focuses on their self and the co-Dependant ( we left behind) focus on our self. the centers do this to take the decision and guilt away from both people, and most importantly keeps the focus where it belongs.
Depending on how old your kids are and their personalities it might be tough for them to handle these visits.
I am not surprised at your children's( or your) reactions to a day out of the stress to run carefree. Even after funerals of parents, children run around and play. which may shock people, but really children can only handle so much of the stress till they will find a way to relieve it themselves. They can be resilient and use their instincts of self-preservation naturally.
so glad you had a day of rest from this.
i am glad you have family there for you. Its good you are looking into Al-anon. One step at a time.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((Steelhead)))))))
Was just in Greensburg last week visiting my daughter. We lived there for
almost 9 years with both my children. My 26 yo son is the addict in my life.
Clean for today.
Just wanted to welcome you to the group and let you know your not alone.
Keep coming back to share. There's alot of support and info here that is very useful. So sorry to hear about your wife. My prayers to you and your family.
Hugs,
Linda
Was just in Greensburg last week visiting my daughter. We lived there for
almost 9 years with both my children. My 26 yo son is the addict in my life.
Clean for today.
Just wanted to welcome you to the group and let you know your not alone.
Keep coming back to share. There's alot of support and info here that is very useful. So sorry to hear about your wife. My prayers to you and your family.
Hugs,
Linda
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: WEST CHESTER PA.
Posts: 18
After having a nice night with my kids and family, it was back to the grind today. I never did end up seeing my wife, and in a way i think that was a good thing. I did talk to her, but it was the same old thing, it all being my fault. I am taking it alittle better today, then yesterday. I am starting to see there is not alot i can do. My qoustion today is this- She was upset because she thinks that the family will not come see her, and sapport her, but on the other side there is alot of anger in the family, so it is better that we don't go see her, either way i do not see a positive. The only answer i can see, is that it has only been 3 days, i would think after time passes, the path would be easier, and it will all work out. It is still so new to the whole family, that we all have mixed fealings.
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
If she is working the program in rehab, and is committed to getting sober, she will soon learn that she will need to find her sobriety inside herself and not look to her family for any of it.
Hopefully a recovering addict will chime in here on this topic and give you their aspect of family involvement in all of this.
sorry it was a rough day. You seem to be on track for yourself keep at it.
prayers for you, your kids and your wife.
Hopefully a recovering addict will chime in here on this topic and give you their aspect of family involvement in all of this.
sorry it was a rough day. You seem to be on track for yourself keep at it.
prayers for you, your kids and your wife.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: canada
Posts: 38
Welcome, and sorry you are dealing with all of this. My husband is the addict here, and I feel your pain completly. I have 2 small children as well.
Her blaming you and the family is a stage in her recovery, she still isn't taking the responsibility of her own actions. Your anger is normal as well, you have been hurt and decieved by someone you trust. You really should ask the rehab if they offer councling for you as well. Sadly for me realised I had so much anger and had been hurt to a point that even if he were to get clean and stay clean it wasn't enough at this point. I'm sorry, not saying that is where you will be, I'm just saying it was the counceling that allowed me to admit that out loud for the first time. i remember even saying he was an addict for the first time was heartbreaking, I somehow figured if I never talked about it to anyone it would go away, like it wasn't happening??like Cece said, we can only cover up and clean their messes for so long before it takes us over and the truth comes out. Take care of you, playing detective will only drain you of what you have left. Please also consider you may find out much more then you bargined for, are you really prepared for that?
I like what you said "I'm taking it alittle bit better today then yesterday"
just keep remembering that-each day will be easier-there will be bumps but for now you have to take care of YOU and your kiddos!!
Best of Wishes!!
Her blaming you and the family is a stage in her recovery, she still isn't taking the responsibility of her own actions. Your anger is normal as well, you have been hurt and decieved by someone you trust. You really should ask the rehab if they offer councling for you as well. Sadly for me realised I had so much anger and had been hurt to a point that even if he were to get clean and stay clean it wasn't enough at this point. I'm sorry, not saying that is where you will be, I'm just saying it was the counceling that allowed me to admit that out loud for the first time. i remember even saying he was an addict for the first time was heartbreaking, I somehow figured if I never talked about it to anyone it would go away, like it wasn't happening??like Cece said, we can only cover up and clean their messes for so long before it takes us over and the truth comes out. Take care of you, playing detective will only drain you of what you have left. Please also consider you may find out much more then you bargined for, are you really prepared for that?
I like what you said "I'm taking it alittle bit better today then yesterday"
just keep remembering that-each day will be easier-there will be bumps but for now you have to take care of YOU and your kiddos!!
Best of Wishes!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
