I'm done with it

Steelhead
Congratulations on finding this forum. My A is my husband. I understand how you feel about the cheating. I have recently kicked my AH out of the house but we still need to talk and be civil with each other because of a family business. However, I feel he has cheated (or cheats) on me. He swears he hasn't but I just don't trust him and just don't feel like I can trust an addict to be truthful about anything. Be prepared for a rocky road ahead but reach out for help, even if it is here. This is my main support for help and everyone has been so helpful and I learn so much from the other posts.

steelhead

This morning i got up, (after my first nights sleep in awhile.) I have already talked to her counceler. I told him i wanted to set up a time for a meeting with both my wife and i, he said it was a good idea, and glad i am willing to do so. Just wanting to start this recovery.

steelhead

Now that i am working on myself, i am trying to figure out how to get the rest of the family to be more like me. My wifes mother and cousin (2 of the clossest people too her) and not taking any of this well. My wife talked to her cousin yesterday, and her cousin had a few choice words for her. Now i hear that the phone calls are recorded, and they are upset with us, thinking we are not good for her. I need to stop the anger between her mother and cousin., i know it has only been a few days, and people need time to heal, the promblem is it is not helping me or her. I told her not to talk to anyone but me, and i hope that works, i figure if they do record phone calls, they should hear that, and agree with me. I also think the phone calls need to stop, and i also mentioned that on the phone.i thought it was once a day!!

My other qoustion (sorry for 2) is when will the truth come out? I am still getting mixed stories from her, and makes it hard to believe fact from fiction, and how do i know what she is telling me is the truth?

Jewelz

Steelhead,

I think the truth would come out in time. It wont happened over night.. right now I believe your wife needs to focus on getting her head cleared up, and dealing with any withdrawls she may be facing. I know you must be going crazy wondering what she may have done, if she cheated or not or if anything she ever told you was ever the truth. But right now you need to focus on you and your children and she needs to focus on her recovery.

There is a great book thats a must read for us Codependent No more by Melody Beattie.

hugs,
Jewelz

HurtingDad

Steelhead,

You wrote:
and that is total truth. The pain will still be there, the hurt, the anger, the questions BUT you will have gained some distance and knowledge from them. My son is the addict in my life, but as with addiction in any family, no one is untouched by the pain.
Get to Naranon, and don't forget to help yourself.

Chino

You can't stop the anger but you can tell them what you posted and suggest they get into Alanon, Naranon, or private counseling. After discovering my daughters addiction I realized if I'm asking her to own her issues, I have to own my as mine.

imallright

Echo, Echo, Echo... on Hurting Dad. Steel...please help yourself. You sound like you have your feet firmly on the ground. It is a tough to pull away and say" have to do what is best for me". BUT, in the end the only way to sanity is to keep yourself well. I think I am telling myself this as much as I am as I am sharing with you, but maybe it will help us both. Best thoughts.

steelhead

well yet another day down. Today started out okey, until i got home to the pile of bills, yet another issue in this messed up tail. My wife took care of all the bills in the house, and i never really got an eye on them, i see the reason behind that. I am now trying to figure how in the world i can pay this month. I do have a classic car that i am trying to sell, that will help alittle. I did speak to her today, and i let her speak to the kids, i was glad to see them smile and light up when they talked to her, it gave her a little taste of home, and maybe alittle push to do well, something i still can't do. When i spoke to her, it started out well (or as well as it could be) but changed as we went on. That seems to happen. I did write her a letter, and told her on the phone, that i am not angry, and just want her to get well, we would worry about "us" when she gets home. Well tomarrow is another day. Thanks again guys.

peaceteach

You're doing great, Steelhead. It's so hard to be the sober one, keeping all running at the homefront. Be sure to listen to all above who talk about how important it is to put the focus on yourself rather than your wife. You have no idea what her motivation is right now or what will or will not help HER recovery. But you do know what goes on in YOUR head and what might help you. Detachment seems contrary to someone who thinks they know what will help the other. The truth is, you don't know at all, but the people at rehab might and the experience she finds in counseling and meetings will also.

Lots of businesses will accept partial payments, even mortgage companies and banks. Make a few calls to see who is receptive to to that idea, being careful to inquire about how it might affect YOUR credit. Take some steps to secure your income out of your wife's hands at this point so that she cannot spend the "bill" money upon her return. Open your own checking and savings accounts and keep the numbers/info locked away or at work. Pill addicts are very good at finding money.

Have you had a chance to read anything related to codependency? For me, it was so incredibly eye-opening to see myself in books. I had no idea how affected I was after living in an addictive setting.

imallright

Steel.... I think someone else mentioned it, but I will again... Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie. I saw myself jumping off the pages and it allowed me to understand more about me and also the addiction. I am an avid reader and never have I read anything this powerful... for me. Of course timing is everything.

hello-kitty

Hi Steelhead. I just want to offer my support. When I get really angry about the situation I am in because my ex is a complete loser drug addict who couldn't man up to being a responsible parent (see? that's the anger part), I let myself feel the anger, and then after a time, I remind myself I wouldn't change anything because my beautiful child came out of that relationship. I try not to dwell in the woulda coulda shoulda stage because I realize that I can only control myself and my own actions and I can't change the past. I live in the present. And I can't predict the future.

I think you have every right to be angry. But try not to waste too much time and energy on it because it's unproductive. Feel it and then move on.

I try to accept that I dont have to solve my problems today or figure out the rest of my life today. I accept that I don't know what will happen in the future. I can enjoy today with my child. Or I can spend it being angry and worrying about the bills. As far as money woes go, things have a funny way of working themselves out, whether we worry about it or we don't worry about it. So as long as I am doing the best I can possibly do and they aren't physically at my door trying to collect, then bonus! I have one more day to pay them back.

steelhead

today was not a bad day, i went to my bank and they are willing to work with me. They have waived a few fees that had happened, and i felt like they really were there to help me, i needed some good luck. I did get to talk to my wife, and we planed a meeting for thursday morning, with the counciler. This will be one full week she has been in there, and the first time we have seen eachother. I feel better going in now, then if i would have seen her the sunday before now. I have cleared my head, and just want to go on with life. I am still having some issues with her mom, she is still very angry, and there is really not much i can do for that, but i can't let it rubb off on me, i just don't have time for negative input. When talking to the wife tonight, i heard a clearer voice, and that made the call easy to take. It is still an up and down rat race in my head, and i still try to figure things out, like why,when,who,how much, but these are things that i think are normal, after all i am only human, but my kids are the most important, and they are my world. The only issue i had today (and its been the first time since thursday) is i actually missed her, and i am not sure if i am sappose to. I don't miss her in the way i think i would want her back, but just missed her in general. I don't think i could ever forgive her, but i did think of some good times, and missed her. I think it is just more to add to the roller coaster of thoughts.

peaceteach

Glad to hear you had a good day overall, Steelhead! You know you don't have to have all the answers right now, just get through one day at a time. Your wife is in a very good place right now, learning a lot about her problems and how to handle them. Thank your higher power and then turn her over to her own HP. How nice that you've had a few positive experiences with life today, and that you are feeling more calm in meeting with your wife and a counselor. And don't forget--take care of you and continue to read up on your role in this process and how YOU have been affected. I'm still pushing that Melody Beattie book

Hangin' In

Steelhead,

Just wanted to say hello and let you know I'm reading your posts. I've been around this board for a while but haven't been able to post lately, thus I'm catching up with the new folks.

Your wife is in early recovery and that is rough. Recovery is very slow for both the addict and the loved ones. Don't expect too much. If she's blaming you for things it's because of her guilt. Just don't buy into the blame. Remember those 3 C's: you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

I hope you will be able to attend some Al Anon meetings. I go twice a week and do not miss those meetings if I can help it. Nothing like face to face support from those who know exactly how you feel and what you are going through.

I'm keeping you and your wife and children in my prayers. And I'm praying your first visit goes well. And if for some reason it doesn't go as well as you would have liked, don't worry. Recovery is about ups and downs and twists and turns. Just take it one day at a time and look at those precious kids of yours. Those kids need their daddy, thus I say find a meeting so daddy can get some help for himself.

Hugs,
Hangin' In