my mom hates me-help please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 80
my mom hates me-help please
Okay, here's my story in a nutshell-
I'm 27, was a heroin addict for 4 years. About a year ago I stole checks from my mother and her boyfriend, cashed them and bought drugs. I forged their signature to the tune of $1,093. When they realized shortly afterwards, they cut me out of their lives, understandably. I spent a night in jail and now have a felony on my record, and am on probation for the next 5 years.
I went straight into rehab after that (for the 3rd time) and have been sober since. It's been 10 months, and my mom refuses to see me. My son was born at a hospital ten minutes from her home, and she wouldn't come for the delivery. She saw him through a car window once. My 3 yr old is always asking for her, and I don't know how to explain it to her that Granny won't talk to Mommy anymore.
Last week I knocked on her door with both kids in hand and asked if I could please come in and talk to her and her boyfriend. She said no. I asked if I would ever be allowed in and she said no.
I asked if things would ever be right between us again, her reply was "I've made my decision".
please, please someone help me find the right words to make her forgive me. I've said it all and nothing has gotten through. It's not only her, but her boyfriend I have to convince, and he has always had a problem with me. What would you want to hear? Please, I miss my mom and don't want another Christmas without my family.
I'm 27, was a heroin addict for 4 years. About a year ago I stole checks from my mother and her boyfriend, cashed them and bought drugs. I forged their signature to the tune of $1,093. When they realized shortly afterwards, they cut me out of their lives, understandably. I spent a night in jail and now have a felony on my record, and am on probation for the next 5 years.
I went straight into rehab after that (for the 3rd time) and have been sober since. It's been 10 months, and my mom refuses to see me. My son was born at a hospital ten minutes from her home, and she wouldn't come for the delivery. She saw him through a car window once. My 3 yr old is always asking for her, and I don't know how to explain it to her that Granny won't talk to Mommy anymore.
Last week I knocked on her door with both kids in hand and asked if I could please come in and talk to her and her boyfriend. She said no. I asked if I would ever be allowed in and she said no.
I asked if things would ever be right between us again, her reply was "I've made my decision".
please, please someone help me find the right words to make her forgive me. I've said it all and nothing has gotten through. It's not only her, but her boyfriend I have to convince, and he has always had a problem with me. What would you want to hear? Please, I miss my mom and don't want another Christmas without my family.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by kissmeimamie 
please, please someone help me find the right words to make her forgive me. I've said it all and nothing has gotten through.
Lord,
Help me deal with the time it will take for mom to let go of her pain and hurt I caused. Help me to continue to let my actions be my words that she may see because I know that actions speak louder then words. Guide me to areas I may need make amends as well and provide me with the tools I will need to make those amends.
Let your actions speak words because words mean nothing without actions to back them up.
Let time heal the pain and hurt your mom is holding onto.
and remember to pray for yourself and her along the way.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
I'm so sorry for your pain.
My story w/my Dad is different, he went from loving me more than anything, to me barely existing when the 'step family became "The Family".
It hurt more than I can explain.
I finally had to let my expectations of what "I wanted" go.
I will never be Daddy's Little Girl again and for no other reason but
I was replaced. It used to drive me so crazy, that I used to love meth even to help 'let go' of the pain.
Somehow, someway, I just let things happen as they do now.
We can't force things to happen the way we want, maybe you could just keep sending cards, or whatever on Holidays, to let her know you are around.
But continue to live your life, You made a huge mistake, but you are not your mistake, maybe letting go some will help.
None of us are perfect, and putting ourselves in the place to be punished or feel bad it isn't productive to our own recovery.
I treat myself with Kid Gloves these days.
I've made mistakes but if someone can't handle me, or does not want me in their life, then that is their loss, because I am a damn good person.
If someone can't or won't forgive me, then do they deserve me?
Hmm, I don't know.
Would I forgive them?
Of course I would...
Treat yourself with kindness. You deserve to be happy.
I had one other thought...
Have you made an attempt to pay her back? Or apologized?
:ghug3
My story w/my Dad is different, he went from loving me more than anything, to me barely existing when the 'step family became "The Family".
It hurt more than I can explain.
I finally had to let my expectations of what "I wanted" go.
I will never be Daddy's Little Girl again and for no other reason but
I was replaced. It used to drive me so crazy, that I used to love meth even to help 'let go' of the pain.
Somehow, someway, I just let things happen as they do now.
We can't force things to happen the way we want, maybe you could just keep sending cards, or whatever on Holidays, to let her know you are around.
But continue to live your life, You made a huge mistake, but you are not your mistake, maybe letting go some will help.
None of us are perfect, and putting ourselves in the place to be punished or feel bad it isn't productive to our own recovery.
I treat myself with Kid Gloves these days.
I've made mistakes but if someone can't handle me, or does not want me in their life, then that is their loss, because I am a damn good person.
If someone can't or won't forgive me, then do they deserve me?
Hmm, I don't know.
Would I forgive them?
Of course I would...
Treat yourself with kindness. You deserve to be happy.
I had one other thought...
Have you made an attempt to pay her back? Or apologized?
:ghug3
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by kissmeimamie
but what if my mom won't see my actions? in her mind I don't exist....
She just doesn't know how to deal with you and it at the same time.
Maybe she needs more time.
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
If your mom is like most moms, it's about being betrayed.
Have you considered making payments towards the $1,093 that you stole from her? It's not about the money and more about righting a wrong, action over words. Think about it.
Have you considered making payments towards the $1,093 that you stole from her? It's not about the money and more about righting a wrong, action over words. Think about it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Amie,
Congratulations on your ten months and being a stand-up mom to your two children. That takes a lot of guts, determination and love!
You are in a similar situation to those of us who have an addicted loved one who chooses a path that we don't agree with and that hurts us. Many of us have spent years trying to "control" our loved ones, to show them that WE know what is best for them and that THEY are wrong to think/act as they do. In our situation, we had to finally accept the steps, just like an addict. We are powerless over how other people act or think. We are wasting our time trying to convince someone else to think or feel something just because we WANT it to be that way. And we continually hurt ourselves and prevent ourselves from finding any happiness when we keep our focus on another person instead of simply taking care of ourselves and letting our HP guide our lives and others.
I have seen much better results in my addict son when I step back and let him own his own life, feelings and problems. Not only does it have a better effect on him, but it brings peace and serenity into MY life as well. Just as I could not convince him that he was wrong in his choices, you cannot convince your mom that she is wrong in hers. It is just not within your power.
It took a long time for your mom to "let go" of you and allow you to find your recovery, and as a mother myself, I am sure it was very painful and difficult to do that. It may take equally as long for her to trust and believe that you have finally decided that you want sobriety and are going to stay sober. She may someday allow herself to reestablish a relationship with you, but your trying to force her to drop all her boundaries is NOT the right approach. It threatens the very peace and serenity she has found with those boundaries, and will make her even more firm in keeping her door shut to you.
Try to go back to the steps you have learned in recovery, where you are taught to keep your focus on you. Continue to step up to your motherhood role with your children and make their lives filled with love and happiness. They are looking to you now as any child looks to his mother, for love and safety. What can YOU do to be a good mother? That is something YOU do have control of. Remind yourself daily that you are powerless over others.
Follow Best's advice that ACTIONS speak more than words. Step back from trying to "force" any contact and start living YOUR life for you and your kids. Make amends when necessary (pay back the stolen money), by mail. Practice patience and forgiveness just as you wish from your mother. Support yourself and your children, and tend to them as they really need a healthy, happy mother. One day at a time, sweetie, and don't think in terms of "never" but just in today. Time is a great healer, but you can't rush through it or force it. Good luck and God bless you in YOUR recovery
Congratulations on your ten months and being a stand-up mom to your two children. That takes a lot of guts, determination and love!
You are in a similar situation to those of us who have an addicted loved one who chooses a path that we don't agree with and that hurts us. Many of us have spent years trying to "control" our loved ones, to show them that WE know what is best for them and that THEY are wrong to think/act as they do. In our situation, we had to finally accept the steps, just like an addict. We are powerless over how other people act or think. We are wasting our time trying to convince someone else to think or feel something just because we WANT it to be that way. And we continually hurt ourselves and prevent ourselves from finding any happiness when we keep our focus on another person instead of simply taking care of ourselves and letting our HP guide our lives and others.
I have seen much better results in my addict son when I step back and let him own his own life, feelings and problems. Not only does it have a better effect on him, but it brings peace and serenity into MY life as well. Just as I could not convince him that he was wrong in his choices, you cannot convince your mom that she is wrong in hers. It is just not within your power.
It took a long time for your mom to "let go" of you and allow you to find your recovery, and as a mother myself, I am sure it was very painful and difficult to do that. It may take equally as long for her to trust and believe that you have finally decided that you want sobriety and are going to stay sober. She may someday allow herself to reestablish a relationship with you, but your trying to force her to drop all her boundaries is NOT the right approach. It threatens the very peace and serenity she has found with those boundaries, and will make her even more firm in keeping her door shut to you.
Try to go back to the steps you have learned in recovery, where you are taught to keep your focus on you. Continue to step up to your motherhood role with your children and make their lives filled with love and happiness. They are looking to you now as any child looks to his mother, for love and safety. What can YOU do to be a good mother? That is something YOU do have control of. Remind yourself daily that you are powerless over others.
Follow Best's advice that ACTIONS speak more than words. Step back from trying to "force" any contact and start living YOUR life for you and your kids. Make amends when necessary (pay back the stolen money), by mail. Practice patience and forgiveness just as you wish from your mother. Support yourself and your children, and tend to them as they really need a healthy, happy mother. One day at a time, sweetie, and don't think in terms of "never" but just in today. Time is a great healer, but you can't rush through it or force it. Good luck and God bless you in YOUR recovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 80
actually they've been paid back by the bank, I'm making restitution payments but they're going to the bank not my mom. On that note though, I'm reminded of a phone call I made begging for forgiveness when her boyfriend said that if I paid it all back by the end of the week, all would be fine. Then I found out that they had already been paid back.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Welcome to SR)))
First of all, congratulations on your recovery.
I am a recovering crack addict. There are some things I lost due to my addiction I can never get back....some I've gotten back, and some I may or may not get back.
Your mom may just need time. The best thing you can do is work hard on YOUR recovery, and being a good mom to your kids.
We have hurt the people who love us by our addiction. We can't force them to do anything they are not comfortable with. This is one of the hardest consequences we have to deal with in recovery. We're doing better, feeling better, and want everything to go back to normal. Problem is WE changed the "normal" because of the pain we inflicted on our loved ones.
If it was me, even though the bank paid her the money back, I would still pay it back as I was able or make an attempt to. It was a personal violation of their trust, and paying back restitution or the fact that the bank paid them back the money, doesn't take away the personal stuff....but that's just me. I figure I put my family through hell, and I try to find ways to help out here and there, even little things. It helps them out, and it makes me feel good that I can contribute to the family, instead of bringing them misery.
I have to remember that I caused my family a lot of pain when I was using, and I can't undo it. I CAN, however, be the best person I can be right now!
I think it's great that you are taking care of you and your kids. Your mom may or not come around, but if she does, it will be when she's ready. Think of this...you were an addict for 4 years...10 months is GREAT, but it's a relatively short period of time compared to the 4 years. We can't undo our past, no matter how much we want to. We just accept it and go forward, making amends when possible. For most of us recovering addicts, our past makes us better people because we realize we have been given a second chance.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
First of all, congratulations on your recovery.
I am a recovering crack addict. There are some things I lost due to my addiction I can never get back....some I've gotten back, and some I may or may not get back.
Your mom may just need time. The best thing you can do is work hard on YOUR recovery, and being a good mom to your kids.
We have hurt the people who love us by our addiction. We can't force them to do anything they are not comfortable with. This is one of the hardest consequences we have to deal with in recovery. We're doing better, feeling better, and want everything to go back to normal. Problem is WE changed the "normal" because of the pain we inflicted on our loved ones.
If it was me, even though the bank paid her the money back, I would still pay it back as I was able or make an attempt to. It was a personal violation of their trust, and paying back restitution or the fact that the bank paid them back the money, doesn't take away the personal stuff....but that's just me. I figure I put my family through hell, and I try to find ways to help out here and there, even little things. It helps them out, and it makes me feel good that I can contribute to the family, instead of bringing them misery.
I have to remember that I caused my family a lot of pain when I was using, and I can't undo it. I CAN, however, be the best person I can be right now!
I think it's great that you are taking care of you and your kids. Your mom may or not come around, but if she does, it will be when she's ready. Think of this...you were an addict for 4 years...10 months is GREAT, but it's a relatively short period of time compared to the 4 years. We can't undo our past, no matter how much we want to. We just accept it and go forward, making amends when possible. For most of us recovering addicts, our past makes us better people because we realize we have been given a second chance.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Whatever happens, don't use. You quit for yourself and you have to live your life sober for you. No matter what happens with your mom, take care of yourself. Give it some more time. Ten months may not be enough time for your mom to forgive you. Hugs, Marle
turning red!
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: hong kong
Posts: 254
Hi Kiss,
Just wanted to pop by and congratulate you on your newborn baby and for being 10 months clean. You're doing great.
As for your mum, not much to add to above. Give her time.
keep up the good work on yourself
x
Carine
Just wanted to pop by and congratulate you on your newborn baby and for being 10 months clean. You're doing great.
As for your mum, not much to add to above. Give her time.
keep up the good work on yourself
x
Carine
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Virginia gal
Posts: 132
in her shoes
Oh. to be in your mom's shoes. If only my daughter would come to my door. My AD has done so much more to me than you said you have. Stolen , lied , coned. used her children to get what she wanted, but if she had turned a corner for 10 months and came to my door, I would get on my knees and thank the Lord. But maybe you could start by writing her and if possible include some payment of money that you owe her. Writing , you can say so much more , tell her about yourself, how you are doing , what you are doing. and about those two beautiful grandbabies. Send pictures if you can. Let her know that you intend to make amends. Tell her you are sorry! Ask the Holy Spirit to touch her heart and soften it . Again if only my AD would come to my door!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tears of joy. I will keep you all in my prayers.
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Congrats on your sober time.
Keep on working your program. Pray on it. Make those amends. Whether or not Mom decides to be a part of your life, you can get to a place within yourself where you'll be able to handle whatever the outcome is. It's not up to you..
Big hugs,
Karen
Keep on working your program. Pray on it. Make those amends. Whether or not Mom decides to be a part of your life, you can get to a place within yourself where you'll be able to handle whatever the outcome is. It's not up to you..
Big hugs,
Karen
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Hi,
Another mom of AD, age 23 (24 this month) who is gone again, 3 months this time. You mom loves you, I'd bet money if I had any! The hurt and anger are still to fresh. Keep up your good work, attempt to stay in touch. Just like she couldn't make you do right and stop drugs, you can't make her accept and forgive. I guess this might be a consequence. Never doubt her love. God worked in your life and He will work on your mom. Sometimes the timing is not what we want, but miracles happen every day--look at you!
Congrats on the 10 months, my daughter never gets past 3. I too would love for her to ring the bell w/ 10 months, but honestly, I don't know what I'd do this time as it was all done before.
Patience, love, and forgiveness and continue to do the next right thing. Take care of you and the babies.
susan
Another mom of AD, age 23 (24 this month) who is gone again, 3 months this time. You mom loves you, I'd bet money if I had any! The hurt and anger are still to fresh. Keep up your good work, attempt to stay in touch. Just like she couldn't make you do right and stop drugs, you can't make her accept and forgive. I guess this might be a consequence. Never doubt her love. God worked in your life and He will work on your mom. Sometimes the timing is not what we want, but miracles happen every day--look at you!
Congrats on the 10 months, my daughter never gets past 3. I too would love for her to ring the bell w/ 10 months, but honestly, I don't know what I'd do this time as it was all done before.
Patience, love, and forgiveness and continue to do the next right thing. Take care of you and the babies.
susan
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I'm reminded of a phone call I made begging for forgiveness when her boyfriend said that if I paid it all back by the end of the week, all would be fine. Then I found out that they had already been paid back.....
If I were in your situation, I would start to pay her back that money (if you haven't already.) Even if it's just $20 a month. I'd send a running tally each time I did that, to show what's been paid off and what is left. I would send a check with a note stating that I understand she's cut me out of her life, but it's important to me to pay her back.
I think that's just where I'd start, then see what kind of response you would get.
There is a part of her that probably wants desperately to reach out, but is afraid of being hurt again, of having that trust utterly destroyed.
You could also write her a letter telling her straight up that you understand why she's cut you out, but that your children want to know their grandmother. A letter is less invasive, but my suggestion with that is:
don't guilt her into anything
don't try to manipulate her feelings
be honest and up front and take responsibility for everything
I'm not sure if any of this will help, but were I in her shoes, it would go a long way.
Hang in there. You've done so well and those babies need you.
Also, the boyfriend sounds a bit strange. He's making this all about money, not about betrayal of trust. That just doesn't sit well with me. Perhaps this just needs a little more time, as someone else suggested, but it wouldn't hurt for you to start offering up restitution of your own, to them.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((((Amie)))))))))
How was your relationship with your mom before you started using
and became addicted? My son and I have always been close. He
and my husband...not so much. Better now that he is sober.
It does take time for the hurt and betrayal to heal. My son robbed our
home a few years ago. He's never paid us back for what he took.
I just thank God he's clean now. Getting over the hurt took time, healing,
and recovery of my own before I could forgive him. Sending prayers that
your mom and stepdad can one day forgive you and let you back into their lives. I'm sure your still in your mother's heart. I'm also sure that she's proud of you for getting sober. Showing it is harder. It will take time. Take care of you and your children.
Congratulations on your sober time. Keep up the good work.
Prayers for continued sobriety and serenity,
Linda
How was your relationship with your mom before you started using
and became addicted? My son and I have always been close. He
and my husband...not so much. Better now that he is sober.
It does take time for the hurt and betrayal to heal. My son robbed our
home a few years ago. He's never paid us back for what he took.
I just thank God he's clean now. Getting over the hurt took time, healing,
and recovery of my own before I could forgive him. Sending prayers that
your mom and stepdad can one day forgive you and let you back into their lives. I'm sure your still in your mother's heart. I'm also sure that she's proud of you for getting sober. Showing it is harder. It will take time. Take care of you and your children.
Congratulations on your sober time. Keep up the good work.
Prayers for continued sobriety and serenity,
Linda
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
I can tell you that it takes a long time to overcome the hurt and pain that a mom has been put through. Perhaps your mom has fear that if she lets her guard down she will be hurt again and she can't bear to go through that again. She has found some kind of peace without you in her life right now and she doesn't want to lose that. Trust me she did one of the hardest things a mom had to do by letting you go an detaching from you.
Just remember that detaching does not me that she doesn't love you. She detached from you so you could find your own way. In that process she tried to take care of herself and live her life the best way she knew how with her broken heart.
I agree with painter......take some baby steps. Send pictures of the babies. Let her know how you are. It might seem like it is a lot of work on your part to try to build some kind of a relationship. Do the best that you can and be patient with her. She has been through a lot of pain......I know that pain as a mom.
I will pray for God to soften her heart and accept her new daughter.
Hugs............Lo
Just remember that detaching does not me that she doesn't love you. She detached from you so you could find your own way. In that process she tried to take care of herself and live her life the best way she knew how with her broken heart.
I agree with painter......take some baby steps. Send pictures of the babies. Let her know how you are. It might seem like it is a lot of work on your part to try to build some kind of a relationship. Do the best that you can and be patient with her. She has been through a lot of pain......I know that pain as a mom.
I will pray for God to soften her heart and accept her new daughter.
Hugs............Lo
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Just remember that detaching does not me that she doesn't love you. She detached from you so you could find your own way. In that process she tried to take care of herself and live her life the best way she knew how with her broken heart.
Perhaps this is something that she needs to see in you, see that you understand. If you can relate to her and empathize with how she's had to cope with this and what she went through, then it might help her build some more confidence in you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In
Posts: 561
Congrads on the 10 months clean that's great. As for your Mom I doubt she hates you, mostly she doesn't want to get hurt again. Like the others have said maybe she is just afraid. Some days I wish I had the strength to just refuse to to see or talk to my daughter. I love her to death but the pain of watching her destroy herself is slowly killing me.
Stick with your program take care of your kids, most likely she'll come around.
Stick with your program take care of your kids, most likely she'll come around.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I'm going to be the oddball... since the FDIC covered the loss, restitution payments are being made and the debt to society is being fulfilled, further payment is not necessary in my opinion. The way I see it, if that's what they say they need then it really is all about the money and not much else, except for pride perhaps?
The only thing I can suggest as repayment is to live your life well. It's what we parents always say we want when the subject comes up.
The only thing I can suggest as repayment is to live your life well. It's what we parents always say we want when the subject comes up.
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