Impurrfect

(((Amie)))

One more thing I wanted to add. I came to this forum because I'm really codependent...want to fix everything and everyone.

But when I got here, read all the posts, and realized what we put our loved ones through by using, I have a much greater appreciation for not only my family, but all the people here. You won't meet a more caring group of people.

I hope your mom does come around, but if she doesn't, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you....she just may have to do it from a distance. Whatever you do, keep working at YOUR recovery and being a good mom. Take baby steps with your mom, do what you can, then let it go. The more I learn about codependence, the more I realize I really don't have control over what anyone else does....no matter how much I love them.

I know of a lot of women (several here) who have kids who don't have a relationship with some of the grandparents, for one reason or another. The children still thrive because MOM is there and they have other people in their lives who love them.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Bernadette

hey kissme--

Well done on your 10 months. How are you feeling?

Are you in a recovery program? If it is a 12 step program learning to work the steps will really help you with this issue.

I would avoid the dramatic confrontations. Like showing up and demanding to be seen- or especially showing up with children in tow. That's just way too dramatic in my opinion. You've put your mom through hell, and just because now YOU feel like things are different or SHOULD be a certain way - she may just not be ready.

For those of us who love alcoholics/addicts we get really really really burnt out on / suspicious of drama.

A's love to force drama into our lives (why? you tell me!!). Showing up and making any kind of demand on your mom might just be too reminiscent of "drama" and she has to just keep her walls up until she knows what it all really means for her.

It takes as huge an effort for a codependent/enabler to detach from an A loved one as it takes for an A to get off drugs. So give her her space for a while. Time and trust will win her heart. Send her updates or something by mail about the grandkids. Just nice neutral notes. Send her updates on your own progress or growth. Tell her you love her. But don't make any demands or have any expectations. It's very hard to do - ask anyone on this F&F forum.

Continued success with your recovery!
Peace,
B.

lilkim

I agree with Chino. Why should she get payed twice? I understand she's hurt but she'll either get over it or not. Take care of you. I'm a mother and a grandmother of 4 grandsons. No matter how upset I am with their mother. Nothing is going to stop me from seeing my babies.

ZombieWife

Hmm, I understand the getting paid twice thing, but I guess a part of me would not hesitate to show my mother, "I'm willing to pay you twice here." And if it's about the money, then that will no longer be an issue or a roadblock in the future. To me, it would be worth $1000 to get that door open.

I totally agree with this. The drama gets to be so wearisome and tiring. I can understand that you might be desperate for her love, to get SOME kind of reaction from her (even if it's negative,) but I have a feeling that might only damage your own sobriety. I would think that doing that kind of thing might take you on an emotional roller coaster that could put you in an emotional place where you feel out of control.

Either way, just hang in there and live your life. Work on yourself. If it takes years for your mother to come around, then it takes years. You have to be willing to face that possibility, as grim as it sounds. I think the best thing you can do is clean living and showing the world that you've risen above the craziness and can care for yourself and those beautiful babies.

kissmeimamie

wow, first of all thank you to the many who have replied with their suggestions and prayers, you guys are a wonderful group!

Unfortunately, my mom and I have never had a good relationship. She's bipolar, has never had a job, and spent most of my childhood sleeping because of all the pills she was on (she's also a hypochondriac). She wasn't there when my son was born, but she wasn't there when my daughter was born 3 years ago either and that was before she knew I had a problem. She once made the suggestion that I start to pay her back for the things she bought me as a child (which, by the way, were bought with her welfare checks). Her boyfriend and I have had a rocky relationship ever since my sister told me he was "inappropriate" towards her and I called him on it. Basically, I was the black sheep of the family before the addiction....when I was 15 I slit my wrists and begged my mom to admit me to the hospital for a few days, her response was "you're a bitch, and if anyone needs a vacation it's me".

Why, do you ask, do I care then if my mom won't see me? Because for every bad memory there are 3 great ones. When she was having an "upswing" in her mood she was so much fun, I miss that mom. It is about money in this situation though, unfortunately. Neither her or her boyfriend work, they both stay at home and basically take advantage of the welfare system in our state. But my fiance and I are barely making ends meet as it is and with the two little ones don't have the extra money to give, I don't work because I stay at home with them so the only income comes from my fiance, we're lucky to have $100 left at the end of the month!

I don't know what I'm expecting really, I guess it will never be good again, maybe I just need to learn to let go. It's just so hard, it's my MOM, you know?

best

Yes it is your mom but I learned I needed let go and take care of "me" first.
Boundaries get used to keep my space at peace and my family safe. If I would visit mom and she would start with any negative behaviors...I would leave so my children would be safe and not learn such things.
We can't change others. We can't control others. We can't buy others.
Be an example for others is the best we can do. You think she doesn't see or know what is going on in your life. With you not around, she will be sure to ask others as her curiosity alone will have her asking.
Continue to do what is good and right for you and the babies and by doing so...you just may end up being an example that one day will open her eyes to what she is missing in life.

Lobo

There is always another side to the story. This doesn't sound like a normal mom/daughter relationship. You have had your problems with her before drugs. If you have your head on straight and you know what is right and what is wrong then only you can determine where this relationship will go. You can do your part to try to have a relationship but you can't make anyone do what they don't want to do.

Keep the good memories in your heart and be a good daughter to your mom. If she continues to turn her back on you then that is a sad loss for her. One day she may realize what she is missing out on. Until then take care of yourself and your children.
It sounds like you are a good mom and are trying very hard to rebuild your life. Keep up the good work no matter what. Don't let anyone or anything bring you down. You have to focus on your own little family.

Take care hon...........Lo

Impurrfect

(((Amie)))

Now that you explained a little more about your relationship with your mom, I take back what I said about paying the money if you can. Obviously, you aren't in a position financially.

Take care of you and your family. If you try to rebuild a relationship with your mom and it doesn't work, then you know you've done what you can. Sometimes we have to keep a little distance from certain people, no matter how much we love them.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Bernadette

It's just so hard, it's my MOM, you know?

Yes! Believe me, you've posted to the right place where we really DO know what you mean when you say "...but it's my MOM!!"

Thanks for filling in the blanks - your relationship makes a bit more sense now.

It's painful, but sometimes necessary to let go. Just for today. We never know what tomorrow will bring - time may not heal all wounds but it does eventually give us new perspectives and new options.

I say DITTO to what Impurrfect said above 100%!!!

Peace,
B.

caileesnana

Your mom is sick, and you know you can't change that. Now I understand the "boyfriend" issue (I hate Jr. High!).

As said above, love her as she is your mom. Move on, do a good job w/ your kids. Life goes on, with or without sometimes.
susan

kissmeimamie

thanks guys, I was just telling my fiancee (is it fiancee, or fiance?) how much this has helped already, just letting it out to people who understand.
Impurrfect really hit the nail on the head about how I feel everything is so much better now and want the "normal" to come back, but the things I've done will always be there and have changed what "normal" is.
I love my life now, I'm happier than I've ever been, and I want to share the new, enlightened me with my family but they've closed that door....has anyone else had to do that, and how do you cope?

Latte

I know that I can't control other people. It doesn't matter what I do.

I can only work my program, (do the next right thing, talk to my sponsor etc.) When I work on me things get better and stay better. I don't do these things for others, I do them for me. By helping myself and loving myself I am doing the best thing for the others who love me. When I was using, I hated myself so how could anyone else love me? When it is time, your mother will let you know, until then, keep the faith.

wooforever

Kissme,
I am sorry for your hurt feelings, and the crappy life that was dealt to you. It sounds like you are better off without your mother and her boyfriend. YOur children will stop asking for her when the contact is gone.

I have an ex-mother-in-law that has never seen her grandson, because she has only raised children that are addicts,grandkids that also are addicts and great grandkids that are also will be addicts because of how they live.

I would just not have any contact with her, it sounds like she really does not want any contact with you or your kids. so why keep the pain. Let go and take it one day at a time.

Stay sober and in recovery for you.

ZombieWife

kissme,

I am so sorry. The first thing that comes to mind is that we cannot pick our parents. We can pick our friends, our mates. I have only limited experience when people who are bipolar and I know it's a very difficult situation for everyone involved.

I think that the paying back of the money is not such a good idea with this extra information. It sounds like your mother has very serious emotional/mental problems (though I am not a doctor of any kind.) It sounds like there are many things that she has to deal with and is having problems with herself.

I think it's good that there is something of a distance for now. I think you can work on yourself and your own family. In your shoes, I'd give her what she wants. If she contacts you and suddenly wants in your life, then you have the right to demand for this on YOUR terms. Sure, you messed up, but I don't think what you did warrants her severe response (especially in light of her own situation now.) Perhaps it's leverage she is using to keep herself looking like the "good guy" here. Having that means she might not have to look closely at her own problems and her own life?

I agree with this completely.

I stand by what I said earlier though. Maybe writing a letter to her would help. Tell her you love her with all your heart, that you have wonderful memories of her, and that you respect her wishes to have some distance. If she wants to broach the possibility of a reconcilliation again, then you are open to that (and you can then dictate your own boundaries if that time comes.) I would proceed with grace (as my grandmother used to tell me.) Be loving, open-hearted and let her know how much you love the wonderful memories. Say nothing negative. Just send the positive out into the world. The worst she can ever say about you from this point on is "my daughter was NICE, KIND and LOVING to me!" And honestly? It feels good to do something like that, even if you have a hard time doing it. You'll feel better in the end.

Maybe it's time to let go of the bitterness about things she has done wrong. It will only poison things. A friend once told me to imagine all the bad as if it was playing in a DVD player, on a television set--see it clearly. Then, imagine yourself ejecting the DVD and breaking it and destroying that DVD. Then start a new "DVD" in your mind of good things and hang onto those. As odd as it sounds, that helps me with bad memories sometimes, with things I try so hard to push away. Or, find another mental image trick that helps you past some of that. Find what works.

And I also want to say that I am so sorry she was not there for the birth of your children. It is such a miracle and I struggle with the fact that my husband was not "really there" for the birth of our child as well. But, I cherish my memories of me and my little one together bonding. Hang onto that.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. =) Just hang in there. And blessed be that you are clean and living well. It gives people like ME hope for our own loved ones.