nytepassion

(sigh)

Daughter:
"Not everybody is like you, mom.
Not everyone turns into a drug addict.
I'm not like you and I'm not like those other people.
I know my limits and I would never use coke, or meth.
I hate meth because I know what it did to my dad".

Mom:
Not everyone is like me,
but the majority of us were like you. We didn't think there was anything wrong with 'partying' "getting high" We knew it all too. Thought we had our shyte together for one reason or another .. you're justification is that you hold down a full time job! Well guess what .. there are hundreds, thousands, maybe even millions of functional addicts who are on the downward spiral and don't even know it.. those of us who have been there, done that and were "blessed, fortunate" enough to have made it out know just where that road leads to.

Daughter:
You know what mom..
You are not always right, but you think you are.
even when you're wrong .. you're right and I hate that about you.
You're not perfect and you think you are.

Mom:
I'm not always wrong either and I can guarantee you that I am not wrong about where you are headed.

Daughter:
Just because I smoke pot doesn't make me a drug addict.

Mom:
Can you live without it?

Daughter:
I don't want to live without it.
I like getting high.
I work 40 hours a week. I deserve to get high.

Mom:
You deserve to get high?

Daughter:
Yes, I work my damn arse off and put up with all kinds of shyte and I when I get off work I like to chill and smoke a bowl.

Mom:
Let me get this straight .. you work hard for your money, put up with all kinds of crap and then you reward yourself by letting that hard earned money go up in smoke and have nothing to show for it, but a empty bank account and a open hand looking to borrow money so that you can get back and forth to work .. because you mishandled yours.

Daughter:
Its not like I don't pay you back

Mom:
That is not the point. The point is the reason you have to borrow money in the first place .. because you screwed yours away. I work, pay my bills and every week I keep twenty dollars for myself .. It is my whatif money .. what if we need toilet paper, shampoo, toothpaste ..etc ... Not for whatif you need to borrow it from me because you were irresponsible.

Daughter:
I'm not "f"ing irresponsible .. I work and pay my own way. Its not like I'm a coke-head or anything.

Mom:
Let me ask you this.
How much money have you saved to move out?

Daughter:
None. I don't make a whole lot.

Mom:
But you make enough to buy pot.

Daughter:
I don't buy that much. Twenty bucks every coupla weeks.

Mom:
That's 40 bucks that could have been in your bank account, but instead went up in smoke.

Daughter:
What I do with my money is none of your business

Mom:
It is when you've got your hand stuck out to borrow money from me.

Daughter:
Its not like I don't pay you back.

Mom:
It is not like I am going to lend you money to pay back.

Daughter:
I need money to get back and forth to work mom.

Mom:
Not my problem

Daughter:
That's "f"ed up

Mom:
You getting back and forth to work is not my responsibility .. it's yours.

Daughter:
I hate it when you call me a drug addict

Mom:
I hate it that you are one.



My daughter (almost 20 years old)

Is a pot-head and aspiring alcoholic .. in the 'past' she has had a love affair with opiates and I can't say that she still doesn't do them from time to time. Over the past few months she has rapidly slipped further and further away. She has all the traits of a active addict (selfish, rude, angry, verbally obnoxious, denial, lies, blames, detest my authority) I had told her about a week ago that due to her behavior she needed to be out of my house by June 1st, but if she continued to disrespect me she would be out sooner (she thanked me for being so "gracious" time wise).

Well the other night I'm sleeping and all hell broke out with her brother and her and she came stomping down the stairs at 1:30 in the morning screaming up the stairs at him .. when I told her to lower her voice she just kept it up and then went back up stairs and got on her cellphone to complain about us to a friend .. she started in on her sister and I went up stairs to tell her to knock it off.. of course she wanted to argue and down play her part in it, blame me for everything wrong with her and then proceed to tell me she doesn't like me ..

anyhow, ultimately I told her that she needed to be out by May 1st.

It is painful to watch her go down this path and short sell herself, but I know that there isn't anything I haven't already said or done that could stop her. I have to let her go. I am pushing her out of the nest so that she can experience the reality of lifestyle she is choosing. I will not shelter, nurture or condone it for that is not in her best interest. If this is the life she wants then she might as well experience it full on.

She is right though... not everybody is like me .. not every addict is fortunate to be a recovering addict .. Maybe one day she'll stop being like I was and become more like I am.

Passion

liesagain

passion
so sorry about your daughter.......................Its like banging your head against a brick wall I swear it is............

they think they know everything and we're nuts.......so wish we could fast forward thru these years..............

hugs and prayers
by the way I think your a great mom and I admire how well you handle yourself in the interactions with her!!!! GO MOM!!!

BayAreaPhoenix

((((NYTE))))
Ditto from me - GO MOM!!!!!

Your strength is inspiring.

Jewelz

Wow passion I am also sorry for your daughter and you are such a strong woman.... I can for the life of me understand how you get your strength. I believe you are doing the right thing with your daughter. My prayers are going out to all of your family today.

Hugs,
Jewelz

best

My children have seen my mistakes so they know what can be.
My children have seen my recovery... so they also know what is and can be for them as well.
When they want what I have, they will seek it for themselves.

Emimily

when i was 16, my mom relapsed. i had never seen her drink before. she's 1/2 native american, 1/2 irish - when she drinks, she goes mad. screams, throws things, threatens, etc. pretty much what i did when i was drinking. i moved in with a friend's family for half my senior year of high school.

my mom got sober about a year and a half later, and i was just starting to party hard. i was 18, and really getting into alcohol and pot. i lived at home my freshman year of college, so it was just me and mom and the dogs. one day, i stood at the top of the stairs and screamed "you're such a B*TCH!" she had no idea how much i was drinking, or anything like that, and never mentioned it to me. you know what she did? she looked at me and said "well, that was lovely."

3 and a half years later, i asked my mom to take me to a meeting. on may 20th i'll have 2 years sober. god does some amazing things... i'll be thinking about you, and your little hellion, and the rest of your family. you're a good mom.

nytepassion

All I know is she knows the rules of living here. She has chose to disregard them and has been giving plenty of warning and time to correct the problem, but cannot at this time because the problem is deep within her and she nurishes it everyday and night by feeding it ..

It is not love for myself, for her or the rest of the family to permit her continue to be disrespectful, disruptive and destructive in our home ... Therefore I have given her notice to move and made her perfectly aware that she needs to be saving to leave because when the deadline hits that all the crying, begging, pleading, bargining, nice-ness in the world is not going to change my mind ... She has made her bed and I'm more then happy to let her lay in it. She has some big time lessons in life to learn and I'm the kind of mom that is willing to step aside and let her learn them. (I live by if you wanna run with the big dawgs you can't squat like a puppy).

All this time she has been pretty much sheltered and protected, .. the baby has been playing in the sandbox .. its time she gets a dose of the real world .. let her put that in her pipe and smoke it. Harsh, yeah maybe, jaded? yeah a bit, but the life she has been living is not reality and she might as well learn sooner than later that drug addiction isn't all its cooked up to be and that world is a cold, cruel, dog eat dog one where she will find no comforts of home in it and to protect her from the truth would be doing her a great injustice.

Passion

Impurrfect

(((Nyte)))

You never fail to amaze me! And even though I am older than you, I STILL want to be you when I grow up!

My niece is 14, and is already showing addict behaviors....lies, manipulation, "the world revolves around ME". Some of that is being 14, I know, but she has never had any rules, discipline or consequences. She is supposedly home-schooled, but stays at her best friend's house 2-3 weeks at a time. She told me 2 years ago she was smoking weed and drinking liquor "because I hate the taste of beer".

Since I have no say-so in what she does, I am just trying to make her realize there are consequences for her her behavior toward ME...the only thing I can control. When I read the conversation between you two, I can hear my niece, Brit, although I'm not her mom. Her real mom died when Brit was a baby, sperm-donor dad is a crack addict who only wants her in his life when he can manipulate his parents to give him money...for her.

I really needed this post, to remind myself that we can't save them from making the same mistakes we did, any more than our parents could save us. All we can do is love them, and let them fall on their faces and pick themselves up....just like we did.

I think you are an awesome mom and all of your kids are very lucky to have you!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

havehope

Thanks for showing us mom's what recovery (yours') looks like.
I am proud of you as always.
HUGS

CatsPajamas

I swear I've had most of that dialogue myself with one of my sons. And parts of it with the other.

Hugs and love from mom to mom.

peaceteach

Ditto. Same converstion Incredible.

Great job, Nyte. Thanks for another shining example from both sides of the fence.

grateful2b

************{passion}}}}}}}

had the conversation, gave the ultimatums, followed through,
but did not do any of it with the grace you do, passion.....amazing..

caileesnana

You are a great blessing to so many(simple words, but all I can think of)
my hat is off to you,
susan

BigSis

Passion... oh baby.


I copied that conversation and emailed it to my son. All I told him was that I wanted his take on it.

He is the "daughter" in that one, I am curious to see if he can see himself in this.

Maybe.



You've been down this road, hon...you know how hard it is. And yet you keep putting one foot in front of the other, because not doing so is even more difficult.

You are on my heart and in my mind. Please know you are held up in prayer.... right this minute. (((Passion)))

hope213

you have been through so much & now this. i am sorry for all you have been through & all you are going through. you are a shining example of what recovery can be .
prayers continued for you & your family. hugs,

ctrom40

Passion,

Nobody said this parenting thing was going to be easy.
Toughest job I have ever had, and the pay stinks!

As a mother, I have had that same conversation with (2) children.
But, I am sure that I did not have the "GRACE" that I am sure you had.

You know in your heart that you are doing the right thing,
cuz if nothin changes, nothin changes.....

Lots of hug,
Colleen

marle

Nyte, So many of your writings have helped me to detach from my daughter and have hope that someday she will stand on her own. So sending hugs and prayers for your daughter to do the same. And hugs and prayers for you too. Marle