Am I wrong here???
 

This is a long story, but I will try to make it as short as possible...When my AH was in rehab I let my Mom borrow $730.00 to fix her car and she said she would pay us back as soon as she could. It was a matter of convenience really, she was in the city (they live in a rural area) and needed to pay the auto shop and didn't want to drive 45 minutes away to her credit union to get the money out so I decided to help her out. I told my AH about it and he wasn't mad at all. He said that my parents have done a lot for us so why shouldn't we help them?

Well, yesterday I got paid and took some money out of our savings account to cover our bills and he blew up at me about letting my mom borrow $730.00. He was SOOOO mad about it. He says he wants the money back because we are "broke" (we still have money in our savings and checking and all of or bills are paid). Not to mention, my parents just gave us $2,300.00 in 2007 to get out if an apartment lease when he was in rehab the first time. They also paid for our $20,000.00 wedding, have bought us countless furniture items, gave my AH a car to drive, paid for most of my college education etc. So, it is not like they owe us the money it is like we owe THEM.

He was bitching so much last night that I finally called my parents and my Dad offered to pay off our mortgage so that we could be a little more comfortable and we could just make payments to him interest free. But, guess what? My AH is STILL NOT HAPPY! He said, "whatever, I don't want the money back now.. and I don't want them to pay off the mortgage."

Am I wrong here??? Did I make the wrong decision by letting my mom borrow the money? Why do you think he is so angry about it??

(I do also want to mention that my AH has been laid off from work for almost a month and they do not see him returning to work until May, so not as much money is coming in as before:coaster)

Honey-

He's an addict. He wants to gripe. Your convenient. It's what they do.

You are not wrong to have helped your mom get her car fixed. He was sitting in rehab and you had real world decisions to make all by yourself. I think the first thing I would think if my AH jumped on me like that would be - what has he done? He's feeling guilty about something and taking it out on me. Maybe it's just the fact that he's not working, his addiction has caused financial hardship and he's not being a man and taking care of his family, i.e., pride.

What I heard is that your AH is feeling bad about himself, he's not working, etc. so he's going to lash out, and guess who's convenient! I'm sorry, because I can absolutely see how you got to the point where you called your parents. I can also see one day you will get to the point where you can walk away when he starts talking such nonsense and not let it get to you!

When I feel confused, chances are I'm being lied to and/or manipulated. Many have given me this "golden rule", and it works. I had to learn that meant any and all confusion! Not just on the "really insane" stuff, but anytime I got that look on my face - you know the one, What are you talking about? look! Time to walk away!

(((hugs)))

Maybe it's just me...but I heard "I want the cash...I don't want it to go to the bills...I want the cash in hand". Personally if my parents were able and willing to pay off my mortgage...I think I would faint. What he wants to use it on...I leave up to your imagination. Just my humble opinion and perspective.

I could be totally wrong.

You are not alone Cupicake. I had 'red flags' going off all over the place when I read your post Daisy Lady.

He's not in recovery, he is just looking for a way to get money to get high. Be very very careful.

Keep coming here and posting to let us know how YOU are doing. Have some things packed (including important paperwork) and stashed for a quick get-a-way. I suggest this because when a person 'goes back out' it's is like he never stopped at all. He starts at where he would have been.

I know some don't believe this but I have seen it too many times. And as his using escalates so will his verbal abuse and probably physical abuse will raise it' head also.

Continue to stick with your boundaries. Sounds to me like you have an excellent plan.

No you are not wrong. You did what you need to do for your sanity and serenity.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

I think your AH pride is hurt. I do not think you wrong in giving your parents the money. You should be proud that you could do that for your parents. Hold your head up high and proud of what you are doing. As for your parents offering to pay off the mortage do what you think is right.

Question would you AH known you gave your parents the money unless you told him. If not then I would not tell him about things that will just cause a fight later on.

Stop self doubting your decisions.

I have to say, I saw red flags going up when I read your post, too (I'm a recovering addict).

It may just be his pride, but for a person who is working hard at her recovery, I don't think his blowing up is very recovery-like.

You don't deserve his temper tantrums, no matter what the cause. As for me, I would be watching the money situation very carefully and giving him only limited access.

Thanks to recovery, I've learned to stop taking out my frustrations on others. I caused all my own problems, and it's no one else's place to make things all better.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

I agree, I hear I want the cash for drugs.

Being 'In Recovery' myself I just saw Red Flags.

I would not ever let anyone try and make me feel bad for helping
out my parents.

You know what is right and wrong here. Don't let addict behavior
doubt your decisions.


JMO ;)