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Old 04-08-2008, 06:08 AM
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Advice Please

Came home last nite after an exhausting day. Opened the mail box and to my surprise my As got at my spouses credit card again.
He must have phoned a pin number in and pretended to be my spouse he withdrew 1600.00 from the mastercard at an ATM machine. Several machines. Then he makes a $500.00 payment towards his dads card. Never received last months bill. It looks like another $2000.00 missisng from last month. Of course mastercard will have to do an investigation. I confronted him guess what he didnt do it. My spouses credit card is suspended the card was already wracked up do to this idiot. I havent told my spouse yet I will later today. All H..lllll is going to break out considering he wanted to charge him a year ago and I said no. I know he has done this just have to wait for the proof to come back before I go to the police. Last week I charged him for the first time. Now this charge credit card fraud I know they will arrest him and hold him for bail.
I am going to get a restraining order against my home and my work place.
Please tell me Im doing the right thing? I am at my wits end. I have had enough of days where my stomach is in knots wondering now what has he done?
I truly believe I have been standing in the way of his recovering for the last five years. Not only that our company is barely holding its own it has been extremely stressful. I am going to cut him off our home our workplace, no more help from us as long as he is actively using. The only thing I dont know and this sounds crazy is should I accept phone calls from him? I love my son, but I can not stand the drug personality he justifies everything. Any advice would be welcome. Thanks again!!!
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Old 04-08-2008, 06:18 AM
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Katie44:

So, have you bottomed out yet? Your son steals from you and your husband repetitively which is so huge, and you wonder if you should call your son on the phone?

Please get your priorities in a row here. Because you did not press charges when your husband wanted to, you have essentially bought drugs for your son for the past year. And because you have bought drugs for your son for the past year, you have put your son in a very dangerous place. Think of yourself as the "soft" drug dealer.....

If you have bottomed out, get to Alanon/Naranon meetings. If you haven't bottomed out and still think you've got some tricks up your sleeve to convince your son to quit, i've got no advice for you.

Soj
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Old 04-08-2008, 06:34 AM
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(((Katie)))

You are definitely doing the right thing.

He's taking your love for granted, and he will keep doing what he's doing until he's stopped. If he gets locked up (and he probably will), please don't bond him out. He needs to feel the full consequences of his actions.

He will probably alternate between promising you the world (if you'll drop charges) and blaming you for everything.

It's all on him, and I hope you can put your focus back on you.

I think the restraining order is a good idea. I know this has to be very painful for you, but I promise you, that letting him fall flat on his face and figure how to get back up is the best thing you can do for an addict...at least, it was for me.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 04-08-2008, 06:54 AM
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:sorry

I had to do the same w/ my AD. I truly believe you are doing the right thing. Nothing changes if nothing changes!!!
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Old 04-08-2008, 07:03 AM
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Getting a restraining order and pressing charges is the right thing to do...

Doing those things may be a knee-jerk reaction out of an extreme adrenaline surge - but your recovery from this is more long-lasting. Your being concerned about whether to receive phone calls from him is a sign of "caving" - and your son knows you well enough to know that he just has to bide his time and mom will "cave."

My advice is to have no contact with him but instead use that time to read on addiction and the behaviors that go with it, go to meetings, and get on board with your husband. Your husband deserves for you to take the focus off your son and show him your support.

But all that requires an inner strength that you may have within you but have not been able to demonstrate for a while, at least when it comes to your son. And that is why i ask if you have bottomed out on your son's problem. If not then you and your husband better fasten your seatbelts because the ride is about to start up again.
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Old 04-08-2008, 07:22 AM
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You're most definately doing the right thing but darn, it's going to be a hard thing.

Good for you!!! You've found alot of inner strength here.
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Old 04-08-2008, 09:56 AM
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Your absolutly doing the right thing dont doubt yourself. Your AS will take you for everything you got as your finding out right now. Get the restraining order and press charges and let him sit in jail. Might bring him closer to his bottom, give him some time to think about what hes done and why hes sitting in a cell. Jail can be a real eye opener for some people, they can see their futures if they stay on the path they are on.

As for phone calls I wouldnt take any calls from him. It will only give him more opportunities to LIE and MANIPULATE you some more. I know it will be one of the hardest things you have ever done but it will help you and help him to cut contact with him. Dont open the door for the pity party from him
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Old 04-08-2008, 10:28 AM
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(((Katie))))
I imagine that mail was like a kick in the gut.
You do what YOU need to do to find peace.
You are not a soft drug dealer (sorry sojourner, but thats a little rough)
Last year you just weren't ready to take the step of pressing charges, this year you've come to the realization you have to to save yourself, and perhaps him from himself.

Our actions don't make them use any more than they make them quit...although staying in denial can make things a lot more comfortable for the addict.

I can't yet cut off communication with my son, even though my most peaceful days are when I am not in conversation with him. Maybe take this one step at a time and decide if and when he calls whether you need to talk to him. You can always change your mind.

Wishing you peace and clarity
(((Hugs)))
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Old 04-08-2008, 10:31 AM
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Would you ignore this if a stranger were victimizing you? Would you take calls from a stranger who did this to you? Would you bail out a stranger? Your son is a stranger to you right now.

Thoughts and prayers for all of you.

Last edited by Chino; 04-08-2008 at 10:34 AM. Reason: additional thought
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Old 04-08-2008, 10:45 AM
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It's harder when it's your child. Believe me, I understand. It took me a while of going to meetings, reading, understanding the insidiousness of the disease before I was ready AND willing AND able to quit enabling my son. I had to be told many times that I could love him right into his grave if I kept getting in the way of his consequences. I needed to get out of the way so that he and his HP could work things out.

Big hugs from mom to mom.

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Old 04-08-2008, 11:08 AM
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Originally Posted by sojourner View Post
Please get your priorities in a row here. Because you did not press charges when your husband wanted to, you have essentially bought drugs for your son for the past year. And because you have bought drugs for your son for the past year, you have put your son in a very dangerous place. Think of yourself as the "soft" drug dealer.....

I'm sorry but I disagree. Since when is a drug addicts place the victims fault?

If parents had "The Power" to put their addict in a 'Dangerous Place' then they would have The Power to put them in a safe, caring, healthy place.
But we all know that almost never is possible.


Katie you are not a soft dealer and you did not put your son in a dangerous place. He did that to himself. You are the victim of a crime, and you deserve to treat yourself as such without feeling guilty about it.

I think you are doing the right thing. I would hope my Mom wouldn't let me get away with something like that. I know she wouldn't, so I would never do it, but If I did I would hope she would let me deal with the consequences.

I remember when I was in Jr. High, I started stealing, I think it was a cry for help with other stuff going on, but I never got caught.
"Not" getting caught made me bold, and my friends and I did a little more each time.
I didn't get caught for so long, so I felt invisible and in my head, it almost seemed like I was doing nothing wrong.

Till I got caught, then I got knocked back down to reality and I realized how dumb I was being. If I would not have gotten caught, I would have kept doing it, and kept getting more Bold and Worse until I did.

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Old 04-08-2008, 06:49 PM
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Katie,
I couldn't agree more with Done. You are NOT a soft dealer. Everything you did for your son, you did because at the time were doing the best thing you knew how to do.

Sojourner..........IMO that was a bit harsh. I don't think Katie deserved to be made to feel worse than she already does. Some opinions are best kept to yourself.

Your son puts his SELF in a dangerous place, as all of our kids did. We didn't put them there.

Hugs and prayers Katie.............Lo
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Old 04-08-2008, 07:38 PM
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Originally Posted by sojourner View Post
Katie44:

So, have you bottomed out yet? Your son steals from you and your husband repetitively which is so huge, and you wonder if you should call your son on the phone?

Please get your priorities in a row here. Because you did not press charges when your husband wanted to, you have essentially bought drugs for your son for the past year. And because you have bought drugs for your son for the past year, you have put your son in a very dangerous place. Think of yourself as the "soft" drug dealer.....

If you have bottomed out, get to Alanon/Naranon meetings. If you haven't bottomed out and still think you've got some tricks up your sleeve to convince your son to quit, i've got no advice for you.

Soj
Our intentions are so often in conflict with the outcome. I respond well to "hit me between the eyes" feedback, like this. It makes me uncomfortable. It takes away my delusions. I appreciate it.
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Old 04-08-2008, 07:49 PM
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Katie, Sending some hugs because I know that it is so hard to cut off contact with the children that we love. You just have to remember that right now your son has one aim in life and that is to feed his addiction. He is not thinking about how he is hurting you or whether or not what he is doing is right or wrong. He is not thinking about whether or not he loves you or how he is destroying you with the things he is doing. He wants only one thing and that is more of his DOC. You are absolutely doing the thing that is right for you now. It is not forever and you can always change your mind should things change in the future with your son. But for right now you need to protect yourself and give yourself a break from his madness. As far as taking his calls, if all he wants to do is lay blame on you for what he did, what is the use of talking to him. Can you set some boundaries on what you will and will not talk about with him so that you can avoid anymore stress? If you can't, then do you want to be hurt by the possibility of him becoming abusive with you. Just some things to think about. I will keep you and your husband and son in my prayers. Hugs, Marle
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Old 04-08-2008, 08:36 PM
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Katie
i am so sorry for all that you are going through....
no matter what my son did during his active days, I always saw my child hidden somewhere inside...i think that's how you feel when you contemplate his phone call....

you are doing the right thing by following through with consequences.....his actions were serious and serious consequences are appropriate (and just may save him)

as far as speaking to him....do what is in your heart.....I know if it were me I'd speak to him if only to say "I love you son but can no longer accept the things you are doing"

hugs and prayers from one mom to another
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Old 04-08-2008, 09:43 PM
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(((((((((Katie))))))))))

I'm late comin' in. I'm so sorry your going through this.
I've gone through the same thing myself.
I almost lost my husband because I couldn't get myself to detach enough from my son and his drug addiction. Finally, after he robbed our house, I
hit my own rock bottom. Yes, I did press charges. Yes, he did go to jail.
Yes, I still went to visit him 2-3 times a week and sometimes, even put money on his books for snacks and such.
But I did send him to jail and it wasn't because of my husband. Like I said,
I had to reach my own point of NO MORE!
I've done things for my son during his active addiction that no mother should be doing for her kid. When our child is "hurting" we want to fix/save them from themselves. Learning to Let Go helps so much with that.
One way or another, though, the drug addiction (his) and the codependent tendencies (mine), had to run a certain course till we were both done.
Granted, jail did stop him in his tracks, but after he was released in 6 months, he was back on a new course with alcohol. That took about 8 months to run the course. All the while I was detaching with love, had him leave my home, attended meetings for myself, and slowly began my own recovery from him. We're both in a good place now. We take things one day at a time and we've stayed close through it all. I have forgiven the thefts, lies, and manipulations. But I will never forget them. He knows that too. lol Has he made amends? Somewhat.
We've never been paid back for the things he stole, but I will say that material things, in my book, mean very little if my son is not clean and sober anyway. Now that he is and the stuff is still gone, I don't miss them.
If he were gone, it would kill me. I'm so happy to have my son back.
He wasn't himself for a very long time. (5 years)
We're both very different people now. For the better, Thank God.
I pray that for you and your son, as well.
As far as contact....
That is something that you have to decide for you.
There was alot of bitterness and anger from both myself and my husband toward my son for a while. Some days I just had no contact at all. Couldn't deal with the bs. Now that I'm stronger, we talk regularly and when I hear idiocy creeping into his voice. Just the least little bit. lol I run in the other direction. He's okay with that and so am I. lol
Maybe you should deal with the pain and anger first with no contact.
If he's picked and charged, maybe talking with him through a sheet of glass on a phone will eventually be do-able. Your all in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs,
Linda
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Old 04-08-2008, 10:09 PM
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I think you did the right thing. The addict in him will not understand and will probably dislike you for a long time. The real person he is, deep down, will understand when his day comes that he faces himself and is ready to join the human race again.

Hang in there.
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Old 04-09-2008, 06:40 AM
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Thankyou for all you replies and support. Soj your posting was somewhat harsh " I am not somewhat of a soft drug dealer" " He stole the money and he purchased the drugs himself.
While I appreciate your posting and there is much honesty in some of the things you say from your point of view " What you are saying is if I had charged him a year ago he would have no access to our funds therefore would not have purchased drugs with my money, so that makes me part of his purchashing of drugs. Yes I have stood in the way of what may be recovery for him.I should have let him fall a long time ago. From what the police and drug counsellor have told me charging him will not make him better it only protects us, now he will have to find other avenues for money. Wich I sure he has because he has a $300.00 a day habit with no job. There isnt a parent on this board that at one point did not think they could help there addict. Having a drug addict son does not come with a list of rules of do's and dont's for most of us it is a learning process. It has taken both my spouse and I a long time to realize he is sick there is nothing we can do it is totally out of our control. If we continue to help him we are only making it easier for him. I do get that he has to get to the bottom before he gets to the top. I also realize that he may never get better. I did not put my son in a dangerous place he did. Asking if I should accept phone calls is not a sign of caving in. Why I asked that is I know many parents from the naranon group have allowed there son or daughter to call once a month or whatever, reason being is to make sure they are still alive. The calls were not for the addict, it was for themselves. I am already at the point I know I have to detach from him. I spoke to him last nite I told him not to come to our home, or our workplace or charges would be laid. We told him no money, absolutely no help with anything. He was on his own. Of course there were big crocodile tears all part of the manipulation tactic. I can not live my life around his addiction anylonger.
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Old 04-09-2008, 07:12 AM
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just letting you know i understand & think what u are doing is right. it is hard i know it being your son. sending prayers up for you,your husband & your son.
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Old 04-09-2008, 09:00 AM
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Katie,

I think that keeping in touch with a phone call now and then is a good thing if you are comfortable with that. For myself, I always maintained some contact with my daughter even in the worst of times. For me, I had to know that she was still among the living. The phone calls were more for me than her. She has been in recovery now for quite some time. Although she just recently relapsed with alcohol. She does go to private therapy once a week and is faithful about taking her bi polar meds and sees a pdoc.
She has a job and always goes to work. She is trying to get enough money to move out of my house. One thing that she told me several times was that she is so thankful that I never completely turned my back on her. She claims that would have made her worse if she would have lost me. I quit enabling her but I didn't vanish completely out of her life. I myself couldn't live with that. Do what feels right for you.

My best.............Lo
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