Introduction

Old 04-05-2008, 08:05 PM
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Unhappy Introduction

Hello all,

I just wanted to introduce myself and join the group. I'm sure my story is similar to many here. But, it might be different in the early years. Substance abuse was not a part of my world until I was in my 40's. No family history, pretty normal life until I got divorced from my first husband and fell in love with a wonderful man. Two years into our marriage an ugly truth was revealed. He was addicted to crack cocaine. Around the time that this came to light, my then 17 year old son was in jail on drug charges.

The agony that followed is what you all know, so I won't go into details. After trying everything I knew, I left my husband and moved to be closer to my children. It was the hardest time of my life. NarAnon was a huge help to me as I went through these times.

Today, my life has taken some interesting turns. i am now an addictions counselor. Seems I am pretty good at helping everyone except the ones I love. Irony is great, don't ya think?

My son is in prison due to actions taken during active addiction. My now ex is still chasing the high, the last I heard. I still miss and love them both.

No matter how much I learn about this disease and detachment (which I have mastered in the physical sense) the pain creeps up on me at the most unexpected times. Yes, I can remove myself and move on with my life to a certain extent, but in some areas I'm stuck and may always be.

I'm here to share what I have learned if anyone needs it, and to gain support to deal with the pain that goes on.

Thanks for listening/reading. I look forward to hearing from fellow travelers on this path.

40 Thieves
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Old 04-05-2008, 08:15 PM
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Originally Posted by 40Thieves View Post
Hello all,

and to gain support to deal with the pain that goes on.

Thanks for listening/reading. I look forward to hearing from fellow travelers on this path.

40 Thieves
Are you wondering when the pain stops?

The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.


The Pain Stops: When you are ready.


It's posted here as a sticky, search for the original thread. Welcome
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Old 04-05-2008, 08:27 PM
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Welcome, 40thieves.

sailorjohn, Latte shared that with me a while ago, I have it saved on my PC. I absolutely love it.
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Old 04-05-2008, 08:28 PM
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" No matter how much I learn about detachment the pain creeps up. Yes, I can move on with my life to a certain extent, but in some areas I'm stuck ."

Welcome. I understand what you speak of, especially as it relates to our grown children.
For me as a mother, it is impossible to completely detach. My only child is an addict.

Having a fellowship and friends in the same situation is incredibly beneficial. I hope you stick around for all that is offered here and all that you have to share with us.
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Old 04-05-2008, 08:29 PM
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Welcome 40thieves! This is a great place!
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Old 04-06-2008, 04:56 AM
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Wanted to add my welcome. My addict is my 21 year old daughter. Hope you stick around and share as it sounds like you have a lot of ESH. Hugs, Marle
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Old 04-06-2008, 06:59 AM
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(((((((40Thieves))))))))


and welcome
to the group. A mom here to a 26 yo addict son. Clean for now and being
medicated for bi-polar and depression.
You've come to a great community for support, feedback, and shared experiences. I'm glad your here, but real sorry for the reasons.
You, your son, and your ex are in my prayers.
Keep comin' back.
Hugs,
Linda
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Old 04-06-2008, 10:30 AM
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I don't think detachment means being pain free. It's empathy and compassion vs. anger and fear.
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Old 04-07-2008, 04:40 PM
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Hello again,

Thanks for the warm welcome, everyone. Sailorjohn, I've seen that before and they are wise words. In my experience, I think I move in and out of some of them. For example, one day I can feel great peace in letting my son live his own life and follow his path, then another day I get lost in the misery he has chosen. I guess that's par for the course.

And I can attest to the fact that it is hard with a spouse, but oh, so much harder with your child.

Wise words, Chino. I'll be sticking around to read more wisdom, to pray for you all, and I'll try to throw in some of my own ES&H when I can.

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Old 04-07-2008, 04:58 PM
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Welcome 40thieves!!!
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Old 04-07-2008, 06:27 PM
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(((40thieves)))
Welcome to Sober recovery, glad you found us. Hopefully I'll be absorbing some of your ESH!
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Old 04-08-2008, 05:59 AM
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Welcome, another mom.

Seems I am pretty good at helping everyone except the ones I love. Irony is great, don't ya think?

I have said those words 100 times. Keep coming back, we all appreciate any help we can get!
susan
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