Impurrfect

This has nothing to do with addiction, but a whole lot to do with being a codie.

Stepmom (MAJOR codie) just came to my room, frantic, says "your dad is sick, he can't breathe, come here!" I walk out...he IS breathing, but can't take a deep breath...he can carry on a conversation.

What is worrying me is that he is continuously burping. He had colon cancer 25 years ago, had part of his colon removed and radiation. After that, he got "blocked up", and burping was one of the symptoms. He has not bothered to have any followups, says he "can't afford it".

I haven't been to sleep yet, after working all night, and am working again tonight. His doctor is about 10 minutes down the road and I told stepmom to get dressed and take him. She is in hysteria, getting on both mine and my dad's nerves. I finally told her to calm down, take a deep breath, and to remember, that if I thought my dad was in serious condition, I would have already put him in my car and on the way to the doctor, or called 911.

They are going to call me when they find out what's going on.

My problem is now, I feel guilty that I didn't go. What irritates me is that stepmom does NOT deal with any kind of crisis, even if it's not a crisis...she always puts it on me, lets me handle it, then sits around wringing her hands and chain smoking.

My dad is perfectly capable of giving the doctor information, and it is his personal doctor.

I just wonder if I'm being selfish?

As usual, when I don't know whether what I'm doing is wrong or right....I turn to you all. Thanks!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Easeful

For the good or the bad of it the mantra I use now is "doing something for someone that they cannot do for themselves is love, doing something for someone that they can and should do for themselves is enabling. Good thoughts being sent that your Dad is going to be just fine. And so are you!!

BayAreaPhoenix

At what point do we stop and say no? I don't know. Is it that big of a deal that you gave your step-mom directions? Of course she technically should be able to do these things herself, but some people do not and cannot think straight under stress, real or imagined, and forcing them to learn ... I don't know, that almost seems enabling to me too, deciding what their strengths and weaknesses SHOULD be not accepting them for what they ARE.

What do I know? - I have so far to go myself, but I definitely would stop with the guilt! Sounds like she might be one of those people that once there is a plan of action given to her she is capable of following thru, and as you said your Dad is perfectly able to speak for himself too.

This is the other thing that crossed my mind, but have no idea if it plays into your dynamics, but she is your step-mom right? You are staying there right now, and I know others who are step-parents, some of them - even after years and years - feel like if the kids are around of the respective parent, they have a say. Does that make sense? Not all of them feel that way, but some do.

Well, anyway- doesn't sound like you're sliding down the slipper slope of taking care of them with everything - That would be a bigger flag!

Get some rest! (((hugs)))

WLDKATZ

You Are So Doing The Right Thing Amy Stick With It!

Impurrfect

codeinewife - you're right about the stepmom thing...she is actually very respectful of the relationship between dad and I, and I appreciate that. She's also very respectful of anything that was my mom's and won't let dad throw anything away without making sure I don't want it first.

My stepmom was married to an abusive alcholic, until he died of cancer. She constantly puts herself down, is chronically depressed, and is not content unless she is worrying. On the other hand, she has been there for me whenever I need her, is VERY supportive, and I love her dearly.

I'm feeling okay about my decision...if it's anything serious, I'll be right by their side....another one of those blessings of recovery.

Easeful - reminding me of what enabling is, helped me a lot. I guess even when we KNOW something, it gets lost in emotions.

Pamm - thanks for calling....you're always there when I need ya!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

marle

What difference would it have made if you had gone. Like you said, your dad is a big boy and can take charge of his own health care. You would have just been sitting in a waiting room waiting. You can do that at home. No harm done and you are a lot more comfortable You did okay, now stop worrying. Hugs, Marle

WLDKATZ

ANY time sis!:praying
and you did right now go to sleep I will talk to you later tonight but your no good to anyone if you make yourself sick!!


I love you and spitz is feeding or trying too!


Pamm

Ann

Relax, take a deep breath and say 100 times "They are grown-ups, they can handle this".

Like you, I easily transfer the emotions of those around me to myself, whether it be anger, panic, depression or just having a blue day. I make myself stop by throwing an invisible wall around me and then removing myself from the situation.

You did just fine, as a matter of fact, I'd say your recovery is shining. You didn't own her panic, you assessed the situation and decided this was his responsibility and something he could and should do for himself.

Take a walk, it's a lovely spring day and buy yourself an ice-cream to eat on the way. That's way more fun than listening to Chicken Little.

Hugs

Impurrfect

Thanks everyone!

I'm feeling a bit better. I think since I have always been the one to jump in and take care of any situation, when I don't (codie recovery) it's uncomfortable. I'm getting pretty darn good at detaching from stepmom and dad when it comes to their problems, or his work/money problems, etc., but this brought on fear, and I'm not so good at handling that yet. They can both get on my very last nerve, but the thought of something being seriously wrong scares the crap out of me.

Ann, it's pouring down rain and I've now been up for about 18 hours, have to be up for work again in 7, so am going to get some sleep.

I prayed that he be okay, but if not, that I be able to handle whatever comes up. Was all curled up with Tinker (the chihuahua) in the crook of my legs, Elvis purring by my chest and was ALMOST asleep, when I heard pretty-kitty running around in the attic.

Now, all cats and the dog are present and accounted for, and we are going to try to get some sleep.

Don't know if I'll EVER get past second-guessing myself in certain circumstances, but it sure is nice to know I can come here for support!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

grateful2b

Amy, agree with all thats been said..you did the right thing, natural to feel the way your feeling as it is hard when you are right there and its your parents!!....good for you for holding those boundaries. keep taking care of you.. grateful

Impurrfect

Okay, well they're home and he says the doctor said nothing...vital signs were okay, gave him a prescription for an inhaler, and dad says that stepmom says "those things are about $100". Reminded him that HE has better insurance than HER (his covers meds) and that he needs to get a GI followup for the burping because that's what he started with when he got "blocked up"....says he doesn't remember that.

So, he's okay, I've given my "professional opinon" and I'm going to leave it up to him to do what he needs to!

Off to sleep

grateful2b

thanks for the update , Amy, I'm glad your father is okay....and you can get a good night's sleep

Lobo

Amy,
Sorry I came in so late on this. You are always so sweet and there for me when I need someone. I'm glad everything turned out okay. You did do the right thing. They were able to take care of things and you were not needed at the ER. I know you would have sped down there if they needed you, and they know that too.

I hope you and your animal friends got a much needed rest.

Luv..........Lo

Impurrfect

Now that everything's back to normal, I'm ready to kick myself...thinking "I got all worked up about what???".

Darn, this codie recovery stuff is hard!!!

Now dad is worried about bills. I thought, the other day, I could just write him a check for $500, because I actually HAVE it! But I quickly realized that I would need it back, and don't know when/if he could pay it back. Also realized that if someone would have handed ME money when I was struggling so hard, I wouldn't have learned the lessons I needed to learn. I hate that he's struggling (people owe HIM money for jobs, because people owe THEM...self employed), but I was pretty darn proud of myself that I didn't jump in and prevent him from the great feeling that comes when you handle a problem on your own! That was definitely an "ah HA" moment

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

greeteachday

((((Amy)))))

You're doing great sweeite and I am glad you are learning to step back and let your dad and step mom take care of what is their's.

I too always jumped in with offers...never even waited to be asked. I'm learning that most times what *I* think is the "right" thing to do isn't always what anyone else is thinking or what they need. I've learned to step back and not to jump in with offers of help that may not even be desired. If i am asked, then I can think about it and decide whether my actions would be enabling or helping someone when he or she can't do it. Coming to this realization has actually helped my relationships. No one likes being beholden or feeling like she can't take care of herself. My stepping back (and that includes zipping my mouth when my advice or opinion isn't sought) allows growth...for me and for the loved one. Hugs

BayAreaPhoenix

I love those Aha moments! Makes me feel like I'm growing up! Good for you!

rahsue

Amy,Amy,Amy... You acted perfectly. You're allowed to worry about your father but you're not allowed to worry if you're acting in a selfish or codie way!!!!! lol It's all good. go get some rest. Life is good.
:ghug3

caileesnana

Glad your dad is ok Amy.
Love,
susan

peaceteach

Amy,
I guess we have to put ourselves into that "anxious" mode as many times as it takes to realize that it doesn't make anything better anyway. Finding myself doing the "worry" thing and catching myself at that moment to STOP it is very difficult. I should be able to recognize it as the start of a major codie attack and interrupt the process, but still I forget that "oh yeah, I've done this before and it's pointless and only harms me" thought. But now I can look back and smile at myself when it's over and say "PT-you goofball, why did you just let that happen?" How ridiculous that our falling off the codie wagon only hurts us.

You seemed to have caught yourself in time and stopped the sinking. How did you do that?

I also thought, in several threads I followed this weekend (like yours and Lexusgirl's last night), how really awesome it was that several people spent the sad or anxiety hours here, receiving support, sometimes minute-to-minute. Then, by the end of those threads, the person in pain had come through it and survived with calm restored once again. That was so cool.

I'm glad that your dad is working his way through this tough time, and that he has a very loving daughter who prays for him. I would love to know that my children pray for me. That would fill any parent with love, Amy. I think you did great.

hope213

you are not required to do anything for anybody that they can do for themself. if you do it then they will always depend on you. do not feel guilty. hugs,