imallright

Why is it when things are relatively calm, I start to think maybe I am not being fair? I don't want things to be chaotic, but when it's calm I start thinking that maybe it's not so bad and that maybe he is really going to change.

I start thinking that if he gets better that maybe being with him will be ok. Lord only knows what being alone will be like. I mean, I know that that I can take care of me and that I know what I can or will do for me or to me... and those are all positive things, but what if he does get better? I think I must be losing my mind. I have wanted and still want out, but I am wavering again. Mostly because I feel bad for him. Even though his addiction has put me through hell and now our separating is costing me dearly... both emotionally and financially. Why am I weak????

Impurrfect

I went through that with one of my XABF's (unfortunately, I've had 3). When things were going good, I figured I had overreacted. For me, though, the good was always followed by more bad. I finally got tired of it and left.

I know most A's, though, will be on their best behavior when they realize you have had enough...for a while anyway. It's when we start taking care of ourselves, that most of them pull all the tricks out of the hat to keep us there with them.

Even if he were to "get better" I would want to see some recovery ACTION for at least a year before I thought about getting involved again....but that's just me.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

WLDKATZ

Same with my Big sister up there^^^^( morning sissy) my ex was AWESOME when he wasn't high and drinking a truly remarkable man at points but during his lows it was a different story..the emotional physical and mental strain was too much on EVERYONE involved, my family his family ever our neighbors!!!!!

It has been 3 years since I broke up with him and even now knowing he is claimed to be clean and even to a point keeps proving he is he refuses to take care of other aspects wont go to counseling or do anything to make him in a more stable recovery program and so tired of the I did it for you talks!!!!!

Good Luck and God Bless, me I'd just walk away



Pamm

imallright

Thank you both. The one thing that struck he this morning, is the reminder that the ACTION and accountability are missing. He says he is fine, says he isn't using, is on his best behavior....although those uglies still pop out now and again, but he refuses to get help, because "he doesn't need it." He doesn't have a problem, "this is just him and his personality and I don't like him". Bet you guys didn't know that using weed for 30 years doesn't impact your brain or body. And, it doesn't change how you think or how you respond to people. HA! If that is true, why do you use?????

Thank you both, I can't begin to tell you how much the support I find here means to me. Hugs to both of you.

Impurrfect

(((Imallright)))

I am a recovering addict, as well as a recovering codie. I can only tell you that when I was ready to get clean, my actions spoke way louder than my words. I was ready to do whatever it took to get clean and stay that way. I had managed a good amount of clean time before, but was white-knuckling it....it didn't work and I relapsed.

This time, I am in recovery and it's a whole different things. I don't go to meetings, but I surround myself with supportive people, spend a LOT of time on SR, and I no longer hang out with people who are still using. I go to work, I pay my bills, I spend time with my family....the little things that I had stopped doing when I was using.

Sometimes, even when they get clean, we find out they aren't the person we thought they were. Some of the things we blamed on drugs, are actually just the way they are. I think putting some distance between you two will help you to realize that you DO deserve to be treated with respect and love, and it will let you see him from a distance. I know I overlooked things when he was with me...from a distance I was able to see a lot more clearly.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

BayAreaPhoenix

ImAllRight! Our AH's are definitely brothers! Mine too is not effected by chemicals of any kind! He is the exception to all rules! physically and emotionally he is just fine! He could stop anytime, and did (not many people can do that, did I know that? - I was sooooo impressed!). Nope, doesn't need any help, he's just fine!

Besides the fact that he's still spending money on the DOC, and besides the fact that I get a new and different person every time I see or talk to him - of course, it's all just peachy! And that quitting thing? Oh yes, impressive!

I went through all that, and still did up until recently, but my family especially was great about reminding me how and why I got where I was. They didn't rag on him, they each had different ways of doing it, but bottom line, they kept me focused on the fact that there just wasn't enough good times to support going on any longer, and how unhappy and alone I had been for years.

I don't think we should dwell, and I don't think we should become bitter or anything, but there is something to be said for "keeping your eye on the ball" to get you through what you need to for now. I am so ready to let it all go and start living my life, but for now - I have to stay focused. Fortunately, this week I crossed a few lines in my own strength (good lines) and now I'm angry. Not the screeching I'm going to lose my mind angry, just the calm, focused, clear type that will get me through the end of this I hope.

It's so natural to feel as you do at times! Just keep focused on what you want and need to have a happy and sane life!

:ghug3

MsPINKAcres

Like so many A's - my AH is a really wonderful person when clean & sober - a good husband, great father & great grandfather - BUT when using - it's an entirely different story.

So to help me remember what I was dealing with I started a journal - not of all his bad traits when he was using - but of all MY feelings, actions and pain that I experienced during the relapse times - How I was affected during those periods of such unhealthiness in our home.

That is how I started looking at the situation - I am powerless over the relapses, the isms, the disease - but I can look at me - how it affects me and ask the God of my understanding what we can do to help me live a life that is Happy, Joyous & Free.

Just what is helping me make wiser, more recovery oriented decisions in my life.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

imallright

Thanks one more time to my AH's twin's wife! I am ready too. Just sometimes lose focus, mostly when he is not around me and I start to wonder if I could do it. The real truth is do I WANT to stay with him. I keep missing that. It's not about being ABLE to or coping, it's about what I want.

I know I want to go places, do things and not feel guilty or like I am doing it with someone who I don't want to be with. I am trying to convince myself to go spend a few days with my family and I am afraid to leave the kids here. I am not afraid physically, am just thinking that maybe it's not good for them, but then I think about the fact that they will spend time with him by themselves soon... and really already do. Not to mention that they are running in every which direction anyways. I guess part of it is that he will try to look like the hero again, "poor AH, she runs off for a vacation with her parents and once again I have to stay here and take care of the kids... or sit on my butt, or whatever." Why don't I just book that ticket???? Why am I stuck on feeling guilty about taking care of me??

imallright

The journaling a is a great idea. I had kept a journal a few years ago. I used it as a way to cope and get the anger and resentment out. Awhile back, I picked it up and read it what I had written then and realized that I felt the same way now. 4 - 5 years and I was in no different place with my feelings. Eye opening. Maybe journaling at this point will help me cope. Thanks!

BayAreaPhoenix

Ah yes, the guilt, when we didn't do anything. Talked about that with the therapist yesterday. I know I "let" it happen, I "let" him make me feel guilty, but that's not to say that wasn't what he was trying to do. I would feel guilty for going to the grocery at a different time of day! Like changing the pattern was a sign I was "up to something"! Well, looky what I found out? Who was up to something? I was up to buying milk and toilet paper, he was up to spend $ on ???? something I had NO idea about.

Keep working on getting past that guilt. It serves no purpose. There's being conscientious in a responsible way, and then there's pointless guilt! I can't give you the magic formula for letting this go, because it still comes up through my chest when he says things in that insinuating tone, but it passes through now - quite quickly, and I can recognize it for what it is - it doesn't park and linger, and too bad for him, because that means I'm not trying to prove or make-up for something (whatever bizarre thing it was) and bending over backwards to do something for him or make sure he's feeling OK and LOVED (poor baby to be insecure!)!

((((hugs))))

ZombieWife

I think many of us go through this. I know I do.

You are not alone.

lostnow

This is one of my biggest problems. He's gone doing what he said he would for once in our marriage and I think well maybe I should call and tell him to just come home. Things could be better together.

I miss him terribly I don't want a divorce haven't even called a lawyer yet even though he's putting us deeper and deeper in debit.
I have found for me posting here gets things off my chest and I don't make rash or hasty decisions, I post then think, read think some more and do what I know in my gut is right.
The other night I felt so horrible I was so close to calling him, I knew in my gut I shouldn't but it was so strong, that felling like I was letting my kids down, so I posted here, read ,thought and didn't do it.

I also have to keep going back to the bad times I wright it all down then throw it away. I have to keep doing that for me though other wise I would just let it go and have him come back. Right now I'm not strong enough to forgive him and still not be with him.

itisatruth

Wish I could give you words of wisdom but I can't because I do the exact same thing. I 'look' at myself and I know that I am smart and strong in so many ways. So why the heck am I still letting him do this to my life??? Hopefully, very soon, it will be like codeinewife wife says......the feeling of guilt passing through us quickly.l I like the sound of that!