New to this...God do I need help!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 3
New to this...God do I need help!
Hi everyone. I am glad I stumbled upon this site. Well I was referred by ironically enough a "wedding website". So I am engaged, and planning a wedding with my fiance. We are scheduled to be married May 23, 2009. The venue is booked, dress ordered, caterer in place etc...
I thought that getting married would solve our problems. Make him change and realize what he is doing.
He is an addict. He is addicted to cocaine, and alcohol. I say alcohol because that is his trigger. So he does coke probably 3-4 times a week. Sometimes he stays out, sometimes he doesn't. He is moody, mean, hurtful and deceitful. I don't know if he cheats on me. I have my assumptions, but I am still not sure.
There is no communication what so ever. When I do try to talk to him he gets defensive, angry, won't talk, and leaves. He just left now.
I'm lost, so unsure of what I should do. A part of me wants to run so far away and never turn back. But the other part of me wants to stay because I don't want to miss out on him getting better.
I know I am all over the place. But I have so many thoughts going on in my head and i am lost.
Someone help me sort this out.:praying
I thought that getting married would solve our problems. Make him change and realize what he is doing.
He is an addict. He is addicted to cocaine, and alcohol. I say alcohol because that is his trigger. So he does coke probably 3-4 times a week. Sometimes he stays out, sometimes he doesn't. He is moody, mean, hurtful and deceitful. I don't know if he cheats on me. I have my assumptions, but I am still not sure.
There is no communication what so ever. When I do try to talk to him he gets defensive, angry, won't talk, and leaves. He just left now.
I'm lost, so unsure of what I should do. A part of me wants to run so far away and never turn back. But the other part of me wants to stay because I don't want to miss out on him getting better.
I know I am all over the place. But I have so many thoughts going on in my head and i am lost.
Someone help me sort this out.:praying
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
honey, he may never get better. you need to run for the hills. i am the mom of an addict son. i love him as much as any mom does her child but he has put me thru h*ll. he started drinking at age 17 at 23 he was serving his 1st term in prison & has been in & out since.this has been all due to drugs.he is now 38 & is no better.please, you deserve so much better. think about what you want out of life.my sons wife was murdered due to drugs,not by my son but my her b.f. while he was in prison. read around.stay with us.there is alot of help for you. we care.prayers,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
Welcome.
I read your post and there is a rush of so many things I want to say. I've been married to my husband for 13 years!!! And he hid his addictions from me, so I didn't know what the root of our problems were... but a little voice inside me told me very early on that I should run far away and oh, if I could go back in time... but now we have 2 children together so our lives will always be intertwined.
The best thing I ever did was start attending al-anon meetings a year and a half ago. It taught me that I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't change it. It also made me see my role in this unhealthy dynamic, and it showed me ways to take my eyes and attention (obsession!!) off of him and how to put it on myself to figure out how to get myself healthy and to not be controlling or manipulative. I think I was just so scared of being alone to end it early on, and now I am on the cusp of being alone, as an unemployed stay-at-home-mom of 2 young kids. But I know everything will be ok because anything is better than the current limbo/hell I'm living in with an active addict.
I guess what I'm saying is... get yourself to an al-anon meeting. Focus on getting your head straightened out; find out what it is that makes YOU have a need to be in this dysfunctional relationship. Because until you get to the root of your own attraction to this type of relationship, even if you end it with your fiance' there is a good chance you'll be repeating this habit over and over and over again.
Good luck to you.
I read your post and there is a rush of so many things I want to say. I've been married to my husband for 13 years!!! And he hid his addictions from me, so I didn't know what the root of our problems were... but a little voice inside me told me very early on that I should run far away and oh, if I could go back in time... but now we have 2 children together so our lives will always be intertwined.
The best thing I ever did was start attending al-anon meetings a year and a half ago. It taught me that I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't change it. It also made me see my role in this unhealthy dynamic, and it showed me ways to take my eyes and attention (obsession!!) off of him and how to put it on myself to figure out how to get myself healthy and to not be controlling or manipulative. I think I was just so scared of being alone to end it early on, and now I am on the cusp of being alone, as an unemployed stay-at-home-mom of 2 young kids. But I know everything will be ok because anything is better than the current limbo/hell I'm living in with an active addict.
I guess what I'm saying is... get yourself to an al-anon meeting. Focus on getting your head straightened out; find out what it is that makes YOU have a need to be in this dysfunctional relationship. Because until you get to the root of your own attraction to this type of relationship, even if you end it with your fiance' there is a good chance you'll be repeating this habit over and over and over again.
Good luck to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 3
alnon meetings
Thank you MZserenity. I tried an alanon meeting as recommended by my therapist. I went to one meeting and I was confused as to how all of this was going to work and help me. I remember listening to everyone speak. Is that all they do at the meetings is speak. I am unclear? Please let me know how they work in detail so I can know what I should be doing and how I can use the meetings to my benefit. Also...if I do leave, do you recommend that I continue to attend the meetings? Thanks for your help in advance.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
ECB - keep going to the meetings - it takes more than a few- and they recommend you go to 6 before you decide if it's for you - to sort of "get it". Sometimes the shares are what you need, sometimes it's just information for later The other thing to do is try different meetings to see where you feel the most comfortable.
Dresses, invitations, etc. All those are actually fixable at this point, even tho they seem huge. They are, but not as huge as untangling yourself from something bigger down the line with house, kids, co-mingled debt, etc. You don't have to decide right now, but maybe think about giving yourself a little more time - postpone? I'm with the others so far, I say run for the hills, but that's just my opinion. At the very least, think about giving yourself some time.
I'm trying to divorce my A now, we have no kids, and talk about insanity. I cannot imagine with kids, etc. I knew I shouldn't have accepted the proposal (and how he proposed is shameful), and I almost said no at the altar and all the way up to the lake before the wedding I knew I shouldn't be doing this. That's my story anyway.
Keep reading - have you read the stickies? Go to the other forums and read there too.
Welcome and keep working on you - it really is the best thing to do, and continuing the meetings will help you stay clear of another relationnship that won't be good for you for whatever reason! they help with life lessons in those meetings!
Dresses, invitations, etc. All those are actually fixable at this point, even tho they seem huge. They are, but not as huge as untangling yourself from something bigger down the line with house, kids, co-mingled debt, etc. You don't have to decide right now, but maybe think about giving yourself a little more time - postpone? I'm with the others so far, I say run for the hills, but that's just my opinion. At the very least, think about giving yourself some time.
I'm trying to divorce my A now, we have no kids, and talk about insanity. I cannot imagine with kids, etc. I knew I shouldn't have accepted the proposal (and how he proposed is shameful), and I almost said no at the altar and all the way up to the lake before the wedding I knew I shouldn't be doing this. That's my story anyway.
Keep reading - have you read the stickies? Go to the other forums and read there too.
Welcome and keep working on you - it really is the best thing to do, and continuing the meetings will help you stay clear of another relationnship that won't be good for you for whatever reason! they help with life lessons in those meetings!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
ecb, when you went to the al-anon meeting did you stay to speak with anyone afterwards? Did they give you a phone list of people to call, or a list of meeting times? The first thing I would do is look for a meeting with a "b" next to it; this denotes a beginner's meeting. After this meeting you'll find people who are willing to talk to you about how meetings are run in that location. You also might have an opportunity to exchange phone numbers with someone and talk to them in more detail about your situation.
I have only been to meetings close to where I live, so I don't really know the ins and outs of how every meeting is run. There are always different people leading and sometimes people go around in a circle and read from a book or pamphlet and then have the choice to speak if they wish or pass on speaking. Sometimes everyone is given a chance to speak and sometimes not, it depends on how long the meeting is and how many people are there. Occasionally you might have a guest speaker to talk about their experiences in detail for part of the meeting.
I am planning to divorce my husband and I still plan on attending meetings, because something IN ME was drawn to this chaotic situation. Al-anon can help me focus on finding peace and serenity in myself, regardless of what is happening with people around me. It can also help me not repeat patterns of being in unhealthy relationships. Al-anon has helped me find sanity in an absolutely insane situation, so I know it is right for me. I'd say keep going for a while - 2 months at least - and see if it can help you.
Good luck to you.
I have only been to meetings close to where I live, so I don't really know the ins and outs of how every meeting is run. There are always different people leading and sometimes people go around in a circle and read from a book or pamphlet and then have the choice to speak if they wish or pass on speaking. Sometimes everyone is given a chance to speak and sometimes not, it depends on how long the meeting is and how many people are there. Occasionally you might have a guest speaker to talk about their experiences in detail for part of the meeting.
I am planning to divorce my husband and I still plan on attending meetings, because something IN ME was drawn to this chaotic situation. Al-anon can help me focus on finding peace and serenity in myself, regardless of what is happening with people around me. It can also help me not repeat patterns of being in unhealthy relationships. Al-anon has helped me find sanity in an absolutely insane situation, so I know it is right for me. I'd say keep going for a while - 2 months at least - and see if it can help you.
Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
You have come to the right place. My husband was an addict before we got married and he still continues to use. We both thought it would be better once we were married, but we were wrong. As you now know, it is not easy to be in a relationship like this. I know what you mean when you say you don't want to miss out on him getting better. When my husband is sober things are great, but when he is using my whole world turns upside down. Can he get better? Maybe he will, maybe he won't. I hope and pray that he does, but what if he doesn't? I agree with everyone else that you should attend meetings. It's good to talk to people that know what you are going through and they may offer advice on how to cope with his addiction. Whatever you decide to do, I hope things work out for. I will be praying for you both.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I have to agree that you need to move on, but the choice is ultimately yours to make. I have two friends who are married, I'll call them Liz and Ron. Liz and Ron like their alcohol. They drank a lot when they were in their early 20's. Thing is, they're almost 40 and he still drinks like he was 21 years old. He comes home from work at 4 and is usually passed out by 6pm. He goes to bed and if Liz goes in the bedroom to get anything, to go to bed, to use the restroom, he will wake up and proceed to wail on her.
She's had black eyes, bruised cheeks, cut lips, black and blue on various parts of her body.
He will wake up and say, "how did you get those?" She'll tell him and he'll say, "yeah, I don't remember that" then shrug and go to work.
She's living in a nightmare. But she refuses to leave.
Here's how the conversation went last time:
Liz: He gave me a black eye the other night.
Me: Why didn't you call the police?"
Liz: Last time I did, they left, then he beat the s**t out of me.
Me: Well, did you press charges when they showed up?
Liz: No, I couldn't.
Me: Ok. Then next time he does it, call the police and then press charges. Or, take pictures and start an archive. Pack a bag. Put money aside. Get your things ready (and the things of her kids) so that if you have to leave, you leave.
Me: I can't do that.
We went around and around for an hour. It was always some excuse. "I can't leave him. I can't take the kids with me! What will they do?"
Her father and 5 sisters have offered her places to stay, to help her financially, to give her and her children a safe home. She'll get all ready to go, then at the last minute, she'll back out. "I can't leave him. He might get better."
She called me on the phone the other day. "We want a baby so bad." They want to bring another child into this mess. They have three beautiful children already who are growing up with the following understanding:
It's ok for men to hit women.
It's ok for men to drink.
A woman must stay with a man who abuses her no matter what.
She's their "role model." Her son asked me the other day, "what does alcohol do to a body?" And yet, they want a baby. It's not just about her anymore, her kids are slowly dying with her--or at least a part of them are.
It's been 17 years. He's not getting better. His sister has to wear a pee-bag because her liver is so messed up. His mom and dad won't believe their little boy would ever be that way. They're now buying a house for them because they can't bear the thought of him and their grandchildren in a 2 bedroom apartment. It's just another excuse for her not to leave. "But, the house is coming. Things will be better then." They can't afford more than 800$ a month because they spend over 200$ a week on beer and liquor.
She had a job for a while, a part time job, but while he was watching the kids (ages 4 - 10) he would pass out and her son would call crying. "Dad won't wake up." She had to leave too many times to go home to take care of them. Once, he was drunk, got in the car and took them to Wendy's and was pulled over by the police. He wasn't ticketed. The cop didn't know he was drunk. He had a broken headlight. Did I mention he was on his 2nd DUI and on probation?
It's something new every day. I can't leave because of ______.
She's a broken person now. I've never seen someone this broken in all my life. She's just waiting to die--a husk of her former self. He showed signs of substance abuse before they married. Now, it's only worse and it will only GET worse.
Please consider this story. My biggest fear is that he'll kill her. I'm seriously afraid of that, but what can you do? You can't call the police because she won't press charges. He never hurts the kids (not yet, but it's not far away at this point.)
He does coke now and then just to "wake up" from the liquor--and always he is violent, aggressive, demanding, mean, etc.
I'm not saying this is you or will be you, but if you're having a hard time changing your mind now, imagine yourself in 10 years.
There is nothing wrong with canceling your wedding. There is nothing wrong with sending out "never mind" cards when people have already RSVP'd. You don't have to give reasons. Just that "it didn't work out."
He has a problem. It won't magically go away by itself. All you can do is keep yourself safe. Please don't get into the same situation my friend is in. I don't even know who she is anymore. She was feisty, fun, strong and beautiful. The last time I saw her, she told me: "let me show you the dress I'm going to be wearing for my sister's wedding." She went to get it. An hour later, "Let me show you the dress I'm going to be wearing...."
She did this 4 times. She's losing her memory, her mental facilities, her heart and soul. She is a walking, empty shell of a person.
She has friends getting in her face, saying "PLEASE LEAVE HIM."
She can't.
She won't.
There's always an excuse. Always.
Sorry for rambling. This just hits very close to home. I'm going to lose my friend. I see me at her funeral. I'm not happy about this.
She's had black eyes, bruised cheeks, cut lips, black and blue on various parts of her body.
He will wake up and say, "how did you get those?" She'll tell him and he'll say, "yeah, I don't remember that" then shrug and go to work.
She's living in a nightmare. But she refuses to leave.
Here's how the conversation went last time:
Liz: He gave me a black eye the other night.
Me: Why didn't you call the police?"
Liz: Last time I did, they left, then he beat the s**t out of me.
Me: Well, did you press charges when they showed up?
Liz: No, I couldn't.
Me: Ok. Then next time he does it, call the police and then press charges. Or, take pictures and start an archive. Pack a bag. Put money aside. Get your things ready (and the things of her kids) so that if you have to leave, you leave.
Me: I can't do that.
We went around and around for an hour. It was always some excuse. "I can't leave him. I can't take the kids with me! What will they do?"
Her father and 5 sisters have offered her places to stay, to help her financially, to give her and her children a safe home. She'll get all ready to go, then at the last minute, she'll back out. "I can't leave him. He might get better."
She called me on the phone the other day. "We want a baby so bad." They want to bring another child into this mess. They have three beautiful children already who are growing up with the following understanding:
It's ok for men to hit women.
It's ok for men to drink.
A woman must stay with a man who abuses her no matter what.
She's their "role model." Her son asked me the other day, "what does alcohol do to a body?" And yet, they want a baby. It's not just about her anymore, her kids are slowly dying with her--or at least a part of them are.
It's been 17 years. He's not getting better. His sister has to wear a pee-bag because her liver is so messed up. His mom and dad won't believe their little boy would ever be that way. They're now buying a house for them because they can't bear the thought of him and their grandchildren in a 2 bedroom apartment. It's just another excuse for her not to leave. "But, the house is coming. Things will be better then." They can't afford more than 800$ a month because they spend over 200$ a week on beer and liquor.
She had a job for a while, a part time job, but while he was watching the kids (ages 4 - 10) he would pass out and her son would call crying. "Dad won't wake up." She had to leave too many times to go home to take care of them. Once, he was drunk, got in the car and took them to Wendy's and was pulled over by the police. He wasn't ticketed. The cop didn't know he was drunk. He had a broken headlight. Did I mention he was on his 2nd DUI and on probation?
It's something new every day. I can't leave because of ______.
She's a broken person now. I've never seen someone this broken in all my life. She's just waiting to die--a husk of her former self. He showed signs of substance abuse before they married. Now, it's only worse and it will only GET worse.
Please consider this story. My biggest fear is that he'll kill her. I'm seriously afraid of that, but what can you do? You can't call the police because she won't press charges. He never hurts the kids (not yet, but it's not far away at this point.)
He does coke now and then just to "wake up" from the liquor--and always he is violent, aggressive, demanding, mean, etc.
I'm not saying this is you or will be you, but if you're having a hard time changing your mind now, imagine yourself in 10 years.
There is nothing wrong with canceling your wedding. There is nothing wrong with sending out "never mind" cards when people have already RSVP'd. You don't have to give reasons. Just that "it didn't work out."
He has a problem. It won't magically go away by itself. All you can do is keep yourself safe. Please don't get into the same situation my friend is in. I don't even know who she is anymore. She was feisty, fun, strong and beautiful. The last time I saw her, she told me: "let me show you the dress I'm going to be wearing for my sister's wedding." She went to get it. An hour later, "Let me show you the dress I'm going to be wearing...."
She did this 4 times. She's losing her memory, her mental facilities, her heart and soul. She is a walking, empty shell of a person.
She has friends getting in her face, saying "PLEASE LEAVE HIM."
She can't.
She won't.
There's always an excuse. Always.
Sorry for rambling. This just hits very close to home. I'm going to lose my friend. I see me at her funeral. I'm not happy about this.
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
What a confusing time for you...your mind must be fighting with your heart. I was there...I know...and I got married.
My exhusband was a drinker in the beginning. I didn't even know he was doing cocaine at the time during our engagement. We had all of the plans set...invitations went out already...we were set to get married in a few months and he gets into this road rage incident. He has alcohol on his breath. I show up at the scene and at one point I actually used myself as a barrier between him and a police officer. [Should've saw the signs then...] But no....I supported him and go to court to see that he gets out...I'm sore at him for a while but back to business as usual. He was starting his downward spiral and I didn't even know it because I didn't understand it. I was clueless to the real ramifications of addiction. He was becoming a pretty shi*y fiance but I ran with the thought that things will be better when we are "happily" married and he's "living with me"...(first sign of my control issues). If I knew then what I know now...I would've backed out of the marriage no matter the cost. After we married he slowly graduated to crack smoking. Those were fun times (sarcasm). Yes...they do graduate to other drugs. It was he** on earth for 3 1/2 years until I kicked him out and divorced him. I tried everything and anything to help him recover until I realized I can't do it for him...he needs to be willing. And if he's not willing I wasn't going to get anywhere no matter what I did. The only thing I could finally do was save myself.
I'm not telling you to do either or...that is of course your decision to make. I'm not saying that he will do what my ex did...I am just sharing my story. Please think before you leap.
My exhusband was a drinker in the beginning. I didn't even know he was doing cocaine at the time during our engagement. We had all of the plans set...invitations went out already...we were set to get married in a few months and he gets into this road rage incident. He has alcohol on his breath. I show up at the scene and at one point I actually used myself as a barrier between him and a police officer. [Should've saw the signs then...] But no....I supported him and go to court to see that he gets out...I'm sore at him for a while but back to business as usual. He was starting his downward spiral and I didn't even know it because I didn't understand it. I was clueless to the real ramifications of addiction. He was becoming a pretty shi*y fiance but I ran with the thought that things will be better when we are "happily" married and he's "living with me"...(first sign of my control issues). If I knew then what I know now...I would've backed out of the marriage no matter the cost. After we married he slowly graduated to crack smoking. Those were fun times (sarcasm). Yes...they do graduate to other drugs. It was he** on earth for 3 1/2 years until I kicked him out and divorced him. I tried everything and anything to help him recover until I realized I can't do it for him...he needs to be willing. And if he's not willing I wasn't going to get anywhere no matter what I did. The only thing I could finally do was save myself.
I'm not telling you to do either or...that is of course your decision to make. I'm not saying that he will do what my ex did...I am just sharing my story. Please think before you leap.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I thought that getting married would solve our problems. Make him change and realize what he is doing.
Not a good idea. Not at all. He is who he is. Accept and marry that man exactly the way he is now or don't get married. His bad habits will only annoy you more when you realize that you are now married to them for the rest of your life.
I speak from experience. I know you don't know me from adam so I apologize but I just wanted to warn you because I married someone thinking that we could fix our problems after we got married. Boy was I wrong and I wish someone would have told me before I got married that it was a bad bad idea.
Save yourself. Don't get married just because the invitations are in the mail and you have the dress and you think that someday he MIGHT get help for his drug/alcohol problems. I did. Deep inside I knew that it was wrong but I did it anyway. Please don't do what I did. Wait until AFTER he gets better to marry him! Postpone the wedding until you are sure!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
sorry - i'm gonna vote for the RUN FOR THE HILLS option...
The wedding is 13 months away and there is probably time enough to cancel and get any/all deposits back and more importantly, save yourself.
There are only 3 possible outcomes to addiction:
Institutionalization and/or
Insanity and/or
Death
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
ecb2376,
Hiya sweetie, I'm glad you found us.
I have a son who is 34 years old, and he is an addict. He has had many giflfriends over the years, all thinking they can "change" him, make him sober, help him, etc. He is a fantastic manipulator. (makes a mother proud, donchaknow)
But seriously, you need to educate yourself on the odds of him ever finding sobriety, and the life you will be living if you marry him.
No one here can tell you what direction to take, but you seem unsure, and questioning yourself regarding the marriage thing.
There's no shame in cancelling and giving yourself time. He most likely won't want you to postpone, because he can see a soft spot to land in your devotion to him.
All I can say, is think.
Hugs,
Hiya sweetie, I'm glad you found us.
I have a son who is 34 years old, and he is an addict. He has had many giflfriends over the years, all thinking they can "change" him, make him sober, help him, etc. He is a fantastic manipulator. (makes a mother proud, donchaknow)
But seriously, you need to educate yourself on the odds of him ever finding sobriety, and the life you will be living if you marry him.
No one here can tell you what direction to take, but you seem unsure, and questioning yourself regarding the marriage thing.
There's no shame in cancelling and giving yourself time. He most likely won't want you to postpone, because he can see a soft spot to land in your devotion to him.
All I can say, is think.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Until he is ready to get help for himself, I would delay this wedding. The disease only progresses. Ask your self can you really see staying in a relationship like this for the next 10 years if he continues using? Do you not deserve better? You say you don't want to miss out on him being clean when will that be? No matter what we say or do it is far beyond our control. It is there battle. You need to be good to yourself. keep coming back to this site. There are wonderful people that truly understand what you are going through. It sounds as if you truly love this man, just remember nothing will change until he is ready for change.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: canada
Posts: 38
RUN!!! I'm so sorry. Looking back to my wedding day I was flooded with doubts because of his addictions. I did think things were going to get better and even questioned if they were all taht hrrible to begin with. AHHHH! If I knew then what I know now!! I would have never have married him EVER! Hello-Kitty said it perfect as well. I really wish someone had shook me silly for wanting to get married, but no one knew-it was our dirty secret.
ECB-postpone and do some serious soul searching and imagine your life in 5yrs, yes the addiction will be worse by then, his actions less tolerable, his morals more questionable!
Sorry, but keep reading here and make your decision an educated one!
ECB-postpone and do some serious soul searching and imagine your life in 5yrs, yes the addiction will be worse by then, his actions less tolerable, his morals more questionable!
Sorry, but keep reading here and make your decision an educated one!
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