I can do this

Old 04-06-2008, 02:06 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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...when he was here I was bad about saying stuff about him in front of the kids or being sarcastic.
Gosh I fell so horrible about that now never expected him to leave I guess. Never thought it would be so bad.


hey Lostnow- just caught up with this thread again- and wanted to send you some reassurance!

it's nearly impossible to react rationally when someone who is causing so much pain continues to behave in ways that make you cuckoo. Make a plan- have a friend who loves a good bit*h session that you can call and say all bad things you want/need to say about your ex -- or have a journal where you can write stuff down (and if you have a fireplace I've always found that ritually burning these notes is very cleansing!!!!)

secondly- you wanna blow your kids minds and also teach them a lesson for life- try HONESTY! call a "family meeting" (my kids were like whaaaat??? but when they saw cookies at the table they were into it!!) and confess that you feel bad about the crap you were spewing about their dad. That you were angry but went too far in taking it to the level of personal attacks, and so you just want to apologize to them for speaking about their father in that way! They'll be open-mouthed, and open minded!

We cannot be perfect or react perfectly every time - and the stress of single parenting can be overwhelming at times. But if we own up to our shortcomings and honestly apologize (no justifying!!) - and do our best to make amends and change ourselves for the better then....that's a huge lesson for them and it is the RIGHT thing to do!

Don't beat yourself up. The past is gone. You are free in this moment!
Remember there are many single parents soldiering on just like you!

Kids need to know that - regardless of what is happening now - they were the product of LOVE.

We can't be perfect but we can be good enough!!
Good Luck -
Peace,
B.
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Old 04-06-2008, 07:22 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Bernadette View Post
...when he was here I was bad about saying stuff about him in front of the kids or being sarcastic.
Gosh I fell so horrible about that now never expected him to leave I guess. Never thought it would be so bad.


hey Lostnow- just caught up with this thread again- and wanted to send you some reassurance!

it's nearly impossible to react rationally when someone who is causing so much pain continues to behave in ways that make you cuckoo. Make a plan- have a friend who loves a good bit*h session that you can call and say all bad things you want/need to say about your ex -- or have a journal where you can write stuff down (and if you have a fireplace I've always found that ritually burning these notes is very cleansing!!!!)

secondly- you wanna blow your kids minds and also teach them a lesson for life- try HONESTY! call a "family meeting" (my kids were like whaaaat??? but when they saw cookies at the table they were into it!!) and confess that you feel bad about the crap you were spewing about their dad. That you were angry but went too far in taking it to the level of personal attacks, and so you just want to apologize to them for speaking about their father in that way! They'll be open-mouthed, and open minded!

We cannot be perfect or react perfectly every time - and the stress of single parenting can be overwhelming at times. But if we own up to our shortcomings and honestly apologize (no justifying!!) - and do our best to make amends and change ourselves for the better then....that's a huge lesson for them and it is the RIGHT thing to do!

Don't beat yourself up. The past is gone. You are free in this moment!
Remember there are many single parents soldiering on just like you!

Kids need to know that - regardless of what is happening now - they were the product of LOVE.

We can't be perfect but we can be good enough!!
Good Luck -
Peace,
B.
Thank you I burn letters I write to my husband, it does wonders for me .
I have a bit%h fest with my sis almost every day she's so far away haven't seen her in years but we talk daily.

What I haven't done is really sit down and talk about whats going on and really apologizing with out justifying. I need to do that , I haven't spoken bad about my AH since he's been gone. I haven't really said much at all. I just don't know where to begin or what to say about it all.

When he left for rehab we both sat down and talked to them about what was been going on and how he was going away to get the help he needs.
We apologized for the arguments and such they saw. We reassured them it was not there fault and had nothing to do with them.
Then he was kicked out and took off
Now I'm not sure what to say about it. I think I need to start by being honest about what I did do and not say anything about what he's doing now. I think it should be about me and my kids not him but what do I say when the ask about him and what he's doing ?
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Old 04-06-2008, 07:27 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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If they ask, just reassure them that although you don't know why dad is doing what he is doing, YOU are not going anywhere and they can always depend on you to care for and love them. They just need to feel safe for now, and moms can do that for them all by themselves. They are kids, and need to enjoy life like kids do, and just feel normal and that it's okay. Don't beat yourself up. You are doing great. I think it's extremely powerful to start thinking of yourselves as "me and my kids". Let them see you powerful.
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Old 04-06-2008, 07:36 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by tracee1010 View Post
My son is 5 y/o and its been me and him since day one. His father maybe sees him once a month, but over the years has gones many months even a year once, with any contact. I do not allow him to be high or use around us... sooooo he is not around.

I went back to school and became a LDAC and have taught my son since about age 3 about "yucky drugs". about a year ago.. i finally told him that is why Daddy isnt around very much, because he is sick but he wont go to the doctor to get better. My sons life has always consisted of me and my family so he dosent miss much at this point.

However, my son has a brother, a year older who is being raised by thier father and that boys mother. the house hold is absolute choas.. this 6 year old has the mouth of a sailor, and has already been in the principals office for stealing and fighting in Kindergarten!!!! he says his mom and dad fight all the time... So I get to see first hand what I saved my son from by NOT being with him... I think it will be very apparent watching the boys grow up apart and in different lifestyles.

Even on rare occasion when we go over to grandmas' house and everyone is there, my son ususlly askes to leave within an hour or so.. He is visibally disturbed by the choas of what they call "daily life"

It is hard,, but I would do it over in a minute.. He may not have the perfect father metor but he has another very valuable lesson,, what not to be as a father.

Remember, it is very important what you tell your children but it is CRUTIAL in what they see............................................... .................................................. ...

Sending you strength and hugs
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I'm trying to save my kids from that chaos. The last few months were pure hell and I did not want my kids to see what they saw.
For me it's hard because it was not always bad there were very good years.
He was a very good father at one point and my oldest had a wonderful life at my youngest child's age with his dad. That hurts me that my youngest does not knew his dad like that.

The last few years were not so great but there is 15 years between us. It's hard not to look back on the years and think maybe these last few were my fault.
So I write and burn it every little bad moment between us so I don't let it go it adds up and I've come to realize it's not my fault.
There were of course bad moments though out our relationships just more good then bad way back when. Then I think the signs were all there I should have ran along time ago this was bound to happen. Sorry for rambling.
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