Ex in hospital
 

This forum has always helped me in the past so I am hoping it will help me now. My ex was supposed to be in recovery, not sure if he was/ is. The last few days have been horrible. He is paraoid, won't leave me alone, crazy, literally. I had 2 hours sleep last night which doesn't help me at all today to deal with this. I, along with other friends , thought he might actually commit suicide last night. No one knew where he was so it was all through the phones. He then showed up at my (our) house at 3:00am with a letter saying he was going to admitt himself to the hospital and get the help he needs. I think he has been experiencing drug induced phycosis (sp). He hasn't slept for probobly 4 days. Anyway this is my delima, he just called from the hospital (crying) to ask me to come see him after work. I want to be there as a friend but that has not been working out so well the last few days, when I am friendly to him he seems to think all is OK with us again. I tell him over and over that I only want to be friends but in his state he can't grasp it. So do I go to the hospital? will it only confuse matters for him? Is in Ok to want to help him, or should I let him do this alone? I am very confused, I am done with him but still care about his well being. any ideas? I feel like he really needs me, or is that just being codie??

My best interest ....I feel would be to walk away. But how do I deal with the guilt of walking away from someone trying to get help...
His best interest...focusing on himself and his issues.
Hmmm...thanks anvil, I really need someone to help my thinking for today.

be gentle with yourself. This is not your fault. Your guilt would have you believe that it is.

Maybe this is the perfect time to walk away. Maybe this will let him see that you 2 are over and his problems are now his responsibility and not yours to clean up or help fix. He will be ok and you will be ok the guilt will go away the more you focus on you and what your needs are. He will be just fine I think continuing to talk to him and see him makes him think that you 2 might get back together, maybe in the past you have broken up and got back together and he thinks its like that this time too. The only way to show him is to stop all contact and let him stand on his own 2 feet.

Be a friend????????????

His disease is KILLING you.

Be a friend to YOU!

Sometimes walking away is the only way to help the addict realize that they need to stop looking to others to solve their problem and start solving the problem themselves.

It's a very loving thing to do.

It's like how my 2 year old wants me to get him dressed every morning. He screams at me "I can't do it momma. Help me! Help me!" I walk out of the room and he screams and screams. Then, eventually, he stops screaming and he does it himself.

Try to hold fast to the truth and the truth is

It is HIS responsibility to get the help he needs ..

Please do not allow yourself to be emotionally held hostage because he thinks everything is okay. He is not okay and until he gets okay he will expect for you to make him all better ... If he is only getting help because the drugs wore him down and he called you and interpreted the wrong message from your general care and concern .. that is NOT on you.

Personally I would not go see him simply because I wouldn't want to feed mixed signals. If he called I would be polite and refresh the good decision he has made to go to the hospital .. encourage his decision and let him know that HIS life will be much better for it.

If he tries to push the "US" envelope ... I would blow it off with "that isn't what you need to be thinking about .. your focus needs to be on yourself and getting better"

If he tries to verbally corner you I'd discourage thoughts of being together, dismiss talking about it and redirect the conversation to HIM and HIS RECOVERY... and if he persist it is best to be honest and let him know that though it is too late for the two of you, it not to late for him to get the help he needs.

I had to do this with my ex and I know how difficult it is to hurt someone at what appears to be one of the most fragile points of their life, but better to be upfront at the gate then devastate him later.

Remember He needs to be where he is and he needs to be there for himself because if he is there just for a relationship with you ... then you can pretty much bank on the fact that he will be back out there using as soon as he feels foggy and decides to jump out of the hospital bed and hit the street.

This is his mess and only he can clean it up ... Stand on the side lines and cheer him on, but don't get caught up in the game.

I can tell you if he make his recovery contingent upon you he will .. us addicts are great at "MANIPULATION" .. and we don't have a second thought about taking emotional hostages, holding them until we bargained for what we want and get it .. and usually we end up right back on the dope scene shortly afterwards (we came, we saw, we conquered) we like to get our way and once we get our emotional climax .. its back to the grind.

Be true to yourself and know that if he seriously is done with using nothing will stop him from getting clean ... He will do it for him and him alone REGARDLESS.

********{Hugs}}}}}
Passion
Recovering addict/enabler/co-dependent

thank you all for your replies! I did go on wednesdaay to see him. i kept it short. I told him I came to show my support for his decision to go the the hospital, that i was glad that he chose the hospital over the alternative. I told him that all we( our friends and family) just want to see him get better. He said all he wants his one thing....I said I hope that it is to get better, then I left. I spoke to his tharapist on the way out, he wanted to know where my relationship stood so he could incorporate it into their sessions. I told him that I was not plannning on reconciling. so hopefully this will all help him to focus on himself and not us. I go to my first therapist appt. this afternoon, and am looking forward to it!!!! thanks to all of you ( my other tharapists, lol)

Oh the drama, He got a pass for a na meeting on Friday night, and didn't return to the hospital. He had gotten paid Friday (direct deposit). He was calling me over and over on Saturday, leaving messages, suicidal, doesn't understand why i wouldn't see him...then he pulls into the driveway with a cop behind him. Cop just wanted to tell him to slow down, as he was off duty he didn't issue a ticket or anything, long story short, cop leaves and asks me to drive exah to hospital...I go outside to ask exah if he wants me to call a friend to drive him (because i do not want to be alone with him) I look in the car and right there between the seats is a big ol crack pipe, I lost it! Told him to get the **** out of the driveway, leave me alone and if he keeps bothering me I will call the cops. Fast forward to the night, I send my children to friend houses for the night to be safe. Sure enough ex shows up, at 2:00am, trying to crawl into my daughters window so he can retrieve some of his clothes he still has here... I call the cops, he leaves, cops come, he didn't threaten me, it is his house too, not much i can do. Yesterday was quiet. I hear he is leaving town today...I sure hope so! I don't fear for myself, he has never been violent, but he is acting so crazy it is hard not to be a little afraid....Thanks for all your support, it feels good to just write it down to accept it and know it is real.

kj. Did you tell the cops he was smoking crack and is suffering from drug induced psychosis! Just call them everytime he shows up. Don't be discouraged. Whether or not your husband physically threatens you, call the cops if he shows up and tell them he is suffering from drug induced psychosis and you are scared. Crack makes people crazy. That is why he's acting like a lunatic. Eventually, he will stop coming over, but you must keep calling the cops. Good luck.

And it is good to be a little afraid of someone who is smoking crack and acting crazy. At the very least, you should be a little afraid of him. People who are high on crack can become dangerous without any notice. They can just flip out because their brains are all messed up and you don't know what they are thinking.

hello kitty, Yes I did tell both cops that he was a crack addict. the first one said "well he doesn't look high" I wanted to ask him if HE was on crack!!!
Thanks for the reality check anvil! It all seems so surreal sometimes...

Well, that ticks me off, but somehow I'm not surprised. That is their job - to keep the peace and protect us. Even though sometimes I wonder..... Just keep calling the cops (even if they are jerks). They have to respond to a call. Whether or not they arrest him is their problem but at least your ex will know that you are serious and maybe eventually he will get the hint.

kj - I have been there. Think about your safety and your children's safety first. Get to a safe quiet place, even if it is a hotel room somewhere. Get some good rest so you can think. Spend the money, either you spend it on a safe quiet place for you and your kids or he will spend it on drugs. If he comes looking for you at your home and you and your kids aren't there, he will also get the message that you're serious.

I got word yesterday afternoon that he left for another city 5 hours away...I am thankful for that, I can rest easy for a few days now! thanks for the responses.

That is good news!!!! I would still keep your guard up for a bit as you already know addicts are VERY unpredictable.