Oh my God Help me please! Pregnant and scared!!
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
Oh my God Help me please! Pregnant and scared!!
I may never get a reply but i can try, I am trying to maintain a relationship, pregnant with my fiancee' who is sneaking hydrocodone, vicodin and adderol behind my back. He goes into the bathroom and I have seen a rolled dollar and know that I may be naive about all this but, I need help. He seemed so perfect in the beginning and now slowly he went from one to the next to the next and now he is making contacts that are only for more pills. He even meets women at work to drop off things to him. I know he is lying constantly and I feel that I keep asking him and he tells me what I want to hear. He tells me I am the best he has ever had and can't live without me. I know this is codependent isn't it?
It sucks because I have a regular job and can meet my own bills but because of him now my credit is crap and he won't show me his paycheck. He tells me monthly that things will get better financially but they are getting worse and now I am paying the baby's dr bill on my own!! He asks me for money at the end of the month and guilts me into bringing him food. He only pays rent, where in the hell does he spend all of it?
I am frustrated and confused and have read websites for months scared to post because he might find this but I have no choice. With my baby on the way I am desperate...should i try and fix this or leave?
I spent 10 years wasted with a boring guy, but this new relationship has been romantic and fast paced and I truly believed he thought I was awesome...I have found that he has been very secretive with his email accounts, setting up universal accounts with his blackbooks that can be accessed online, I also have caught him calling exes and chatting at either work or when I am not around, that has ceased but only because I think he might have a new cell phone hidden, I am so scared, I am tired of snooping it is driving me insane...shouldn't I be buying buying baby clothes and beds why am I so broke when I work so hard...
Help me ...I am in tears and cannot deal with this anymore, I believe God only gives me what I can handle but I am at a heartbroken stop.
It sucks because I have a regular job and can meet my own bills but because of him now my credit is crap and he won't show me his paycheck. He tells me monthly that things will get better financially but they are getting worse and now I am paying the baby's dr bill on my own!! He asks me for money at the end of the month and guilts me into bringing him food. He only pays rent, where in the hell does he spend all of it?
I am frustrated and confused and have read websites for months scared to post because he might find this but I have no choice. With my baby on the way I am desperate...should i try and fix this or leave?
I spent 10 years wasted with a boring guy, but this new relationship has been romantic and fast paced and I truly believed he thought I was awesome...I have found that he has been very secretive with his email accounts, setting up universal accounts with his blackbooks that can be accessed online, I also have caught him calling exes and chatting at either work or when I am not around, that has ceased but only because I think he might have a new cell phone hidden, I am so scared, I am tired of snooping it is driving me insane...shouldn't I be buying buying baby clothes and beds why am I so broke when I work so hard...
Help me ...I am in tears and cannot deal with this anymore, I believe God only gives me what I can handle but I am at a heartbroken stop.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 64
You are just writing this to mess with me aren't you?
I have a 5-month old. Our stories are very similar. I paid ALL the doc, hospital, and insurance bills. He just went to jail for a week for a DUI he got while I was 39 wks preg.
I could give you advice, but I would feel like a hypocrite since I can't follow it myself. All I can say is read up on boundaries and try to set some and follow through with them. It is the only way you will stay sane. Basically, you have to decide what behavior is ok for YOU, then do what you need to do to take care of yourself. He will have to make his own choices, and NOTHING you do will MAKE him choose what YOU want.
You are not alone! We are here for you.
I have a 5-month old. Our stories are very similar. I paid ALL the doc, hospital, and insurance bills. He just went to jail for a week for a DUI he got while I was 39 wks preg.
I could give you advice, but I would feel like a hypocrite since I can't follow it myself. All I can say is read up on boundaries and try to set some and follow through with them. It is the only way you will stay sane. Basically, you have to decide what behavior is ok for YOU, then do what you need to do to take care of yourself. He will have to make his own choices, and NOTHING you do will MAKE him choose what YOU want.
You are not alone! We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi wereami. I'm sorry that your babies dad has so many issues right now and isn't there to support you mentally, emotionally and financially. I was in your shoes two and a half years ago. When I was pregnant, it was horrible to try to depend on someone who was completely unreliable and addicted to drugs, and know that I was bringing his child into that environment. I wanted to help his father, but I knew that it was more important to do whatever it took to ensure that my baby had a stable drug free environment when he was born. Deep inside I knew that I couldn't fix his father. I had to protect my baby. I made a choice. I had to stop trying to control his father. And start taking care of myself, for my childs sake.
Your baby's dad is going to do what he is going to (sounds like that means drugs) and you can't do a thing to change that. But what you can do is take care of yourself and give birth to a beautiful, healthy child.
If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't change a thing. My son is worth all the heartache I had to go through with my ex and I would go to the ends of the earth to protect him. His father can do whatever he likes but my son... now that's something I can influence.
Your baby's dad is going to do what he is going to (sounds like that means drugs) and you can't do a thing to change that. But what you can do is take care of yourself and give birth to a beautiful, healthy child.
If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't change a thing. My son is worth all the heartache I had to go through with my ex and I would go to the ends of the earth to protect him. His father can do whatever he likes but my son... now that's something I can influence.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: London
Posts: 130
I didn't get pregnant (he wanted me to) but had the same issues of working hard and still not being able to pay bills because of the money spent on alcohol. When he left I coped far better financially than I had before and it suprised me (goodness knows why in hindsight).
I really feel for you as you are probably feeling particularly vunerable at the moment but your priorities should be you and the baby.
I really feel for you as you are probably feeling particularly vunerable at the moment but your priorities should be you and the baby.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Romeoville, Illinois
Posts: 49
Hey I did that whole snooping thing for a while, it did drive me insane, and I realized I was starting to hate who I was becoming as a person. So I stopped, that was the first step in detaching and taking care of me. Believe me u cant control, or bargain with him, in my case it just resulted in more lies, and me becoming more unhappy. Bottom line u have to determine what u will or wont acept for yourself and your new baby. If you cant accept him doing drugs then tell him that, let him know how you feel and then decide for yourself if you can be strong enough to say "if u cant get help for yourself then perhaps its better if u lived elsewhere." You are going to need all your strength and attention to raise a baby, it cant be all put into wondering what he's doing or if he is lying or hiding from you. I did it, and my kids suffered from it, my sanity suffered from it, and my finances also suffered from it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by whereami 
I may never get a reply but i can try, I am trying to maintain a relationship, pregnant with my fiancee' who is sneaking hydrocodone, vicodin and adderol
I spent 10 years wasted with a boring guy, but this new relationship has been romantic and fast paced and I truly believed he thought I was awesome
I spent 10 years wasted with a boring guy, but this new relationship has been romantic and fast paced and I truly believed he thought I was awesome
Ahh, the heady pleasures of fast paced romance with someone that cleans out your bank account while f****ng other women. Beats that boring guy any day of the week!
Trust me, not being judgmental, and I'm lucky I'm not female, otherwise I might be in your position right now. All I really have to deal with is the wasted money/time, but it wasn't completely wasted, I learned some valuable things- about myself.
Keep coming back, you're going to meet a LOT of people here that have been is similar situations, you'll find out what they did to recover.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by whereami
I am frustrated and confused and have read websites for months scared to post because he might find this but I have no choice. With my baby on the way I am desperate...should i try and fix this or leave?
Help me ...I am in tears and cannot deal with this anymore, I believe God only gives me what I can handle but I am at a heartbroken stop.
Sweetie, you can't "fix" him, no matter how much you love him. If love could make an addict stop, not one of us would be here.
There's a sticky thread at the top of this forum called "What Addicts Do", written by the founder of SR who is a recovering addict himself. They are not doing it "to" us, they are just doing what addicts do and they won't stop until the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping.
You have to ask yourself if this is the way you want to live your life, is this the way you want to raise your child? Addiction is a progressive disease which gets worse over time, not better, and it can suck the life right out of those who choose to remain in a front row seat and watch.
You have a choice, no matter how trapped you feel. There are women's shelters who will help you get back on your feet again if you have no place else to go. It may not be what you dreamed of for your life, but it would be the first step to finding a better way to live and a safer environment in which to raise your child.
Only you can decide what is right for you, and we're walking with you no matter what you decide. But please know you DO have better choices if you want your life to be better. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Take care of yourself and your baby, that's more important than anything else.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
Originally Posted by whereami
I may never get a reply but i can try, I am trying to maintain a relationship, pregnant with my fiancee' who is sneaking hydrocodone, vicodin and adderol behind my back. He goes into the bathroom and I have seen a rolled dollar and know that I may be naive about all this but, I need help. He seemed so perfect in the beginning and now slowly he went from one to the next to the next and now he is making contacts that are only for more pills. He even meets women at work to drop off things to him. I know he is lying constantly and I feel that I keep asking him and he tells me what I want to hear. He tells me I am the best he has ever had and can't live without me. I know this is codependent isn't it?
It sucks because I have a regular job and can meet my own bills but because of him now my credit is crap and he won't show me his paycheck. He tells me monthly that things will get better financially but they are getting worse and now I am paying the baby's dr bill on my own!! He asks me for money at the end of the month and guilts me into bringing him food. He only pays rent, where in the hell does he spend all of it?
I am frustrated and confused and have read websites for months scared to post because he might find this but I have no choice. With my baby on the way I am desperate...should i try and fix this or leave?
I spent 10 years wasted with a boring guy, but this new relationship has been romantic and fast paced and I truly believed he thought I was awesome...I have found that he has been very secretive with his email accounts, setting up universal accounts with his blackbooks that can be accessed online, I also have caught him calling exes and chatting at either work or when I am not around, that has ceased but only because I think he might have a new cell phone hidden, I am so scared, I am tired of snooping it is driving me insane...shouldn't I be buying buying baby clothes and beds why am I so broke when I work so hard...
Help me ...I am in tears and cannot deal with this anymore, I believe God only gives me what I can handle but I am at a heartbroken stop.
It sucks because I have a regular job and can meet my own bills but because of him now my credit is crap and he won't show me his paycheck. He tells me monthly that things will get better financially but they are getting worse and now I am paying the baby's dr bill on my own!! He asks me for money at the end of the month and guilts me into bringing him food. He only pays rent, where in the hell does he spend all of it?
I am frustrated and confused and have read websites for months scared to post because he might find this but I have no choice. With my baby on the way I am desperate...should i try and fix this or leave?
I spent 10 years wasted with a boring guy, but this new relationship has been romantic and fast paced and I truly believed he thought I was awesome...I have found that he has been very secretive with his email accounts, setting up universal accounts with his blackbooks that can be accessed online, I also have caught him calling exes and chatting at either work or when I am not around, that has ceased but only because I think he might have a new cell phone hidden, I am so scared, I am tired of snooping it is driving me insane...shouldn't I be buying buying baby clothes and beds why am I so broke when I work so hard...
Help me ...I am in tears and cannot deal with this anymore, I believe God only gives me what I can handle but I am at a heartbroken stop.
didnt read anything else but baby from one woman to another RUN dont stop a baby is no reason in which to make yourself miserable!!!!! Besides it is better for both you and the baby to lose the stress in your life...... please dont waste another 10 years on another wrong man and this time take your child down the road with you..........it gets harder later!!!!
Good Luck God Bless and keep posting!!!!
(and congratulations)
Pamm
:codiepolice
:ghug3
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((((((whereami))))))))))
Your right here with us, that's where. I haven't been in your
situation for a very long time, sweetie. But I will tell you what I remember.
I was married with an 8 yo son and 3 yo daughter. My husband, now ex-husband, was an alcoholic, who also smoked pot. I spent 10 years trying
to change/fix him. I couldn't. I had no idea what codependency was.
I did know that I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and he was the first
man to set my heart on fire. I let'em. For a while. lol
When I made him leave, (which was every six weeks or so until I wised up)
I was filing for bankruptcy and buying a used p.o.s car because my was re-po'ed. Know what, though? I made it. By a thin, now gray, hair, I made it.
He would hardly give me child support. We were always going to court for that, but I worked and I paid my own rent, bills, and everything else.
You can make it, girl. I know if I can, you can.
There are so many options and support available to you. Why in the world would you want to continue living this way?
You and your baby deserve better. And until he shows some sign of wanting help to quit the drugs....I would stay clear of him.
Your heart will hurt. That's no lie. But let me tell ya, I met a man after being divorced for many years. He was a friend first. He was so different than the "guys" I'd been with. He didn't smoke anything. Ever! He rarely drank. He worked...all the time. He wanted nice things and made sure that I had nice things. Yeah, once in a while I'd think, "gosh. is this all there's gonna be?"
Now almost 14 years later.....wow! I've never laughed, loved, or been so loved in my life. I'll take boring over heart palpitations anytime. I hope with time you'll let yourself be loved the way you deserve.
Sorry this is long. I just wanted to say you've got friends here and you can get feedback and support no matter what you decide to do.
Hugs and prayers for you, your child, and your addict.
Linda
Your right here with us, that's where. I haven't been in your
situation for a very long time, sweetie. But I will tell you what I remember.
I was married with an 8 yo son and 3 yo daughter. My husband, now ex-husband, was an alcoholic, who also smoked pot. I spent 10 years trying
to change/fix him. I couldn't. I had no idea what codependency was.
I did know that I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and he was the first
man to set my heart on fire. I let'em. For a while. lol
When I made him leave, (which was every six weeks or so until I wised up)
I was filing for bankruptcy and buying a used p.o.s car because my was re-po'ed. Know what, though? I made it. By a thin, now gray, hair, I made it.
He would hardly give me child support. We were always going to court for that, but I worked and I paid my own rent, bills, and everything else.
You can make it, girl. I know if I can, you can.
There are so many options and support available to you. Why in the world would you want to continue living this way?
You and your baby deserve better. And until he shows some sign of wanting help to quit the drugs....I would stay clear of him.
Your heart will hurt. That's no lie. But let me tell ya, I met a man after being divorced for many years. He was a friend first. He was so different than the "guys" I'd been with. He didn't smoke anything. Ever! He rarely drank. He worked...all the time. He wanted nice things and made sure that I had nice things. Yeah, once in a while I'd think, "gosh. is this all there's gonna be?"
Now almost 14 years later.....wow! I've never laughed, loved, or been so loved in my life. I'll take boring over heart palpitations anytime. I hope with time you'll let yourself be loved the way you deserve.
Sorry this is long. I just wanted to say you've got friends here and you can get feedback and support no matter what you decide to do.
Hugs and prayers for you, your child, and your addict.
Linda
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
whereami
I am so sorry you are facing all of this, especially while pregnant. Please do your best to take care of you and your baby first.
I am also thankful that you are reaching out now. Now, you can really start learning about what you are dealing with (addiction) so that you can start to think about what you need to do for yourself. SR is a great place to see answers in others' experiences.
Take care.
itisatruth
I am so sorry you are facing all of this, especially while pregnant. Please do your best to take care of you and your baby first.
I am also thankful that you are reaching out now. Now, you can really start learning about what you are dealing with (addiction) so that you can start to think about what you need to do for yourself. SR is a great place to see answers in others' experiences.
Take care.
itisatruth
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. i am really sorry for what you are going thru. i am sorry to say it is only going to get worse until he admits he has a problem & does something about it. this is really sad but only you can decide what you want to do,stay or leave. i think you & your baby deserve so much better. please read around & keep coming back. we care & we r here for you. prayers,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Whereami...
Welcome. Reaching out to friends here is such a blessing. Please, Please take care of you and that baby. You can't fix your boyfriend's problems. They are his. But you can set boundaries and find ways to help yourself. The fact that you have been searching around the web and other places for help is such a great step. Actually posting here and reading the responses is FANTASTIC!!! I know that when I first came here, I had not idea how much this could help me and inspire me to keep moving! I felt lost, alone and desperate. I had been in my situation for a LONG time... but something finally changed in me... and alot of it was the help and support I have received here... and I started to move forward. It's frightening, and not always an easy road... but please do it for you! Life can be good. A new baby is a gift. I know the situation is rough, but love that baby and yourself and keep moving ahead. Hugs, and keep coming back
Welcome. Reaching out to friends here is such a blessing. Please, Please take care of you and that baby. You can't fix your boyfriend's problems. They are his. But you can set boundaries and find ways to help yourself. The fact that you have been searching around the web and other places for help is such a great step. Actually posting here and reading the responses is FANTASTIC!!! I know that when I first came here, I had not idea how much this could help me and inspire me to keep moving! I felt lost, alone and desperate. I had been in my situation for a LONG time... but something finally changed in me... and alot of it was the help and support I have received here... and I started to move forward. It's frightening, and not always an easy road... but please do it for you! Life can be good. A new baby is a gift. I know the situation is rough, but love that baby and yourself and keep moving ahead. Hugs, and keep coming back
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
wow thank you al soo much I don't think I could have asked prayed or created better advice...I know that I need to start looking out for me and baby...stop wishing tht things would change and live my life...I am nervous but I havea great family who loves me and will understand me coming home ...I love you all and please know how much it truly means that you took the time to reply...I have no friends in this new state we moved to and you guys really have been better than ay friend could be right now...thanks again soooo much from me and my litle peanutte on the way...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Cry
Whereami... you made me cry this morning! Honey, call your family and go and get there love and support. I too am very fortunate to have a family that loves me and supports me, but for years I was too ashamed to deal with my situation and let them know what was going on. I was too proud to admit that I was in a bad place and needed help. Since I have finally realized that I can't control this situation and that I need help, although there are still times when I feel very alone and sad, at least I now know that it's ok to lean on my family for support.
Go home, share the happiness of baby with those who love you and find peace. Hugs to you.
Go home, share the happiness of baby with those who love you and find peace. Hugs to you.
turning red!
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: hong kong
Posts: 254
(((whereami)))
Welcome to SR! If you thought you won't get any replies well i guess you've been proven wrong
isn't it great?? People here are so nice and supportive.
Congrat on your pregnancy. When are you due? I'm also pregnant and i'm also in love with an addict. I'm due in May. Go check my thread if you want to hear a bit my story.
Anyway, needless to say i totaly understand you and feel your frustration. Me too i'm wondering why i can't have a normal pregnancy, where i don't have to worry where money go, or don't have $ to pay for cute baby stuff and, worst, fearing everyday that my bf will die from overdose and that my daughter will never see her dad.
I also can't really give you advise because for me i've chosen my path and i've chosen to stick by him. I know it's a tough road to take but that's what i've decided -for now-
Now...i think everyone have a different experience so it's really up to you to make your decision but if you come to a point to lose sanity over this all then it might be time to consider the option to leave him.
For info, i was really about to kick my bf out few weeks ago because it got completely out of control and then - just when i couldn't handle it anymore- he got arrested and is now on probation and has been doing good since then and i finally can relax. Things happen in weird ways...
Eventually you'll find your answer too.
Take care
x
Carine
Welcome to SR! If you thought you won't get any replies well i guess you've been proven wrong
isn't it great?? People here are so nice and supportive.Congrat on your pregnancy. When are you due? I'm also pregnant and i'm also in love with an addict. I'm due in May. Go check my thread if you want to hear a bit my story.
Anyway, needless to say i totaly understand you and feel your frustration. Me too i'm wondering why i can't have a normal pregnancy, where i don't have to worry where money go, or don't have $ to pay for cute baby stuff and, worst, fearing everyday that my bf will die from overdose and that my daughter will never see her dad.
I also can't really give you advise because for me i've chosen my path and i've chosen to stick by him. I know it's a tough road to take but that's what i've decided -for now-
Now...i think everyone have a different experience so it's really up to you to make your decision but if you come to a point to lose sanity over this all then it might be time to consider the option to leave him.
For info, i was really about to kick my bf out few weeks ago because it got completely out of control and then - just when i couldn't handle it anymore- he got arrested and is now on probation and has been doing good since then and i finally can relax. Things happen in weird ways...
Eventually you'll find your answer too.
Take care
x
Carine
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
I'm the mother of a recovering heroin addict and if my son were doing to his girlfriend what your boyfriend is doing to you I'd kick the living sh** out of him. of course that wouldn't stop his drug using because only he can stop that not you or anyone else including the new baby. Nothing but nothing will make him stop until HE is ready.
so my opinion, leave him, tell him it's for the best or don't tell him anything.
Maybe after he gets sober things will change but for now you have a child to protect and that is your responsibility to protect your baby. just my opinion.
good luck
so my opinion, leave him, tell him it's for the best or don't tell him anything.
Maybe after he gets sober things will change but for now you have a child to protect and that is your responsibility to protect your baby. just my opinion.
good luck
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: New Windsor NY
Posts: 24
Realize you can't save him and you can't fix him. This is no life, especially for a baby. You need to step back from this relationship and try to look at it as an outsider. Also keep in mind that there is no better liar than a using addict. Guess that means you can't trust him either. Also consider, what's in this relationship for you? Sounds like it's all about him.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
