How do I do it?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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How do I do it?
It been just over a year since my boyfirend and I have been dating. He's been an addict for 8 years now, in recovery and jail off and on. He even went as far as doing 8 armed robberies to get money for drugs and spent just over 3 years in jail. All of this before I met him mind you. He was in a sober living facility when i met hm and doing ery well... until he had to move out. Once he moved out he went crazy, he stole from me, sold all his possessions, wasted every last dime he could get his hands on to get his crack. He slowed down but it seems like we go through a few REALLY good weeks and he treats me like a goddess, and then life will get a bit stressful (with works, money, family etc.. regular life stresses) and he'll relapse. i'm so sick of crying, I'm so sick of this endless worring when he's gone. It's affecting MY life now because I'm an emotional wreck, and when he takes off I stop my life until I know he's ok. I'm SO scared to leave him because he's told me time and time again that he would probably be dead, or end up with a life sentence in jail for doing something unspeakable. I don't want to see his life spiral down once I leave him. I love him with all my heart, and I don't want to live without him, I can't even picture my life without him... but it's just getting to the point where I can't do this anymore. I feel sooo lost, and helpless, and honestly feel like if I can't live with him I would rather not be living. I'm a social worker and my instincts just keep saying help him, help him"... but deep down I know I can't help him unless he helps himself first.
How do I do it?? How do I leave him and not completely fall apart, with sadness and guilt. How do I move on without him??
How do I do it?? How do I leave him and not completely fall apart, with sadness and guilt. How do I move on without him??
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by allybee63 
I love him with all my heart, and I don't want to live without him, I can't even picture my life without him... but it's just getting to the point where I can't do this anymore. I feel sooo lost, and helpless, and honestly feel like if I can't live with him I would rather not be living. I'm a social worker and my instincts just keep saying help him, help him"... but deep down I know I can't help him unless he helps himself first.
How do I do it?? How do I leave him and not completely fall apart, with sadness and guilt. How do I move on without him??
How do I do it?? How do I leave him and not completely fall apart, with sadness and guilt. How do I move on without him??
DesertEyes posted this for me yesterday, you may or may not find it helpful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 2
Thank you so much... like I said I know I have to leave. And not because I don't love him, but because I'm afraid who I will become if I don't leave now. I feel so weak, so powerless, and am not the strong, independent person I was when I came into this relationship. I read it somewhere, and he is my drug. I am addicted to him, and wanting him to recover, and I sit here and dream about our life together but know it'll never be that way because of his drug use. I want a better life, and right now it looks like it's going to have to be without him.
Now comes the point of moving out, because we live together. It's going to be difficult because I cannot afford first and last months rent at a new place, and do not have anyone around me to stay with. I'm afraid that as I sit here waiting and saving I may fall into trying to help him again and rethink my decision to leave. I don't know how to do it- I love him so much, and feel like I'm failing him if I leave.
Now comes the point of moving out, because we live together. It's going to be difficult because I cannot afford first and last months rent at a new place, and do not have anyone around me to stay with. I'm afraid that as I sit here waiting and saving I may fall into trying to help him again and rethink my decision to leave. I don't know how to do it- I love him so much, and feel like I'm failing him if I leave.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Ally. Hi welcome. Don't give a crack addict control over your life. He will destroy you. You can start by giving yourself the respect and love that you deserve. Then make a plan and stick with it. No matter what.
If nothing changes nothing changes. That means you. If you don't change, Nothing will change for you, or for him. By staying you are only enabling his addiction. Draw boundaries and follow through. If you can't move out now, then set a goal to have a certain amount of money saved up (that he doesn't know about or you could be in big trouble) by xxx date. Then at least you will have resources in the bank should something happen. You'll feel much better once you start focusing on yourself and getting control over your life again.
He will promise you the moon Ally. But deep down, you know that he will never deliver. Right?
If nothing changes nothing changes. That means you. If you don't change, Nothing will change for you, or for him. By staying you are only enabling his addiction. Draw boundaries and follow through. If you can't move out now, then set a goal to have a certain amount of money saved up (that he doesn't know about or you could be in big trouble) by xxx date. Then at least you will have resources in the bank should something happen. You'll feel much better once you start focusing on yourself and getting control over your life again.
He will promise you the moon Ally. But deep down, you know that he will never deliver. Right?
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
I'm so sorry you are having to go though this but I admire you for having the courage and the strength to walk away from a situation that is doing nothing but bringing you down to the level of your ABF.
The best thing you can do is take care of Ally. Do what you need to do to protect yourself financially, emotionaly and physically. You cannot worry about what will happen to your boyfriend if you leave him because truthfully whatever is going to happen will happen reguardless if you stay or if you leave. I know it's hard to think about right now especially when you love someone but the addict has to be the one to want to change, to get clean and to be a responsible human being. You can give him all the love in the world but it wont make him a better person it will only make you a bitter person.
If you haven't already, read the book co-dependant no more. It will give you some great insights on what you are struggling with right now.
I feel like for the sake of your sanity that you need to get out of your boyfriends house. Shop around some apartments base rent on your income. Some apartment don't require a huge deposit, I know when I got my apartment, all I had to pay was a 300 dollar security deposit. In the meantime, open up a checking account that he will never know about and put away as much money as you can, you will be surprised at how quickly you will save money.
I wish you all the best in the world and please keep posting here,
The best thing you can do is take care of Ally. Do what you need to do to protect yourself financially, emotionaly and physically. You cannot worry about what will happen to your boyfriend if you leave him because truthfully whatever is going to happen will happen reguardless if you stay or if you leave. I know it's hard to think about right now especially when you love someone but the addict has to be the one to want to change, to get clean and to be a responsible human being. You can give him all the love in the world but it wont make him a better person it will only make you a bitter person.
If you haven't already, read the book co-dependant no more. It will give you some great insights on what you are struggling with right now.
I feel like for the sake of your sanity that you need to get out of your boyfriends house. Shop around some apartments base rent on your income. Some apartment don't require a huge deposit, I know when I got my apartment, all I had to pay was a 300 dollar security deposit. In the meantime, open up a checking account that he will never know about and put away as much money as you can, you will be surprised at how quickly you will save money.
I wish you all the best in the world and please keep posting here,
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Ally.... take care of you, hon. I am so sorry you are going thru all this, but come here, read the posts, talk to friends, look for support. You deserve better and you need to fight hard to get it. Hang in! Keep coming back.
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 113
I agree with all of the above posts. I was in your shoes a little over a year ago. An Interventionist was the one who got through to me when he said "It only gets worse..." in regards to finances, homes, vehicles, etc. If you stay with him, you will have these issues to deal with anyway. If you leave, you will have your sanity to get through the rough spots. I PROMISE it does get better. Once you're out from under the weight of his addiction, and your co-dependancy, you will be able to see you are in a losing situation without his sobriety. I divorced my AH and he's still popping pills and living in the past and future, but not in the present because the present is what allows him to make the change to sobriety (again). Good luck to you and pray.
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