My Introduction!!

Old 03-29-2008, 03:27 PM
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Question My Introduction!!

My name is Tiffany and Im here because my b/f is a recovering addict. Im 22 years old. He will be 24 in april. Ive been with him for over 2 years now minus the time i broke up with him when he was arrested for the 3rd time. the past 2 years of my life have been a roller coaster of emotions. I cant even write about everything becuz id be typing forever and u people will get bored eventually. He was an addict when i met him and I had no idea. I knew he did pills here and there but ive had plenty of "b/f's" that partied and got "messed up"... I had no clue as to what a serious problem this actually was for him. Ive seen him lose jobs, friends, money, his family, his home, and respect for himself... Hes broken my heart by hurting me physically and emotionally and by stealing from me and the people i care about. I hated him soo much. But it broke my heart even more every time he got taken away from me. It was his own fault for getting arrested. Usually violating probation because of drugs, or stealing to get money for drugs. But I blamed myself every time. Always thinking there is something i should have done, or even something I shouldnt have done that would of helped him.. About a year ago, he was arrested for the 3rd time. 5 months in jail. For those 5 months I prayed every night a judge can look into his eyes and see this person needs help!!!!. PLease help him, I would ask!!! PLEASE!!! After 5 months, my prayers were finally answered and he was sentenced to a drug rehab program. 6 months long. I was hoping for at least a year but 6 months is better than that 30 day ****! After almost a year he is getting out in less than 10 days... Hes been sober since May 1st, 2007... Ive moved to Orlando sometime during the past year, away from the small town we came from where every1 is on drugs!! He is moving in with me and will be on house arrest for the next 3 months. Im so scared. More scared than Ive ever been!! Im scared of losing him again. Scared of losing the sober, incredible, compassionate person I have fallen in love with all over again. Im scared of getting close to him again, and of getting hurt later on. And Im scared of him dying or being in prison for 5 years.... Im bascially saying im scared FOR him!
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Old 03-29-2008, 04:47 PM
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Welcome Tiffany, you are among friends here who have been where you are.

Re-read what you wrote above and try to figure out what this relationship is bringing you. For the 2 years you have known him your life has been in upheaval and you have been physically and emotionally abused and stolen from and lied to...sweetie, there is something wrong with this picture because you are worth so much better than all this.

At the top of this forum is a sticky thread called "For the Abused Woman". Maybe take a read through it and see if there is anything that matches your situation, and then maybe think about getting some help. Any woman's shelter can tell you how to get it, at no cost to you.

I know you think you love him, but codies can be like love magnets to all the wrong people unless we learn to help ourselves from repeating the same mistakes.

If this sounds harsh, please know it is said with compassion and love in my heart. I hate to see you live in danger with an addicted abusive man, and if you were my daughter I'd tell you to run for the hills while you still can.

Regardless of your choices, please know you are welcome here and we're all walking with you.

Hugs
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Old 03-29-2008, 05:00 PM
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no, not abused at all. The worst its gotten was the 2 of us pushing each other and i usually started it. Id just get soooo angry, that hed pick something so materialistic like 1 pill, over me!!!!! I tried screaming at him but i couldnt get thru to someone whose literally half awake passing out in front of me!!! It was bad like that maybe a month out of our 2 years right b4 he was arrested. And the 3rd time he was arrested i left him, for about 6 months. I dated other people and was treated like a complete princess, but i Never cared and I treated those guys like crap. All i wanted was matt, (my bf)... He never left my mind or my heart. And like I said hes been sober for almost a year. This is the longest hes ever been sober his whole life. He is a complete different person when hes not on drugs and thats the person Im head over heels in love with!!I just want to do whatever I can to keep him like that. He really wants it this time, i can tell. hes already asked me to go to meetings with him, and i said I wouldnt miss 1! Im excited to start our life together, i just want to be supportive and do whatever i can this time!!
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Old 03-29-2008, 06:25 PM
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I couldnt agree with u more... And i have told him things i will not put up with. And he agrees with me 100%. He is harsher on himself than any1 could ever be to him.
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Old 03-29-2008, 06:41 PM
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glad you are here, welcome!!! you have your whole life ahead of you. if you are going to let him move in when he gets out set boundries before he comes & stick with them. my son is my addict. he served his 1st prison tem at 21.today he is 38 next month.he has been in & out of rehab & prison since that time. it takes alot of work for an addict to stay clean.they have real intentions of staying clean when they come come but my son has not made it. it is up to the addict. you can not make him stay clean & he can not do it for you.he has got to want to do it for himself. drop the guilt. he did all of this to himself. keep coming back & learn to take care of you.find a naranon meeting & start going. i am a firm believe in meeting. prayers for u & him.
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Old 03-29-2008, 07:13 PM
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Hey (((((tiff))))

I have a niece named Tiffany. Anyway you cannot help him stay clean. He has to do it.

I hear something in your post that tells me you might be in for more of the same. How long have you been clean? Have you had any kind of therapy yourself or Alanon meeting? Your addiction is to him. Controlling him is your high. You have arranged your whole life around him and his addiction. I hate to sound so straight forward with you. You don't know me I know this. But, You have 10 days to start changing your behaviors...I hope you can find out what I mean.
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Old 03-29-2008, 08:16 PM
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Thank u so much!! I plan on going to meetings with him once hes out. good luck to u and ur son
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Old 03-29-2008, 08:20 PM
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I understand he has to stay clean for himself. At first it was me always asking him to please check himself in somewhere... About 3 months into rehab he called me to tell me hes doing this for himself, and that the person he used to be disgusts him. Ive never heard him say he was doing it for himself. Its always been, im doing this for u... or im doing this for my family... It was awesome to hear him say he was doing it for himself this time.. thanks for ur reply!!! ill keep ya updated
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Old 03-29-2008, 10:07 PM
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Maintaining sobriety takes a WHOLE lot more than just going to meetings. Its great that he has been clean all this time but being clean in a Rehab center is a lot different than being clean on the outside. In Rehab we addicts are all in a cocoon, protected from any dangers, triggers, temptations, etc, so it is very easy to stay clean. Once we get out of Rehab is when the real recovery process begins.

One thing to remember, when I was first trying to get clean my ex was doing much of the same that you are doing right now with your bf. Moved in with her, she tried to help me re-focus my life away from dealing // using. The whole 9 yards. I just want you to keep in mind something, if he does slip up and starts using again don't take it that he doesn't love you or as a slap in the face because that is simply not the case. So many times I let my ex down but it was not on purpose like she suggested. The dope just had to strong a pull to me.

Its good that your optimistic that will help the both of you in the long run. Best of luck to the both of you, keep us updated.
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Old 03-30-2008, 01:31 AM
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Sober living houses are recommended after rehab.
Instead of rescuing him, it might be great to wait until he has made a sober responsible life for himself.
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Old 03-30-2008, 04:18 AM
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((((Tiffany)))

Honey I hope you know that when someone is in jail it is easy to say all this stuff. I hope you start meetings before he gets home.

I know all about the love connection and jail. I had a husband(now ex) in jail when I was about your age. I have 2 brothers that prison is a swinging door to. Believe me they will say anything to have somewhere to go to when they get out. You are scared for him....

We here are probably a little bit scared for you. You are the one who has arranged everything; you have moved away, prayed every night, probably given him money while in rehab, and worked to provide him with a place to live.

Originally Posted by Tiffany912
I had no clue as to what a serious problem this actually was for him. Ive seen him lose jobs, friends, money, his family, his home, and respect for himself... Hes broken my heart by hurting me physically and emotionally and by stealing from me and the people i care about. I hated him soo much. But it broke my heart even more every time he got taken away from me. It was his own fault for getting arrested. Usually violating probation because of drugs, or stealing to get money for drugs. But I blamed myself every time. Always thinking there is something i should have done, or even something I shouldnt have done that would of helped him.. About a year ago, he was arrested for the 3rd time. 5 months in jail.
To me this quote above says it all. In one paragraph he has broken your heart, lost connection to friends and family,lost jobs,stolen money and been arrested. All of this in 2 years time that you have been with him. Addiction is a serious problem. Where is your support system? Have you lost connection to your family and friends because of him?

You may feel old but, believe me you are very young. Addiction makes you feel old mainly because people like you and me take too much responsibility to for people like your BF. Believe me his addiction hears loud and clear that you are there to take responsibility so he don't have to. They know exactly how to manipulate the situation you are in right now. He is counting on your ability to take care of him so he don't have to worry about it. What you are doing gives him plenty of room to plan his next relapse . I hope you will get to a meeting as soon as possible. You need it in the worst way my dear. Don't wait for him to come home to do it. Go tell the people at a meeting what you have told us and listen to them as though your life depends on it cause it does. I am praying for you right now ((((Tiffany))))
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Old 03-30-2008, 01:19 PM
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Hey!

Tiffany,

We are alot alike. You have been given some wonderful advice here. I know that you will continue to do what you feel....as I do.....I to have dated others and been treated like a Queen only to continue going back to the man who hurts me the most. WE need counseling.....I have been in it for 4 years now......try to work on yourself and what YOU want the most.....it also helps NOT to expect anything from the other. He is your drug......your addiction. The highs and lows are part of what pulls us in. It's scary, I know. I just saw my ex after 1 1/2 years.....I thought I would find closure but I have fallen all over again....thought I would be fine.....not so. He has stolen from me, verbally abused me and uses me to fulfll his needs. I will keep you in my prayers. Read Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. It may help explain some of the things you are going through.

Hugs,
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Old 03-30-2008, 02:21 PM
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Im definitily going to read that. thank u!
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Old 03-30-2008, 04:53 PM
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Tiffany,
Welcome! First of all let me say, I know where you are coming from saying that your boyfriend is very wonderful and his only problem is his addiction. My son is a wonderful person and he is recovery addict. Most addicts are wonderful people, they just make terrible decisions while on their drugs. That is wonderful of you to see through his addiction. Please don't ever blame yourself for his addiction. Addiction is a disease!
I was very nervous, but excited when my son got out of rehab. They will have their days, but rebab helps with the 12 step program they use on a daily basis.
You where talking about him changing to Buddhism in your other post....a lot of times in rehab they use the term "Higher Power". My higher power is GOD and you choose who your higher power is.....They also, use meditation....That could be a lot of where he is getting that from...I really don't know about Buddhism to even state my opinion about it, but if he is talking about meditation...sounds to me he is doing that from rehab...They teach you that.
I really wish you the best and keep use posted..My prayers are with him, his family and you....I am so glad he got help regardless of how he got it.
Hugs and Prayers,:ghug
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