Am I out of line?
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Am I out of line?
Apparently AH has talked to a friend of ours who has tried to inject some reasonableness into our situation. So, tonight he gets home from golf and is Mr. Let's just try to work together. This means, let's try to work out how I can get what I want. I know that. I'm confident about it. What I'm not confident about is what comes out of my mouth. How to say what I mean without saying it mean.
The fact is he doesn't have the money to have what he wants because he has been buying and using pills to check out of life and work. So, when I say, sorry your choices, and he keeps saying let's not go "there", helloooo? I feel like I'm being "mean" when I point out what those choices were. Pills and porn! That sounds mean to me -
And, what is this Mr. Reasonable. An opiate addict reasonable - manipulative is more like it probably, but when isn't it manipulative or is it never not?
Argh. I am confused, but at least I'm not sick at heart. I just want to do this with dignity for both of us, just confused how I'm going to do it.
The fact is he doesn't have the money to have what he wants because he has been buying and using pills to check out of life and work. So, when I say, sorry your choices, and he keeps saying let's not go "there", helloooo? I feel like I'm being "mean" when I point out what those choices were. Pills and porn! That sounds mean to me -
And, what is this Mr. Reasonable. An opiate addict reasonable - manipulative is more like it probably, but when isn't it manipulative or is it never not?
Argh. I am confused, but at least I'm not sick at heart. I just want to do this with dignity for both of us, just confused how I'm going to do it.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Hi, Codeinewife, as you know my A is my child not my spouse, but the truth is still the truth, and you can only speak for you and they ARE HIS choices, no matter how he wants to minimize it....stay in the moment and stay in the truth and let the rest fall where it may.....I don't think you were out of line and i can understand why you are second guessing yourself...Hugs, grateful
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
The problem is not with the words you are saying. The problem is he is not ready to accept responsibility for the things he is doing and so your words fall on "deaf" ears. When we repeat ourselves again and again and we just get the same results, it can make us feel a bit crazy. Say it once and then let it go. It is not up to you to make sure he gets the message. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
No
Originally Posted by codeinewife 
Apparently AH has talked to a friend of ours who has tried to inject some reasonableness into our situation.
How to say what I mean without saying it mean.
How to say what I mean without saying it mean.
I also have a AH, and one thing, probably the only thing, I'm sure of is that I should trust my instincts. So when you tell your AH about HIS choices, that's probably what you know is right, its just the feelings that get in the way. And with feelings, we feel for others, and that's not bad. It's just that we need to feel more for ourselves because they aren't thinking about us. I hope that made sense...You're not being mean, you are doing what you need to do. I often feel mean because I can't seem to control my anger when he lies. I don't like that side of myself. I guess that's when detachment helps, which I am still working on.
Another thing I wanted to comment on was this other person trying to 'help'. I'm sure he/she means well, but IMO no one like that can really give good advice because, honestly, no one knows what its really like til they live with it, every day. For example, my AH's sponsor tried to tell me that my AH really needs his meds and that I should dispense them as prescribed by my AH's doctor. What he doesn't know is that my AH has three doctors that he's getting prescriptions from. So i know he meant well, but he doesn't know what's really going on..........You and I DO!
Hang in....I know you are doing the best you can.....
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Maybe can't say it without FEELING mean, but he has a CHOICE to be offended. If he is choosing to be offended, that is his problem, not yours.
There is no "fair" in addiction and I've yet to meet an addict (or anyone else, for that matter) who gives me permission to set a boundary around myself.
Your gun is loaded with the correct ammo, just keep working on the range. ((hugs))
There is no "fair" in addiction and I've yet to meet an addict (or anyone else, for that matter) who gives me permission to set a boundary around myself.
Your gun is loaded with the correct ammo, just keep working on the range. ((hugs))
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Hey I feel mad as hell. I am almost over whelmed by it sometimes. My H does not want to hear how angry I am. I am pretty sure I need not totally ignore it least I end up more angry than I am now.
The way I deal with this is to take really good care of myself and do what I need to do for myself. I feel less angry the more I do this. It is scary because I have let a lot of my needs go by the wayside for him and .... this is not really his fault. I am the one who ignored me. As long as I am ignoring me all bets are off on me getting over my stuff including my anger and confusion. A little side note... I feel confused when I am believing a lie.
The way I deal with this is to take really good care of myself and do what I need to do for myself. I feel less angry the more I do this. It is scary because I have let a lot of my needs go by the wayside for him and .... this is not really his fault. I am the one who ignored me. As long as I am ignoring me all bets are off on me getting over my stuff including my anger and confusion. A little side note... I feel confused when I am believing a lie.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
I find it the hardest to focus on me when he is being reasonable... or is it manipulative?!?!?! When he is being "nice" or rational, then I start to let my guard down and I start to feel like maybe I am "wrong" and that I am being selfish and mean. Why is it so hard to focus on me. How do I convince me that it is ok to want what is best for me???
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by imallright
I find it the hardest to focus on me when he is being reasonable... or is it manipulative?!?!?! When he is being "nice" or rational, then I start to let my guard down and I start to feel like maybe I am "wrong" and that I am being selfish and mean. Why is it so hard to focus on me. How do I convince me that it is ok to want what is best for me???
I'm a caregiver and it's so hard to think about me let alone care for me when I spent all my time caring for others.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
I guess we just have to be strong enough to catch whatever they throw and then drop it! It is manipulation... but it's hard not to want it to be real after so many years of trying to make it work. I guess part of it is I need a refresher in 'letting go" and in remembering that I can't control it, I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. Have a great day ladies!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Well, I don't know about you guys, but as always for me makes me feel so much LESS crazy when I hear other people are and have experienced the same thing!
I spent yesterday on me. Not obsessing or awefulizing. I re-read a lot of Codie No More, read around here, spent some quiet time, talked with a friend. I got to a good place yesterday, and I'm still there, but after talking it out with my friend, I realize the only thing I have to say right now is - you have my numbers, they haven't changed, it's your turn to come to me with your numbers and then we will have something to discuss and negotiate. That's it. He has brought NOTHING to the table. He says this, he says that, he does the dance whether it's reasonable, crying or Mr. Smug - but no action!
They get us every time with their "reasonableness". Apparently we've all been there done that, so it's obviously part of the process. Splendra hit it - she feels confused when believing a lie. My therapist said much the same thing, if I'm feeling confused chances are I'm being manipulated. Thanks for the reminder. The feeling of confusion is my red flag, it's a feeling I am comfortable and sure recognizing. I am classically unable to always recognize all my feelings for what they are - but that's getting better too!
I spent yesterday on me. Not obsessing or awefulizing. I re-read a lot of Codie No More, read around here, spent some quiet time, talked with a friend. I got to a good place yesterday, and I'm still there, but after talking it out with my friend, I realize the only thing I have to say right now is - you have my numbers, they haven't changed, it's your turn to come to me with your numbers and then we will have something to discuss and negotiate. That's it. He has brought NOTHING to the table. He says this, he says that, he does the dance whether it's reasonable, crying or Mr. Smug - but no action!
They get us every time with their "reasonableness". Apparently we've all been there done that, so it's obviously part of the process. Splendra hit it - she feels confused when believing a lie. My therapist said much the same thing, if I'm feeling confused chances are I'm being manipulated. Thanks for the reminder. The feeling of confusion is my red flag, it's a feeling I am comfortable and sure recognizing. I am classically unable to always recognize all my feelings for what they are - but that's getting better too!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by codeinewife
Well, I don't know about you guys, but as always for me makes me feel so much LESS crazy when I hear other people are and have experienced the same thing!
I spent yesterday on me. Not obsessing or awefulizing. I re-read a lot of Codie No More, read around here, spent some quiet time, talked with a friend. I got to a good place yesterday, and I'm still there, but after talking it out with my friend, I realize the only thing I have to say right now is - you have my numbers, they haven't changed, it's your turn to come to me with your numbers and then we will have something to discuss and negotiate. That's it. He has brought NOTHING to the table. He says this, he says that, he does the dance whether it's reasonable, crying or Mr. Smug - but no action!
They get us every time with their "reasonableness". Apparently we've all been there done that, so it's obviously part of the process. Splendra hit it - she feels confused when believing a lie. My therapist said much the same thing, if I'm feeling confused chances are I'm being manipulated. Thanks for the reminder. The feeling of confusion is my red flag, it's a feeling I am comfortable and sure recognizing. I am classically unable to always recognize all my feelings for what they are - but that's getting better too!
I spent yesterday on me. Not obsessing or awefulizing. I re-read a lot of Codie No More, read around here, spent some quiet time, talked with a friend. I got to a good place yesterday, and I'm still there, but after talking it out with my friend, I realize the only thing I have to say right now is - you have my numbers, they haven't changed, it's your turn to come to me with your numbers and then we will have something to discuss and negotiate. That's it. He has brought NOTHING to the table. He says this, he says that, he does the dance whether it's reasonable, crying or Mr. Smug - but no action!
They get us every time with their "reasonableness". Apparently we've all been there done that, so it's obviously part of the process. Splendra hit it - she feels confused when believing a lie. My therapist said much the same thing, if I'm feeling confused chances are I'm being manipulated. Thanks for the reminder. The feeling of confusion is my red flag, it's a feeling I am comfortable and sure recognizing. I am classically unable to always recognize all my feelings for what they are - but that's getting better too!
I can honestly say I would have gone crazy had I not found this board.
I still have a long way to go but at least I know it's the right way for me
Thank you all :ghug3
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