seacup

I am new here, and very thank-full for learning of others that will understand. My 20 yr old son is an addict. He recently came home and went to detox and treatment. After almost 3 months of recovery he started to use again and as usual we had terrible fights etc. He ended up leaving home after a very bad week-end, breaking my things etc. and called like 5 days later from 2 states away saying that he wanted to come back and go back to detox/treatment. I arranged from a family member to pick him up (my brother) and that I would drive to him after work and bring him back to treatment. Well...he knew people in the area and was gone from my brothers before I got out of work. Yes, 4 days later called again and said he could get a ride (my car is old and junkie) if I sent him money. I did and he never showed up. 6 days later he called again and said he screwed up so bad and needed my help......and oh yeah I did again sent him money and no show. This evening he called from a cousins house and wants to come home and get help again, but he was yelling at me saying he has tried so hard and he always end up back to where he started and worse each time. This scares me to hear this. I agreed to meet him 1/2 way and bring him to treatment. He got kinda grumpy and said he wasnt going to the hospital at midnight. etc. that he wanted to come home and eat and sleep before he went. I told him NO. That if I was to meet him we had to go directly to treatment. I told him that "home" is not an option right now, that he needs to be clean straight and sober, which I have told him for a very long time now in order to be home. He again started cussin me saying I am not helping him by being this way etc. I feel just awful here. I am his enabler. I told him that I am done! I told him and his cousin to go to the local hospital where he is they have detox/treatment and to call me again with a clear head. I am so scared that I am not doing the right thing. My son is killing himself and just dont know what else to do right now other than to not continue to enable him. Please tell me I am doing the right thing.........

sailorjohn

I came from an alcoholic background, started to get into trouble fairly early in life, even way back then they would send you to AA. It never took. I was fortunate that I didn't have any major enabling in my life, not sure if I would have ever made it had I. You are doing the absolute right thing, I can't imagine how terribly painful it must be to let your flesh and blood go, but if he is EVER to recover you have to be really tough with him. My thoughts go out to you.

grateful2b

WELCOME Seacup to SR...glad to meet you..This is a wonderful place full of wisdom, compassion, and understanding.

Good for you for laying down the boundary that home is not an option , and good for you for recognizing that you have been his enabler....You are doing the right thing..

You cannot control what your son chooses to do, you cannot fix his life, only he can do that....and you did not cause him to choose to get lost in addiction.

I am the mom of an AD and I understand your pain and frustration..It is so hard for us when we have to go against our parental instincts and do the hard thing .

Are you aware of Alanon? You might find it a wonderful support; a place where other parents are going through the same struggles.

be strong, take care of you ..and hang in there and keep posting ere......, hugs, grateful

marle

Yes, you are doing the right thing. When you give him money, he buys drugs with it. When you give him a soft bed to sleep in, you are making it easier for him to continue to use. When you let him cuss you out, you are giving him a scapegoat for his troubles. But when you offer him treatment, you are giving him a chance. Problem is it does not sound like he is really ready to accept help. I am the mother of an addict daughter and so I do understand how hard it is to let go and let them find their way, but I believe it is absolutely the right thing to do. My experience and the experience of others have shown this to be true. Others will be along to welcome you. Just know that we are here and you don't have to do this by yourself. Hugs, Marle

LauraK

Seacup - I feel your pain. My addict son (AS) is 20 also. He is currently in jail awaiting a prison sentence. He has been through jail time, boot camp, a month-long rehab, more jail time, then Teen Challenge (he left there after 3 months of a 14-month program). I have been also scared to death that he was killing himself, taking stupid chances and everything just like your son. Although it will break your heart, read the posts in the sticky's at the top about "Let me Fall" - there are some great posts also written by NytePassion that made so much sense to me, they broke my heart but at the same time I really saw my son and myself in these posts.
I now know that I needed to get out of the way and stop trying to "save" him, that all of the enabling is just delaying his recovery, if there is to be one. Maybe prison will help my son get his life together, but if it doesn't, it's his choice. Sometimes you have to "let go and let God", really. Try to take some time for yourself, take a few deep breaths, and read some posts here, you will see that you are not alone, and there are people on here that have experienced just about anything you've gone through and are going through. I will say a prayer for you and your son...remember, you're not alone!!

itisatruth

Welcome seacup,

I'm kinda new here too....its only been a week since I sigined up, There are a lot of good people here who share their thoughts and experiences. Honestly, even though my situation hasn't changed much, what I have read and shared in the last week has made me so much better. No, I'm not exactly wonderful at the moment, but I do feel a lot better knowing and hearing that I am not alone. I hope you keep coming back.

bookmiser

((((((((Seacup))))))))))




Another mom here. I agree with all the others....your doing the right thing.
It takes a long time for most of us to "get" it.
Your there. Sending you a warm welcome, hugs, support, and prayers
that your son does get the help he needs, when he needs it.
Your doing great by going out and getting your own help. This is a wonderful start to recovery for you, mom.
Keep coming back. There's strength in numbers.

Prayers,
Linda

seacup

Thank to all for your kind words and support, but mostly for supporting that is the best thing for me to do right now even though it's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I am speechless at how reading all your replies have me feel inside. Thank you!

caileesnana

Hi, been there done that!

My son is killing himself and just dont know what else to do right now

Quit helping him kill himself!

:ghug3
susan

rahsue

I was my son's biggest enabler. I was once told that I was helping my son kill himself because I was enabling. so I will pass that good advice on to you.
You can allow him to help himself or you can help him kill himself by keep giving him what he WANTS not what he needs. What he needs is to find out for himself that HE has to help himself. Read more on enabling, well, actually read everything you can here, it has saved my life and sanity.

good luck

BindereDunnat

He knows all the buttons to push, and all the buzzwords to use to push them. You're doing the right thing, and I know it's hard. It's hard enough when the addict is a spouse or partner- but when it's your baby..

Just remain strong. You're doing the right thing.

BigSis

There is nothing MORE to do... you are keeping yourself from contributing to his downfall by refusing him a safe harbor to allow him to continue his drug use.

My daughter raged every time I stuck to my boundaries - it became a good way to know that I WAS sticking to them... how loud she got.

They can get sober, please do not lose hope. He has asked for it, some part of him wants it - at some point, he will start firing on all eight cylinders and get himself to treatment, until then, I urge you to seek out as many Alanon/Naraon meetings as you can squeeze in. They saved my life and still help me very much.

(((hugs)))

Lobo

Seacup,
Welcome aboard. I know it is hard to stick to the boundaries, I am going through that right now with my daughter.

There are a lot of strong people here with sons just like yours. Together we can get through this.

Hugs............Lo

kelsh

Hi Seacup,

I am another Mom with a son...he had to do it himself & it didn't work...is now in a wheelchair the rest of his life...so sad but I couldn't do it for him.

I also have a brother that is detoxing now from Methametaphine & alcohol at a 10 year sober friend's house...is very sick...I had not heard from him for three years until last week...talked with him about half an hour...he has a warrant out for his arrest at home where our family home is...I live across the state from there...he is on this side of the mountains...about 100 miles from where I live.

I hope to go see him when he is better...have to move him out of the family home so it can be sold...it is all coming down around him now....will most likely go to jail when he goes home after he detoxes...felt he would die if he went to jail before detoxing...I have been sober 19 years and it is so hard to watch my son and now hear what my Brother has been doing.

I knew my brother drank to excess but did not know he used drugs...my stomach hurts to think of it....his voice sent chills down my back when I talked with him...I am talking with his friend now every day to see how he is doing.

Hope your son can figure out that he is the one that has to ask for help and follow through with it himself...all of the addicts know where to go for help...get detoxed and then go back out to seek that "HIGH" that they never seem to be able to reach again.

Take care of YOU and keep coming back,

retiredmom

cece

((((Seacup)))))

Welcome to SR. There is so much hope here and support. It still pains me to see another family going down this road but at the same time I am awed by how many are guided here by their HP.
that shows me that GOD values the need for family recovery as much as the addicts.
I too have an AS. He is 22 years old and began his downward spiral at 17.
I have spent many nights terrified. And many days curled up in the fetus position crying and not knowing how I will survive watching my son's life crumbling down. It crippled me. If he wasn't okay. I wasn't okay.
I couldn't focus on anything else. The telephone wouldn't ring and I worried. and then when it rang and I thought someone was calling to tell me he was hurt, in jail, or even dead. And I couldn't take any of that.

I too picked him up in the middle of the night, tried to rescue with money, bill paying, excuses, rides, a bed to sleep. I would have done ANYTHING to save my son from this insanity.
But I couldn't.
First of all because I didn't understand the nature of the disease. Most importantly that while he was in active addiction I wasn't dealing with my son anymore but with the drug. So finding "rational-to-me" fixes were never going to work. " If only he could see..."

So I went to find out what would work. How could I fix him? Everywhere I turned from here, SR, Nar-Anon to Al-Anon, I was told I couldn't fix him. (Which depressed me greatly at first) I could only fix my reaction to it.

since I had nothing else and i knew I was close to completely losing my sanity. I embraced all I could learn here and at Al-anon. I needed peace in my life so badly, I embraced a way of thinking that went against every maternal instinct I had. deep down I knew something had to change or I would go crazy with pain and grief. with the help of my AL-anon program and friends here, I slowly I got better.
My son didn't, but I did. I know for newcomers its hard to believe that you can find peace, and even a joy for life with an active addict child, spouse or parent. but you can.
I look back now and cannot believe how much I have grown and how much peace has been restored in my life.
And as I changed so did my son. And even though he still has substance problems, our relationship is better. He has came a long way and where he goes next is not my business. And I didn't do it.
But I am fixing me. Baby steps cause I can still go to panic/control mode if I let it.
So welcome again and I offer hope to you in this.
As soon as you can, turn the focus on you.
:praying Cathy

mooselips

seacup,
Well hug to you, Im glad you found us.
I also am the mother of two adult addict sons, one is 29, and sober for today, the other is 34, and SAYS he is sober. For me to believe him would be a stretch, cause I've been manipulated so many times.

You've had wonderful advice before me, and I agree with it all, there is absolutely nothing you can do, he has to want it, and do it himself.

I stopped enabling my sons when it dawned on me that I was actually BUYING their drugs for THEM, every time I gave out money.
We can actually enable them to their deaths. (thanks Jon )

Keep posting, stick around, get to meetings!

Glad to meet you!
Hugs,

hope213

welcome, i feel your pain. i too am the mother of an addict son. this site & support has saved my life. there is alot to learn here. it is not your fault your son is an addict. do not feel guilty. you did the right thing. do not give him anymore money ever for anything. stay with us, read around & know we care.prayers for you & your son.

seacup

The strength I feel in your words is most incredible to me. Many people for many years now have to me to "just walk away". Hearing past friends and an ex-husband that I loved very much say this to me infuriated me to no end. Hearing the words you have all shared with me gives me comfort. For the first time in years I am sharing with other that DO understand how I feel, that DO understand my pain and sorrow. I am hopefull for both myself and for my son. I have a 17 yr old daughter that seems to be a natural at all this "Tough Love" and is great support, but without the understanding of how a parent feels for their own child. Thank you all again, today I have read each and every word many times to give me the strength I need to deal with tomorrow.