imallright

So the roller coaster ride continues. I guess I need to be grateful for the smooth spots, but the valleys and twists are sure hard to handle sometimes. My anxiety level is so high. I know that I am doing what is best for me and I know that havng my AH in a different location (not in my house!) quickly is the best thing that could happen. BUT in the meantime getting to that point is draining me.

The kids are giving me a hard time about everything, to the point where I just want to give up. I know that's wrong, but I am exhausted. In the meantime Mr. wonderful...otherwise known as "Dad" is just sitting by watching these kids be disrespectful and hurtful and being the nice guy. I can't drop everything in my life and just be the kids playmate... someone has to clean the house, work, etc. I'd be ok with him stepping in and doing for the kids, if he wasn't grandstanding and making me look like I don't care or don't want to do those things for the kids. At some point they need to learn that the world doesn't revolve solely around them!

He supposedly isn't using at the moment, but he sure has doesn't done anything about the behaviors... although according to him, he's not doing anything a smoking weed doesn't impact your thought process... ok. When I say things or try to make the kids mind or talk about something that I am planning to do he laughs at me or smirks and tries to deny he is belittling me. I am trying to get through this situation and move on with grace and without causing excessive hurt for the kids, but he is pushing me. I feel so anxious sometimes that I feel like I can't breathe.

I don't want to display anger and what is beginning to feel like "hate" in front of my kids... they aren't little, but still it's not the right thing to do, but I am very quickly losing it. I still can't believe that I have allowed him to so mess up my life. I know that I am rambling and I also know that I am moving forward, but again I am having a hard time believing that there is hope and that I will come through this.

Talk to me, I need support.

katie44

There is hope, you sound very tired. Of course he is trying to get a rise out of you anything to make your life miserable. You made the first step and that is he is no longer living there. Sometimes everything seems so overwhelming that you just dont see it getting better. You will get through this believe me. The site has much support. Have you got a counsellor you can talk too? You must try to block him from your mind. You health is whats important we spend so many years living in chaos that we forget we need to look after ourselves. I dont know how old your kids are, however sometimes when kids see were under an amount of pressure they will seize the moment to take advantage of your time. I know I dont sound nice saying it but it is true. They also need to know there are boundaries. You are not super mom, nor does anyone expect you to be. ((((( hugs ))))))

hope213

there is always hope. do not give up. push on with your recovery. good things are out there waiting. saying prayers for you & your family.

imallright

Thank you. Actually, he is still living here. We are going thru the separation process and he has not found a place to live yet. Of course it needs to be on his terms, so it may be awhile. In the meantime being in this house with him is almost more than I can take. I am trying to get myself out more and reconnect with friends. I need that support. Of course he has plenty to say about that... thinks I am "going out" .... if you know what I mean...I know I need to just block it, but man it makes me angry. The kids are teenagers... oh boy! I know what you mean that they will try to take advantage when they know I am under stress. I hate the way it feels. I feel like I am being used, but if I say no, then I get tons of backlash. I am exhausted. Thanks for talking to me. I am going to a counselor and she is great. I only wish she could live on my shoulder at times like this.

laurie6781

Now that is BS. Set a date. Mean it. Put his things out and change the locks. This is a game he is playing and it is pure MANIPULATION, wearing you down so you will just give up and let him stay. NOT

He can always go to Salvation Army until he 'finds a place' or if he is working a Motel. Not your problem.

Please get your children into counseling or alateen. It will be very beneficial for them.

I know this is hard for you right now, but the sooner you get him out of there, the sooner you will get you and the children off the roller coaster and the dance will slow way down.

Are you doing this with or without an attorney. Being in the state of NY I really would suggest you make it a "Legal Separation" with BOUNDARIES of who has what obligations, set times for his visitation, etc. This will also start to put some 'structure' back in your children's lives.

If your kids are old enough to do their own laundry, then stop doing their laundry, when they run out of clean clothes they will learn. Same for AH, I hope you are not doing his laundry. Cook for you and the kids. Do nothing for him. If you start acting as if he is already gone, it will help to move him out the door.

And last, but not least, keep posting here, venting as need be, we are a safe place for you and we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

lostnow

Keep hanging in there8
I agree with laurie6781 on setting a date for him to leave.
It has helped me tremendously with my anger not to have my own AH laying around the house doing nothing that made me so mad and I was never good with keeping my mouth shut about it.
There's still stress but at least a peaceful place to come home to.

I understand about the kids even young kids can read the parents stress and will be stressed out,then act up. My own are giving me a ton of trouble fighting with each other like crazy. This week I felt like a terrible parent like I just couldn't do this any more and was failing at everything.

imallright

Thank you Laurie. Sometimes I think nobody cares. I do, but not sure about anthing else. We are working with an atty and getting a legal separation. We go back on W nite. Am going to be sure to bring up the "you have to get out" issue. I can't bring myself to actually throw him out, because of the kids. He has used for so many years and frankly I have done everything to keep this place together, that he is clueless about what to do. He's looking at a house, but since divorce will take 4 - 5 months to finalize, the $$ he wants to buy the house is tied up.

The kids are in denial as much as he is. They don't think he has a problem. They think that Dad has stopped smoking so everything is ok now and they don't realize how much of my and their lives have been impacted by his use through the years. At this point, they would not even consider going to a meeting, because like their Dad, there is no problem.

Thank you again for listening and posting. SR is my savior at this point. I am so tired of crying and feeling like someone is sitting on my chest. I know it's anxiety, just not sure how to make it go away.

imallright

Thanks Lost...

Good for you that you decided to get him up and off the couch! Or at least YOUR couch anyway! I am sure you are a good parent. My Mom always says to me, "you do the best you can and you make the best decision you can at the time. Then you pray and know that you did the very best you could". I know my kids love me and I know that their Dad is manipulating both me and them. HE doesn't know it, he just thinks he is being the hero, just like always. He doesn't see that it's not just like always... cause emotionally he has never been here and now deciding to involve the kids in this shows one more time that he understands nothing about what is best for them. It's exhausting. Looking forward to the peace and quiet that will come from him being gone.

imallright

By the way Laurie 6781... love your dog. He/she is beautiful.

laurie6781

She is a Belgian Sheepdog. She is a 're-home.' I got her from her breeder, who took her back from her original owner for reasons we won't go into here. Her breeder became a friend through this site, believe it or not.

Her breeder also warned me, a recovering alcoholic and recovering codependent that this particular breed was addictive. Naaaaaa not me, wouldn't happen to me, roflmao. I got her last April and got another one, from a different breeder December 1st.

Now how's that for still being in denial??? roflmao

I am glad you are using an attorney. Your kids may not think there is a problem now, but I would suggest getting them some counseling ASAP. When they have a 'neutral' person that they can come to trust and open up to, they will be able to deal with a lot of things that they have 'stuffed.'

When my sister started her divorce after 20 years of marriage and the kids were 18, 16, 13, and 10 she got them into counseling over their 'protests.' It made a huge difference in their lives. She too, of course, went into counseling and it helped her also.

You have a real ROUGH ROAD right now, but it will get better. I hope that at your meeting you can put some real good boundaries in place, and make that date soon, not 6 months down the road.

Now as to:

Oh he'll get a 'clue' real quick, when he has no clean clothes and no one is cooking for him. He'll survive. He'll learn how to read the instructions on the laundry detergent and how to wash his own d*** clothes. He'll also learn how to cook.

You do not need to enable him any further. He 'learned' how to find his DOC when he wanted it, he'll learn how to fend for himself. And to be honest, same for your kids. They NEED to learn how to do their own laundry. They NEED to learn how to cook and clean, etc. They NEED to learn that life does not owe them, they OWE life. It won't hurt them. Oh they will grumble and throw tantrums, but they'll learn.

And today even more than when my children were growing up, or my nieces and nephews (my sister is 11 years younger than me) they really NEED now to learn how to be 'self-sufficient' and 'self-reliant'. It's a lot harder now to survive in the big wide world, than it was when I grew up, or my kids grew up, or my nieces and nephews. They will thank you later, trust me.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

BayAreaPhoenix

((((Imallright))))
I'm on the same roller coaster too - different place on the ride, but right there with you! It's so hard. Keep taking care of yourself as best you can. You do sound tired and being tired I know for me, just makes it so much harder emotionally.

Get some good rest! Good luck with all this!:ghug3

katyk

I'm in a car right behind you on this ride. My AH is in another state with his mother, but threatening to come back to our home before he has a plan on where to live. He's begging for us to reconcile and is promising the world-- but his words only serve to agitate me, and his behaviors haven't changed at all.

I'm done with him, and in my head I know 100% its the right thing to do. In my heart, I'm about 80% there. When we talk, my thoughts get confused and it becomes really hard. When I have space from him, I feel very sure of myself.

I'm lucky to have a very good girlfriend who will let me stay with her whenever AH comes back. Its been really important for me to have my own space. I don't have emotional safety or sanity when we're living together.

itisatruth

imallright, I so hope you can get a break soon....get him out and go on with your own life. I agree that your children should have more responsibilities, it will help both you and them now, plus help them be more ready to take care of themselves when they are out on their own. My stepmom made all the kids take one day to make dinner and clean-up, so everyone had to contribute to the grocery list and it really took a load off my working parents. Sometimes it was as simple as hamburgers and tatertots, but it made dinner more fun for everyone.

Also, your kids will eventually understand the sacrifices you have made and will appreciate all you have done. I know its hard to see that now, but they will get so much more perspective as they continue to mature.

Do your best to take care of yourself, and someday soon you will look back and be grateful that your life is so much better than it is now.:praying

imallright

Thanks. It's tough to be strong... duh! But worth it. I keep telling myself to remember how much I have already come thru and that gives me strength that I can push thru this part and get to something better. I think the hardest part was addressing this whole situation head on... and I finally did it. The pain is real, but I know I will make it.

I have also found great comfort in letting those around me who love me know WHAT has fueled my decision and WHAT has made it so challenging for me. Lifting the veil of secrecy has helped me tremendously. I used to be so ashamed of myself for staying in a situation like or even for getting into this mess... somehow now, I have transitioned to "I am not ashamed, because I didn't do this". I did choose to stay, but now I have chosen to get out of this mess. I don't have a vindictive bone in my body, so I know that I didn't do this to make my AH look bad... I just have needed to speak the truth.

Although I still feel very alone... and the darkness is hard sometimes... the response I am getting from my family is positive. Now, yesterday I couldn't see that I had ANY support... but I am climbing back up on that **** roller coaster again.... maybe this time with the support of all of you and those near me, the drop will be smaller. Thanks again! :day4

It really is about 1 day at a time.