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-   -   I Told Her She Had To Find A New Place To Live (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/146968-i-told-her-she-had-find-new-place-live.html)

Lobo 03-27-2008 08:17 AM

I Told Her She Had To Find A New Place To Live
 
Friends,
I know I haven't posted here in a long time. I have been going through a lot and haven't been doing so well. I know that is the time that I should reach out, but sometimes I just shut down instead.

When I have posted here and there I told you Jen was doing pretty well and she was. Well, lately she has been depressed and I found a couple bottles of vodka in her room. I confronted her because substances of any kind are not permitted in my home and is a major boundary for me. I suspected she has been drinking but of course she denied it every time I confronted her about it.

I will not and cannot go through another addiction with her. I lived through the dysfunction of her drug addiction and I cannot live through an alcohol addiction. I would like to think that by me kicking her out that she might think twice about what she is doing to herself. I don't know where she will go. I feel like I am risking that this could cause her more problems and take her down more than she already is. I'm just so confused and scared about what this will do to her. I do know though that I have to stick with my boundaries because she has to know that I deserve to be respected in my home. She does not respect me when she drinks, she is very mean. I cannot live with that kind of behavior. I just want peace

After I told her she had to find a new place to live she did not come home last night and did not call. I do know where she is, but I am still worried. She finally did get a cell phone and I didn't buy it for her. I didn't even try to call her. I think the best thing for me to do is nothing at this point. What do you think?

Thank you for listening and for being here for me when I need somone to talk to.

Lo

marle 03-27-2008 08:26 AM

You set your boundary and she broke it. This is her problem, not yours. She must find her way and, at least for me, it is easier to not have a front row seat. You say you are struggling. That struggle is yours to own and yours to make better. Maybe with her out of the house, you can truly begin that process. Hugs, Marle

Impurrfect 03-27-2008 08:35 AM

(((Lo))))

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but I think you are doing the right thing.

Please remember, that we A's make a choice to use...whether it's our DOC or something else. She may TELL you that kicking her out is going to make her go back to using, but I can assure you that's not true. If she wants to numb herself out, she will use anything as an excuse until she accepts the fact that she's an addict.

You absolutely have the right to make the rules in your house and enforce them. It's not like you haven't given her a chance, because you have.

Most of us addicts only learn lessons the hard way...for some of us it takes a while.

She's going to do what she's going to do....no matter what you do, so sticking to your boundaries and taking care of you is the best thing you can do.

I know this has to be hard on you, but take it from this RA....you're doing the right thing.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

sailorjohn 03-27-2008 08:46 AM


Originally Posted by Lobo (Post 1720943)
Friends,

I will not and cannot go through another addiction with her. I lived through the dysfunction of her drug addiction and I cannot live through an alcohol addiction. I would like to think that by me kicking her out that she might think twice about what she is doing to herself. I don't know where she will go. I feel like I am risking that this could cause her more problems and take her down more than she already is. I'm just so confused and scared about what this will do to her.

After I told her she had to find a new place to live she did not come home last night and did not call. I didn't even try to call her. I think the best thing for me to do is nothing at this point. What do you think?

Thank you for listening and for being here for me when I need someone to talk to.

Lo

You did the exact right thing, you inspire me. Hopefully what it will do is help her find a bottom. I'm taking my relationship with my exabpgf one day at a time, if I can do the right thing today-stay out of her life-I've done well.

BindereDunnat 03-27-2008 08:53 AM

I have to agree with others and assure you that you did the right thing. You have to be able to have your boundaries, and have them respected. If there are no consequences, she'll keep crossing your boundaries, a bit more and more each time- however much she can get away with. What she chooses to do is not within your control. What you allow under your roof definitely is.

Stay strong, and keep the faith.

hope213 03-27-2008 09:00 AM

sorry she is doing this. you did the right thing.her choice is her choice. you set the boundy & she broke it. i hope she finds her way. hugs & prayers,

Lobo 03-27-2008 09:00 AM

Marle,
You are right it is her problem and not mine. Sometimes I think I spend so much of myself trying to keep her on the right path and it doesn't work. It seems she is gonna do what she is gonna do. It just that since she had been doing well, she looks so much better and that makes me feel better. I have to be honest that sometimes when I feel like I am saving her I am actually saving myself. Does that make sense?

Lobo 03-27-2008 09:02 AM

Impurrfect,
I think she thrives on learning everything the hard way. Not just her addictions but everything. Having a child like that is so difficult and hard to watch. Sometimes I just want to give up.

Lobo 03-27-2008 09:04 AM

Sailor,
I'm glad to be an inspiration by sticking to my boundaries. Believe me, I have been doing this for 7 yrs. now and I guess I am a slow learner. I just never wanted to give up. In doing so I am killing myself.

Lobo 03-27-2008 09:05 AM

Binder,
I have given her many, many chances. She has broken boundaries before, but I can't allow it anymore because she will just keep crossing the line and I can't take it anymore.

Lobo 03-27-2008 09:10 AM

Anvil,
Boy, you said it all. We are very emeshed in each others lives. Very intertwined. I do have to set her free as much as it scares me, I would probably be doing her a favor.

I think I stayed more connected because of her bi polar. Making sure she keeps her pdoc app. and taking her meds. Anything to keep her on the right track. What if all of that falls by the way side? Part of me will feel guilty because I am not helping her.

sailorjohn 03-27-2008 09:15 AM


Originally Posted by Lobo (Post 1720993)
Sailor,
I'm glad to be an inspiration by sticking to my boundaries. Believe me, I have been doing this for 7 yrs. now and I guess I am a slow learner. I just never wanted to give up. In doing so I am killing myself.

Well, they tell me it's a process. She's used everything in her arsenal to reel me back in the past, threatening suicide, her kids. Sometimes, she didn't even have to toss a hook, I'd just jump back in the boat. I'm trying to do what they tell me here and everywhere else, I'm not giving up, I'm letting go. I still love her, trying to make sure that my words-I love you-conform to my actions. If I do love her I will stop assisting her suicide. My thoughts and prayers to you bro.

cece 03-27-2008 09:31 AM

((((LOBO)))))

I "THINK" I know where you are in this Because I struggle with this also.
I feel it gets harder to detach after they have some recovery under their belt. We start to see what we tend to call "normal" behavior in them so we take off our recovery hat a little and put on our plain ole mom hat. Because of this we let down our defense walls that we had put up to handle their addicted behaviors. This can be good in many ways.
But, if/when these behaviors come back it tends to shock us more even as we are surprised to find we can still be shocked and surprised by it.
With me, the relapse of my AS seemed to hit me quicker, maybe it was because the first time, had me watching a slow progress into addiction that had me sliding slowly out of denial and into reality(?) t
The second time with me I knew the signs and so was hit pretty quickly.
ALL the emotions of the first battle came back all at once. neither I nor the Addict had a chance to escape my emotions when faced with that assault on my brain.
I had thought I was in such a good place and was on top of my recovery.Hmmmm.
all that fear, frustration, disappointment, and especially anger and HOPELESSNESS came back.
even as I knew relapses happen, I must have thought the first time was my AS best chance at getting this.
All these feelings seemed to override so much of my recovery. I had to go to lots of meetings, read lots of Literature and give it all back to my HP. the good thing was that it came back to me pretty quickly.
It sounds like you are doing so much better than I did.
you immediately knew a boundary had been crossed and addressed it. And your AD acted immediately as we have all learned is expected. ( They never say "thank you mom for enlightening me").
So you did good. Her avoiding you says so much. I have learned the angrier my AS is at my response to something usually shows how close I am to whats really going on.
and I know you know this but I'm going to say this anyways.
You cannot push her into a downward spiral into alcohol use so squash that Little voice.
Prayers for both of you. She'll get it when she's supposed to.
Cathy:praying

Done_With_It 03-27-2008 09:37 AM


Originally Posted by Lobo (Post 1720985)
Marle,
You are right it is her problem and not mine. Sometimes I think I spend so much of myself trying to keep her on the right path and it doesn't work. It seems she is gonna do what she is gonna do. It just that since she had been doing well, she looks so much better and that makes me feel better. I have to be honest that sometimes when I feel like I am saving her I am actually saving myself. Does that make sense?


My Mom and I used to be like that. That is hard, and unhealthy for both of you.
Best thing imo, is to learn to find happiness in yourself, no matter how she is doing. Takes the pressure of you both.

It took a lot of hard work for my Mom and I do learn to do that.

:ghug3

lostparent 03-27-2008 09:53 AM

I agree your doing the right thing as a parent I understand how hard it is for you. It maybe right but it still hurts you to do it. Sending hugs an prayers for both of you.

BigSis 03-27-2008 12:01 PM

(((Lobo))) You are on the right track, glad you stopped by.


I think I stayed more connected because of her bi polar. Making sure she keeps her pdoc app. and taking her meds. Anything to keep her on the right track. What if all of that falls by the way side? Part of me will feel guilty because I am not helping her.
Her HP allowed her to be Bi-Polar, trust Him to use this to take her where she needs to go. She has lessons to learn, and opportunities for growth - right in front of her.


So hard to keep out of the way.... lots more meetings are a help.

((hugs))

Freedom1990 03-27-2008 12:59 PM

There is nothing harder than a parent using tough love.

I had to hit an emotional bottom myself before I finally said enough is enough.

My oldest daughter is quite resourceful. When I showed her the door, she had found another place to stay within 24 hours. She's been doing that for years and years now.

Will she ever hit a bottom? I don't know.

What I do know is I have detached in more ways than one, and let God work his plan with her while I stay out of the way :)

peaceteach 03-27-2008 01:01 PM

Just praying for you, Lobo. This is such a hard way to face life at middle age. I am taking everyone's word for it that it is my HP's desire for me to be having this experience with my son as well.

I don't think enforcing your zero-tolerance boundary is giving up. I think it's having faith and turning it over to your daughter. Good luck, sweetie.


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