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I Told Her She Had To Find A New Place To Live

Old 03-28-2008, 09:53 PM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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Marle,
Thanks for the info. As soon as I get done answering these posts I'm going to google that. I'll also look for the book.

You've been a big help to me Marle.

Love and hugs...........Lo
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Old 03-28-2008, 09:55 PM
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Duet,

Thanks for the love, I need all I can get. You guys are the best.

Lo
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Old 03-28-2008, 10:02 PM
  # 63 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by marle View Post

p.s. I think sometimes we hold on past the time we should let go because we are so afraid that letting go will mean never seeing them again. We accept bad behavior because it is better than no behavior.

This is profound. Thank you.
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Old 03-29-2008, 06:50 PM
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(((Lobo)))
Us moms, well, we take this so hard, trying to save them, and help them, even when they have no respect for us, and treat us in a bad way. But then again, if we really think about it, they're addicts, they do what they do, and that's the bottom line.

The way I'm thinking about this is....you have done ALL that you can possibly do, now it is up to her to help herself.
It's heartbreaking, and frustrating, but prayers are about all you can give her now.


For now...start focusing on you. Pick up some extra meetings, a hobby, a womans group, ANYTHING to deflect your focus from her to YOU.

We CAN have children who are addicts, and still go on living our life, and being happy. Fake it, until you make it.

Hugs from one mom to another,
and prayers for you, and her.
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Old 03-29-2008, 07:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Lobo View Post

I can only hope that all of the pain that I am going through right now will pay off someday. I don't want her to 48 and still be a mess. One never knows. She is actually a lot better than she was a year ago. She got the drugs under control. It just scares me to think since she is an addict that if she continues to drink she could end up with another addiction. That is exactly why I have to stand firm on this.

Thank you. Hugs............Lo
It will pay off. By getting through it, you are subconsciously learning coping skills that will help you get through the next time you feel pain, Remember
in other times of pain you got through it so you can get through this.


I kind of see my past pain as a challenge that has now colored my life.
Each time I was in pain it eventually moved me to action.
The action produces results, results change us and make us into better, stronger people.
Where would I be now if it weren't for the pain I've had to deal with.


Probably in a ditch.


~~~~~~~~~~~

I found this one time, I really like it.

Pain is just an illusion. We just feel what we want to feel. Same goes we just see what we want to see. When we perceive pain, we start to ignore all the beauty all in our surrounding. We become blind. The ability to see pain as a kind of blessing rather that just a blessing in disguise will make us a stronger person. In the other hand, to see pain as a curse will lead to depression. I personally defy the blessing in disguise concept because we gambling of what we are not sure of. Gamble of hope. We might win or we might lose the game. But if pain itself is a winning condition we are betting on a sure win game. But again I myself never bet on the winning game but always gambling my hope to “blessing in disguise” bookmaker.




Sometimes I think our lives could be played out in a movie for Lifetime.
Sounds like we have a lot in common. When my daughter was younger she was always very independent and always said, "I'll do it myself". She never did the "I can't", it was more "I don't want to". When drugs got involved it was "I'll do what I want and you can't make me do anything". Tough, huh? She is very strong minded. I always tell her if she could put that negative energy into positive she could conquer the world.

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad we have each other to carry us through.

Sounds very familiar. It took me a lot of years of self destruction to be ready to use my head for positive.
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Old 03-29-2008, 10:44 PM
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(((((LOBO))))))
I hate it when they go sideways on us!! Especially when they have some recovery under their belt and we relax a bit.
Remember they scream the loudest when they are most unsure of what they are doing.
she hurts. And Yes, sadly, she has dealt with some pretty tough issues , but her best chance in life is facing them on her own.
My son went through a tough time ( about the same time he began his downward spiral). Soon after he became a teenager he realized how messed up his father was because I could no longer hide it from him. The pain he went through of disappointment and abandonment as well as abuse took its toll.
But he had many people who loved him and were there for him. I tried to "ease" the pain of the experience by giving him ways to escape it. By feeling sorry for him and putting up with way more **** than I should have.
But I couldn't: shield/fix/absorb, any of the pain he had to face and work through.
what I did try, didn't help. instead it prolonged the process.
He now has worked through his relationship with his father because I stayed out of it. I listened, got him a counselor, but beyond that, it was his journey.
He writes to his father(my wayyyy Ex)who is in prison for an alcoholic induced stabbing.(sigh) My son is handling it pretty maturely all considered. even without me.
We want so much to TAKE THE PAIN AWAY. (sigh) We can't do that any more than we can take the addiction away.
I have found that with all my "help" my son still resented it. He felt that it showed I had no faith in his ability to do this on his own. So even as he took the handouts, and even demanded them as his right, he told me later,that inside, his self-worth crumbled more and his resentment grew. ( Okay, I did have a hard time not yelling at that one considering all the guilt **** he spewed at me!):wtf2
I feel for you!
she knows you love her. she needs to know she can do this without you.
Keep working through this. We are here for you. hit a few extra meetings if time allows.
Praying for you both as you deal with this new detachment process.:praying
Cathy
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Old 03-30-2008, 10:21 AM
  # 67 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Lobo View Post
Grateful,
Sometimes I think our lives could be played out in a movie for Lifetime.
Sounds like we have a lot in common. When my daughter was younger she was always very independent and always said, "I'll do it myself". She never did the "I can't", it was more "I don't want to". When drugs got involved it was "I'll do what I want and you can't make me do anything". Tough, huh? She is very strong minded. I always tell her if she could put that negative energy into positive she could conquer the world.

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad we have each other to carry us through.
Actually, mine is very strong-minded, and I have realized in this journey just how strong she really is, and how manipulative as well...the helpless gig masks a young woman who will get someone else to do for her if possible before being forced to do it for herself...
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Old 03-30-2008, 05:47 PM
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Cece,
I think they do resent us for helping in some ways. I know myself when my husband was alive he always handled our financial affairs and I was never a part of it. Well, when he died I was faced with everything on my own. I jumped in with both feet and took charge. He was no longer there to tell me what I was doing wrong or how to do it his way. I felt really good about the way I handled things and it boosted my self esteem. I knew I could do it all along, but he had to get out of the way. Doesn't that scenario tell you something? When you have to do it, you just do it.

I just don't have a lot of faith in he because she hasn't proven to be very dependable.
I can only hope by me stepping out of the way she decides to swim instead of sink.

Hugs for you and your son...............Lo
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Old 03-31-2008, 08:55 AM
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I also think the addict resents us for their feelings. For example, I remember going to my daughter's psychologist appointment with her (her suggestion, not mine). In that session she turned on me and said, that I was her problem and only problem. It took me a long time to really understand what that meant as I took it way too personally. What she meant and I understand now is that when she was around me, it was not so easy to use drugs because she would be overwhelmed with guilt as to how she was hurting me. Being around me, she could see the worry and the pain that her illness was causing me. Today I understand that it was not about me, it was about her. And I also realize that if she is to get better, she must do it her way and without me hovering over her with that sense of worry, anxiety and doom. Hugs, Marle
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