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I Told Her She Had To Find A New Place To Live

Old 03-28-2008, 08:59 AM
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Book,
I know we can relate because they seem to be so much alike. Both on lithium, and alcohol. Thank your lucky stars that he doesn't live with you.

Thanks for the love and prayers
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Old 03-28-2008, 09:00 AM
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Sailor,
Youcan relate because you are where I am right now. It really sucks. And to think there are children involved breaks my heart.

Peace to you.
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Old 03-28-2008, 09:05 AM
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Spiritual,

I know that her moving out will not make me better but it will make me more comfortable.
I just wish she had a place to go. I still don't know what she is going to do. She doesn't have many friends anymore. Some of the people she hung out with before were no good and she doesn't bother with them anymore. A couple of the good ones have their own lives and she can't live with them. I wish she would go to rehab.

Thank you for your support.
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Old 03-28-2008, 09:06 AM
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Ann,
You always make so much sense to me and help me to see things the way I should.

Thank you Ann
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Old 03-28-2008, 09:08 AM
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Peace,
I am killing my spirit. When I tell her that her lifestyle is killing me, she tells me that is my problem. She just doesn't get it and I don't know if she ever will.
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Old 03-28-2008, 09:20 AM
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Frankly,
I couldn't express myself and what I feel any better than you have. I do feel like I want to be there for her because I wasn't there when she was 13 yrs. old because I didn't know then what I know now. I still think she hates me because I didn't protect her then.

One time Marle told me that they are two separate issues. In spite of what she had been through I still have to treat her addiction as anyone would who had an addicted child. There is the addiction and then there is the sexual abuse. Because of this combination it make it twice as difficult.

I do feel like I am cutting off my arms. I want to let her go, I just don't want her to hurt anymore. I don't want to be the one to hurt her. It is so sad. I can hardly type anymore. It's all starting to surface. The real pain of why our lives have been so destroyed. How much more pain can I take. I just want it to stop. Please God, make it stop. Please let her know that I would have protected her if I would have known.

Gotta go for now Frankly............I love you
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Old 03-28-2008, 09:33 AM
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"When I tell her that her lifestyle is killing me, she tells me that is my problem." She is right you know and doesn't that just **** you off at some level. My daughter has said the same thing to me and I have fought so hard to not accept that it is the truth. But our children were not put on this earth to make us happy and equally they were not put on this earth to "kill" us. They are responsible to themselves and we are responsible to ourselves. I know this is a hard concept to grasp because I still rail at the injustice of it. I really need this thread because I have forgotten some things that I need to look at again too. Hugs, Marle
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Old 03-28-2008, 10:57 AM
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[QUOTE=Lobo;1722117]
Frankly,
I couldn't express myself and what I feel any better than you have. I do feel like I want to be there for her because I wasn't there when she was 13 yrs. old because I didn't know then what I know now. I still think she hates me because I didn't protect her then.
You did protect her. You protected her from what you knew. Would you go to the doctor and get chemo if you did not have cancer? Would you ask for chemo? Maybe after you knew. But you don't give someone chemo is they don't have cancer. I'm saying, you couldn't have protected her if you did not know.
You did the best you could.... If you knew and then did nothing. then that would be not protecting her.



One time Marle told me that they are two separate issues. In spite of what she had been through I still have to treat her addiction as anyone would who had an addicted child. There is the addiction and then there is the sexual abuse. Because of this combination it make it twice as difficult.
I think so, her abusive tendencies probably have something to do w/the sexual abuse. From what I know, people often take their abuse and turn it inward or outward. Hurt themselves or people around them.
But in the end, still they are the ones who have to confront it, deal with it. They had no choices as a child, but as an adult their are choices.
She may feel like she still has no choices, and to me it sounds like that is what she thinks. You asking her or telling her to leave is going to make her realize, she is no longer helpless, she has choices today that she didn't have back then. She doesn't have to pick up a bottle every time she feels pain. We all have choices, but many people who have abuse histories don'e realize the choices they have.
(JUST MY EXPERIENCE AND WHAT I'VE LEARNED)

I do feel like I am cutting off my arms. I want to let her go, I just don't want her to hurt anymore. I don't want to be the one to hurt her.
She hurts herself. You don't hurt her, and the more she hurts you, the more she hurts herself.
The more she hurts the more self destructive she is going to be.



It is so sad. I can hardly type anymore. It's all starting to surface. The real pain of why our lives have been so destroyed. How much more pain can I take. I just want it to stop. Please God, make it stop. Please let her know that I would have protected her if I would have known.

Gotta go for now Frankly............I love you
She will learn/understand this. I think sometimes we need someone to be angry at besides ourselves in order to keep us sane, to save us from ourself. BUT...... That doesn't mean she blames you or thinks it's your fault deep down inside. It's just what her brain is doing. Facing up to what happened is going to take a lot of courage, and strength and it takes time to get there.

I'm not saying to be her punching bad, because the longer you allowe yourself to be, the worse it makes it for you, and the longer it lets her stay sick and in her head.
And it wasn't your fault, just like it wasn't her fault...

The Perps are the very sick people. Their time will come.

This isn't your fault.

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Old 03-28-2008, 01:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Lobo View Post
When she was going out the door, I said, "I don't think you'll ever be right until I am completely out of your life". She said, "I know that's true, because then you'll stop telling me what to do".

Funny thing is she never does anything that I tell her to do. I might as well be talking to the wall.

I am killing my spirit. When I tell her that her lifestyle is killing me, she tells me that is my problem. She dosen't get it and I don't know if she ever will.

(((((Lobo)))))

Been here, done this , bought the popcorn....
my AD also has bipolar, and I too was completely intertwined in her life,
actually, no , I was addicted....

I was so angry and felt such frustation, fear and betrayal..we had plenty of ugly scenes when she was living here.She was both physically and verbally abusive

It seems a lifetime ago, but when I read posts like yours my heart aches for you and my gut clenches remembering that hell.
Mine still uses but is slowly moving towards a life...Our relationship since I have changed , and established firm boundaries, has made a complete turnaround.

She still has not gotten help for her addiction but her drinking is much less and she now no longer does drugs, and because we are closer and she has made it clear our relationship is important to her, I have to be extra careful not to be pulled in to far emotionally.

She has many issues besides the addiction that she is dealing with, but I finally figured out what the thing between us is...she has all her life said "I can't" when things have been really challenging..and I have always swooped in...I don't know if it was because of the cancer, because in every other way our relationship and my parenting was healthy....I now see that she for all the hell her life has been , can not bring herself to fix it for herself...I see how "stuck" she is. As we speak she still looks around for me or her friends to fill the void emotionally, to carry her and if no one is around she turns to alcohol. Hates to be alone. She needs to get help and there is AA and a therapist available for her..It is up to her to make the call. I know now that she will eventually get there...

When I realized It wasn't my job to fix her but hers and how powerless I really am over her life and addiction, and that I was doing SO much damage by not getting out of the way and leaving her with the reality of sinking or swiming , I let go.

It was the "I was in the way and preventing her from experiencing her own consequences and learning to stand on her own two feet," that really woke me up.
The words you daughter uttered to you I think are very revealing, as well as hurtful.
I remember how I ran around after my daughter making myself crazy , trying to get her to deal with her life. When she was mean and hurtful it was her addiction, her shame about it and her defense talking most of the time.
I now understand that it is her life and her timetable. It took me a long time to get all that. Only after I stepped away let go and months passed before our relationship changed and she started to shift and that was a bonus and this was after seven years of hell. Now ...I know how to help her and that gives me some peace. Helping her = stepping away and let her figure it out for herself.
You are right , you are killing your spirit ............unless you step away. Its up to her and all our begging an pleading falls on deaf ears. She needs to figure it out on her own and you deserve some peace now. There is so much I could say about the hell that WAS my life and the peace I have now in comparison but i don't want to monopulize(sp?) this thread.
I just want you to know that it will get better, take care of you, you know, let go or be dragged.....have some faith, you said she is doing better, that is good and gives us hope, remember it is her timetable......
pm me sometime if you would like...my love and prayers to you.. Lobo..............grateful

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Old 03-28-2008, 06:13 PM
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((Lobo))

Hun, what I am gently trying to say, is it seems that you are carrying a huge guilt for something that you could not have prevented, something that isn't yours to carry. You did everything and then some, there was no possible way for you to know. Yet, I think that because of that guilt that you hold on to, it's making it hard on you to stand by your bounderies. It's making it even harder for you to grab on to happiness for YOU.

I was that abused child. At the ripe old age of 6, I told my Dad. I wanted to protect my sister and I didn't want to be hurt any more. It had been going on from my very first memories of about 3. I never blamed my Dad or my Mom. It wasn't their fault. What happened to me after I told my Dad, those are the things I felt he was responsible for. He didn't support me, he wasn't there for me and even abandonded me to more abuse.

You have been a good Mom. But your daughter may be using your self inflicted guilt to manipulate and play you. The best thing in the world for you and your daughter is for you to not let her do it any more.

I don't mean to be trying to tell you what to do, I just don't want you to hurt any more. Your daughter is a survivor, she is going to be alright. You are too Lobo.

Hugs and Prayers
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Old 03-28-2008, 06:27 PM
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You parents have such a difficult road. But, you know, you are soooooo doing the right thing! IMO anyway. I have no children, but if I had parents like you! Actively doing the right thing, or trying to! Oh - you are a gift, she just doesn't know it yet. I just want to hug each and every one of you everytime I read from you!

Married to an A, I think, what if his parents had done something different? What if they had taken the hard road first with him? Maybe - and I know it's a big maybe -but maybe he might have learned before he was 48 and still struggling with acceptance and walking the road he is walking. Now, he is losing his wife, he is isolated from his parents and family, he is walking head on to the headlights and doesn't see it. It's not his parents fault, I know they did the best they could with what they knew. I'm not blaming. Just trying to point out, that you are helping her learn to have a more fulfilling life down the road, but it's still her choice if chooses to accept the assignment!

Big hugs to you! It sounds so difficult, and at the same time your own recovery is a beacon! You're a good mom!
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Old 03-28-2008, 07:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Lobo View Post
I think the best thing for me to do is nothing at this point. What do you think?
I think you're right. Sometimes, nothing is the hardest thing to do, isn't it? You are a good mom and you are doing a good job! Be gentle on yourself! WE love you!!
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Old 03-28-2008, 08:35 PM
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Lobo, Google the Karpman Drama Triangle. It shows how we keep putting ourselves into the position of being abused because we think that we can rescue our kids. It was something that really helped me to understand my part in my daughter's drama. A book that also helped me was "Mothers of Difficult Daughters" because even before addiction, my daughter was so needy and fit the description of the "dependant daughter".Hugs, Marle
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Old 03-28-2008, 09:19 PM
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Done,
You are so wise for your years. Everything you say makes so much sense to me. She did tell me today that she was sorry for talking to me like she did and that she is just so angry and she is taking out on me. I knew that was what she was doing, but it still hurt like hell. I also told her that even though that is the case she cannot disrespect me like that. She did tell me that it hurts her when she does that to me.

I am really listening to you because you know this first hand from experience.

Thanks for being here for me sweetheart...............Lo
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Old 03-28-2008, 09:25 PM
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Marle,
I glad this thread is helping you to come to terms with some things. Yes I really get ticked off when I tell her her lifestyle is killing me and she says that is my problem. They just don't realize what an negative impact all of this stuff has on mothers. How can it not........can anyone tell me that? I think you'd have to be kind of a zombie for this stuff not to affect you.

I know we are responsible for ourselves the same way they are responsible for theirselves, but really how many of us are not affected in some way?
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Old 03-28-2008, 09:35 PM
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Grateful,
Sometimes I think our lives could be played out in a movie for Lifetime.
Sounds like we have a lot in common. When my daughter was younger she was always very independent and always said, "I'll do it myself". She never did the "I can't", it was more "I don't want to". When drugs got involved it was "I'll do what I want and you can't make me do anything". Tough, huh? She is very strong minded. I always tell her if she could put that negative energy into positive she could conquer the world.

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad we have each other to carry us through.
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Old 03-28-2008, 09:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Lobo View Post
Grateful,
Sometimes I think our lives could be played out in a movie for Lifetime.
Sounds like we have a lot in common. When my daughter was younger she was always very independent and always said, "I'll do it myself". She never did the "I can't", it was more "I don't want to". When drugs got involved it was "I'll do what I want and you can't make me do anything". Tough, huh? She is very strong minded. I always tell her if she could put that negative energy into positive she could conquer the world.

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad we have each other to carry us through.
Me too...:ghug3
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Old 03-28-2008, 09:44 PM
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Frankly,
You are so right about her manipulating me. She can play me like a fiddle. I have gotten a lot smarter though. I was just telling my sister that Jen will always find an enabler because she is so cute......my sister agreed. Because of the guilt I do have a hard time sticking to my boundaries. That is where the two things that are going on here get intertwined.

I understand you have bad feelings toward you dad for not doing anything after you told him. I just want to hug the precious little girl in you. You're wonderful.
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Old 03-28-2008, 09:50 PM
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Codeinewife,

I can only hope that all of the pain that I am going through right now will pay off someday. I don't want her to 48 and still be a mess. One never knows. She is actually a lot better than she was a year ago. She got the drugs under control. It just scares me to think since she is an addict that if she continues to drink she could end up with another addiction. That is exactly why I have to stand firm on this.

Thank you. Hugs............Lo
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Old 03-28-2008, 09:51 PM
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Lobo,

My heart goes out to you. I pray for the best for both of you. But I do want to say that from what I have read, you are an awesome parent, dealing with a terribly difficult situation.

---Rica
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