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I Told Her She Had To Find A New Place To Live

Old 03-27-2008, 03:16 PM
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Boy, way to go Anvil's mom. I know how hurt she must have been. I think it hurts us moms more than them. It's just that I have been so good to that girl, you have no idea.
Everyone always tells her how awesome her mom is. Will she ever learn before I die. Sometime I think the only time she will straighten up is when I am gone. I have 3 children and none of them has ever done to me what she has done. None of them has ever talked to me the way she has. She has absolutely no regard for me. Part of me hates her. I hate what she has become.
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Old 03-27-2008, 03:22 PM
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Impurrfect,
Thank you for being here for me. I am a mixed bag of emotions. At first I was so mad I just wanted to punch her. Now I am shakey and I can feel the tears starting to come.
I think she pushed me over the edge when she got in my face and called me a piece of s--t. I never called her a name, I didn't punch her, but I did yell at her to get out of my house. I have a really bad headache. At my age I just want peace.
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Old 03-27-2008, 03:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Lobo View Post
I'm supposed to go out line dancing tonight with my friends and I don't even feel like going. I'm just so distraught over all of this. How can things be so good for so long and then the old monster that she is returns. I just don't get it.

This is exactly why you did the right thing.

This is why she should not be around you.

It's hard, very hard to learn how not let others affect us, our feelings.

But one thing we can do on our journey to learning, is decide who and
what we will accept in our life, and what we will tolerate.

I've learned it's up to me to live my best life, and that includes surrounding myself by people who are good for me, healthy people.

I know all about leaving behind family members I love, that's why I moved far far away, lol....

You have the right to be happy and healthy, and not let others bring you down.
Demand Respect from people... Especially your own kids..

Your doing the right: thing!

And GO LINE DANCING TONIGHT!

You'll feel so much better!
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Old 03-27-2008, 03:26 PM
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(((Lo)))

And you DESERVE peace!! I know of the 2 times I've come to SR shaking and crying, it was a mixture of anger, hurt, fear...pretty much every emotion you can think of at one time. Just imagine your own little army standing behind you....sounds silly, but darned if it doesn't help me when I need a little extra support!
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Old 03-27-2008, 03:33 PM
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Look how good you have been to her and she still calls you names and disrespects you. In other words, you have no power over how she will act towards you. At Christmas time my daughter and I were getting along fine and when she did not contact me for 6 weeks after that I contacted her. She told me that she did not think that we were getting along. Now I had bent over backwards to be a great mom during the holidays. That was when it hit me that how I acted towards her had nothing to do with how she acted towards me. Maybe that works with normal people, but it don't mean sh*t to addicts So I realized that I needed to get on with the process of grieving what was no more and finally take that final step of letting go. It hurts me to see my daughter, it hurts me to not see her. It hurts me to talk to my daughter, it hurts me not to. I just had to realize which way hurt the most. And I think that you are starting to see that trying to stand in their way when they are hellbent on destruction does not work. But you had to try and that is okay. Now start taking care of you and let her have the dignity to do the same. Hugs, Marle

p.s. I think sometimes we hold on past the time we should let go because we are so afraid that letting go will mean never seeing them again. We accept bad behavior because it is better than no behavior.
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Old 03-27-2008, 03:53 PM
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Done,
I do know that she should not be around me. I don't think it will ever work with us. Like Anvil said we are too intertwined. As much as I hate her right now, that's how much I love her. It is too hard for me to watch her lifestyle. I don't agree with it, and that is why she can't live her anymore.

I'm thinking about going out with with the girls tonight.
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Old 03-27-2008, 04:06 PM
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Anvil, what a testimony. Sometimes that is what it takes for us to open our eyes. I guess some mother/daughter's never get it right. Especially when there is addiction involved. Saying that I don't think it can ever be right. I always wished I had the daughter that would do the movie and lunch. Maybe swap recipes and decorating ideas.
That relationship is only in my dreams. Sad but true.

A friend of hers just picked her up. I know him and he is straight. I think she just wanted to talk with someone. She said she is trying to figure out what to do and where to go. I told her is she plans on drinking tonight while she is out not to bother coming back because she will not be allowed in. If she needs a day or two to make a plan I will give her that but she cannot drink or use during that time as long as she is still here.
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Old 03-27-2008, 04:09 PM
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Okay, Lo, now get ready to go out with your friends. You've had a very stressful day, and you deserve some "me" time. Go out, kick your heels up and have fun...it's not only allowed, it's recommended. It doesn't mean you don't love Jen, it just means you love her enough to find her own way.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 03-27-2008, 04:10 PM
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Marle, No, I never know when she will turn on me. That is why it is so hard for us to be together. I refuse to walk on eggshells in my own home. Right now I feel like I hate her so much that I don't care where she ends up. After I have been so good to her and that is all I get. That's bull. Same as Megan, just when you thought that you would try to have somewhat of a relationship even under the circumstances and what did you get.
They are so ungrateful. Do you think they will ever appreciate us?
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Old 03-27-2008, 04:17 PM
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Impurrfect,
Just called my friend, it's a plan.....going out to do some some boot scootin'. The music always heals my soul.

When she was going out the door, I said, "I don't think you'll ever be right until I am completely out of your life". She said, "I know that's true, because then you'll stop telling me what to do".

Funny thing is she never does anything that I tell her to do. I might as well be talking to the wall.

Last edited by Lobo; 03-27-2008 at 04:38 PM.
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Old 03-27-2008, 04:35 PM
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I'm glad you're going out. I know music can always cheer me up. So, just for a few hours, enjoy yourself.

As far as being grateful, I know that when I was using, I took my family's love for granted. With recovery, I am very grateful. Whether she learns gratitude is another thing that's on her. YOU know you've done the best you can do...just like Marle and the other moms on here have done.

Just remember...Jen doesn't use to hurt you, she doesn't use because of anything you did wrong, she uses in spite of everything you did right (same for the rest of the moms here and their kids). As much as you love them, you just don't have the power to make them use.

Now....go have fun!
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Old 03-27-2008, 04:37 PM
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(((((((Lobo)))))))


Sending you prayers and a big mom to mom hug.
Even when we think they're doing better and they seem to
actually be "getting it", the monster (addiction) calls them back.
I've been there. Heck, I could be there tomorrow. Hence the saying...
One day at a time.
My son has been seeing a doctor and is taking lithium for bi-polar disorder.
This he found out on his own by explaining his symptoms to a "family" physician. Not a psychiatrist, like I told him to go see. That burns my butt that he's letting a general practitioner diagnose him bi-polar. He needs counseling and therapy. What do I know?
Yesterday, he called me at work, crying. Said he couldn't take the job he had for a week. Too much stress and it was causing anxiety attacks.
I give up. He needs professional help and swears he can't get that kind of help with no insurance. Says he's tried to get a medical card twice before and both times they refuse the medical card, but gave him food stamps for a month. Wtf? All I want is for him to feel normal without abusing drugs and alcohol. I think things are heading a bad way for him.
I'm with you. This sucks! I'm glad he's in the boonies and I'm in the city.
If he were here, I think I would let him suck me right down with him.
I'll pray for strength and perseverance for us both, 'k?
Love to you,
Linda


p.s. it took forever for me to be able to update and say how well i feel he's been doing. jumped the gun again, i guess. i think i'll just keep my mouth shut on his progess or spiral downward from now on.
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Old 03-27-2008, 07:36 PM
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Sometimes that is what it takes for us to open our eyes. I guess some mother/daughter's never get it right. Especially when there is addiction involved. Saying that I don't think it can ever be right. I always wished I had the daughter that would do the movie and lunch. Maybe swap recipes and decorating ideas.
That relationship is only in my dreams. Sad but true.


Sorry Lo, I am so sorry. Please call if you want to talk. I feel your pain.
susan
:ghug3
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Old 03-27-2008, 09:57 PM
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Lobo...Hope you are out with your friends and not in your head. So many wise words here...I can add nothing but any support, encouragement, hugs and love you need.
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Old 03-27-2008, 10:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Lobo View Post
Anvil,
Boy, you said it all. We are very emeshed in each others lives. Very intertwined. I do have to set her free as much as it scares me, I would probably be doing her a favor.

I think I stayed more connected because of her bi polar. Making sure she keeps her pdoc app. and taking her meds. Anything to keep her on the right track. What if all of that falls by the way side? Part of me will feel guilty because I am not helping her.
Wow. Missed this yesterday, but I'm fairly convinced that the ex is bipolar. About 18 months ago, I finally had that flash, the key to why I was so terribly attracted to her, she acted just like my bipolar alcoholic mother. Felt like driving off the bridge, quit drinking and went back to AA instead.


And she has never sought professional help, when her Mom tried to get her into rehab as a 16 year old she refused to talk to the intake people, they sent her away. When I broached the subject she said she 'wouldn't takes meds for the rest of her life' she prefers to self-medicate.

And the way she acts, best described on my end, when I'm with her I feel like I'm in a fog. I never know where she's coming from, non-stop projection, denial, avoidance. One of the worst things, the realization that if she doesn't get help, her 6 year old son is going to be JUST LIKE ME when he grows up. This sucks so much.
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Old 03-28-2008, 12:23 AM
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((Lobo))
When we have them at home, it becomes frustrating to see that they can't control their addiciton, nor can we. The futility of it all produces anxiety that becomes unbearable.
I was right where you are, just two months ago. I realized that my son could not live in my house any longer. It was making me crazy and I couldn't cope with the person I became. As his addiction progressed so did my anxiety.
Regaining our own serenity, stability and normalcy has to take a priority with us.
Focusing on them recovering will drive us crazy. That is for them to focus on when they are capable. Until that time, they have to live the consequences.
It is difficult not to feel bad about this situation, but you can't beat yourself up about it.
It sounds like it is time for you both to move on without sharing a home.
It may well be what is best for her too.
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Old 03-28-2008, 03:28 AM
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It's that front row seat to the drama that really does us in. We are so close we can feel it but we don't get to write the script or direct the actors and the front row seat is really the worst seat in the house.

Your thoughts are all rational and recovery filled, read what you posted and your doubts may fade.

You want respect and peace in your home...a healthy way to live.

You don't want to watch her destroy herself or make bad choices...we can't control it but we don't have to allow ourselves to be victimized by it either.

You set boundaries and stuck to them...way to go Lobo!!!

What might be anger early in recovery has turned to compassion...another healthy way to live. You know it's the addiction talking badly to you, you can detach with love and care what happens to her...and still let go and let God.

No advice from me today, it sounds like you're on a good track and just a little sad at clearing the debris.

Hugs and prayers for you and extra prayers for your daughter.
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Old 03-28-2008, 04:40 AM
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"it sounds like you're on a good track and just a little sad at clearing the debris." I like that Ann. It says it all. Hugs, Marle
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Old 03-28-2008, 04:41 AM
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It's that front row seat to the drama that really does us in. We are so close we can feel it but we don't get to write the script or direct the actors and the front row seat is really the worst seat in the house.

This is such an important statement, Ann. The damage watching a loved one try to self-medicate away their pain or believe they know better than the rest of the entire world will kill your own spirit right along with theirs. The love turns to anger, which is also self-damaging. Just too painful to bear, ultimately. When you give yourself the opportunity to not be that witness by separating physically from your A, the love can return and the compassionate soul can breathe again. It's just so difficult to make that final call as a parent and then stick with it. My prayers are with you this morning, Lobo. I hope you found a moment last night to just breathe.
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Old 03-28-2008, 07:37 AM
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((Lobo))

You have been through so much. You've not only hurt yourself, but you have hurt for your daughter. You've taken on a load for her. Please don't be hurt by what I'm about to say. It is only what I "see".

You have thrown yourself in front of the train to try to make things easier for her, better for her. Done out of love, but also out of your own feelings of wanting to make up to her for horrible things that happened to her. So you have sacraficed your life, your happiness. She doesn't see it, or appreciate it. She just uses it.

I believe that everything you have gone through with her to this point, was meant to happen just the way it did, for both of you. She needed you and you really needed her to walk through problems beyond addiction. But what needed to be done, has been done, the next step is painfull but it is also a growing step. You both have different paths that you need to follow. She needs to make her mistakes, so she can learn from them first hand, and grow from them. Even without addiction involved, she will never learn by being told, she has to experience it herself. Cutting those apron strings can feel like cutting off your own arms.

You though Lobo, have a life of your own. One that is not based soley on your kids. You have hopes and dreams that you have stuffed down so deep, it is hard to even remember them. But it is time my friend. It is time to start remembering. It is time to start looking at the things in your life that you need. The healing that you need apart from your daughter. The attention that your very own heart and soul needs. Your dreams need to blossom again.

I love you dearly Lobo. I feel a special connection to you and your daughter. I think you deserve a wonderful beautiful colorful life, with laughter and peace. It's time to turn all that sacrafice and attention onto yourself. You deserve it.

Hugs and Prayers
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