I have a dilemma
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 72
I have a dilemma
I strongly suspect my husband is stealing from his work to support his habit. This is the third time now that I have found what he calls "scraps" of copper in the trunk of his car. The first time I suspected he was stealing, he had a half bucket of copper nails in his trunk. When I questioned it, he said he took them out of the work truck, and didn't make it all the way in the shop with them, so put them in his trunk? He claims he took them back the next day.
When I asked his brother his thoughts (they work together), he said that their boss keeps very close tabs on that sort of thing and would notice if my husband was stealing.
The last time I found copper in his trunk and asked him about it, he said it was for his friend who also is in the same profession to use on his personal roof. He said they were scraps of "drip edge". He said they come in 10 or 12 foot (can't remember which) lengths and these were all about a foot long. Some did look pretty beat up. But tonight, he had about two dozen of these in his trunk and they look brand new, they don't look like scraps. And he had a whole whole lot of these in the work truck this past weekend when he borrowed it to bring it home (we are doing work on our house) as if they are materials they use on the job.
I know in the past he told me he had collected old copper nails from tear offs until he had enough to cash in so he could use it to get high. Now I'm wondering if he is going a step further and stealing usable materials. He seems to have been doing so well the last few weeks. I want to ask him about it again, but I'm afraid I won't believe him anyway. I want to ask his brother about it and if he confirms my suspicions, that this is not scrap metal, but stuff they use, I feel like I should tell his boss.
But is that really my place to do? Should I just leave it alone and let him work all this out for himself if that is really what is going on? I mean what if he is stealing, and I know about it, and I just ignore it...does that make me a thief too? HELP???
When I asked his brother his thoughts (they work together), he said that their boss keeps very close tabs on that sort of thing and would notice if my husband was stealing.
The last time I found copper in his trunk and asked him about it, he said it was for his friend who also is in the same profession to use on his personal roof. He said they were scraps of "drip edge". He said they come in 10 or 12 foot (can't remember which) lengths and these were all about a foot long. Some did look pretty beat up. But tonight, he had about two dozen of these in his trunk and they look brand new, they don't look like scraps. And he had a whole whole lot of these in the work truck this past weekend when he borrowed it to bring it home (we are doing work on our house) as if they are materials they use on the job.
I know in the past he told me he had collected old copper nails from tear offs until he had enough to cash in so he could use it to get high. Now I'm wondering if he is going a step further and stealing usable materials. He seems to have been doing so well the last few weeks. I want to ask him about it again, but I'm afraid I won't believe him anyway. I want to ask his brother about it and if he confirms my suspicions, that this is not scrap metal, but stuff they use, I feel like I should tell his boss.
But is that really my place to do? Should I just leave it alone and let him work all this out for himself if that is really what is going on? I mean what if he is stealing, and I know about it, and I just ignore it...does that make me a thief too? HELP???
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
crushed by crack..............
I dont know what to say either way on if you should say anything or not but I can tell you that in my husbands line of work.............we use cooper too and even the scrap metal belongs to the company...............
In our company the scrap metal is saved and at the end of the month taken to the scrap yard and the money goes back into the company.
Cooper is extremely expensive right now and what looks like alittle to you or me can actually be quite a bit of cash..............
The scrap yards are also having to enforce more rules like making copies of the license of the person turning in the scrap and if a company suspects a person of stealing they can get records to confirm from the scrap yards
many theifs are even pulling cooper out of homes and removing ac units to sell the scrap its so bad now..............
either way, it could very well come back on him, my opinion is hes an adult and you cant nor should be responsible for his actions......................maybe you could express your concern to him and set a boundary that he does not bring ANY scrap near your home or in the car or truck..............
sorry you have to deal with this
I dont know what to say either way on if you should say anything or not but I can tell you that in my husbands line of work.............we use cooper too and even the scrap metal belongs to the company...............
In our company the scrap metal is saved and at the end of the month taken to the scrap yard and the money goes back into the company.
Cooper is extremely expensive right now and what looks like alittle to you or me can actually be quite a bit of cash..............
The scrap yards are also having to enforce more rules like making copies of the license of the person turning in the scrap and if a company suspects a person of stealing they can get records to confirm from the scrap yards
many theifs are even pulling cooper out of homes and removing ac units to sell the scrap its so bad now..............
either way, it could very well come back on him, my opinion is hes an adult and you cant nor should be responsible for his actions......................maybe you could express your concern to him and set a boundary that he does not bring ANY scrap near your home or in the car or truck..............
sorry you have to deal with this
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
I feel like I should tell his boss.
But is that really my place to do?
Should I just leave it alone and let him work all this out for himself
if that is really what is going on?
I mean what if he is stealing,
Worse things have happened. This is his issue, which you are turning into yours...
and I know about it, and I just ignore it...does that make me a thief too? HELP???
Drugs take hostage anyone they can. Are you going to let them take you?
JMO, Just let life takes it's course, Live your life as the drug free person you are, and let him worry about what he is doing. Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I agree with the above. If he IS stealing, it will come down on him eventually. I don't think it would be a bad idea if you tell him not to be having it around your house. If the truck belongs to you, or your name is on it, I wouldn't want it laying around in the truck, either.
Copper thefts are HUGE down here, and the scrapyards have gotten together to fight back. Anyone who has copper stolen from them, notifies the scrapyards and they have caught 100's of people who have stolen it and are trying to sell it.
If this is making you feel uncomfortable (and it sounds like it is), you have every right to make a boundary. You don't have to justify it, or explain it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Copper thefts are HUGE down here, and the scrapyards have gotten together to fight back. Anyone who has copper stolen from them, notifies the scrapyards and they have caught 100's of people who have stolen it and are trying to sell it.
If this is making you feel uncomfortable (and it sounds like it is), you have every right to make a boundary. You don't have to justify it, or explain it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by CrushedbyCrack 
But is that really my place to do? Should I just leave it alone and let him work all this out for himself if that is really what is going on? I mean what if he is stealing, and I know about it, and I just ignore it...does that make me a thief too? HELP???
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Boise, ID
Posts: 56
I agree with Done- don't put yourself in the middle of this drama. Take care of yourself- try to get to some meetings and stay out of this. If he is stealing, he will eventually be caught. I also agree that you have the right to say you don't want it at your house or in any vehicle that you own.
Take care of yourself!
Take care of yourself!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: canada
Posts: 38
If you think he is stealing, you are probably very right! It is an expensive habit and the money has to come from somewhere! Do you have an obligation to tell them your suspisions-NO. They are only suspisions. Like you said if you ask he will only lie anyhow.
Is his addiction becoming worse lately? By that I mean more frequent, longer runs, missing work??
Is his addiction becoming worse lately? By that I mean more frequent, longer runs, missing work??
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
In the town I live in addicts are stealing wiring and copper pipes out of vacant homes waiting for foreclosure, its become a big issue.
Honestly though let life takes its course, just be prepared to refuse to help or assist him when he gets caught. IMO if you set boundaries of him not having it in his car or ect, he'll just hide it better. Try to stop looking and just let him fall. Thats the best you can do for him.
If he's taking it from work, I bet the boss is already watching, time will tell all
Honestly though let life takes its course, just be prepared to refuse to help or assist him when he gets caught. IMO if you set boundaries of him not having it in his car or ect, he'll just hide it better. Try to stop looking and just let him fall. Thats the best you can do for him.
If he's taking it from work, I bet the boss is already watching, time will tell all
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi crushed by crack, IMO, you need to deal with your own problem, ie. you are married to a crack addict that you can't trust, and let your crack addicted husband deal with his problems.
Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.
Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 472
He will get caught sooner or later. Scrap metal is a big thing in this state. More is stolen than gets used on construction jobs. Scrap yards do keep records-at least the honest ones. Two yards got busted for having meth labs a couple months ago. Eventually, they all get caught.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: canada
Posts: 38
Oh man I would love to tell you to just get out of the relationship, run like your hair is on fire. But I too was right where you are and had no idea of the magnitude of his life choices. Believe me it took 12 horrible years to get out and I have the scars that will last a life time. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Keep on reading, educate yourself the best you can so you can make the best decisions for YOU and YOU alone!!!
Take Care
Take Care
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by CrushedbyCrack
But is that really my place to do? Should I just leave it alone and let him work all this out for himself if that is really what is going on? I mean what if he is stealing, and I know about it, and I just ignore it...does that make me a thief too? HELP???
Who told you this is the best you deserve? And where are they now, so I can kick the poop out of them?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 72
In answer to questions in this thread..the truck belongs to his work, his boss (the owner) let him borrow it over the weekend to do some work on our house.
The place I found the scrap metal was in the trunk of his car which is in his name but parked in our garage which is in OUR name. I don't think they will suspect anything at the scrap yard, because my husband is the FOREMAN at his work which is probably why he's getting away with it if he is stealing this stuff...he probably accounts for it somehow in his paperwork for each job. And his boss knows about his habit.
To Bean's question, his habit seems to have stopped three weeks ago, as far as I can tell...it's just the copper that makes me suspicious, but as far as his behavior, it's been normal, not like when he was using. He hasn't been taking money out of his paychecks like he did when he was using....which is what makes me suspicious of the stealing thing. That would be the only way he could be purchasing it....by stealing. He gets no money from me and gives me his paychecks. But back to the behavior part of it...his behavior is not that of a crack addict the last three weeks.
What I'm feeling is worry and anxiety; I need to refocus. I do not condone my husband's behavior, but I do try (try being the key word here) to love him unconditionally and remember that he has a disease and he is an addict. I'm willing to stay with him at this point because I love him and there is way more good from him than bad (90:10 ratio). I'm trying real hard to let him work on him and me focus on me, unlike in the past when I tried to control his addiction.
Anyway, I decided to let this one go, didn't mention it to him, didn't mention it to his brother or his boss. It helped me last night when I was feeling confrontational to get online and post rather than confront him. I'm glad I did because it allowed me to step back and really think about whether it was really necessary. Thanks for all of your responses.
The place I found the scrap metal was in the trunk of his car which is in his name but parked in our garage which is in OUR name. I don't think they will suspect anything at the scrap yard, because my husband is the FOREMAN at his work which is probably why he's getting away with it if he is stealing this stuff...he probably accounts for it somehow in his paperwork for each job. And his boss knows about his habit.
To Bean's question, his habit seems to have stopped three weeks ago, as far as I can tell...it's just the copper that makes me suspicious, but as far as his behavior, it's been normal, not like when he was using. He hasn't been taking money out of his paychecks like he did when he was using....which is what makes me suspicious of the stealing thing. That would be the only way he could be purchasing it....by stealing. He gets no money from me and gives me his paychecks. But back to the behavior part of it...his behavior is not that of a crack addict the last three weeks.
What I'm feeling is worry and anxiety; I need to refocus. I do not condone my husband's behavior, but I do try (try being the key word here) to love him unconditionally and remember that he has a disease and he is an addict. I'm willing to stay with him at this point because I love him and there is way more good from him than bad (90:10 ratio). I'm trying real hard to let him work on him and me focus on me, unlike in the past when I tried to control his addiction.
Anyway, I decided to let this one go, didn't mention it to him, didn't mention it to his brother or his boss. It helped me last night when I was feeling confrontational to get online and post rather than confront him. I'm glad I did because it allowed me to step back and really think about whether it was really necessary. Thanks for all of your responses.
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