Need help with forgiveness
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Washington
Posts: 2
Need help with forgiveness
Hello, I'm new here and so glad I've found you, what a great place. I'm sure my problem isn't unique, but I'll give you a little background. About 5 years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and was going through chemo and surgery and the works and left with a lot of pain. I discovered at the time that a very close friend of mine at the time, while helping me, had been stealing my pain pills. I was heartbroken, of course, and though tried to work through it with her, found that she was a very broken person, and as a tough-love move was forced to cut her out of my life. As a heart breaking aside, she recently died from what is believed to be an accidental overdose.
Throughout this ordeal, I leaned heavily on my best friend, who had been stuggling with alcoholism for years, but never had any problem with other substances. He saw how it ripped my heart out and how I suffered and how much I needed those pain meds, as he was one of my main support people. I'm sure you can see where this is going, but I need to say that never, in a million years would I have ever guessed he would ever have done this. When pills began missing, I started doubting my own sanity, and he sat there and let me cry my eyes out, thinking that I was losing my mind. My own husband thought that maybe he should start doling out my pills for me because obviously I wasn't capable of handling it- the thought of our friend doing it was so far from our minds.
So, having this happen to me twice, by two very close friends, of course screws with my trust of people, but we've smartened up and got a safe, not to protect us from burglars, but our friends.
What I'm needing help with is maybe some guidance from some of you who have been there, in how to truly forgive when someone has done something like this. I do have to say, that my friend has handled it very well. When I confronted him on it, he admitted it right away, called his sponser to work out his best plan, got into counselling, wrote me a letter admitting to everything he stole to the best of his knowledge and has been open, and accepts responsibility, and even has accepted that he may have destroyed things between us, but is willing to do whatever I ask to help fix things. He's never shied away from any questions.
I guess it's just hard, as it isn't like he was a junkie, when he had taken pills from me the first time, he was stone-cold sober, and he hadn't really taken pills too much before that, he was a recovered alcoholic. It's hard to not see it as a choice that he made the first time he stole from me and that's kind of hard for me to get over. It's just confusing to me why, if he was going to fall off the wagon, he didn't raid the liquor cabinet, rather than choose something that would break my heart. I know an addict isn't thinking when they do things, but it's hard.
I am trying, and we are still close, but I don't feel the same about him as I did before. Were any of you able to get past your trust issues and hurt to truly move on?
Thanks so much for listening, I truly appreciate it.
LuckyJean
Throughout this ordeal, I leaned heavily on my best friend, who had been stuggling with alcoholism for years, but never had any problem with other substances. He saw how it ripped my heart out and how I suffered and how much I needed those pain meds, as he was one of my main support people. I'm sure you can see where this is going, but I need to say that never, in a million years would I have ever guessed he would ever have done this. When pills began missing, I started doubting my own sanity, and he sat there and let me cry my eyes out, thinking that I was losing my mind. My own husband thought that maybe he should start doling out my pills for me because obviously I wasn't capable of handling it- the thought of our friend doing it was so far from our minds.
So, having this happen to me twice, by two very close friends, of course screws with my trust of people, but we've smartened up and got a safe, not to protect us from burglars, but our friends.
What I'm needing help with is maybe some guidance from some of you who have been there, in how to truly forgive when someone has done something like this. I do have to say, that my friend has handled it very well. When I confronted him on it, he admitted it right away, called his sponser to work out his best plan, got into counselling, wrote me a letter admitting to everything he stole to the best of his knowledge and has been open, and accepts responsibility, and even has accepted that he may have destroyed things between us, but is willing to do whatever I ask to help fix things. He's never shied away from any questions.
I guess it's just hard, as it isn't like he was a junkie, when he had taken pills from me the first time, he was stone-cold sober, and he hadn't really taken pills too much before that, he was a recovered alcoholic. It's hard to not see it as a choice that he made the first time he stole from me and that's kind of hard for me to get over. It's just confusing to me why, if he was going to fall off the wagon, he didn't raid the liquor cabinet, rather than choose something that would break my heart. I know an addict isn't thinking when they do things, but it's hard.
I am trying, and we are still close, but I don't feel the same about him as I did before. Were any of you able to get past your trust issues and hurt to truly move on?
Thanks so much for listening, I truly appreciate it.
LuckyJean
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
WELCOME LuckyJean-
Wow! You face a difficult situation. I am no expert but I might suggest that TIME will probably be the greatest healer to make room for forgiveness. That being said, the part about regianing trust...maybe you will never look at this person the same way again or ever fully trust him - and that may have to be OK considering what has happened. You sound like a very good friend. You need to be sure to take care of yourself as well.
Wow! You face a difficult situation. I am no expert but I might suggest that TIME will probably be the greatest healer to make room for forgiveness. That being said, the part about regianing trust...maybe you will never look at this person the same way again or ever fully trust him - and that may have to be OK considering what has happened. You sound like a very good friend. You need to be sure to take care of yourself as well.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Hey ((((LuckyJean)))))
Welcome!
I think the fact that you want to forgive will put you on a path that leads to forgiveness. I don't know if there is a way to force yourself to forgive. Maybe your inner self knows something that your conscientiousness has not learned yet.
Main thing is don't beat yourself up over it. Keep posting I am sure others will be here soon to welcome you and to comment.
Welcome!
I think the fact that you want to forgive will put you on a path that leads to forgiveness. I don't know if there is a way to force yourself to forgive. Maybe your inner self knows something that your conscientiousness has not learned yet.
Main thing is don't beat yourself up over it. Keep posting I am sure others will be here soon to welcome you and to comment.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Northern California
Posts: 57
Hello and welcome,
I vaguely remember a line I came across when I was struggling to forgive my addict:
"I forgive you for causing me pain because I know what you did came from your pain. "
It probably was said better than that, but that's the gist. I love the sentiment, but I remember at the time, when my addict was still very active and still causing me pain, I was in no place to genuinely say it. But I recognized that it would be a wonderful thing to say, if I could get to a place where I really meant it.
Time has been the answer for me. Now I can say it and mean it; most addicts really are suffering terribly, and when we put some distance between ourselves and them, it becomes possible to have real compassion. But it may take a long time.
Take care.
I vaguely remember a line I came across when I was struggling to forgive my addict:
"I forgive you for causing me pain because I know what you did came from your pain. "
It probably was said better than that, but that's the gist. I love the sentiment, but I remember at the time, when my addict was still very active and still causing me pain, I was in no place to genuinely say it. But I recognized that it would be a wonderful thing to say, if I could get to a place where I really meant it.
Time has been the answer for me. Now I can say it and mean it; most addicts really are suffering terribly, and when we put some distance between ourselves and them, it becomes possible to have real compassion. But it may take a long time.
Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Washington
Posts: 2
Thanks, I really appreciate your support and replies. I do hope time and a willingness to forgive gets me there eventually. It is a friendship that is worth saving to me and I'm trying to focus on the near 15 years wonderful friendship rather than the betrayal, but like I said, things just don't feel the same. Part of that stems from having this happen twice, which isn't really his fault. It's helping to read about other addict's experiences on this website to understand what may have been going on in his mind. I do know that he would never "choose" to hurt me like this- addiction is a tricky disease. You never blame or resent someone for having cancer.
Thanks so much,
LuckyJean
Thanks so much,
LuckyJean
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Welcome
The burden of gaining back your trust is his to do.
Time and proper actions will do that.
As for forgiveness... we forgive so we don't carry around the bad feelings inside.
I can forgive someone but that doesn't mean I will give them my full trust right away. Once burnt twice shy or in my case most times... 10 times burned... as I tend to trust others more then maybe I should. I would rather forgive and live with the hopes that others have changed then hold tight to the hurt that can eat me up inside.
Proper actions over time help heal relationships. Boundaries used over time help us keep our space at peace and safe.
The burden of gaining back your trust is his to do.
Time and proper actions will do that.
As for forgiveness... we forgive so we don't carry around the bad feelings inside.
I can forgive someone but that doesn't mean I will give them my full trust right away. Once burnt twice shy or in my case most times... 10 times burned... as I tend to trust others more then maybe I should. I would rather forgive and live with the hopes that others have changed then hold tight to the hurt that can eat me up inside.
Proper actions over time help heal relationships. Boundaries used over time help us keep our space at peace and safe.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!!!
When I struggle with forgiving someone or letting go of something, I usually have to start by praying "to be willing to forgive". After a while of doing this, I can usually forgive or let go, but it takes time.
I'm a recovering addict, and haven't gotten to the point where I can forgive myself for my actions. As far as why he took the pills instead of turning to alcohol....our addict mind just doesn't make sense. He probably thought he could "get away" with numbing himself out with pills, and no one would notice, like they would if he turned to alcohol.
I'm sorry this happened, but I hope that if the friendship is worth saving, you will find a way to forgive. Forgiveness doesn't mean you forget what happened, and it doesn't mean you have to completely trust him again.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
When I struggle with forgiving someone or letting go of something, I usually have to start by praying "to be willing to forgive". After a while of doing this, I can usually forgive or let go, but it takes time.
I'm a recovering addict, and haven't gotten to the point where I can forgive myself for my actions. As far as why he took the pills instead of turning to alcohol....our addict mind just doesn't make sense. He probably thought he could "get away" with numbing himself out with pills, and no one would notice, like they would if he turned to alcohol.
I'm sorry this happened, but I hope that if the friendship is worth saving, you will find a way to forgive. Forgiveness doesn't mean you forget what happened, and it doesn't mean you have to completely trust him again.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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