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The Strength to Change it or the Strength to Leave

Old 03-26-2008, 08:42 AM
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The Strength to Change it or the Strength to Leave

I've been trying to change it for years. Too many years.. So I finally worked up the courage to LEAVE. It's been a long while since I've posted here- but I wanted to come back and ask a couple of questions of those of you who've been through it with an active, heavily addicted spouse. My husband's DOC is coke- he smokes it. (crack, purified coke, whatever he's been doing)

It's destroyed our family, terrorized our two beautiful children, and made a complete mess of our finances. ("Credit"??? HA!)

Now he's convinced his (fairly well-off) father that he can get thru treatment and fix it. His Dad, ever the businessman, has drawn up a plan for getting his dear son through rehab at Schick-Shadel in Seattle.

And dear Father in Law expects me to shoulder 40% of the expenses for it- while he and his ex wife each take care of 30%.

First question: Does anyone have experience with Schick Shadel? They claim to have a phenomenal success rate- but have your loved ones been there, done that, bought the tee shirt, and then gone right back to the same old same old? My hubby and his parents all seem to believe that 10 days in rehab, and he's gonna come out all better, our family will... bing! be magically back together and all will be right with the world once again.

I don't buy it. So if you have experiences you could share, please do. I apologize if this question has been asked and answered to death already- I didn't see a search function here on the board.

Actually, I guess that's my only question. I'll move from that right into my complaint, (and shameless solicitation for backup and moral support....) I have no desire to contribute even one thin dime to this "recovery" plan. For the past ten years (closer to 12, but I'll add up all the time he was sober and give him a little credit) I've paid with everything to try and keep our family afloat. All my jewelry, including my wedding set, anniversary ring, jewelry that other people had given the children, etc etc.. Anything of even marginal value (all the kids' DVDs, music CDs, players... you name it. And I'm sure you can.) have been sacrificed to his rampant addiction. We're emotional wrecks from living in the warzone created by his drug-induced psychosis.. It's not that I don't love him forever, or want to see him well. It's just that...I'm angry. And I gave at the office. I'm tapped out, and it's all I can do to keep it together for my kids, provide food and shelter for them, and try to save up for a car, since mine was repoed last year... Life in Hell. I don't have anything else to contribute to his cause.

Am I being a selfish, irrational bee word? Am I the bad guy here? Your insights and opinions are sincerely appreciated.
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Old 03-26-2008, 09:00 AM
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Welcome back to SR.

No you are not being irrational.

How about telling your FIL and his wife to go to Alanon and then give this as your answer:

I have no desire to contribute even one thin dime to this "recovery" plan. For the past ten years (closer to 12, but I'll add up all the time he was sober and give him a little credit) I've paid with everything to try and keep our family afloat. All my jewelry, including my wedding set, anniversary ring, jewelry that other people had given the children, etc etc.. Anything of even marginal value (all the kids' DVDs, music CDs, players... you name it. And I'm sure you can.) have been sacrificed to his rampant addiction. We're emotional wrecks from living in the warzone created by his drug-induced psychosis.. It's not that I don't love him forever, or want to see him well. It's just that...I'm angry. And I gave at the office. I'm tapped out, and it's all I can do to keep it together for my kids, provide food and shelter for them, and try to save up for a car, since mine was repoed last year... Life in Hell. I don't have anything else to contribute to his cause.
You can't say it any clearer than that.

Sometimes the "til death do us part is just not feasible." Especially when children are involved. Your priorities are to your children.

As far as Shick-Shadel is concerned, who knows. 10 days initially is not enough time, and there is much work to be done following initial rehab. If he is really really serious, tell him Salvation Army has an EXCELLENT program and it is FREE.

As to you contributing to his rehab, my personal opinion is NOPE don't do it. That money is needed to keep food on the table, hot and cold running water and a roof over your children's heads.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-26-2008, 09:07 AM
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Hi and welcome back. I have no experience with that particular rehab but my ex went to a 35 day rehab in 'Vancouver. I really thought that he would come home and be "fixed" and we could live happily ever after. NOT. He really seemed great while in there, said he loved beng sober, could finally think clearly, had nightmares about using (coke/crack). Said he couldn't wait to get home and start our new life together. As soon as he was home with the familiar triggers around he relapsed. again and again and again. It has been 18 months. We are now seperated. He is still trying to beat this thing, but I couldn't live with it anymore. I also love him forever, but can not live with him. the anxiety, mood swings, money missing, lies were effecting my mental and physical health, not to mention my kids being so confused as to what the H*ll was happening. He struggles everyday. I don't think you are at all selfish to want to get out of hell. You and your kids deserve peace and happiness. It is not your battle to fight. It is his and only his. I hope you find the strength to move on. It doesn't have to be forever, if he does get it together you can always date again...if YOU choose to. good luck!!
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Old 03-26-2008, 09:13 AM
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You are not irrational and you are not being the "B" word. Life with an addict can and will be hell on earth as the addiction progresses. It will drag any and everyone it can down with it including helpless children...it has no mercy.

You do what is right for you and the kids and what you are comfortable with doing.

My exah went to a 28 day rehab program 3 times...thank goodness not at my financial expense. His job has a great employee assistance unit and health insurance. Each time he came out he ended up using again...first time was after 5 months, second time was after a month, third time was after 8 months. His DOC was/is cocaine/crack by the way. I divorced him after his second stint. I personally couldn't do this yo-yo with him. Living with active addiction....you might as well slowly cut off each one of my limbs.

It took me a while but I realized that divorcing him didn't mean that I didn't love him anymore. I did and still do...through all he has put me through...I still love him but I know I can't live with him and I can't have a healthy relationship with him. And I definitey can't sit by and watch him slowly kill himself while his addiction slowly kills me in the process. The stress alone caused health problems in me.

Now when he uses it causes great sadness in me but not living with it has made a huge difference in my sanity and serenity.
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Old 03-26-2008, 09:36 AM
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I don't buy it. So if you have experiences you could share, please do. I apologize if this question has been asked and answered to death already- I didn't see a search function here on the board.


You don't have to apologize, we tell our stories because it helps us, we need to be reminded. I need to be reminded, I need to have it burned in my brain. I was raised to be a codependent by two alcoholic parents, I need to be told over and over again, there is NOTHING I can do. I can tell the other what I believe, they have to decide which way they want to go. I can stick around and enable them, or I can leave and hopefully they can find a bottom of some kind.

It is the most horrible thing I can think of, watching someone you love destroy themselves and know that there is nothing you can do about it. God help us all.
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Old 03-26-2008, 09:41 AM
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Thanks for your responses. They all pretty much echo what I've been feeling about the whole thing, but sometimes it's nice to hear it.

Laurie, thanks for the Al-Anon and Salvation Army suggestions. I'm definitely going to mention both. There have been many times I've been tempted to direct his parents here, so they can read other peoples' stories of struggling and coping- but I still don't think they'd "get it". They're both in their 60's, and they just don't have a concept of what it's like today. I suppose dropping a URL in an email wouldn't hurt. Thanks again for your support! (needed that today.)
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Old 03-26-2008, 09:46 AM
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Hi, and welcome back. I don't think we've met. My divorce from my exah of (almost)26 years was final a couple of weeks ago. I totally relate to everything you have said about being tapped out and done with it.

I agree with others above me-don't contribute. He made the mess, let him pay for it. I doubt it will do any good at all if he isn't taking 100% personal responsibility for everything, including paying for HIS rehab.

Personally, I don't think his parents need to be paying for it, either, but that's just me.....You don't give his age, but I'm guessing he is way past legal adulthood...

Tell them exactly what you told us, hold your head high, and keep putting one foot in front of the other and putting yourself and your kids first.
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Old 03-26-2008, 10:00 AM
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Originally Posted by BindereDunnat View Post
I've been trying to change it for years. Too many years.. So I finally worked up the courage to LEAVE.
Stay or leave... you would do better for yourself by finding change for yourself no matter what. Personal growth gives me a better way of life no matter what other people do. So stay or leave...but keep working on your own recovery and no matter what others do, you will find peace.
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Old 03-26-2008, 10:01 AM
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You have absolutly no finacial obligation to pay for his rehab. I am in the same boat. In the midst of seperation to my husband-addicted to crack We have 2 beautiful children. And now for the first time in 12yrs I am taking care of me and my children. i will not and cannot invest another penny or sleepless night into him. Explain that yes you do care for him, hope for recovery but you cannot pay for this. Your focus is on your children and yourself. Believe me I pray my husband gets clean, for the sake of his children. But I tell you it will be on his time and dime not mine!!!!
Sorry, it just sounds like were in the same spot right now. I have given that man 12yrs of my life and looking back the majority of them were hell on earth. When I think of the things I and my children have been through it makes it easier to say NO!!
Take Care you you and your children!
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Old 03-26-2008, 10:02 AM
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I think you are doing great! I don't blame you one bit for being completely done with his addiction. I hope you will stick by your plan for you and your children. Don't let anybody hold you responsible for your H's recovery that is up to him plain and simple.
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Old 03-26-2008, 02:59 PM
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Wow, nice research anvil!
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Old 03-26-2008, 03:45 PM
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I live right down the road from that place. I have a hard time believing what they advertise on the sides of the buses and on billboards around here - Give me 10 days and your drug and alcohol problems will be cured forever... hmmm.... doubt it. But my opinion is that if you want it bad enough, then anything will help.
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Old 03-26-2008, 06:36 PM
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I think that if he wants rehab, he can figure a way to do it, without your help. If his dad wants it so bad, let HIM foot the entire bill!

I am a recovering crack addict. I never did rehab. My dad offered to pay for one, but I knew I could get into a very good rehab for free....just didn't want it at the time. The only "rehab" I went to was jail....made me get clean in a hurry.

I quit smoking crack when I got tired of dealing with all the consequences of my using. After jail, I quit for a good long time, but was clean...NOT in recovery. I relapsed for a week, and I finally realized that I just don't want to do it any more. This time I'm working on recovery....I've changed how I deal with life (thanks, in great part to my friends here at SR).

I left my XABF behind, because he doesn't want to quit. He's perfectly content "hustling to get high". I still love him, but I refuse to let any man or drug bring me down again.

You and the kids deserve better than to be dragged down any more by his addiction.

Another thing, about aversion therapy. If aversion therapy worked so good, why didn't I quit the first time I got locked up....or beaten up...or had nowhere to go for the night? Just my opinion, but I don't think we quit until we darned good and ready. Rehab actually DOES help those who are at that point. But since it seems that his DAD is the one so gung-ho on getting him in rehab, sounds like the ADDICT is just going along for the ride.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 03-27-2008, 08:33 AM
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I also don't understand why, if it's so effective, people like Britney, Lindsey and Robert Jr don't go there, and finally be DONE with it. Certainly they can actually afford it.

I did email the Father in law with a carefully worded " I love him, but I've paid enough" email. The AH has been learning some catch phrases since I left, "it's in God's hands now.." and other similar lines, but I don't think he's actually focusing on staying clean. I can tell he's still using, even talking on the phone. I do want him well; I just don't think that there's anything left in my emotional savings account for him, even if he "fixes it".

That may change after he gets it together- who knows? He says he's going to get clean, then ask me to renew our vows. I didn't tell him that the very thought makes me cringe- I can't feature it right now. Might change, over time, if he "becomes" the man he was when I met him.

Duet 4-8 wondered about his age- yes, he's well past the "adult" age- he just turned 39.

Anyway, sorry to ramble, thanks, again for your support and encouragement. You're all doing a great job of helping others. I especially appreciate the persepctives of recovering addicts, because it really reinforces the belief that it CAN change, but it won't, on its own.
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Old 03-27-2008, 08:52 AM
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welcome back. you ask will this rehab cure him.answer, would any rehab cure him, only if he really wants it bad enough to work it. do not feel guilty about not paying. how do they expect you too? take care of you & your kids, you have nothing to feel guilty about. prayers for you, him & your kids.
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Old 03-27-2008, 09:52 AM
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Originally Posted by BindereDunnat View Post
I just don't think that there's anything left in my emotional savings account for him, even if he "fixes it".

That may change after he gets it together- who knows? He says he's going to get clean, then ask me to renew our vows. I didn't tell him that the very thought makes me cringe- I can't feature it right now. Might change, over time, if he "becomes" the man he was when I met him.

That is where I am as well. I think at this point (for me) so much damage has been done that the thought of getting back together does nothing for me! I know even if we did addiction and the chance of relapse would hang over our heads for the rest of our lives! My sanity could not handle that at this point!

Take Care!!
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