My first post. Please read.

Old 03-26-2008, 11:56 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
the girl can't help it
 
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((((((34022))))))


You are not a jerk. Reading your words probably makes a lot us wonder why we want to hear an apology

Is your dad receiving any kind of therapy? It kinda sounds like he may need some medical care. All the repeating words sounds like he may have an undiagnosed problem.

It is possible for you to detach with love from your dad. You can set boundaries with him. Maybe tell him you will listen to him talk for 10 minutes or until he starts repeating himself which ever comes first.

Do you have other siblings? What is your birth order? Do you work or go to school? What kind of activities do you participate in? I hope you are not isolating yourself from others. You deserve to be able to have a life. Often times people in your situation cut themselves off from the rest of the world because they feel like they are too different from others.

The isolation thing is one of the reasons why alanon is a good idea because it gives you a reason to get out. They will teach how to detach with love and help you understand yourself and give you tools to help you be who you are. Living in active addiction has a way of making us sick too. It is said that we even get sicker than them.

I grew up with an alcoholic dad and a drug addicted/over eating mom. I know if I had sought support that I would not have made some of the mistakes in my life that I have made. Cause many of the mistakes I made were because I did not know how to cope with my family's secretes.

I get angry sometimes that I need a support group to be able to cope with it all. But it is better than not dealing with it head on because I tend to go into denial and isolation if I don't seek help. Venting is good and has it's place but, it is not going to help me change. Yes I said I am the one who has to change. It seems unfair that they have this problem and now I have to change. Again living with it makes us sick too.

I think it is great that you have reached out. It is proof that you are strong. You seem to be a pretty good writer. You also seem very intelligent. Keep posting you will get thru this.
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Old 03-27-2008, 07:00 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Your dad didnt set out to purposely screw up your life. Took me many years to finally come to the realization as someone that had an alcoholic mother. I was fortunate that she did not develop a problem till I was around 17, I moved out shortly thereafter. She lost her job, her home and her marriage. It made me sick to be around her couldnt stand the babbling and crap that came with it. She never took responsibility it was always some ones elses fault. She would dump all her problems on me constantly anyone that would listen. I put up with it for years. All part of the addiction. Had I had had a site like this I think I would have handled things very different. You sound very mature and the fact that you are venting is a good think. The addict can make us just as sick as they are. Take time for you, if he is rambling even try a nice long walk sounds a bit silly but removing yourself from the situation sometimes helps keep us in tact. ((((( hugs))))
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Old 03-27-2008, 10:02 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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threeforty22;
Rambling about it is a good thing. you make perfect sense in your posts. i always re-read my posts and gain so much clarity in my thoughts by that.
so keep at it.
Living in the same house with your mom and dad with this HUGE elephant in the room is going to make you insanely crazy and a blow-up is around the corner for someone. this is the insanity of it all.
I "think" your dad will keep coming to you looking for: absolution, sympathy, care-taking etc.. until you set up that boundary with him. I am afraid he's going to keep seeking you out.( maybe it's worked for him in the past?)
If he keeps seeking you out, you are going to have to set up a boundary from that emotional garbage he is dumping on you. Tell him "you are not going to talk to him about it. He needs to work this out on his own." If he apologizes just say, " I don't need an apology. Get some help dad" . When he wants to talk about it you can say. "I can't help you with your alcohol or Meth problem Dad you need to talk to someone who does." You can tell him that you need your space from this. And then if he doesn't honor this you will have to separate yourself physically from it. Just hiding in your room and not stating these feelings allows them to continue their denial. you think the action is obvious. Addicts can't see things that way.
Again, I think you need at least your mom's help with this. no matter how weak you think she is, she is the wife and you are the daughter.
you are taking on a lot of other people's emotional needs which they should be turning elsewhere for. ( especially to themselves). and until you stop taking on this role they have no incentive to look elsewhere.
We have a saying here ," If you keep doing what you always do, you'll keep getting what you always get". "nothing changes if nothing changes" And you can only change yourself, and your reactions ,and your boundaries.
Believe me, you are in as much crisis in your brain as they are.
Still praying for you all.:praying
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Old 03-27-2008, 10:48 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Three... these posts are sooo wise. Look out for you and you MUST do something different to get a different result. Stay strong, hon even though it sucks that you are in this situation. Keep coming here and please talk to your Mom. I am praying for you.
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Old 03-27-2008, 10:53 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Three

A jerk? No, you seem to have an incredible handle on your feelings. Your justified feelings. Don't know how old you are, but you are no doubt mature beyond your years.

As the recovering addict in my family, my only "suggestion" is to not fear your feelings. If they come out, so be it. Continually pushing them down into your gut can make YOU unhealthy. Your dad doesn't need to be protected. Seriously. He may well benefit from a can of major whupass. What children have to say to us is often far more powerful than what our spouse tells us. It was for me.

I am in no way suggesting that you just "let it out." That is for you to decide. What I am suggesting is that, if you do let it out, regardless of what form it takes, do not regret it. Your feelings are justified. Marriage is a partnership, childhood isn't. A spouse can choose, children can't. You were entitled to something you didn't get.

My grown kids and I are at peace. I have their love and support. I somehow gave them a pretty good childhood. But nowhere near what I could have. They had all the "stuff" they needed (including 4 years of college) but they didn't have all of ME. I had a mistress that came in a sixpack.

I detect nothing irrational in your words. Nothing. Again, as a former principal and teacher, I suggest that in addition to all the "-anons" that you consider your school counseling services. They can be bad but they can also be very good. You might luck out and get some valuable support and understanding. You sound very capable of deciding if it is helpful or not.

You seem to know that no one here can say anything that will cause things to change. But we can listen. We can write of our own experience.

Composing your thoughts can be of help. They can help if and when you confront your Dad. His addiction, you wisely note, is all about HIM, the effects are all about YOU. Acceptance, sympathy, and understanding are far down the road, I think. As long as he is "medicating," he doesn't deserve them. What he needs to feel is the brunt of your well deserved and unmet needs.

Perhaps you are not ready for all this. Nothing wrong with that. Is there a place (relative, friend) where you might seek refuge? A way to get out of the present nightmare? You seem to be quite capable of taking care of business in the right environment. Just a suggestion.

Use the gifts you have to take care of yourself and your mother. Like someone said, there is an elephant in the room that ain't going away on its own, it seems. Together, you and Mom are stronger than you are alone.

warrens
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Old 03-27-2008, 11:48 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I have to separate the alcoholism/addiction from the person I love.

My mom is an alcoholic. Drunk, she was sloppy... in ways that are difficult to describe - personally unhygenic, filthy housekeeping, abominable living conditions, horrid clothing and bedding...

She was an embarrassment. She was nasty. She was senseless. She was immoral. I HATED that person.


Sober... she is one of the loveliest, kindest, sharpest, prettiest little pistols you'd ever want to meet.

In my mind, those are two separate people.

Just as an example, he'll call me at 4 in the morning sometimes and tell me the same story 6 times in one conversation. After the third or fourth time I keep saying, 'Yes I know, you told me that 3 times already. You just told me that. Yes I know.' It's like a broken record. I'll start to finish the story for him so he knows I've heard it, and he just agrees with me and finishes the story, then
Mine did this... and I reacted as you do.... trying to REASON with alcohol. What I have since learned (through dealing with my meth-addicted daughter) is that I have the RIGHT and RESPONSIBILITY to not listen to that stuff. I can kindly say, I hear you... good talking to you... I'll talk to you tomorrow....

Talking over the top of whatever they are saying.

And hang up.

And take the phone off the hook.


That is NOT mean. That is a boundary. And you have the right to that boundary. And a responsibility to the alcoholic to SHOW them your boundaries... every time.




Loving hugs (((hugs)))
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Old 03-27-2008, 11:54 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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I would imagine the reason why he keeps repeating himself is due to the fact he has had 2 strokes, diabetic,and years from drinking...his health isnt the greatest and with him having the 2 strokes, im guessing that why his memory isnt as sharp as before.
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Old 03-27-2008, 01:01 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Thanks for the continued responses. There are a lot of nice people here.

I just wanted to add, that maybe one of the worst parts in all this is the guilt. I've posted mainly when I was angry, which makes sense, that's the time you need to vent the most. My dad though, isn't always as awful as I'm making him out to be.. and I DO find myself getting mad at him for things that are unrelated. Even though he makes me so mad so often, I find it tough to take a hard stance when he really is so oblivious to the problem. It would seem cruel or something, even though I know it isn't. Really though, I'm not even past the initial shock of finding all this out.. so I think before I do anything anyway, I'm going to have to take a little more time to get myself together.

I know his memory problems and stuff probably do come from his health problems, but I also think his health problems come from years of abuse of drugs and alcohol, fatty salty foods, and immobility. I remember a long time ago he was making himself some food, I don't remember what it was, but I said 'That's not very good for you' and he said 'Do I look like someone who cares?' That really stuck with me.

Thanks everybody, there's really a lot of good advice here. I've been thinking a lot of things over.
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Old 03-27-2008, 03:04 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
the girl can't help it
 
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I would like to suggest that you are not your dad's doctor, priest, or counselor and you don't have to listen to him bubbler about how sorry he is. It sounds like he needs medical attention to me.

My parents wanted to force me into an adult role in our house hold of taking care of the younger kids, cooking, and laundry I resented the heck out of it. I was a kid and I wanted to be a kid. You have a right to enjoy your youth and not have to carry the burden of their guilt.
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Old 03-28-2008, 07:19 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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ThreeForty22,
Welcome to Sober Recovery, a wonderful place, with, as you can see, lots of support.

Now on to the topic of your dad.
IMHO, it doesn't change a thing. You know. You can't fix him. It answers alot of questions.
What I would do, seriously, if you feel that it has, in the past contaminated your relationship with your mom, sit down and talk with her.
It may be a relief to her, that you DO know, it must have been difficult for her to keep this hidden, and she was porbably worried for you all the time you were growing up.

JMO


Hugs,
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Old 03-31-2008, 01:11 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Just thought it might be time for an update. A couple of uncomfortable days went by, and I finally lost it and started yelling at him when he wouldn't let up with his stupid jokes. I say jokes, but they aren't really jokes.. it's hard to explain and doesn't really matter. I said I wasn't in the mood and he said something like 'I know but.." And I freaked out and started yelling 'No buts! I'm not in the f***ing mood! It never stops!' etc. Well he left me well enough alone for the rest of the day after a very awkward talk, then called me at 11pm and didn't leave me alone for 2 and a half hours, causing me to miss my favorite show. I know that doesn't seem like a big thing, but it is when it's the only thing you have to look forward to all day. I just wanted a peaceful Sunday. So I was short with him, but didn't yell again, and ended up getting to bed alright even if I was angry.

So today I wake up to the sound of sirens, and go downstairs to see my dad in the bedroom. He sleeps on the sofa, fyi. He says he thinks he had another stroke and he called 911. So off he goes, and now I'm sitting alone wondering why every single day has to be full of drama.
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Old 03-31-2008, 05:23 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
the girl can't help it
 
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(((34022)))

We can't really change someone else the only one we have total control is ourselves. We can control our thinking and our reactions. It might take a little focus but it is possible. I think you are doing the very best you can right now. Hang with us and you will learn stuff and it will come to you at just the right time. It is hard living with an addict. I think you seem like a really good person and I know you love your dad so don't beat yourself up ok?

Onetime my H got filthy nasty drunk and was falling down and trying to get me to give him some money to go buy some dope. I wanted to really let him have it but, I had promised myself I was going to act differently. As hard as it was to pass up the opportunity to slash him I just let it go and I left the room. He knew I was changing my attitude. It scared him so he tried really hard to invent some drama so I would take the bait and we could get back to the status quo. This put the responsibility for his actions squarley on his shoulders since I did not take the bait he could not twist it around to somehow be my fault that he was falling down drunk. Sometimes we just have to let it go so we can be at peace. Believe one more person at peace on this planet is a very big deal!
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