Update on addicted son's visit. and a big Thank you!
StrivingToThrive
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Update on addicted son's visit. and a big Thank you!
Thank you for walking with me this weekend. I felt you all.
So My son came down Thursday from Eugene for a weekend visit. It was a good time, stressful time, and growing time, for both of us.
Thank you all for your support and guidance beforehand. Your words echoed through my head constantly.It was important for me to go into this remembering to appreciate the good, let go of the bad, and accept it all.
The first couple of days went really great from my perspective. Then he went to a Drum Circle Late Friday night, smoked pot and did a little LSD. It hit him hard. He was up all night. He came home Sat am and explained what had happened that he was disappointed in himself, had the emotional backlash of a psychedelic, crying etc. and went to bed. .( It saddened, disappointed and angered me but didn't destroy me).
I just left for the day and reminded him that tonight was his Grandpa's 80th B-day and I was leaving for it at 4:00 pm with or without him.
He called me at 2:00 pm. and asked for my help. He said he had to get to his Grandpa's party or he wouldn't forgive himself but he needed my help, he couldn't stop crying, and was I able to come home? So I did with a lot of trepidation. I told him I wasn't sure what he wanted from me that he had to work this out himself. He explained that is was a bad trip which shouldn't have happened because of the tiny amount,( hmmm) because he shouldn't have went, and because he shouldn't have put it above his family. He didn't know why he did it. ( I used my Ohhh? here)
He explained he knew he was in a depressed state caused by it and he couldn't seem to talk himself out of it and would I just talk to him for awhile while he fought it off(?).
So I did.
Because I knew it would hurt my pops if my son was a no-show. Because I knew my EGO was involved, and I knew my son would be devastated later if he didn't do this.
Not sure if they are great reasons. (enabling?) Maybe I should have let him suffer that consequence. ( Then again maybe my HP was talking to me because the next 3 days were beautiful and insightful for us both.)
So I made coffee, made him a banana smoothie, ( figured no food for 12 hours wasn't helping). And listened. I did tell him he would be okay. I did only speak about positive things, (the gorgeous sunny day! etc.) but mostly listened. And he talked himself into a more peaceful state.
We went to the party and I enjoyed it. Everyone was very happy to see him but he was a little paranoid and worried about judgment. But it never came. The room was filled with nothing but love and he knew it.
Later that evening as we left. He thanked me and cried because he knew how close he came to really screwing this night up for us. I said, that no, he would have done that to himself, but not to me.
He was surprised I wasn't in my shut down mode where I usually get so angry and feel let down.
I think because of this he really opened up to me. We talked into the wee hours.He let his Bravado down and admitted he is a bit lost and struggling to find his way. Throughout the next 2 days he talked about his life . I mostly just listened . He said he has a awesome family ( which is a little different then his usual judgments) who love each other and he knows will always be there for him. He had forgotten this but could really see it at the party. He couldn't believe that he almost missed that.
I am sure he went back to Eugene and back to growing Medicinal pot (for profit).!
But I know for this weekend he felt different and wanted more of that feeling. He wasn't just saying these things for me because he knew I no longer needed that.
He did ask alot about me and what was going on in my life. (?)
But he is so lost and searching. I just kept saying if he keeps looking and praying his HP will help him find his way.He explained that this isn't who/what he wants to be/do for the rest of his life. He said he's 22 and its about time he grew up and looked toward the future. He wants a family someday and wants to find a better direction to do this with. And again, I just listened and told him to keep searching, his direction is out there.
But because I let my defenses down, I could see so much more beyond my usual judgments. I saw a son who has really come far in his recovery and self-reflection. And I had to admit even with the bad decision I enjoyed him:He is really a kind,loving, enjoyable, guy. We went to the beach, for walks, and just hung out.
So thanks again for your insight. Your words echoed a lot this weekend. And kept me in a better place to handle the good as well as the downers.
I felt a lot of growth for both of us.
Again, I'm not expecting big changes in him, only myself, my eyes are open to the choices he is making now, but I see the possibility in the little changes I did see.
thanks again for walking with me this weekend.
love Cathy
So My son came down Thursday from Eugene for a weekend visit. It was a good time, stressful time, and growing time, for both of us.
Thank you all for your support and guidance beforehand. Your words echoed through my head constantly.It was important for me to go into this remembering to appreciate the good, let go of the bad, and accept it all.
The first couple of days went really great from my perspective. Then he went to a Drum Circle Late Friday night, smoked pot and did a little LSD. It hit him hard. He was up all night. He came home Sat am and explained what had happened that he was disappointed in himself, had the emotional backlash of a psychedelic, crying etc. and went to bed. .( It saddened, disappointed and angered me but didn't destroy me).
I just left for the day and reminded him that tonight was his Grandpa's 80th B-day and I was leaving for it at 4:00 pm with or without him.
He called me at 2:00 pm. and asked for my help. He said he had to get to his Grandpa's party or he wouldn't forgive himself but he needed my help, he couldn't stop crying, and was I able to come home? So I did with a lot of trepidation. I told him I wasn't sure what he wanted from me that he had to work this out himself. He explained that is was a bad trip which shouldn't have happened because of the tiny amount,( hmmm) because he shouldn't have went, and because he shouldn't have put it above his family. He didn't know why he did it. ( I used my Ohhh? here)
He explained he knew he was in a depressed state caused by it and he couldn't seem to talk himself out of it and would I just talk to him for awhile while he fought it off(?).
So I did.
Because I knew it would hurt my pops if my son was a no-show. Because I knew my EGO was involved, and I knew my son would be devastated later if he didn't do this.
Not sure if they are great reasons. (enabling?) Maybe I should have let him suffer that consequence. ( Then again maybe my HP was talking to me because the next 3 days were beautiful and insightful for us both.)
So I made coffee, made him a banana smoothie, ( figured no food for 12 hours wasn't helping). And listened. I did tell him he would be okay. I did only speak about positive things, (the gorgeous sunny day! etc.) but mostly listened. And he talked himself into a more peaceful state.
We went to the party and I enjoyed it. Everyone was very happy to see him but he was a little paranoid and worried about judgment. But it never came. The room was filled with nothing but love and he knew it.
Later that evening as we left. He thanked me and cried because he knew how close he came to really screwing this night up for us. I said, that no, he would have done that to himself, but not to me.
He was surprised I wasn't in my shut down mode where I usually get so angry and feel let down.
I think because of this he really opened up to me. We talked into the wee hours.He let his Bravado down and admitted he is a bit lost and struggling to find his way. Throughout the next 2 days he talked about his life . I mostly just listened . He said he has a awesome family ( which is a little different then his usual judgments) who love each other and he knows will always be there for him. He had forgotten this but could really see it at the party. He couldn't believe that he almost missed that.
I am sure he went back to Eugene and back to growing Medicinal pot (for profit).!
But I know for this weekend he felt different and wanted more of that feeling. He wasn't just saying these things for me because he knew I no longer needed that.
He did ask alot about me and what was going on in my life. (?)
But he is so lost and searching. I just kept saying if he keeps looking and praying his HP will help him find his way.He explained that this isn't who/what he wants to be/do for the rest of his life. He said he's 22 and its about time he grew up and looked toward the future. He wants a family someday and wants to find a better direction to do this with. And again, I just listened and told him to keep searching, his direction is out there.
But because I let my defenses down, I could see so much more beyond my usual judgments. I saw a son who has really come far in his recovery and self-reflection. And I had to admit even with the bad decision I enjoyed him:He is really a kind,loving, enjoyable, guy. We went to the beach, for walks, and just hung out.
So thanks again for your insight. Your words echoed a lot this weekend. And kept me in a better place to handle the good as well as the downers.
I felt a lot of growth for both of us.
Again, I'm not expecting big changes in him, only myself, my eyes are open to the choices he is making now, but I see the possibility in the little changes I did see.
thanks again for walking with me this weekend.
love Cathy
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Reaching out to someone asking for help is not enabling so dump that thought right off.
Only thing I would think to add... At some point maybe have pointed out that answers are available at NA meetings if and when he wants them.... but then again he may already know that?
So glad to see you enjoyed your time even amoung what could have been a problem.
Prayers that he takes the love he had seen this weekend and thinks on it and uses it to open his eyes to what can be.
Only thing I would think to add... At some point maybe have pointed out that answers are available at NA meetings if and when he wants them.... but then again he may already know that?
So glad to see you enjoyed your time even amoung what could have been a problem.
Prayers that he takes the love he had seen this weekend and thinks on it and uses it to open his eyes to what can be.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by cece 
But because I let my defenses down, I could see so much more beyond my usual judgments.
StrivingToThrive
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
thanks Best and Chino.
Thank you for the support.
Its sad that as a parent I feel the need to question my desire to help my son. but it is a fact that I can and have enabled. in the past if he called I came running only to have the pattern repeat.
So this time I was nervous, at first, but felt called to do it this way and right or wrong aside, I am at peace with my decision.
Chino, I liked how your therapist put it.
And Best, yes, he has gone to NA meetings for other substance abuse. no longer attends and thinks pot and the occasional psychedelic doesn't count. He considers them non-addictive. ( although he was questioning that idea this weekend). Sometimes I think about the gentle reminder of NA but he knows it's there.
thank you for the prayers.
Thank you for the support.
Its sad that as a parent I feel the need to question my desire to help my son. but it is a fact that I can and have enabled. in the past if he called I came running only to have the pattern repeat.
So this time I was nervous, at first, but felt called to do it this way and right or wrong aside, I am at peace with my decision.
Chino, I liked how your therapist put it.
And Best, yes, he has gone to NA meetings for other substance abuse. no longer attends and thinks pot and the occasional psychedelic doesn't count. He considers them non-addictive. ( although he was questioning that idea this weekend). Sometimes I think about the gentle reminder of NA but he knows it's there.
thank you for the prayers.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by cece
Its sad that as a parent I feel the need to question my desire to help my son. but it is a fact that I can and have enabled. in the past if he called I came running only to have the pattern repeat.
I see asking for a handout as a place I could repeat my enabling.
Dad can I have $10?.... NO!
Dad, can you help me figure this out?...Yes.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
( It saddened, disappointed and angered me but didn't destroy me).
If you re-read your thread, you can see several ways it "could have" played out if your recovery had not brought you to such a good place. You could have had a great big steam-up yelling session that would have left you both exhausted, you could have reminded him 10000 times how screwed up what he did was...as if he didn't already know. Or you could handle it like you did, with love and detachment and letting him feel the consequences of his actions without totally destroying him.
In the end, it sounds like a great weekend, and minus the one incident it really was.
You're an inspiration and a great mom. And he sounds like a pretty great son too.
Hugs
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Cathy, so happy to hear you had a wonderful weekend with your son and the rest of your family.
Often for us to be satisfied ... it just takes us changing our perspective.
When we accept we can get closer.
You want to be closer to him and you are.
When we can Step out of the role as the parent and just be with our child, we don't have to worry about what their future holds, but instead enjoy the moment.
Thanks for the reminder.
Often for us to be satisfied ... it just takes us changing our perspective.
When we accept we can get closer.
You want to be closer to him and you are.
When we can Step out of the role as the parent and just be with our child, we don't have to worry about what their future holds, but instead enjoy the moment.
Thanks for the reminder.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((Cathy))))
Your post brought tears to my eyes. What a wonderful weekend and what wonderful recovery you are showing!! You shine!! I'm so glad you had this precious time with your son. He is thinking, he is searching and he will find his path...I believe that. Being there for him, listening...no enabling there in my book. He's fortunate to have such a wonderful mom. Hugs
Your post brought tears to my eyes. What a wonderful weekend and what wonderful recovery you are showing!! You shine!! I'm so glad you had this precious time with your son. He is thinking, he is searching and he will find his path...I believe that. Being there for him, listening...no enabling there in my book. He's fortunate to have such a wonderful mom. Hugs
StrivingToThrive
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Wow friends,
If I didn't already feel good about this weekend I sure would now. So thank you for all the beautiful comments and reminders. I am glowing right now! I am feeling blessed in many ways today.:ghug
Cathy
If I didn't already feel good about this weekend I sure would now. So thank you for all the beautiful comments and reminders. I am glowing right now! I am feeling blessed in many ways today.:ghug
Cathy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Cathy)))
I think you were awesome this weekend!!
I know that when I'm struggling with something and I talk to my dad or my aunt about it, I think "it sure would be nice if they just took care of this for me", but I've learned that the fact that they just hear me out, make suggestions (when I ask for them), and support me, it helps ME to realize that I really do have the ability to work out my own problems.
Not only is your recovery shining, but you are showing your son the best kind of love a parent can give....the kind that him them struggle, fall down, and get back up...all the while, knowing he's loved.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I think you were awesome this weekend!!
I know that when I'm struggling with something and I talk to my dad or my aunt about it, I think "it sure would be nice if they just took care of this for me", but I've learned that the fact that they just hear me out, make suggestions (when I ask for them), and support me, it helps ME to realize that I really do have the ability to work out my own problems.
Not only is your recovery shining, but you are showing your son the best kind of love a parent can give....the kind that him them struggle, fall down, and get back up...all the while, knowing he's loved.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
you did really good & i am glad your son went to the b-day celebration. when i started my recovery & was into to it awhile i realized my son had so much more respect for me than he did in the past. he tries hard not to tell me things that he thinks will upset me. he tells me things in a whole new way with kindness & love in his voice instead of rage & anger. maybe this will be the start of you getting your son back.prayers for you both.hugs,
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