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Unbelievable

Old 03-25-2008, 07:49 AM
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Unbelievable

My spouse and I are self employed. Business is not good right now we are hanging on but it has been a tough year. Yesterday I get a call from a supplier saying I have not paid them. I argued with the women saying I had paid them the cheque cleared my account. For some reason I checked with my on-line banking and requested a copy of the cheque. My AS scribbled out the name of the company and filled in his own name and cashed a $1600.00 cheque. What an idiot. Im am so angry!!!!! Business is so bad if he were to cash one extra cheque it could cause us a great deal of trouble. He knows were in financial trouble. I have not told my spouse his mother just passed away, he is taking care of her estate, and in deep grieving, on top of that he is trying to keep his business afloat. I dont know if I should tell him or not. I am not covering for my son at all, I am just very worried about my spouse his nerves are very bad right now. I confronted my son this morning first of course he denied it then I showed him a copy of the cheque. He doesnt care. I asked him would he like to put us in financial ruins. I also told him I could no longer could have a relationship with some one that consistently steals from my home and work place. I said I would no longer have a relationship that was based on lies, manipulation, stealing and conning. Its like he has absolutely no conscience. I cant afford to pay my bills right now and this 21 year old rips me off so he can smoke some more crack at any cost to his family. I am sick and tired of him and just dont want him around. I cant take holding my purse or watching him from the corner of my eye constantly. I love my son, but around him is constant chaos always. He is the most manipulative person I have ever met. I know it is the drug not him, but he needs to be held responsible. He acts as if we owe him something. When he left this morning he was angry and said he helped us move in to our new home, and we never paid him for his help but the movers were paid. Unbelievable. This kid has wracked our credit cards to the hilt. That cheque he stole was one I asked him if he could drop my mail in the box for me. Sorry to go on its just he tried to make me feel very guilty this morning I dont was I wrong to tell him just stay away from us until he gets his s....together.
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Old 03-25-2008, 07:56 AM
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Katie
my husband is the addict in my life but child or spouse..............I dont think it matters.........

I dont think you were wrong at all, it must be so difficult to do but for YOU and your husband and even for your SON you need boundaries..............

and stealing from you isnt acceptable..............

Now when I have to make a difficult choice I ask myself................what if I allow it to continue and the next time the next amount of cash he somehow gets from "us" or our home is the cash he spends on the drugs that finally end up killing him?

I know that this is the last thing I ever want so saying NO, or leave is getting alot easier..........

HUGS, and prayers for you
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Old 03-25-2008, 09:25 AM
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Time for some consequences. Call the police. You might just save his life by putting him behind bars. Sorry he did this to you but it is so common with addiction. Hugs, Marle
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Old 03-25-2008, 01:17 PM
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Time for some consequences. Call the police. You might just save his life by putting him behind bars. Sorry he did this to you but it is so common with addiction. Hugs, Marle
Marle beat me to it. If someone else stole from you, would you report it? I had to do a very similar and painful thing regarding my own son.

It ended up being the right thing to do for a number of reasons. He learned consequences for his behaviors and choices, and he learned that I would maintain my boundaries!

Hugs from mom to mom

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Old 03-25-2008, 02:06 PM
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Katie , as a mom of an AD I understand the insanity and pain of this......add me to the consequences vote...what choice do you really have? you can do nothing and continue to let him take you down and lose everything eventually or you can make him responsible for the theft and save yourself and possibly, eventually, him in the bargain.....hang in there..
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Old 03-25-2008, 02:39 PM
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((((((Katie)))))))

I have to be straight with you on this. Your son needs some time behind bars.
I know that would be hard for you and your husband, but let me tell ya,
I finally reached the point where your at about 3 years ago.
My son went into our house (he didn't live there at the time) and took
dvd's, cd's, a checkbook, jewelry. Whatever he could sell for his heroin addiction. I called him and could tell by his voice. (we were out of town on vacation, at the time)
He admitted it to me. Told me he was sick. My words...
"your gonna be a whole lot sicker after I call the police and press charges against you for robbery."
All he said was, " I know, mom. I'm sorry."
He spent 6 months in the county prison. When it was time for the actual sentencing....I dropped the charges.
He came back home to live. We moved 325 miles away. He did start drinking and I finally did kick him out, but you know what? He's clean now.
He sees a doctor. He has a job. I think he's done.
Best part is, I'm done too. First sign that somethings not right...
I stop contact.
We have a good relationship, though. Even after all the crap with the lies, drugs, stealing, ect. He quit, but only when he was ready.
I have to say, though...that 6 months in jail really "woke" him up.
He knows how much stronger I am and if he ever goes back out, I won't be around to "save" him from himself anymore.
We love our sons, but sweetie, we gotta stop loving them into their graves.
I'm praying that you do what's right for you, your husband, and your son.
I also pray that you find peace and serenity. You need time away from him.
What better place for him right now than 3 hots and a cot? At least you'll know where he is.
Need to talk? Pm me anytime.
Hugs,
Linda
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Old 03-25-2008, 03:43 PM
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Thankyou for your replies. I know your all right. He needs to be held liable for actions. I just cant take any more of this.
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Old 03-25-2008, 04:35 PM
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Katie,
I did all of this and more with my ADS. He is my eldest and put me through hell and back. (actually I let him)
Once I kicked my son out of our home, changed the locks and left him to it he decided to change. It took him some years though, but once I said NO to everything he wanted, he realized he was on his own. I use to rescue him all the time. He emotionally manipulated me and he too thought he had some god damn given right to do this because he was my son.
Be strong and help him to be a responsible adult. He will sink or swim but you have to find out and let him grow up and do it on his own. I know as parents we want the best for our kids and it took me along time to realize I was just adding fuel to the fire by giving him everything he begged for.
Good LUck
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Old 03-25-2008, 04:38 PM
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Have you called the police or state attorneys office? Its clearly illegal, isnt it?

Prosecution = consequence.
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Old 03-25-2008, 10:11 PM
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Given this is not the first nor will it be the last time, he steals, I agree with the others, call the Police. This is check forgery and a felony. It's time for him to begin to realize the consequences.

I think it was Miss Pink, who once wrote words to the effect of " enabling an addict is killing the addict". It really stuck with me.
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Old 03-25-2008, 11:35 PM
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(((((Katie44))))

hugs to you.
Ouch. that one must have hurt even as you knew its the drugs not the addict.It is so sad how "detached" they can get with their emotions while high, to do the things they do, to the people they love. And we have to work so hard on our detachment. Addiction is insanity for everyone involved.
He had to know he would get caught for that one. Yet his need was so strong he did it anyway. That is high risk behavior that might only escalate without recovery. I agree that its time to call the police. Jail might be the safest place for him right now. Prayers to all of you.:praying
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Old 03-26-2008, 05:17 AM
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(((Katie)))

As a recovering crack addict, I agree with all the above. If he gets away with this, he will continue and it will get worse.

When I was active, I did some stupid things (although, for some reason, didn't steal or forge anything) and always told myself "I'll deal with the consequences later". Well, consequences put me in jail...county for a month, a diversion center for 4-1/2. I did relapse once since I got out, but when I realized that I was heading to PRISON if I didn't quit, I did and got into recovery. In those 8 days, I lost a lot of material things that I had worked hard for over a year to get. Worse than that, I put my family through hell again.

I imagine it must be the hardest thing to do, for a parent to have their own child arrested, but he's not going to quit until his consequences get bad enough.

You and your hubby do not deserve to be dragged down by your son's addiction. He will drag you down if you let him.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 03-26-2008, 09:33 AM
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maybe you could offer him a choice,,,,either go in-patient at a drug addiction facility or you go to the police.
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Old 03-26-2008, 11:02 AM
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I'm so sorry he chose to do this and that you are faced with so much right now. As long as I live I don't think I will ever understand why addicts do the things they do. I know about the disease. I know about the 12-steps. I know he tries. But even "knowing" all that, I still don't understand how they can hurt the ones they say they love. Whatever you decide, I hope you and your husband get to a better place soon.
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Old 03-26-2008, 01:20 PM
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I will never understand what goes on in there minds. I posted a couple of weeks ago my mother -in -law passed away. He cried and carried on about the guilt of how he had stolen from her and one week latter he's ripping us off. I am going to the police station tonite, Im sure he will get a slap on the wrists our laws in Ontario are not to stern, however I did tell him today each and everything he ever does to us again I will hold him responsible. Truly I know this is my own fault, instead of playing the victim anymore. I am actually ashamed of myself that I would continually allow him to steal from me. Your right if he were a stranger or some one else I would not hesitate to have him charged. I truly am tired of saing its the drug. The truth is it will take me a couple of years to come out of debt because of the DRUG. I am working 13 hour days and he just steals so he can blow it up his nose."Im sorry mom" whatever!!!!!
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Old 03-26-2008, 01:26 PM
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Please try not to feel ashamed about anything. I know how you feel and I know its not easy to do, but on one of my first posts I think it was hope213 that told me to not be so hard on myself. We are only human, trying to deal with some really bad stuff, and its not easy. We do the best we can. Hang in there.....someone in California cares and is hoping the best for you.
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Old 03-26-2008, 02:22 PM
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They had a program on TV on Intervention about addicts. The one addict's mother had died and he moved in with his father. He knew his father was grieving and yet he stole almost anything that was not nailed down in his father's house. The father kept putting up with it until his son stole his deceased wife's engagement ring and sold it for $50 for some heroin. That was the straw that broke the camel's back and the father turned his son in. The son later said that is what saved his life. We all have our limits with addicts. You don't need to beat yourself up about the past. It is over and you can't change that. But you can change what will happen from now on with your son. You can make your life better. It starts with you. Hugs, Marle
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Old 03-26-2008, 07:46 PM
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Honey, don't beat yourself up. There isn't a handbook on parenting, and if there was, I'm sure there wouldn't be a chapter on how to deal with an addict child.

Even though I'm an RA, I still can't explain or make sense of what I did when I was active. I just have to accept that I did it and it was my choices that got me where I was. I could beat myself up royally for what I did back then. It doesn't do any good though, and I'm concentrating on making the most out of my life today. It seems that we only learn from the hard lessons when we get tired of banging our head agasint the same wall, and getting the same results.

I'm glad you are reporting him. I know it has to be hard, but you are enforcing YOUR boundaries and that's a good thing. Don't be surprised if he throws a guilt trip on you if they actually do something about it. It takes a while for us addicts to take responsibility for our actions. Funny thing, though....after I had to face enough of those consequences, I decided getting high just wasn't worth it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 03-27-2008, 05:28 AM
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sending hugs & prayers to you & prayers your son will get some help. it is hard when it is our child but we can not let them keep taking what they want. respect yourself & do not let this happen.
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Old 03-27-2008, 07:14 AM
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I can't believe the bank cashed that check. I can hardly cash a check without giving a blood and urine sample and your bank cashed a check that had the name scratched out I think I would give the bank a call and then call the cops.
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