HELP .. just found out for sure
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: mays landing nj
Posts: 168
HELP .. just found out for sure
I just was told that yes my son is using drugs, cocaine and pills on top of heavy alcohol use. He is 27.... I want to confront him this weekend but would like some advice on how to approach ..
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
Few things to consider:
1. what do you hope to accomplish? If its just to let him know you know about it...say what you mean, mean what you say, but dont say it mean
2. if its to get him into treatment, DO NOT CONFRONT him without benefit of speaking to a professional interventionist or at least an addiction treatment professional.
Its no use to confront him and give threats, lectures etc unless you have intended to set and enforce boundaries.
Try some alanon or naranon meetings first. If he is dangerous in his behavior, take someone else along with you.
I wish you good luck and serenity
1. what do you hope to accomplish? If its just to let him know you know about it...say what you mean, mean what you say, but dont say it mean
2. if its to get him into treatment, DO NOT CONFRONT him without benefit of speaking to a professional interventionist or at least an addiction treatment professional.
Its no use to confront him and give threats, lectures etc unless you have intended to set and enforce boundaries.
Try some alanon or naranon meetings first. If he is dangerous in his behavior, take someone else along with you.
I wish you good luck and serenity
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Sorry to hear about your discovery. I don't know the history here, but as someone who put her OWN parents through hell during my addiction I'd like to add my two cents in if you don't mind.
I'm now 45 years old, began using at 11, parents, especially Mom, were drug through the mud throughout my 32 years out there before I got clean & sober. I have a 19 year old son who is a normie or whatever the expression is. He hates cigs, beer, anything due to seeing what I went through.
I'm pretty much on the same page as Miss Pink. First off and I feel most importantly, do not approach this in anger or on your own without someone such as an interventionist or professional present. The wrong approach is a near certain guarantee for instant walls of anger and defense to come up on your son's part.
I also would have treatment options in place. I put myself in treatment the first time at 18 years old. Parents were supportive to some extent but had no knowledge. They thought this was just a weakness that I could simply stop and walk away from. Also, it is extremely rare for someone to "get it" their first time trying. Even the second time. Recovery is a process, not an event.There are alot of pot holes in the Road to Recovery. Be supportive but not enabling during the entire process or don't be involved at all. Some of my family members were with me in the very beginning and when I stumbled a few times, they threw their arms up in anger and walked away. This lead me to feel like I was even more of a failure than I did in the first place. Especially when they promised to stick by me as long as I kept trying. Which I was doing.
Prayer. I should have listed that first, but I want this to be the last thing that sticks in your mind. Pray for your son, yes, but also Pray for God to help you have the patience as well as strength. The strength to be there for him but also the strength to be able to stand by decisions you make as far as consequences and boundaries you set in the beginning.
Please keep us updated and if you need any extra support, feel free to email me. I'll help in anyway I can. If I want to keep what I have, I have to give it away.
God Bless,
Judy:ghug2
I'm now 45 years old, began using at 11, parents, especially Mom, were drug through the mud throughout my 32 years out there before I got clean & sober. I have a 19 year old son who is a normie or whatever the expression is. He hates cigs, beer, anything due to seeing what I went through.
I'm pretty much on the same page as Miss Pink. First off and I feel most importantly, do not approach this in anger or on your own without someone such as an interventionist or professional present. The wrong approach is a near certain guarantee for instant walls of anger and defense to come up on your son's part.
I also would have treatment options in place. I put myself in treatment the first time at 18 years old. Parents were supportive to some extent but had no knowledge. They thought this was just a weakness that I could simply stop and walk away from. Also, it is extremely rare for someone to "get it" their first time trying. Even the second time. Recovery is a process, not an event.There are alot of pot holes in the Road to Recovery. Be supportive but not enabling during the entire process or don't be involved at all. Some of my family members were with me in the very beginning and when I stumbled a few times, they threw their arms up in anger and walked away. This lead me to feel like I was even more of a failure than I did in the first place. Especially when they promised to stick by me as long as I kept trying. Which I was doing.
Prayer. I should have listed that first, but I want this to be the last thing that sticks in your mind. Pray for your son, yes, but also Pray for God to help you have the patience as well as strength. The strength to be there for him but also the strength to be able to stand by decisions you make as far as consequences and boundaries you set in the beginning.
Please keep us updated and if you need any extra support, feel free to email me. I'll help in anyway I can. If I want to keep what I have, I have to give it away.
God Bless,
Judy:ghug2
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Everyone has great input above me.
I think that if you approach him it should be based on behaviors/issues that you are noticing (ie... weight loss, drunken antics, theft of your property, loss of job etc etc.) and that it should come from a place of concern about what is happening in his life as opposed to his use of drugs. I think this because, if you approach him about using drugs, he most likely will deny it. Even if you have proof like a bag of cocaine that you pulled out of his pocket. Active addicts will lie until they are blue in the face, even when you are holding evidence. That is what they are good at.
Please know that you can do nothing about his drug use. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You won't cure it. You can't make him stop.
What you can do is NOT enable his addiction (ie... supporting him or giving him money) and set boundaries for yourself about the kind of behavior you will accept in your life and then stick with those boundaries.
I think checking out an alanon or naranon meeting would be a great idea.
Good luck and (((hugs))) to you.
I think that if you approach him it should be based on behaviors/issues that you are noticing (ie... weight loss, drunken antics, theft of your property, loss of job etc etc.) and that it should come from a place of concern about what is happening in his life as opposed to his use of drugs. I think this because, if you approach him about using drugs, he most likely will deny it. Even if you have proof like a bag of cocaine that you pulled out of his pocket. Active addicts will lie until they are blue in the face, even when you are holding evidence. That is what they are good at.
Please know that you can do nothing about his drug use. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You won't cure it. You can't make him stop.
What you can do is NOT enable his addiction (ie... supporting him or giving him money) and set boundaries for yourself about the kind of behavior you will accept in your life and then stick with those boundaries.
I think checking out an alanon or naranon meeting would be a great idea.
Good luck and (((hugs))) to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
You confront, he lies and gets angry, nothing gets accomplished. What are your reasons for confronting him when you already know the truth. Sending hugs and prayers your way. You can't win with addiction. Marle
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Add my voice to the above - don't confront without a plan for action. Your son already knows he is an addict, and has not made any choices to change that. If he is not ready to change, you cannot force him.
What you can do is review your actions with him - have you been enabling? Lending money? Helping with groceries? Supplying transportation? Covering for him to other relatives?
As I slowly let go of MY actions in relation to my kids' addiction, they were slowly able to take ON those responsibilities... sometimes, by NOT taking them on. My kids both failed to pay rent, buy groceries or keep jobs. But because I was not involved, I was not the one they could blame. Once they finally started taking responsibility for the trouble, they were much closer to getting help.
Alanon helped me very much to find MY place in the relationships with both my kids - because they changed VERY much during this time. I hope you are attending meetings, or can find some in your area.
((hugs))
What you can do is review your actions with him - have you been enabling? Lending money? Helping with groceries? Supplying transportation? Covering for him to other relatives?
As I slowly let go of MY actions in relation to my kids' addiction, they were slowly able to take ON those responsibilities... sometimes, by NOT taking them on. My kids both failed to pay rent, buy groceries or keep jobs. But because I was not involved, I was not the one they could blame. Once they finally started taking responsibility for the trouble, they were much closer to getting help.
Alanon helped me very much to find MY place in the relationships with both my kids - because they changed VERY much during this time. I hope you are attending meetings, or can find some in your area.
((hugs))
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
"confront " ??? I'm not sure what your intent is?
Compassion + sincere, honest communication goes a long way. Let him know that you know that he has a problem w/ drugs+ alcoh. Anger has no service in this situation.
Ask him if he would like support/help to get well.
Whether he lives with you or not, works or not, etc. will make a difference to what boundaries you need to set not to enable him in his disease.
I know it is a huge shock when we 1st determine that our child has a drug problem.
It really is a family disease. Although tragic that my son is also alkie/addict, the pain it caused me was the motivation for me to learn a different way to live my own life.
Compassion + sincere, honest communication goes a long way. Let him know that you know that he has a problem w/ drugs+ alcoh. Anger has no service in this situation.
Ask him if he would like support/help to get well.
Whether he lives with you or not, works or not, etc. will make a difference to what boundaries you need to set not to enable him in his disease.
I know it is a huge shock when we 1st determine that our child has a drug problem.
It really is a family disease. Although tragic that my son is also alkie/addict, the pain it caused me was the motivation for me to learn a different way to live my own life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am sorry you have found this out. i know u are hurting & i know u are scared. i am also the mom of an addict son. i almost lost my sanity until i started a progrm to help me take care of myself. there is nothing you can do to help your son. my son was 21 when i found out he was on crack. i wish i had known then what i do now. i would have saved me a lot of years on my life because the only one i can save is myself. i paid
10,000's of $$$$ on rehabs, bonds, lawyers & nothing helped him. he was not ready for help. sadly today at 37yrs. old he is still not ready. the addict will find the help he needs when he gets ready. keep coming back here & find a meeting to go to. all those yrs. i thought it was something i had done to make him use as he does. he uses because he chooses to.
i did not CAUSE it,
i can not CONTROL it, &
i can not CURE it.
welcome to S.R. we are here for you. prayers,
10,000's of $$$$ on rehabs, bonds, lawyers & nothing helped him. he was not ready for help. sadly today at 37yrs. old he is still not ready. the addict will find the help he needs when he gets ready. keep coming back here & find a meeting to go to. all those yrs. i thought it was something i had done to make him use as he does. he uses because he chooses to.
i did not CAUSE it,
i can not CONTROL it, &
i can not CURE it.
welcome to S.R. we are here for you. prayers,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi Jack's Daughter,
You've been here for a while, so you know the truth about addictions and our children. That first day of realizing IT'S YOUR KID everyone here is talking about is a shocker, filled with sadness and anxiety. But it's also the first day you get to recognize your role in the mom-addict-alcoholic relationship as well, and how to not enable him any further.
I'm sure that some sort of confrontation is going to take place. I can hear it in your words. Hopefully it can be less fear-induced and more support-offering if you remember that accepting this reality is a very hard first step for you. I imagine you are so sad right now to finally KNOW that it is true. No one wants to realize that their child is heading down the road of addiction. Everyone hopes that their child will see the light and want to stop it. You know this is not going to be an easy road for your son and you want to help him. You also know that it is totally up to him to want the help. You will be a much healthier mother and support system for your son if you educate yourself fast and now. I read as much as I could as fast as I could when I first found SR. It helped me so much I referred to this place as like a codie-manual for parents!
Accepting that this is a new reality in your family's lives is just so terribly hard and sad, I know. But it doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Quite the opposite, I have found. You have actions that you have control over--your own. You know that stopping all financial support and not allowing it in your home are the steps everyone here took when they gained all their knowledge. Maybe you can focus your "confrontation" in a direction more towards yourself and what you want to say about yourself, instead of your son. Maybe you all are not even ready for this conversation yet. I don't know. But I do know that I trust everyone on here who has way more experience than me and I mimic their actions in my own situation. I feel grateful to have "teachers" to follow and it really has helped me, and I think it is helping my son as well.
Maybe your son is ready for you to know also. He might want his parents to know just how much he's suffering, and would feel relief and hope as well if you could have a supportive discussion about it. It's going to be hard because I can feel the anxiety in your words. Can you try to put this focus on yourself today and see what you CAN change in dealing with his addiction? Only yourself and your own actions. I'm sending you a big prayer today from another mom.
You've been here for a while, so you know the truth about addictions and our children. That first day of realizing IT'S YOUR KID everyone here is talking about is a shocker, filled with sadness and anxiety. But it's also the first day you get to recognize your role in the mom-addict-alcoholic relationship as well, and how to not enable him any further.
I'm sure that some sort of confrontation is going to take place. I can hear it in your words. Hopefully it can be less fear-induced and more support-offering if you remember that accepting this reality is a very hard first step for you. I imagine you are so sad right now to finally KNOW that it is true. No one wants to realize that their child is heading down the road of addiction. Everyone hopes that their child will see the light and want to stop it. You know this is not going to be an easy road for your son and you want to help him. You also know that it is totally up to him to want the help. You will be a much healthier mother and support system for your son if you educate yourself fast and now. I read as much as I could as fast as I could when I first found SR. It helped me so much I referred to this place as like a codie-manual for parents!
Accepting that this is a new reality in your family's lives is just so terribly hard and sad, I know. But it doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Quite the opposite, I have found. You have actions that you have control over--your own. You know that stopping all financial support and not allowing it in your home are the steps everyone here took when they gained all their knowledge. Maybe you can focus your "confrontation" in a direction more towards yourself and what you want to say about yourself, instead of your son. Maybe you all are not even ready for this conversation yet. I don't know. But I do know that I trust everyone on here who has way more experience than me and I mimic their actions in my own situation. I feel grateful to have "teachers" to follow and it really has helped me, and I think it is helping my son as well.
Maybe your son is ready for you to know also. He might want his parents to know just how much he's suffering, and would feel relief and hope as well if you could have a supportive discussion about it. It's going to be hard because I can feel the anxiety in your words. Can you try to put this focus on yourself today and see what you CAN change in dealing with his addiction? Only yourself and your own actions. I'm sending you a big prayer today from another mom.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: mays landing nj
Posts: 168
thank you all so so much
I have been here a while it began with my dad'sdrinking that I just couldn't take any longer and this formum helped me immensely. My dad did get sober and we had a great year, then sadly he had a stroke and it will never be the same again. But we had a year so I am very thank ful for that. Now about my son, I was suspicious for a while now as I watched his life slowly fall apart. I actually don't know what is the truth and what is a lie any more, he won't really talk to me or anyone else for that matter. Doesn't return calls, does not participate in any family functions and yes it does hurt a great deal as I always thought me and my daughter and son were very close. Growing up he was a really good kid, very athletic kinda the star team player had tons of friends and now this. I do plan on talking to him to offer support. I have found a list of rehabs and also a list of NA meetings to share with him if he wants it. I hope he wants help but I do know I can't help someone who does not want help. I will keep coming here and I do plan on attenting a Naranon meeting as this is just too heartbreaking.
thank you again so so much for all your help.
thank you again so so much for all your help.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
"Doesn't return calls, does not participate in any family functions and yes it does hurt a great deal as I always thought me and son were very close. "
I had this same exact feelings and exper. with my only child, my 23 yr. old son.
I had to learn not to take it personally and understand that the alienation is a symtom of addiction. The less I heard from him, the worse his addiction was. Family became unimportant and he did not want me to see the addict.
There's hope, as you know; addicts can and do recover, tho, not on our schedule.
My son is in his 3rd rehab, this one a yr. long program, so just for today, he is doing very well. Lots of support, empathy and understanding coming your way. There is a learning curve for us once we know our child is an addict- coping, understanding, acceptance, detachment, compassion and thrivivg & finding joy in our ouwn lives no matter whether they are in recovery or not. You have already flexed these emotional muscles having been here with your dad. Best wishes
I had this same exact feelings and exper. with my only child, my 23 yr. old son.
I had to learn not to take it personally and understand that the alienation is a symtom of addiction. The less I heard from him, the worse his addiction was. Family became unimportant and he did not want me to see the addict.
There's hope, as you know; addicts can and do recover, tho, not on our schedule.
My son is in his 3rd rehab, this one a yr. long program, so just for today, he is doing very well. Lots of support, empathy and understanding coming your way. There is a learning curve for us once we know our child is an addict- coping, understanding, acceptance, detachment, compassion and thrivivg & finding joy in our ouwn lives no matter whether they are in recovery or not. You have already flexed these emotional muscles having been here with your dad. Best wishes
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by jacksdaughter 
I do plan on talking to him to offer support. I have found a list of rehabs and also a list of NA meetings to share with him if he wants it. I hope he wants help but I do know I can't help someone who does not want help. I will keep coming here and I do plan on attenting a Naranon meeting as this is just too heartbreaking.
thank you again so so much for all your help.
thank you again so so much for all your help.
Everyone has there own story. He may not want your help as has been stated, but he may be ready, just as well.
I wanted help way before I finally got sober, but had noo clue how too get help, and/or had stopped believing there was any hope for me left. I thought I was one of the ones who were doomed. But I did want help.
If he doesn't, then you will know and you can move forward from there.
But you can't know what he's thinking unless you ask.
I wish you all luck.
Love and light!
8
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: mays landing nj
Posts: 168
Well hopefully we are going to see him today. Called yesterday but he declined saying he was too busy or whatever. He says he will come to his sister's for Easter, but I have my doubts and if he doesn't show we will ride to him. I'm am a little nervous but I know I have to say something and see how that goes. Thank you all .... keep the advice coming as this is way harder than my dad was.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: mays landing nj
Posts: 168
Okay got to talk to him today after Easter dinner. I guess it was pretty much what I expected. First of all threw me off he looked really good today, way better than I have seen in a long while. But when I mentioned my concern that he may be involved with drugs, he of course acted mad that #1 why I had to bring it up today. Then I told him that we would be here to help him if he needed any help and he acted of course insulted "what do I need help with". So I guess now he's mad but at least I feel better that I got it off my chest and tried to open a door he may want to use. what do you think?
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by jacksdaughter
Okay got to talk to him today after Easter dinner. I guess it was pretty much what I expected. First of all threw me off he looked really good today, way better than I have seen in a long while. But when I mentioned my concern that he may be involved with drugs, he of course acted mad that #1 why I had to bring it up today. Then I told him that we would be here to help him if he needed any help and he acted of course insulted "what do I need help with". So I guess now he's mad but at least I feel better that I got it off my chest and tried to open a door he may want to use. what do you think?
I also think his reaction was a natural one, but that doesn't mean what you did was wrong.
Enjoy the rest of your day. You did good. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I think you did great. I'd rather have him mad but thinking than happy and in denial. You've given him food for thought.
Adding, I think you also did well for yourself. You managed to keep a peace for yourself and spoke out of love, didn't respond, and didn't put yourself through undo stress or anxiety. Remember now, try to keep the focus on yourself and let him start thinking for himself. I've learned that here, and it's such a calmer way of dealing with an addicted child.
Adding, I think you also did well for yourself. You managed to keep a peace for yourself and spoke out of love, didn't respond, and didn't put yourself through undo stress or anxiety. Remember now, try to keep the focus on yourself and let him start thinking for himself. I've learned that here, and it's such a calmer way of dealing with an addicted child.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: mays landing nj
Posts: 168
Thank you, it is so hard to know what the right approach is and whether you did more harm than good. I just hope and pray he finds his way. I'm sure you all know the feeling. Thank you thank you. I just hope I can help someone as much as I have received help here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I think that you are right about it being hard. Addicts feel a lot of shame and so when you brought it up he was already feeling that shame but thought that you did not know yet. He may retreat more now that you have told him that you know. Try to stay in touch with him even if it is just a message that lets him know that you care. As long as you do not enable him to not take responsibility for his addiction, you will be okay. And remember that it is not because he does not love you. Addiction is not personal even though it feels that way sometimes. Hugs, Marle
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
