AmyK

I can't go to my family or my friends. I have no one to talk to, and I dont know where to go, or what to do.

My husband is an addict. He seems to be changing his addiction from one thing to another. He is a manic depressive, and I think that is where it is all coming from. Not that I am making excuses for him, please understand, I am not.

We have been married for almost 15 years, we have two children 13 and 11. They are old enough now to understand that "Daddy is acting weird". My stomach is in knots, I now have insomnia from the stress, gaining weight from stress.....gah, this all sucks.

It all stated when his meds got messed up. He would hit these lows, and self medicate. I of course pulled the "its ok, its only every once in a while" attitude. That every once in a while turned in to lying to me, sneaking off to do it more often (like I wouldnt notice the smell, or his eyes being blood shot.....), then of all things, doing it in my friends front yard on New Years eve! The front yard! My children and I were inside, so were two cops (that saw him!). He actually managed to hide it from me that time. I am not sure how I didnt notice it. I guess distraction of everyone there.

Well, the two cops noticed and brought it up with my best friend, and almost had my husband arrested. I found all this out through her on Jan. 3rd. I lost it. I completely and utterly lost it. I blew up at him. I finally had enough begging him to stop, letting him know our kids are going to figure it out. Yelling at him because he almost had our kids taken away......my children...the only things in this world I would die for! I dont drink, I quit smoking cigaretts so they would not have the influence to ever start because of me, and I dont do recreational drugs EVER! I am not an addict of anything. I quit smoking cold turkey, and it was easy. I only did it because i enjoyed it, not because I felt the need to.

I do understand that pot is not a physical addiction, per se. But a mental addiction. The need to "feel" that way becomes strong, and the low gets lower each time, making you want to get stoned even more often to get out o f the low.

I get it, I undertand all that. I have an alcoholic father and grand father. An addict brother. I know all about it. Went to group meetings to help me as a teenager to understand my family.

But this, I dont know what to do. I have told my mom about my husbands problem. But instead of helping me deal with it, she just called me all the time telling me about how if anything ever happens to my kids, she will kill my husband. Well dammit mom, that isnt what I needed to hear!!!!!

He has been "hiding" it from me since January. Telling me he is going on "hikes", all the time I knew what he was doing. I would ask him when got home why he smelled like "smoke". Asked him why his eyes were blood shot. He always tried to make up some lie, like I wouldnt notice.

9 years ago, he became addicted to porn. It was an everyday thing. It finally led into him having an affair to act out his pornagraphic fantasies. It almost ruined our marriage then, but he quit all that, we got counseling....Now this. Lying again, addicted to a feeling.....what will this one lead to? Cocaine? Meth?

When I confronted him last night, it turned really ugly. I told him to get out, he wouldnt leave. I couldnt bring myself to leave and take my kids out. Although, I know I should. But it was what he said to me that cut to the bone.....

"Dammit Amy, this is five things now! I quit porn, I quit sleeping with other women, I quit drinking, now you want me to quit this?! When will it end?? Why dont you just accept me for me?!"

Wow, really? He said all that to me? I sitll cant get over it. That hurt.......so bad. I dont know what to do. I love him so much, my children love him. But wow.....I am not sure I can live with this anymore. I dont trust him. He lied about so much, I dont know anymore what is real, and what isnt. He says he will quit, but really....will he? I keep throwing it away, and he keeps getting more.

I want my kids to be in a clean environment. I dont want them to grow up thinking this **** is ok. It isnt!!!!

This hurts so bad. I feel so lost, and I dont know what to do.

Help.

If you actually read all of that, thank you. I had to get it out of me. It felt like a cancerous black hole!!!!!

hello-kitty

Hi Amy. Welcome. I'm sorry you are going through this and you feel so alone. You are not alone.

The thing is you cannot change your husband. You cannot trust your husband. He is what he is.

What you can do is set boundaries about the kind of behavior you will and will not accept in your life and around your kids, and then make decisions about what you are going to do if those boundaries are violated, and then follow through.

You can get through this. Keep reading and posting. Maybe try attending alanon or naranon. Maybe send your kids to some alateen meetings since they are starting to notice and are no doubt being affected by their fathers behavior.

ANGELINA243

Amy, sorry you are going through all this. Your husband sounds alot like my exbf. From the porn to sneaking around to using drugs behind my back. All I can say is that he won't even begin to change unless he wants to. It is good that you both went to counseling and seemed to get things straightened out with the porn/other women issues. He sounds like an addict to me--just substituting one addiction for another. I hope things work out for you and your kids first and foremost. There will be other people here who can better help you deal with this siutuation--I just wanted to tell you--You are not alone. Welcome to SR!

AmyK

Thank you, so much. I am going to find some local Alanon meetings for me, to start with.

My next thing is, do I tell his parents now, or give him one more chance? I feel like, I am always giving "one more chance". I am a full time mom, and dont have a job to support just me.........ug, my stomach hurts so bad, I cant eat, I cant sleep, and I just keep crying.

BayAreaPhoenix

Welcome and hugs AmyK
You came to a great place.


"Dammit Amy, this is five things now! I quit porn, I quit sleeping with other women, I quit drinking, now you want me to quit this?! When will it end?? Why dont you just accept me for me?!"

I think maybe this statement is true.

Read here, read CoDependent No More by Melodie Beattie, find some Alanon or Naranon meetings you could go to, take the time to re-educate yourself as the wife of an addict. Even though you know from past experience, being married to an addict with children makes it a totally different spin.

You don't have to decide what to do right now. Just keep on working to figure out what it's going to take to get you the life you want for you and your children. Take a deep breath, and vent away - it helps a lot!

AmyK

I dont understand. What do you mean by that statement is true?

BayAreaPhoenix

I meant that with all the lying - this one statement is telling you a really big truth. After you quoted him saying this to you, you made the comment that you didn't know what the truth was anymore because he had lied so much. That's all.
sorry for confusion! I am blond and sometimes, I have no other excuse

AmyK

hahahaha, Ditto on the blond thing. You guys have inspired me. I am looking up meetings in my area. It looks like all we have out here is Alanon, no Nar-anon meetings. Is it ok to go to Alanon when its more than alcohol?

BayAreaPhoenix

Yes, Alanon is just fine - it's the same program. I go to Alanon here too because the naranon is just too far for me to want to go and it's fine, there are others in the same boat as me, and I supplement with open NA meetings sometimes.

cece

So sorry Amy that you have to go through this.
Yet you have already learned that screaming, yelling and pleading will not change the addict.
And even if you or your husband thinks he has stopped other addictive behaviors because of you it's not the case. Although we think we are that powerful we cannot make an addict do anything, our behavior cannot make them turn to addiction, nor can we prevent it.
you are smart and ahead of the game if you understand the need for al-anon and are planning on going. I am sure the past help you got dealing with addicts in your family will help you.
I, similar to you, do not have this gene. Because of this, we will never completely understand the attraction and need. but we can understand enough to help our recovery from being their keepers.
It is VERY TYPICAL for an addict to blame. Until they are ready to accept there is a problem, loved ones can become their scapegoats.
My AS is addicted to Marijuana.
do not underestimate Marijuana. New studies are showing that it is physically, as well as psychologically addictive. Although the withdrawals are not as bad physically as most other substances, they are there. and the psychological withdrawal can be tough.
the initial problem with pot, is people look at it as no big deal except that it is illegal. they don't think it is harmful.
and maybe it's not to someone who isn't an addict, ( just as alcohol can be)
which makes it VERY TEMPTING to an addict.
Take a look at this site.

Marijuana Anonymous World Services

check out all the " How it Works " Tab.

It is okay to feel disappointed. this is your family and you have children involved.
But keep the focus on yourself. just by reading this post it seems as if in the past its been your job to keep your husband on the "straight and narrow" for your family. It can't be your job. It is his. If it was our job to fix them,none of us would be here, cause all our addicts would be fine!
keep taking care of you.

jen960

Dammit Amy, this is five things now! I quit porn, I quit sleeping with other women, I quit drinking, now you want me to quit this?! When will it end?? Why dont you just accept me for me?!"

So if it wasnt for you, he would prefer to live a life with excess porn, having affairs, drinking and drugs. Sounds like he has some big dreams...

AmyK

I hadn't though of it that way. Really puts things into perspective, doesnt it?

Sara21

Hi Amy,
Welcome to SR. This site is full of wonderful people. My husband is also an addict and this site has been so helpful in helping me with my own recovery. Keep coming back and remember that you are NOT alone.
Hugs

gypsyrose

Hi Amy,

First of all I just got to say, hooray for your husband for quitting alcohol, porn and sleeping around. Those are a big deal and if your marriage survived all that on top of bi-polar disorder... I bet you can survive this. When my husband was drinking, I tried not to focus on the alcohol but his behavior. When his behavior became completely unacceptable to me, he quit drinking to try to keep his family together.

I came back here recenly because my husband quit alcohol but is now addicted to benzos and pain killers. I was so glad that he wasn't drinking anymore that I didn't think the pills were a big deal. Now I'm learning that they may have a lot of the same dangers as alcohol. I'm trying to get information about them so I can have some idea of what to expect.

But, to me, what is important is not whether or not he is popping pills... it is whether or not his behavior is acceptable to me.

I know this is a sobriety site and many people may have a different perspective than I do about pot. I'm a Californian so my view is probably asquew to begin with. And pot helped my mom a lot when she was on chemotherpy and dying from cancer. Also, I grew up with pot in my house and by the time I was 16, I was bored with it. Almost everyone I knew smoked pot through their 20's. As we got older, matured, got educated and took on more responsibilities... most of them quit smoking. Some did not. Some continued to smoke a lot. Some of them were functional people with lovely families, others weren't. So I come from the position that pot isn't evil if it isn't interfering with your life. I understand the concern about your children seeing it. My girlfriends who have pot smoking husbands banish the activity to the garage.

Is your husband taking anything for his bi-polar disorder? Can he take Wellbutrin? It was initially an antidepressant but now it's perscribed to people who want to quit smoking cigarettes as well. A dear pot head friend of mine, who wasn't very functional, had Wellbutrin perscribed for him when he wanted to quit smoking cigarettes and he quit smoking cigarettes, quit smoking pot, went back to college, is making straight A's and has taken up his artwork seriously for the first time in decades.

Anyway, as someone said earlier, you don't have to make any big decisions right now. I would hang out here, go to some meetings, get some counseling, get a massage... whatever you need to do to take care of you. I wouldn't call his parents about this unless they are your support system and you really need to lean on them right now because I don't see how upsetting them will help your situation. I would focus on yourself (and of course your children) and what you need to be happy and healthy regardless of what your husband is doing.

I hope that helps some.

jen960

I started to have such low standards of what I accepted in my relationship with my AH. The verbal abuse, the manipulation, the lies etc... He was always sorry and didnt want to be that way but he never seemed to learn from his mistakes and the behaviour kept happening. I had to leave as I was doing the relationship no favours as he was never going to treat me with the respect I deserve. Yet I still love him and in a perfect world I would love to be with him. How could I love someone so much that treats me the worst of anyone I know?!! It's amazing to read these posts to see such similar situations. We love too much!

hope213

welcome to S.R. i feel your pain,i am sorry for what you are going thru & what you have been thru. you have got to ask your self if this is the life you really want? you are the only one that can answer this. my son is my addict & i can tell you it only gets worse. you have got to take care of you & your children. you did not CAUSE it,you can not CONTROL it, & you can not CURE it. you husband is the only one who can help himself. it is a rough road living with an addict. i know u love him but we can not love our addicts clean. keep coming back here, go to your meetings, you will find alot of support & wisdom. prayers going up for you & your family.