KayM

First off, I apologize to all of you who have seen my posts before and offered valuable, constructive advice and insight -- and who realize that I'm ignoring it. I come here when there are immediate problems. My feelings about my marriage run in cycles: sometimes I feel desperate, other times I can handle it, other times things are good. I have been working on my feelings about my marriage for decades - and have never made any forward progress except, PERHAPS, internally.

But I come here because you're the only group of people who CAN understand, so I hope that you do.

Is there anyone here who realizes that, for their own emotional, mental and physical health, they probably really should leave their marriage; yet, they've decided NOT to? Those are the people I need to hear from, if they exist.

I'm in a situation with an addict who no longer uses (that I'm aware of and, in the past, you couldn't NOT be aware, when he used) but who has characteristics and behaviors that come and go that often make me feel that I need to get out. At times, he's my best friend and I love him dearly; other times, he's an arrogant child that I cannot tolerate.

Over the years, coping has made me form characteristics and behaviors IN MYSELF that I hate. And that make the marriage worse (I take responsibility, at this point, for the marriage being bad, but I still blame HIM for me making the marriage bad!).

I know I'd have a great life if I weren't with him. I would like to have a great life WITH him. I cannot change him. Can I learn to live with him and not let him affect me during those "down" times?

Aggghhhh. I write these things KNOWING what kind of replies they HAVE TO elicit. Yet I hope to hear, from someone, that it can be done. I'm livin' in a dreamworld, I guess... It's just hard to think about leaving someone who you promised to stay with NO MATTER WHAT, and who you're so attached to. I'd love to find a way to be and stay happy, with him, because I know so much of my unhappiness is from MY REACTIONS to and expectations of him.

lil516

You may not be able to stop the "war" but you can decide if you want to participate in it....

work on changing yourself.....the rest will fall into place

be the change you want to see (Ghandi)

I know it must be hard...I am the parent (not spouse) of an addict but I am a spouse and it wasn't always easy!

prayers that you find serenity in your decision and that you are able to be the person you want to be....you are responsible for who you are

cece

(((KAYM))))
First of all,
Be gentle with yourself, I can see the whipping marks from here!
Don't apologize for asking for advice and not "taking it".
That is not how it works or what this place is about. no one is keeping score . It is about support for you, whatever decisions you make. Many people live with active as well as recovering addicts here. Many leave after frequent relapses and many leave after the first time.
there shouldn't be judgment. Nobody really knows each situation but those in it.
So advice is offered with love and compassion,from our own experiences, which can be sound and good, but not the direction your HP has for you. And your recovery doesn't depend on a tally sheet of success's and failures. (Thank God for that!)
As they say in Al-anon, "take what you like and leave the rest."
This doesn't mean you can pick and choose through the program but instead its a belief that its about, "your own way in your own time."

I have found for me, when I am faced with looking at my marriage and the decision to stay or go, it is and should be, very individualistic.
there are times when the addict is dangerous and the decision is obvious for safety reasons.
I have learned that if I truly work my program, keep the focus on me and working on my wellness, while giving the marriage to my HP to fix or? And then let go, and take it one day at a time instead of trying to find the answers all at once, I tend to get answers coming to me with much more clarity and peace.
Nobody can tell you if your marriage is over or worth saving. If you have doubts it is better and healthier to examine why you feel this way instead of shoving it down. And yes, no matter how right the decision to leave is, it will never be pain free.
If you ask your HP, and Let it Go, but WORK a PROGRAM which focuses on your side of the street, the answer comes in time when your HP thinks you are ready to either leave or recommit.
And again, the reason I give this "advise" comes from my own experiences and what works for me. what works for you might be different.
Praying for both of you and his continued success in recovery.
Cathy
:praying

Ladybugg

Kay,
Letting go of a relationship is painful.
I knew that it was going to be hard to end my marrige and trufully it was harder than i ever even thought.
I had to save myself and there was no other chioce at the time-i could not deal with it for one more minute.
Maybe that something in you is fear-i know it was in me
When you are ready, you will know what to do.
When the pain is so great that venturing in to the unkown doesn't seem so bad then you will do what you have to do.
Until I was ready to face the end of our relationship and feel the pain of that, I stayed and remaind miserable.
Facing that was thus far the hardest thing I have ever done.
I made it through and I know I did the right thing.
Maybe if you aren't ready to give up then it just isn't time-maybe a part of you still believes in him.
Only you can decide.

lohu

I am glad i joined this group, now i know im not alone. I have been married for 6.5 years it huts to know we will not make it to our 7th year. I love my husband dearly but unfortunatley his disease has taken over his life. We have 2 children together who are young and do not know their father is an addict. My husband came to me about 2.5 years ago and told me he was an addict, i had no idea. He has gone through rehab and has tried quitting cocaine on his own but the disease is winning. Unfortunately I can no longer tolerate the mood swings when his body is detoxing. Sometimes the marriage is great, sometimes tolerable, and mostly unbearable. I have made a choice in my life that hurt me deeply i have filed for divorce and have kicked my husband out of our home. I still love him so much and can only hope for the best but like you i was becoming someone who i did not like and was starting to have my mood swings when my husband either doesnt come home until 2 or 3 in the morning (without a paycheck) or were just arguing about something I did (he would always try to nit pick something to turn the anger from his addiction to maybe something like a sink full of dishes). Only you can decide for your self and your sanity what is best only you really know what its like in your situation....lots of luck and stay strong

splendra

Dear(((((Kay)))))

I don't believe I have ever read any of you post but I still live with my H. It has been very rocky. I have kicked him out several times and let him come back. I have also tried to get him to leave and he wouldn't. Last summer he slept in the travel trailer in the drive way. There has been a lot of accepting on my part.

I have changed my behavior in reacting to what he does it has helped me a lot to change my reaction.

Because every dog has his day my H has been forced into a situation where he has to get himself together or go to jail. I believe he is actually waking up. He now is finding out how expensive everything is because our situation has moved me to not have an income and he has to support us.

If you don't want to leave him then don't and stop worrying about it. Do though find out what makes you feel good about you. Stop buying into his bag of goods walk away when he gets cranky make him know you are not going to take it but be peaceful about it. I have even left the house for the night and stayed with a friend. I have also left him standing in the middle of a store a few times when he was pitching a fit. I have found if I leave him sitting in his own mess he has to clean it up himself. A few months back I told him from now on he has to change his own diaper...