I know I don't want to go back...
 

It's not that, but how can he say to me tonight, I guess there's no "fixing" this anymore. I said the time for fixing is a long time gone. His response was that everything is fixable.

What? Fixable to what? Why? I realize this is manipulation - it's just more of the same this week, but I can tell it snuck thru and hit a button. I seem to have had a hard week. Not in the sense that I doubt my decision or what I want or any of that, but how to get through the end of this with any dignity and grace.

He's so good. He's so good with words. ALL his intentions, I finally really realized this week, are and have always been through inflection, tone, facial expression, etc. If questioned, he can always truthfully say he only said xxx, but when confronted with the meaning he denies. It's one of the things that made me crazy. It's one of the ways he got me to stay as long as I did. How am I going to get through this? I feel, right or wrong, like I am getting set-up for the biggest slam. I am dreading this whole process - not that anyone wouldn't, it's difficult enough to get divorced, but this dread sank in this week. As I am writing, I don't think it's even manipulation into staying in the relationship, but this week I guess it's that I'm feeling like I"m getting manipulated, but I don't know why or for what purpose or towards what goal. It's so subtle, and I don't know if it's true or not, I can't and don't believe anything he says anymore.

I don't know, I guess I'm a little overwhelmed. I'm trying really hard not to obsess or think too much about this, and I've done so much better in these last months than this week. I'm hoping tomorrow is better.

" I know I don't want to go back... " then DON'T

It sounds like passive/aggressive behaviour to me, where they say things in such a way that they can twist what they said later to suit their own purpose, or don't do something that they should have and then come back with "well, you didn't ask me to do it". It's a mind game.

They are only words, carefully selected as they may be, and words can't hurt you if you don't let them.

Your feelings are valid, you are entitled to "feel" however you feel and nobody's words should challenge that. It IS manipulations, finely tuned to hit your buttons. You don't need anyone to validate feelings that you know are real.

I find it best not to fall into the trap of a battle of "words". While they are busy twisting the truth, quoting you out of context and trying to out-word your expression of how you feel...don't play. When they find themselves speaking to the wind, they will realize that their "words" have no effect on you and that you are serious and valid in your thinking.

To thine own self be true....that's what my medallions say on the back, and it's the one truth I try to live by. It hasn't failed me yet.

Sending hugs and prayers, I can feel your pain.

Hugs

In the last year, leading up to last Monday when my divorce was final, I have learned a very valuable lesson when it comes to dealing with my exah:

The only way to win, is simply not to play the game.

Hang in there!

Our A's are charming, cunning and devious. This is what their addiction has made them become, and they have to be this way in order to survive. My AH is truly a silver tongued devil, and can have me wanting to believe everything he says in no time flat.

As we are discussing separating, he's pleading, begging, and using his denial to twist things around. Its hurts so bad, even he makes it worse because he's doing whatever it takes (manipulation, passive aggression) to make this difficult for me.

Stay strong! I feel your pain and I also am dreading this journey of separation/divorce. Will it be awful? Definitely, at least at times. But we'll make it :)