katyk

Hi everyone,

I told my AH last night I wanted a separation.

I know:
He's had many chances to get sober
The fact that he's now cleaning the bathroom and taking out the trash does not negate his other bad behaviors, nor does it demonstrate being a good husband
(I think personal and fiscal responsibility, respectful communication and engagement in your partner's life are far more essential features, which he lacks)
He tells me he'll get help, but he has not done so in the past, so what's different now?
I'm not happy in this relationship, and I deserve more.
I finally feel hope for the future when I contemplate living seperately from him.
He needs to take responsibility for the decisions he's made and the consequences of those choices (the destruction of the trust, honesty and joy in our relationship).

I feel:
Really sad! I remember the way he was when I married him, the wonderful man he used to be and I want him back. I know he didn't hurt me on purpose, and that kills me. Beneath my anger, I know he's not a bad person. Its such an awful disease. We are both heartbroken.

We are starting a new chapter, and I know it's going to be a real *****. I'm going to have to listen to more cries and please-- which just KILL me, by the way. I just need lots of postive thoughts my way. I know this is best for me, but it still really hurts.

I guess the pain of staying finally eclipsed the pain of going.

Ann

The sadness is a mourning for the person who is no more, it's valid and it's usual for people going through the pain of separation.

Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers, that one day soon the light will shine again in your heart.

Bean

I have just asked for a seperation from my AH as well. I can relate to everything you are saying. I'm sad and grieving a life that was supposed to be, a wonderful man I once knew.
I am letting my anger and saddness drive me forward right now. It is the only thing I have to ensure I don't take him back yet again!!! You know what helped is the other night I made a mental list of all the events he has missed (many) all the nights I've spent worrying, all the money spent($$). Let me tell you the years have made for an enormous list, a list soooo long I was even aware of! It was so eye opening as to the magnitude of the hurt and deciet and has helped me stay strong right now.
I am secretly very excited and scared at the same time to start over!!!!
Take Care and we can talk anytime, sounds like were right in the same place right now!!

CatsPajamas

As Ann mentioned, there is a big grieving process. We grieve the loss of the dream, the loss of our hopes, the loss of the person that was. Anger, sadness, denial, acceptance - all part of the process.

In my case, all the words just didn't matter. I learned to replace whatever he said with QUACK QUACK QUACK. When he hurled those ugly verbal assaults at me I just pretended that he was shooting rubber bullets or using one of those marshmallow guns. There was still a "shot" fired, but it didn't hurt. A few stung a bit, but it didn't last.

It helped me to detach from the situation. I started going to Al Anon meetings and went to some counseling. I found my self respect and my self esteem which I had somehow lost in the chaos that was my marriage.

My time away from my A allowed me to relax and gave me some time to think. When I was caught up in all the drama, all I did was react and argue and cry. When I had time to think clearly, I was able to decide what I really wanted for myself and my children. And when I figured that out, I was able to make some healthier decisions.

Take good care of yourself. You deserve it!

Cats

Bean

Quack Quack!! I'll have to remember that one-LOL!!!

caileesnana

You come first.

prayers for you healing,
susan

blaze2172001

I will be praying for you. I also seperated from my AH almost a year ago. And I believe that if it weren't for that, he and I would be miserable right now. The hardest thing I have ever done was look at my husband, who I loved and remembered as my best friend, but that had turned into someone who abused drugs, lied etc. And tell him we need to seperate. But now, he has been clean for 3 months and we are working on us. I am happier now than I have been in a long time and slowly but surely, my husband, lover and best friend is coming back to me. There was a time I was sure my marriage was over but I have been blessed and my husband is getting back to being the man I fell in love with. I guess he had to hit rock bottom and it seems that when I told him it was over, that was his bottom. He's been to treatment, family counseling and meeting everyday. Good luck and if it's God's plan for the two of you to be together, it will happen. Right now, live for YOU!!! HUGS!

LiveLife

Two months ago I reached the point where the pain of staying with my addict out weighed the pain of leaving ... and I told him to leave. I've had no contact with him for 2 1/2 months. He leaves messages for me from time to time.

I'm working on me and I've accomplished more in two months than the 18 months prior. It's not easy, but I'm getting my life back and I'm healing.

He's in court ordered residential treatment. He left a message on my voicemail today and for the first time in almost two years ... it really sounded like the man I fell in love with. He's got a long way to go, but at least now he seems to be headed in the right direction.

I wish I had sent him on his own sooner. I think the separation has ended up being the best option for both of us. While he was actively using we became toxic together. I enabled him to get worse and he drove me insane while I helped him.

Everyone's path will be different. Addiction is a difficult road no matter which way you turn. Take care of yourself first ... and the rest will some how work itself out.

faithhopelovejr

I feel for you. I went through the whole ordeal in December of '06. I was able to talk to people and sometimes I'm sure I rambled. Don't feel bad for wanting to think outloud. To me, my divorce was devastating. At the time, I felt that I would have preferred him to have had an affair and known the name of the person, than to file for divorce because of something that I can't even point a finger at...ADDICTION.

You will have your ups and downs. Just stick to your guns and don't compromise on your happiness and well-being. You will eventually be able to see that you are in a better place.

imallright

Wow. This is helpful. I am at this same place and the pain is sometimes overwhelming. I can't even explain. I know I am doing the right thing, but it hurts like ****. It's too late for us and he has way too much work to do for himself... which he can't see at this point or ever before. SAD. I wanted the best little life and happiness, didn't get that so now I guess somehow I need to pull up the boot straps and go find it... but it hurts!!!!!

katyk

We are in the stage of talking about separating, but there's no plan, and most of the time he's just begging me not to "throw him away." Its so hard because I still care about him, and part of me feels guilty and wants to believe all his empty promises. I know that I'm doing the right thing by separating, and its not going to help him to get sober if we stay together. My mantra is "its okay to leave, you're not a bad person for wanting to protect your sanity, health and future." Its hard to believe it all the time, though.

peaceteach

The guilt we put on ourselves is tremendous. Your mantra sounds perfect to me. Promise yourself that you will follow through with this mantra. You do deserve to live in a peaceful, loving home with good health and a positive outlook on your future. When you start to feel the guilt, just remember the promise you made to yourself.

abcdefg

I so appreciate these posts. I'm inspired by the sharing here. I would be asking my ABF for time apart but he's already gone -- disappeared for an indefinite period, will not acknowledge me in any way.

When it suits his needs, he will reappear and he will be the man I love. I've already learned not to be a doormat when he's walking out, throwing a fit, blaming so he can abandon me and feel righteous about it.

I know he's got a disease that causes this behavior. I know that when he reappears, I will have missed him so much that I will want to spend time with him and do and say all the things we can't do when he's gone.

But I am not willing to live the rest of my life this way, in this cycle of abandonment and blame and silence. That's abusive -- he's not a pig, but his disease is untreated and unmanageable and causing destruction.

I am not ready to make the final break but I have reached a serious turning point. I want to make my choice to end the relationship when he comes back, when all seems wonderful, when he's everything I want him to be. NOT out of spite toward him, not at all. But because if I can walk away then, I will know that I have really accepted that he is not going to change.

I love him. I love myself more. I deserve better. He deserves better, too, but I can't do anything about that. I can only make choices to enhance my own life.

I'm really scared and sad. And I've worked all 12 steps in al-anon and I've started them again. I'm clinging to Step One. It has saved me from far, far, far, far worse than this sorrow and disappointment and I know it will again. But this is a hard day of missing him (and others I have lost) and seeing the writing on the wall and turning it all over to the will/flow of the universe.

peaceteach

It's a tough lesson to learn, but a great teacher if you can recognize it. When you've been to the abyss in codependency and survived, you sure as H**L don't want to go back there.

Acceptance, memory, and recognizing that most people have to learn the lessons of life through experience, even our A's, will help you make the right decisions.