Divorce is final but the drama is not.....

Old 03-14-2008, 07:05 AM
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Angry Divorce is final but the drama is not.....

In mediation on November 30, I gave up the house because all I have heard is how it is his house built with his money, etc etc. (Never mind the 25 year marriage and the three children....) The mediator took the appraisal minus the mortgage, got the equity in the home and divided it in half (because I live in a state that is 50/50) and presented it to him. He said 'I don't want it, sell it'. We signed an agreement to do this.

I got the home ready, worked like a dog for several weeks I might add, contacted a realtor, filled out all the paperwork. The realtor called him to sign the papers. He wouldn't.

In court on Monday, in the midst of all the lies he was telling about me and our relationship, when asked about signing the listing agreement on the house, he said he couldn't do that "in good conscience" because there is something wrong with the septic system, and some kind of water issue, and we have termites And of course he was suddenly too ethical to sell someone a home with problems......None of this has a grain of truth to it, btw. I have been living in the home for over a year alone and have not had the first problem with the septic system or any water problems. We have had monthly exterminator visits for several years.

He said the only way he would sign is to list it to be sold 'as is'. Which in the real estate world is a huge red flag to buyers and results in very low offers. The judge ruled in my favor on everything, even adding some things I didn't even ask for in an effort to 'encourage' him to sign the listing papers. Multiple contempt charges were left open.

Even after my attorney drew up papers specifying that he be 'held harmless' if there are such problems discovered in the course of the sale, as directed by the judge, he is still refusing to sign.

There are three different people waiting to see the house; I can't show it to anyone until he signs.

The bottom line is, he wants the house. He thought that he would force my hand in mediation when he said to sell it. He sent me a letter afterwards offering me about half of what I will get if we sell, along with saying that "if you ever decide to come home, I will still have a place for you to come to".

Addicts just cannot stand to agree to anything that they perceive as 'losing', can they?

The way I see it, I have two options here. I can fight him in court, or I can try to reach some sort of settlement to let him have the stupid house. I have the Rockin C almost ready to move in to, and I want to get on with my life.

My gut is telling me that no settlement will ever be conceived as 'fair' in his mind and it is a waste of time to try. The judge was obviously miffed at him and contempt charges from almost a year ago (that his attorney attempted to get dismissed) were left open. I doubt the court will put up with much more nonsense from exh. The realtor is willing to testify because he got very verbally abusive towards her and she is ticked off.

What would you do?
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Old 03-14-2008, 07:15 AM
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What would I do would depend upon how fat my wallet is.
If I could do without the peace of mind and getting on with life sure would be worth dropping the whole thing and just moving on.
But when we are talking a few thousand dollars... well I would need worry about my needs for the future and a peace can come from knowing that is cared for as well.

The answer is simple... He wants the house, he takes out a second and pays you off your share. If he can't...the judge says sell or go to jail.

At what cost would you put on peace of mind? Only you can answer that question for yourself.
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Old 03-14-2008, 07:36 AM
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It's not that he can't pay me, he just doesn't think he should have to.

We're actually talking in the neighborhood of 20K difference if we sell. I had thought about splitting the difference with him and taking 10K less than the law says I should get, with some stipulations. Such as, he pays off the CC debt and furnishes proof of same and proof that my name is off the cards and he comes up with all the other monies awarded to me (back child support, home maintenance, insurance reimbursement) in addition to the payoff on the house immediately.

My peace of mind is worth 10K easily. I just have my doubts if he will agree because with him it is all about control. What do you think a judge will do if I make the offer, he refuses, and he still won't sign to list the house?
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Old 03-14-2008, 08:07 AM
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Sorry, Jen but this made me laugh. I had something similar in my divorce... and you know what? Bossy, irritated, controlling A's can be put in their place by very few people - but a JUDGE is one of them. When faced with going to jail or a contempt of court charge/fine the A will often "see the light" and sign the paper. OR, in my case, the judge's signature overrode the lack of my A's signature.

That's a lot of money to walk away from... are you willing (and able)vto spend money to keep some, or is it better to just walk away?

The other thing you could try is to have your ex sign something say he has no interest in buying the house and couldn't buy it for a period of time even if you had to list it "as is". That would force him to show his "plan" .

I'm glad you're able to think clearly and are moving forward . I'm thrilled about the Rocking C and can't wait to see pictures!!

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Old 03-14-2008, 08:23 AM
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Step away from the addict. It's time to put some distance between him and the issues you have to deal with on the house. My advice, Get back in front of that judge as quick as you possibly can, wouldn't even push the contempt, rather I would request that the judge do two things, 1) Take the home out of his hands totally and make you the executor or all documents. Don't just have the judge order the listing agreement be signed, all that is going to do is leave you wide open for each and every step of the sale, to have to go back in front of the judge. What happens when you have an offer? or a closing? He is going to block you every way possible. Have the judge deed the home in your name with him entitled to his proceeds upon sale. 2) Since you already have to go back in front of the judge, address that credit card issue, it can ruin your credit and create a whole basket of problems because of the laws in Tennessee.

I'm sorry you are having to still deal with this.

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Old 03-14-2008, 09:20 AM
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I have been in the same situation. I believe that my ex's motives were simply to stall and delay. Almost a misery loves company.

I spent more on attorneys- getting all those papers signed.. listing.. purchase agreement.. sales... The delays cost far more financially but more importantly- time and energy then had it been sold for a HUGE loss- immediately!!

If I am correct arn't you responsible for half of the mortgage until it sells? What about the other bills? Taxes, electricity, H20, lawn care? It is pure hell trying to keep a home maintained while selling it when you live somewhere else.

If I could do it all over again, I would give up anything- to be completely detached, especially financially. My ex did not "care"- was incapable of thinking or acting rationally. The consequences were disasterous- for BOTH of us!! Most importantly our children. I found that it really did not matter what the divorce decree said- regarding anything. Or what the laws say. If he doesn't care what others think, doesn't care about going to jail, doesn't have a conscious or feel that it is okay for him to do whatever and just say- he is sorry.. he is sick.. he didn't mean to...

I loved this quote, "fair is a place that pigs go to and win awards."
Just my experience, I wish that I had accepted and moved on. Depended solely on myself- not "expected" him to do anything- or thought he was capable of it. He wasn't.

So, personally I would try to get before the judge immediately and get a complete seperation of assets and debts. Make him take out a home equity loan to pay off ALL credit card debt and have your name taken off of accounts. Including paying YOU off of the home. Go ahead and give it to him at a "deal"- Add up what it would cost you to pay for and maintain it until it sells. Your ex.. is showing you HE does not want it sold- he is already stalling.. making it hard to sell-with this talk of septic and termite problems. Don't underestimate a person like that... Next comes, broken screens and doors, all kinds of "little" problems...

If you decide to go the other way and pay him- I would ask the judge to put the funds into a trust, I believe you have children? To ensure that their child-support is taken care of. My experience has been that addicts who are not willing to work on sobriety when they "risk" losing their families- if that isn't their bottom. They REALLY get bad after they lose them. Their disease progresses unbelievably fast.

I hope that is not the case for you or your addict.
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Old 03-14-2008, 12:03 PM
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Stilllearning is giving you sound advice.

I am a Realtor and do my best to avoid ugly divorce situations. So often, too often, one of the parties does not want to sell and it shows.
So often, too often, it becomes impossible to get the two parties to agree to anything.

An appraisal is nothing more than one person's opinion of value, at a precise moment in time. Given the current market conditions, in most places, in the U.S., you are more than likely chasing a down market. Add an addict and a divorce to this mix and it can become impossible. These things can and often do drag on for years.

If he wants the house, and is ready and willing to pay 1/2 the appraised value, take the money and run.
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Old 03-14-2008, 12:44 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
If he wants the house, and is ready and willing to pay 1/2 the appraised value, take the money and run.
That's the problem, he isn't willing to pay 1/2 of the equity based on the appraised value. That would be 64K. I would be happy to let him have it for that, but he wants to pay 40K.
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Old 03-14-2008, 02:44 PM
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Intially in my divorce, I haggled over a 401K my ex had through his place of work as "our" retirement. At one point I let it go and walked away with considerable loss. He was making over four times what I was and had the 401K money also. Three years later-- he lost his big money job, has moved three times into lesser and lesser homes, is currently unemployed, has cashed in HIS retirement money to live on, and on and on. I have MY place, my own retirement started, my job still, and peace and serenity with NO money problems. It really is true that they can go down really fast once they cross a certain threshold in addiction. I would go for whatever breaks any ties at once. Good luck in your decision, Duet.
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Old 03-14-2008, 03:33 PM
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so hard to know what the right thing to do is.

When I left my exah, I walked away from our marital home. I left behind all the blood,sweat and hard labor equity that I poured into that home and started over from scratch. That loss, on top of all of my hard earned money that ended up in the drug dealers pocket probably would have paid for my son's college education and then some.

Its so unfair.

The real estate market in our area was so bad (still is) that I was lucky to walk away without also taking alot of debt with me. A clean break was my best hope.

If you think one more trip to the courthouse with your attorney would settle this nonsense once and for all, I say go for it. How much can one more motion cost? I really like frankly's idea about asking the judge to remove your exah from the sale process completely. It sounds like the judge has your ah's number...and he doesn't want to see the two of you in his courtroom any more than you want to be there...

Sorry the drama continues...but remember how far you've come...this last hurdle is nothing compared to everything you've gone thru.
Sending lots of support, hugs and prayers your way for a speedy resolution.
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Old 03-14-2008, 05:29 PM
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Thanks for all the input.

Well...I'm thinking I may present the offer in court in front of the judge in hopes that he rules that exah either takes it or gives up his right to be involved in the sale of the house. My offer is meeting him halfway between what he wanted to pay me and what he should pay me, and includes the things the judge already ruled on as well as a settlement on our personal property.

The @&^#%!$ wants the tv, tv stand, and bed that our son has in his college apartment. What a pathetic excuse for a father.....

I just want to be done with him and get on with my life. I have wasted too much mental energy on him as it is.
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Old 03-14-2008, 06:51 PM
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Originally Posted by duet_4-8 View Post

The @&^#%!$ wants the tv, tv stand, and bed that our son has in his college apartment.
Let him have it and with the check in your hand...go buy a better TV.
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Old 03-14-2008, 07:11 PM
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Originally Posted by best View Post
Let him have it and with the check in your hand...go buy a better TV.
Yeah, I know, Best. But how do you tell a kid that his father wants the bed that he is sleeping in and the television set that the same father gave him 3 or 4 years ago? It's not the money, it's the principle of it. Just makes my blood boil!
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Old 03-14-2008, 07:14 PM
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College age son can handle the truth.
Do not belittle the dad...just explain that addictions have people say and do things differently. He is blinded by his illness.

How my wife would have handled such...
Ok if that is what you want...But you tell him.
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