my first post, cocaine is back
 

:a043::a043:my first post...
thanks for being here.
been SAD all day, cause it's obvious my h's addiction is accelerating and all the behaviours and attitudes are coming back. My son wanted a BD party sleepover, and I told him I can't plan one cause I never know when Dad's gonna use...
So with 2 kids in college, and one in Jr Hi, and my h insists that I'm the one that has to leave, not him, what's my next step?
I've asked him in the past to not use at home. He's respected that till lately, past 2 months I'd wake up in the morning and realize he's been using all nite...of course uses the line "it's my house, I can do whatever I want" ~Addict talk!
So I'm at a turning point, he's up to using once a week (and who knows if it's more)
Done with threats.
Done with trying to control, change him
Just want to be going on with my life and not have his attitude and addiction mess up me and the kids any more than it has.
Have always been upfront with the kids.
I need boundries. What are good boundries now when he won't leave.
Oh, yeah, minor problem, we also Work together...partners
Help!

Wish I had all the answers. I'm sitting here in your shoes as I type <<HUGS>> All I can say is keep reading everything you can on here and that dark dark tunnel you feel traped within will show a tiny light at the end of it soon. Just keep going-running- towards it!!

(((intentional)))

I don't know the answers either, but it comes down to taking care of you and your son still at home. Can you leave? I know, from reading here, that it's usually not something you may want to do, or it's not financially a choice. I would recommend getting legal advice and see where you stand...especially since you work together..is it your own business?

A lot of spouses have ended up leaving a good home, and basically starting over....tough, but when you consider YOUR sanity and peace of mind, sometimes it's what you have to do.

More will be along with some ES&H, so get comfortable and read other posts...you are definitely not alone.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

I just want to welcome you, Intentional, and hope you will find support and a wonderful group of people here who understand where you are because we've all been there one way or another.

What helped me most in dealing with my son's addiction was to go to meetings and begin working a terrific program of 12 Steps that gave me my life back. Maybe see if there are any meetings near you, Alanon, Naranon or CoDA are three similar fellowships that are not about the substance or them but about taking care of ourselves and surrounding ourselves with support.

Today I live life well, in peace and seeing the beauty in each day and with a spiritual connection that sees me through the dark days of despair...even though my son is still lost in his addiction and I haven't seen or heard from him for over 3 years. I begin each day with a prayer, giving my son to God, and then I live my days in faith that God will take care of him. My son knows he is loved and that gives me peace because I cannot do anything more than keep the candle of hope lit in my heart.

I am glad you are walking with us on our journey of recovery. It's no longer a lonely journey filled with fear but an experience of love and faith and fellowship that is second to none.

Hugs

Outside looking in
 

We codependents sometimes have a hard time seeing ourselves in the light of day.
The first thing I would like to express to you Intentional that you need to just
Stop and take a deep breath!!!!!! Now exhale.
You are my mirror and I quote you

"My son wanted a BD party sleepover, and I told him I can't plan one cause I never know when Dad's gonna use..."

Please be aware that this is reinforcing the codependent lifestyle with your children.
By NOT planning something because of our AH's, this is enabling them to control US!

Look for alternative ways to have a sleepover. Maybe renting two adjoining motel rooms for the night and ask a couple of your girlfriends to join you for a girls night while the kids have fun, or maybe a night in a tent in a campground. Ask to hold it at a relatives house. Don't let the only reason not to hold it is because you do not know when your AH will use again.

If you would still like to hold the party at "your" house and I call it "your" house because you live there, then the rules, boundries and limitations that you set with your AH must be set in stone. I am more the willing to further expand on what boundries I have set for me and my AH to keep me and mine safe and warm.

I am here just like you because of my codependent behavoir and life with an AH.

Just for today I ask that my higher power give me the strength to see myself from the outside looking in and to break the codependent cycle with me and my family.
Hugs and be safe.
Mary

First boundary I would set is no using cocaine in our house around the kids! If he wants to use cocaine make HIM go to the hotel room. Why should your children be exposed to that kind of lifestyle. He is doing irreparable damage to them!

Boundaries have consequences. So the second thing I would do is tell him what will happen if he does use cocaine in the house. I would tell him that I am going to call the police and have him and his illegal drugs removed from MY home.

Kids come first. No drugs, or he is out. period.
susan

intentional- wish i had some great advice, but unfortunately i too am in your shoes, have been for a long time. my ah and i also run a business together. right now he is clean, but it is more of a dry drunk type of clean, hes not in any recovery program. i continue to work on my plan b so that when, if, the day comes that i need to leave with our 4 kids, i can do so and still support the kids financially. right now, thats not an option and he won't ever leave either. you'll get lots of great advice here, my best advice is to stick around, keep posting and maybe try to get to some alanon, naranon meetings if you haven't already.

just want to welcome you to S.R. there are alot of wonderful people here that will walk this journey with you. i do not have any answers for you but read around the other post. there is alot of info here.find a meeting,they also help. prayers for you & your family.