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Old 03-13-2008, 08:41 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I like what Book said, "keep your sweet memories alive in your heart" No one can ever take them away from you. Sometimes I think back about what it was like when my daughter was a little girl and the fun we had together. How cute she was. She was always so willing to please me and help me with things. Maybe someday our daughters will have a little girl and they will know just how we felt.

Megan is young and she still has a chance to do a lot with her life. When Jen was 21 she was very active in her addiction. She is 26 now and she realizes she is getting older and has to move forward with her life. She is by no means taking complete control but she is taking baby steps. I still get frustrated at times but I can't force anything on her.
As usual she will do all things in her own time, her own way.

When you least expect it, your ray of hope will shine on you.................Lo
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Old 03-13-2008, 10:07 PM
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(((((Marle)))))) (((((Done))))))





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Old 03-13-2008, 11:55 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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(((((Marle)))))
I know you miss your girl...
Most days we do what we have to do to not feel the heartache.
Somedays we feel it in a powerful way. When my son was estranged, my heartache was my only connection to him.
Megan is out there doing it on her own.
She has a wonderful mom !! She knows it and when she is able she will be a bigger part of your life.
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Old 03-14-2008, 12:15 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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(((Marle)))

I'm so sorry....I said Casey instead of Megan. I try to keep up with all you mom's and still have trouble putting the right AD with the right mom, sometimes...Doesn't mean I don't care for each of you and your daughters (or son's), maybe just old age? At least I know God knows who I'm praying for. Sorry, but you and Megan are in my prayers.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 03-14-2008, 12:16 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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(((Marle))) Hope, for me, turned out to be patches of blue. I don't know when it entered my head... but I do remember that it was on the way home from one of ADs rehabs... and she wasn't doing well. AS was also using and my life was looking pretty bleak.

I asked God to show me a sign of hope, just a little bit of blue.. and I kept looking around until I found it. My heart lightened... just a little. So that became my habit - every day on the way to work, I would search and search for a little bit of blue. That was my "hope", and some reassurance that HP was walking with me.

I don't think a day went by when I couldn't find at least one bit of clearing... sometimes, just on the horizon at sunset. It seemed bigger back then, the idea of finding the blue.


I also know that the night before my daughter decided to get sober.... looked no different than any other terrible night. She was out all night, using meth, chasing the high. Nothing I said could make her come home. So I sat up all night waiting for her, and when she showed up....she was ragged and smelled bad and looked awful.


That was her last night using for a very, very long time.


She has recently relapsed, but then appears to have immediately gotten back up on the horse and is sober ever since. I don't know if it will last... but I pray that it does.



Hope is not an outcome... it is just a belief that the miracles CAN and DO occur. They can. And they do.


(((loving hugs)))
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Old 03-14-2008, 01:08 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by marle View Post
frankly, It does hurt but not seeing my daughter has been about my choices too. I know that when I talk recovery with her and challenge her denial about what she is doing that I will get "no contact". I also know that being around her too much is not good for me because I see the progression of her disease. . thanks, Marle
Yes, and yes. I have spend many hours with my AD since septmeber (year before that, hardly at all). hard to say which year was more painful or harder to get thru. when she was missing, all my fear and pain was about my speculations. Now, it is all about what I see when I look at her, what I hear when she talks to me, and what I know of the facts of her life and diseases. The progression is terrible and it hurts. I did make that decision to spend less time with her, like you, after this last insane month of hell.
talking recovery doesn't seem to put mine off, but i know that is her extreme need for approval. then afterwards, she does whatever she wants to anyway.

You know, a thought just occured to me. Take it for what its worth, since its just a thought (not a thought thru thought!)-
Maybe we are powerless over our feelings about our AD's. I mean to the extent that we try to control how we feel by limiting contact, initiating more contact, controlling where, when, how long and under what circumstances. Is it just more 'control stuff' this time of our feelings - when really we should do whatever seems good at the time? Are our feelings - the degree of pain - something to just surrender to also, or is the amount/type of contact
with them a really important factor in the degree of pain? No answers, just questions from me.
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Old 03-14-2008, 03:59 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by BigSis
Hope is not an outcome... it is just a belief that the miracles CAN and DO occur. They can. And they do.
Marle, I truly know your pain and I also understand why you feel the need to distance yourself from the chaos and that's what I had to do too.

Yes, going through the sad part of grieving the child we feel we have lost is painful, it may very well have been part of the darkest part of my life, but I have learned not to hang out in the sadness long, it's a dead end street that takes us no place good.

Prayer helps me cope, giving God what I cannot handle and asking release from the fear and then living in faith that He has it all covered allows me to live a good life filled with beauty and peace.

I like what BigSis said about hope. I have seen the worst case addict, the one you would never bet on to ever find recovery, get well and stay well and live a good life. I think God has shown me these special people so I know that there is always hope, even for the most hopeless. Hope, not expectations, but Hope is a little candle in my heart right next to faith and love.

You and your daughter are in my prayers each day, and I ask that God shine His light upon both of you and give you peace and a good path to walk.

Big hugs from a mom who walks with you.
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Old 03-14-2008, 10:09 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
Yes, going through the sad part of grieving the child we feel we have lost is painful, it may very well have been part of the darkest part of my life, but I have learned not to hang out in the sadness long, it's a dead end street that takes us no place good.

Prayer helps me cope, giving God what I cannot handle and asking release from the fear and then living in faith that He has it all covered allows me to live a good life filled with beauty and peace.

I like what BigSis said about hope. I have seen the worst case addict, the one you would never bet on to ever find recovery, get well and stay well and live a good life. I think God has shown me these special people so I know that there is always hope, even for the most hopeless. Hope, not expectations, but Hope is a little candle in my heart right next to faith and love.
Ann, this is beautiful, thank you....

I have shared parts of my story with my AD, but I have not spoken much about the biggest part of the story, and I guess I wanted to share the practical aspects.
In the darkest time, I shed months of tears over a four year period...I kept giving it to God, because I knew that was my only source of help and comfort and I looked to God for understanding...Every step along the way, I was comforted and inspired and led by the hand and my faith was deepened in a profound way
God healed my child of cancer...inspite of the huge odds against her.I know she is not mine but his and I have to bend to his will and his plan for her...and he is the last word...I believe this with all my heart...

I have hope until she draws her last breath that his plan for her is to have a life of health and but if it is his plan that she lose this battle then I will deal with that when the time comes... but for me it is not over til the fat lady sings....just as with her cancers (Lymphoma,Leukaemia), there is a bigger plan, a bigger picture...that I choose to focus on, not what I see in front of me when I see my child....
yes, this is where she is now....where will she be in 6 months? I do not know ...that is for her and God to decide...In the years that she was sick.....from day to day, week to week, the rollercoaster ride of blood counts up and down...the constant fear of what the tests will show, relapse? the bruising that appears one day...relapse? Do you know that this child did not have any platelet transfusions in all the time she was sick and she had ITP(platelet disease)
As I look back on it, she walked through all those years of treatment and not one relapse....and this kid was carried into the ER on that fateful first day without a clotting time and a white count of 300,000........there was a bigger plan...

How I deal with how her life affects me is my burden and my responsibility...........what I cannot bear I just hand over....I know that God will bring me what it is I need in that moment.
when I had journeyed long and hard and when I was finally ready to let go, God lead me to SR.....this is such an organic process , constant flux of emotions, I could not imagine going through her cancer or her addictions without God 's guidance and comfort...just couldn't....
Marle and Sleepy, my love and prayers to you both....

Last edited by grateful2b; 03-14-2008 at 10:28 AM.
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Old 03-14-2008, 08:29 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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we all have to walk thur this with our addict children. we can miss them so much. i hear from my son about every few days but it is not the same as it was. nothing to talk about.take your time, feel all the feelings. it will get better one day at a time. sending you a big hug with alot of understanding.prayers,
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Old 03-14-2008, 10:38 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Thumbs up ~ ! * M a R L E * ! ~

I had a Fantabulous idea for you.

You have to buy this with your saved up smoking money!

Hip Hop AbsŪ Fitness, Nutrition, Diet, Weight Loss Official Site


It's so much FUN


YouTube - Hip Hop abs



Don't let them fool you,
This dance is actually much easier to
Learn than it looks.
He breaks it down
Step
By
Step.


You'll have it down sooner than
you'd think.


Really you would.


YouTube - Hip-Hop Abs - Learn to dance

You will LOVE Shaun T

And you can Be Totally Agressive with Flava in your own Living Room!


:ghug3
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Old 03-15-2008, 06:09 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Done, This looks like something my daughter would have been "down" with. She used to do the one with the "kick" boxing routine. I can't remember the man's name. Thanks for suggesting it. I will have to think about it for a while Hugs, Marle
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Old 03-15-2008, 06:43 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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((Marle))

I am so sorry for what is happening right now.

Hugs,
Collen
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Old 03-15-2008, 10:26 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by marle View Post
And although I am going through a painful time right now, I know that I am right where I need to be and it is okay to feel what I am feeling, cry when I need to, be alone when I need to and if I do these things and I am gentle and kind to myself, I will be okay.
Thanks for this reminder, Marle. :ghug2
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