At what point do you give up?

Old 03-12-2008, 09:17 AM
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At what point do you give up?

How do you give up on the person you love so much? I'm so ready to give up it's crazy. The only things keeping from doing so is explaining to our family, friends and church that he has a substance abuse problem and doesn't think enough of us to come home. I'm tired tired tired.... at what point did you give up on your loved one? For your own sanity?
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Old 03-12-2008, 09:22 AM
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When the pain of being tired and abused is worse than the pain of staying with them - that is when you will leave. I was addicted to my addict just like my addict was addicted to drugs. I had to get help for myself to recover from my addiction to him.

I had to accept that I couldn't fix him. I couldn't stop him from using drugs. I am not that powerful. Therefore I focused on fixing myself in order to protect my child. Things are much better now. I feel sane again.

The information and support of the people on this site will help. Also, maybe try alanon or naranon or another support group.
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Old 03-12-2008, 09:23 AM
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when you realize YOU TOO HAVE WORTH, honey it is up to you to stand up and say no more I am not willing for you to make me feel like I must validate you and your existence to everyone else....you too deserve happiness....and it is up to you to say when......
Good Luck and God bless!


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Old 03-12-2008, 09:27 AM
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I'm afraid of not loving him. I'm afraid of not needing him. I don't know what I want. On one hand I want to hate him. And on the other hand, I don't want to hate him. *sigh* I'm so confused and filled with hatred and bitterness that I actually hate him just as much as I freakin' love him. I don't want to give up. I'll feel like there was still something I could've done to make things work. But he's not doing anything to make us work.
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Old 03-12-2008, 09:31 AM
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The day someone starts taking from my own sanity,
I've learned to 'let go' and get back to taking care of me.


Addiction will take the sanity away from anyone who lets it.
That's what it likes to do. You have to put up your boundaries.
What are you willing to accept and take into your life at this time.

I STILL have an X Best Friend who is trying to "Get" something from
me. I kicked him out almost four years ago, for the same habit I had.
I got better he didn't. But as of last week, he was still trying to drag
me into his insanity. The things that come out of his mouth are unbelievable.
But I don't involve myself in it anymore. No matter how bad and wrong he
says I am.

If I 'let him' he'd pull me right down to his level, with just his words.


The only things keeping from doing so ......
Even though drug addiction is different..... When I was ready,
Nothing could stop me to finding the recovery I needed.
That's still how I face challenges in my life. Is this obstacle worth
stopping me to get to a better place?



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Old 03-12-2008, 09:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Alabasterbox View Post
k. But he's not doing anything to make us work.
Oh sweetie, I'm sorry this is so hard for you right now.

He probably isn't capable of doing anything to make it work right now.
His life is his drugs. But it's about him, not about how good of a person
you are.

Usually even when we want to do something good or right, when we're
on drugs, that rarely happens. It's about us and the drugs.
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Old 03-12-2008, 09:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Done-With-It View Post
Oh sweetie, I'm sorry this is so hard for you right now.

He probably isn't capable of doing anything to make it work right now.
His life is his drugs. But it's about him, not about how good of a person
you are.

Usually even when we want to do something good or right, when we're
on drugs, that rarely happens. It's about us and the drugs.

I want to understand. That's why I'm sticking around. I know it's not him. It's the drug within him that's hurting me so. I'm reminded of the scripture, "for we wrestle not against flesh and blood..."

I'm not cut out for this battle.
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Old 03-12-2008, 09:44 AM
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Welcome to SR Alabaster.

I struggled with the questions you ask for several years before finally leaving my exah. I know how hard it is. I know all those mixed feelings. I'm sorry you are going thru all of this.

You've found a great place for support...
I'm looking forward to getting to know you better as you work your way thru this.

:ghug
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Old 03-12-2008, 09:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Alabasterbox View Post
I want to understand. That's why I'm sticking around. I know it's not him. It's the drug within him that's hurting me so. I'm reminded of the scripture, "for we wrestle not against flesh and blood..."

I'm not cut out for this battle.

Well your ahead of the game, you know that. So maybe this is the time to leave.

He's going to do what he wants with or without you, no matter what you think, feel, say or do. He is going to do what he wants.

You just never know.
As I think I mentioned my X Best Friend/Roommate (BF's for about 9 years)
talked daily, etc.. both got hooked on meth.
I kicked him out eventually, he was doing more than meth, and went crazy fast.
Anyway, I got better, I was determined.
Him? He's like 9 states away from me, and still telling me how I ruined his life, his hopes his dreams, how he wants me dead, etc... The words are horrible. He blames me for EVERYTHING....

So, two things. You can never tell what is going to happen. If I would not have gotten him out of my life when I did, I'm sure that I would be dead right now. I know it. He had to go. Unhealthy people can bring us down.
Other thing is you can never tell who is going to get better or if or when.

It was soo hard to kick him out of my life. It physically hurt, I felt horrible.
I really did, he was like my brother, spent all the holidays with me and my parents, looked after me like I was his little sister, etc.
I couldn't believe what I was doing.... And he made sure to let me know how horrible I was for doing it.
But I made the right decision. I have no doubt about it.

Tough decisions hurt. It's hard to take care of ourselves.
But in the end, Taking care of ourself always wins, and it's the only way
to find true happiness within ourselves.

That was/is my experience anyway.

:ghug3
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Old 03-12-2008, 10:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Done-With-It View Post
Well your ahead of the game, you know that. So maybe this is the time to leave.

He's going to do what he wants with or without you, no matter what you think, feel, say or do. He is going to do what he wants.

You just never know.
As I think I mentioned my X Best Friend/Roommate (BF's for about 9 years)
talked daily, etc.. both got hooked on meth.
I kicked him out eventually, he was doing more than meth, and went crazy fast.
Anyway, I got better, I was determined.
Him? He's like 9 states away from me, and still telling me how I ruined his life, his hopes his dreams, how he wants me dead, etc... The words are horrible. He blames me for EVERYTHING....

So, two things. You can never tell what is going to happen. If I would not have gotten him out of my life when I did, I'm sure that I would be dead right now. I know it. He had to go. Unhealthy people can bring us down.
Other thing is you can never tell who is going to get better or if or when.

It was soo hard to kick him out of my life. It physically hurt, I felt horrible.
I really did, he was like my brother, spent all the holidays with me and my parents, looked after me like I was his little sister, etc.
I couldn't believe what I was doing.... And he made sure to let me know how horrible I was for doing it.
But I made the right decision. I have no doubt about it.

Tough decisions hurt. It's hard to take care of ourselves.
But in the end, Taking care of ourself always wins, and it's the only way
to find true happiness within ourselves.

That was/is my experience anyway.

:ghug3
I understand what you're saying. I guess I haven't gotten to that point yet because I'd blame myself for him relapsing you know? Maybe I'm not ready...
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Old 03-12-2008, 10:10 AM
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I'm so confused and filled with hatred and bitterness that I actually hate him just as much as I freakin' love him. I don't want to give up. I'll feel like there was still something I could've done to make things work. But he's not doing anything to make us work.


There isn't anything you could have or can do .. because this isn't about you .. this is about him and what is inside of him .... this is about that he has an addiction and the things he does and says, thinks and feels is spawns from the drugs inside of him.

We try so hard to hold on to what once was that we lose ourself in the addict and become miserable and as messed us as the addict.

I don't know if you've heard about the 3Cs .. you didn't cause, you can't control or you cannot cure his addiction.

I know for myself I went through all the what ifs when I was with my addicted husband

What if I was prettier (then he'd love me)
What if I was nicer
what if I didn't complain
what if I learned to cook better
what if I kept the house spic and span
what if I didn't nag at him
what if I
what if
what!

Then it was if only he would ______ then I'd be happy

The truth of the matter is that I was so unhappy because I was addicted to my husband and I was chasing after him, begging him to stop using so that I could have the relationship I wanted with him so that I could be happy.

I was codependent on him for my happiness and that is a miserable place to be.

I had to find myself (outside of him) I had to find my own happiness

I had to detach

I began to learn how to take care of me regardless of what he did or didn't do.

I had to learn to love myself

I had forced myself to step back from my husbands life and over a course of time I pryed my hands off of him and released him to the life he chose to live ... along with freeing him I prayed daily for him .. and when he found himself in a mess because of his lifestyle and I didn't not rescue him, I didn't save him from the consequences of his own choices .. I took care of myself and my children, focused on the things that I needed to in my life and let him live his. After all he chose his lifestyle and I chose not to support it. He owned it and all that it contained.

I hope that you will be able to open up to friends, family and your pastor about your situation. If shame is keeping you from doing so .. you have nothing to be ashamed of .. you are a seperate entity then him and what he does is not a reflection of you. He is solely accountable for his behavior.

Please, I also hope you will stick around here .. there are lots of wonderful people here that can share their stories with you and you will find you are not alone ... Especially now that you have become a part of the SR family.

I would like to encourage you to read, read and reread... Learn all you can about his drug of choice and the behavior it spawns, educate yourself on enabling, codependency and detachment with love (PRICELESS INFORMATION). You're in good hands here ...

Hugs
Passion
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Old 03-12-2008, 10:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Alabasterbox View Post
I understand what you're saying. I guess I haven't gotten to that point yet because I'd blame myself for him relapsing you know? Maybe I'm not ready...

Did you have the power to make him start using? Make him stop?

We don't have that kind of power over someone.
If it worked like that places like SR wouldn't exist.

There would be a manual that would tell us all how to make it better.

But I understand your not ready yet. We get there in our own time.

:ghug3
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Old 03-12-2008, 10:35 AM
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I know that you are not to blame for his relapse because I know that there are only 2 things we can control in our lives - our actions and our reactions to other peoples actions.

Something you might want to consider is why you are so powerful that you are to blame when he uses drugs? And if you are that powerful, how come you can't control when he decides not to use drugs?
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Old 03-12-2008, 10:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Done-With-It View Post
Did you have the power to make him start using? Make him stop?

We don't have that kind of power over someone.
If it worked like that places like SR wouldn't exist.

There would be a manual that would tell us all how to make it better.

But I understand your not ready yet. We get there in our own time.

:ghug3
Thank you. And you're so right... I need the Nar-Anon classes... I just need to let it go.

I have an additional question.

I come from a very traditional family with a traditional background. My parents/family/friends all thought that I was moving really fast when he and I got engaged and married. I didn't listen. And because I didn't listen I didn't know that my husband was a junkie. So now, I have to confront my family and friends about this and I don't want to embarass him. I don't want them to think he's a bad guy because he's really not. He's just a lousy husband.

How did your family and friends react when you told them? Do you think it's our responsibility to "out" our spouse's addictions?
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Old 03-12-2008, 10:49 AM
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Why are you ashmed? What did you do wrong? Did you force the drugs down him? I feel for you. Never second guess your feelings. If you let him go you are going to hate or dislike him that is grieving.

Someone told me you have let the things you love go to set them free. If it was meant to be it will come back.

I have been where you are at for the last 15 years. When my XAH left me for the drugs and the dealer that was suppling them to him. I always wondered why, still do at times. But I do dewell on the answers anymore.

But you never are going to know why or the If I only. You need to tell the people that are close to you. When you are ready to help yourself you will let go. But it will never be easy to let go of someone you love.

Take it on day at a time.
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Old 03-12-2008, 10:55 AM
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Originally Posted by wooforever View Post
If you let him go you are going to hate or dislike him that is grieving.

I feel you on this point. It's only been a week and most of my anger toward him is stemming from the fact that while he's out getting drunk and high, I'm left to pick up the peices that he broke down. I have to deal with a 4 year old and 4 month old. I'm pregnant and I have to find a second job now just so our house doesn't go into foreclosure! This is really unfair.... and I hate him for putting me through it.
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Old 03-12-2008, 10:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Alabasterbox View Post
Thank you. And you're so right... I need the Nar-Anon classes... I just need to let it go.

I have an additional question.

I come from a very traditional family with a traditional background. My parents/family/friends all thought that I was moving really fast when he and I got engaged and married. I didn't listen. And because I didn't listen I didn't know that my husband was a junkie. So now, I have to confront my family and friends about this and I don't want to embarass him. I don't want them to think he's a bad guy because he's really not. He's just a lousy husband.

How did your family and friends react when you told them? Do you think it's our responsibility to "out" our spouse's addictions?

I told a 'few' close friends, but 'for me' I didn't feel it was necessary to let everyone know what was going on with me. I also have struggled with an eating disorder most of my life and everyone has taken a front row seat to that. When I got better and learned how to deal with that, it was all me and I stopped including everyone in my drama. THAT'S JUST ME. What worked for me. If I had not gotten better or needed more help, I would have asked for more help, or gotten others involved possibly.


As to letting people know about your spouse's addiction, I think you should do what you need to do. Maybe ask yourself what your motives would be in telling others. And would it be helpful for all parties involved, but especially you. Is it going too help you to out him? Maybe, maybe not.

Do what you think is the right thing to do. And then be okay with your decision no matter what they outcome.

That's what I would do.

Hope that helps and didn't make it more confusing.

:ghug
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Old 03-12-2008, 11:17 AM
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My advice, you never give up the hope. You never give up on the person. You always wish and hope. This is a horrible disease. However, You do give up on how it effects you. Nothing changes when nothing changes. After all the definition of insanity is repeating the same patterns over and over again but expecting a new result each time. Your right, you need to get into a support group. You need to do what you need to do for you. He has made his choices. Yes you love him…you never stop. But you can stop with how everything falls on you. How are you responsible for his addiction? You can not control it and you in no way caused it. Those were his choices. The best thing you can do is work the steps and let go.

Telling family? Well, my honest opinion is you need people around you can talk to. If the shoe hits the fan and you gotta get away you want some where you can go and be safe. If you think you need to tell your family to “out” him my advice is you need to let go. He needs to tell them. He probably will not. If telling them makes you hurt more then I would be careful who I trusted and told. Family is like a coach on a side line. They are quick to offer advice but unless they are playing in the game they have no clue what you feel or what you need to do for you.

Keep posting. Everyone here is helpful. You have come to the right spot. Just stop beating yourself up over his addiction. For gosh sakes…you are not all the powerful that you made him do anything.

:praying

Hugs and Love,
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Old 03-12-2008, 11:21 AM
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WOW. I am overwhelmed at how helpful everyone is. I've been praying for this kind of support for a long time...
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Old 03-12-2008, 11:43 AM
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A

You obviously have a difficult situation. And maybe it ISN'T fair.

I am the addict in our family. Recovering.

As I read your shares it would appear that most everything is about HIM. He seems to weild great power by virtue of his addiction.

I would suggest that you make it about YOU. That you can control. You should not be ashamed that you cannot control him. There's the man and there is his addiction. Addiction is winning. You are losing.

You didn't ask to have an out of control vehicle coming straight at you. It doesn't matter if it has the face of your husband. Save yourself and your babies, Mother. Your husband and his disease are a different matter and beyond your control, and perhaps his. If he had a terminal disease (he may) as bad as it would be, you would be forced to think of the rest of your life and your children's - without him.

Best to you!

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