Freedom1990

A few months ago I had my granddaughter overnight, and had to take her to her mother's the next day (my addict/alkie daughter). The daughter had been out of jail for some time, and was living with a new 'bf', someone she had met through the small church she's been attending since she's been out of jail.

She's on intensive probation for 18 months, thousands of dollars in fines, and the latest rumors are she has some more time to serve for another fine.

When I dropped Alexandria off, I was pleasantly surprised. They were living in a small house that was neat as a pin. There was no tv in the living room. Her bf introduced himself to me, and of course, I bear in mind that people are always on their best behavior for someone new

That was the first time I drove off with a bit of relief as I wasn't leaving Alexandria in a house of squalor with druggies in and out.

I always view any potential positives in my daughter's life with a great deal of skepticism.

She kept up the facade long enough that her father sent her $100, which she called to tell me about a week ago.

A couple of weeks ago she had called to chat, and during the conversation, she thought it was quite funny that on a weekend when she had the grandkids, she and her 'church' friends had gone to rent some games for the Playstation, stopped off at the bar for a drink or two, and decided to have my granddaughter babysit (she's almost 13) while they went back out for a night of drinking till 2:30 in the morning (a direct violation of her probation, and she's on psych meds).

Last week I get the kicker and she calls to inform me she will be moving out while the bf is at work, and gave me a list of grievances about him that was a mile long. She and two of her female 'friends' had found another house, one of whom is on disabilty for several mental health issues. She tends to pick the ones who don't take their meds and are unstable at best.

She's still writing the 'fiance' in prison, the one serving time for child molestation.

She's got somebody else in the next town north she gets 'booty call' from. Really, I don't need to hear those details.

This is exactly why I no longer have hope. What I have is faith that God has a plan for her, and I'm going to stay out of the way.

It no longer breaks my hurt nor ruins my day.

It's what I expect.

Some never do 'get it', and I have long since put my oldest daughter on that list.

I truly do believe she is one of those people who is constitutionally incapable of being honest with herself.

Thanks for letting me talk about this.

mooselips

I am in the same place you are, putting my emotions on standby, dealing with my oldest son. Somehow, nothing surprises me anymore.
I feel as though I have been injected with mind soothing novacaine...but, I imagine it's my H.P. protecting me.

Hugs to you,
and prayers for our "kids"

Freedom1990

I think you hit the nail on the head with the mind soothing novacaine.

Thanks for the hugs and prayers are so important :ghug2

marle

I am with you on the hope thing. My daughter was brought up strictly middle class with the values to go with it. She graduated top in her class, had everything going for her. Now she is a dirty, foul-mouthed person who thinks that it is okay to live in filth, look like filth and talk like filth all the while using whomever she can to continue her addiction. I just stay away. Hugs, Marle

caileesnana

We do all we can and when it doesn't work, we wake up! I am in the same place as far as hope and knowing reality. I will keep you and AD, and precious granddaughter in my prayers.

Come back, someone is always here.
susan

sleepygoat

Whatever works for you - well who can argue with that?

I believe where there is life there is hope, and (maybe because I am NA recovery) I hear the most horrendous stories from people who were 'hopeless' and are now clean and living good lives. but these are the exceptions, not the rule. Most addicts do not get or stay clean. Therefore, I choose to keep hope because -why not? - but also to know the reality. (Of course, then I choose to consciously refuse to think about that reality!!). So it all still comes down to whatever works for us to get thru the days and have a life.

Freedom1990

I completely understand what you are saying, and I know a lot of people don't agree with my views.

I am AA recovery, 17 1/2 years now. I have been taught to live in the moment. That is all I have.

Hope is an emotion based on the potential outcome of future events. How many times have I gotten up hope for my daughter, only to have it dashed against the rocks when she's back in jail again, moves for the umpteenth time, just keeps racking up charges/probation time? I've lost count.

I have hope for myself today I continue working on making myself a better person in recovery.

Faith has been much more difficult for me to come by, and that is where I finally found peace, peace in having faith that God does indeed have a plan for my daughter, and that may, or may not involve recovery.

I work very hard not to hook my emotions off of the future.

Does that make any sense?

grateful2b

Freedom..:ghug3...
I have mourned the lost of the daughter I knew, the daughter i had hopes and dreams for ...and I have learned to accept the daughter that is before me, the one who binges on alcohol and drugs, is on her second abortion, lives in filth, with a revolving boyfriend door and who is sexual addicted.
That is who my daughter is now..
I have learned to remove myself and put me first , as I cannot stop or change or fix or cure my daughter...
I accept that this is the life she has chosen now....She knows that I love her and have not stopped believing in her....she knows exactly where my boundaries are and how I see her life....she also knows that I have finally given her permission to live her life, good or bad by stepping away......I am brutually honest with her when asked but do not offer otherwise...
I live squarely in the now...but I am open to what the future may or may not hold....
I am under no illusions about what my daughter says or what comes out of her mouth.....I have been fooled many times before....I remind myself daily of where the boundaries need to be ..
Since I have moved to a completley different place about her life and mine in relation to it....there has been some movement from her. coincidence...who knows.....she has slowed down a little ....and her behaviour towards me has changed considerably....it does not fill me with unrealistic hope.....what
it does tell me though is that she is trying...
she needs to fix her life for her....what I think about her life is none of my business....will she choose to get her life together or spirall further ...I don't have the answer to that...I take it day by day...the one thing that has changed since I have stepped away is that when she contacts me (I do not call her) she is making an effort with me and I respect that. I choose not to focus on what she is doing because that is hers to figure out.

Plugged into the moment ..... detached with love....

Spiritual Seeker

Freedom1990-
It sounds like you are coping quite well.
No doubt about it, there is frustration having an addict child.
Acceptance is a harder place to get to than hope.
Acceptance in the now and hope the future.
You're right, we don't need to hear the details about their lives because there is nothing we can do with that information except go back into the darkness of fear and worry.

lostparent

I think I've got to the point were I can accept that my AD may never change. AAs much as I hate the life she as I realize I can't change it. What I have a problem with is what her lifestyle can do to her kids. Yes I have them with me for now where they a have a normal stable life,, but when she gets out of jail she wants to try an get them back as soon as possible. Then what if she relapes what happens to the innocent children?
I hate drugs

hello-kitty

Lost parent, Please don't rush into giving her those children back. It's too important. If she wants to stay clean when she gets out of jail, she will be working a program of recovery. That will look like a longeterm inpatient or outpatient program, a recovery house, meetings, a job, a Higher Power. Something. You will know very quickly if she is a good "risk" or not. But those kids come first. Ok. Give her some rope... and see what happens. She'll either tie a knot to recovery and hang on for dear life, or she'll hang herself... (sorry if that metaphor sounds cruel but it's very true and so very important for your grandkids...)

Cupicake

I've felt the same way. Thought I've lost hope. Thought there was no hope and never will be but I realized that it wasn't hope I was losing. I was losing and letting go of my expectations. I was let down everytime my expectations led me to believe that things will be different...that everytime my exhusband said he wants to get clean he would...that everytime he got clean and started recovery he would stay in recovery. (I hope this is making some sense.) Please don't get me wrong...I am not assuming that I know how you all feel more than you know yourself but I believe as human beings it is our nature to always have hope. It's just that when we get let down so much we try to protect ourselves from further hurt and our expectations no longer remain in a positive light. I expect the worse so that when we get the worse we don't feel disappointment. It's hard not to get to this point when dealing with addiction.

BigSis

This thread makes my heart ache.... sending prayers to all of you and all the children.


I picked up some speaker tapes from AA and Alanon the other day. Both of those help me, the Alanon when I need to figure out what is the next step and the AA when I need to believe in the miracle.



(((Prayers))))

caileesnana

I do believe where there is life there is hope. However, we can only fix ourselves, not our precious children. Tomorrow I won't have any hope...I'm the mother of an AD!!!!

prayers for all of us and our kiddo's.
susan