Not feeling so strong tonight....

Old 03-11-2008, 10:58 PM
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Not feeling so strong tonight....

I am having a really hard time tonight; everything is just hitting me; I guess I was sort of in shock yesterday or something. I am so incredibly angry at exah for all the lies he told about me and especially for trying to destroy our son like he did yesterday, and for fighting so hard to keep from taking care of his children.

I don’t like the word ‘hate’, but if I were to be honest, hate is what I am feeling right now. Hate and disgust. I keep having this conversation with him in my head (well, he doesn’t get to say anything…) and just ripping him to shreds. I don’t want to feel like this.

My rational self knows he is just very, very sick but right now I am finding it impossible to care about that or to have any compassion for him at all. I know that what I am feeling is probably normal, but I want it to go away.

I know exah is sick, but how on earth can a father be so selfish and cruel? I will be the first to admit I made a lot of mistakes, too, but I really did try for a very long time to make it work. We were married for so long and I had three children with him-I just can’t believe how intent he was on making me the cause of all his problems. Even with everything we have been through, I never in a million years would have thought that he would so completely abandon his children or be so intent on destroying me.

Just needed to get it out there; maybe I can sleep now. Thanks for listening!
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Old 03-11-2008, 11:04 PM
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It's an ugly disease!
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Old 03-12-2008, 02:55 AM
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Jen, you have had to hold together to get through the past couple of days, and you did well to maintain your serenity and dignity in the midst of all the chaos.

I think your mind and emotions are just catching up right now. Now that it's over and you are in a safe place with what all has happened, perhaps your mind still needs to process the pain and reality of his cruelty.

I think you might want to take a couple of days just for you and work through this from a gentle place. Post here and get out as much as you need to, maybe write one of those letters that we never send but where we can just let the pen say everything our heart feels and then maybe burn it and give it all to God.

Sometimes we get so used to the pain and the chaos that we don't notice the toll it is taking on our emotions, and then we end up in a sort of "post traumatic stress" situation when it is over and we realize what we just went through.

Sending special hugs and lots of prayers for you and your kids. You have a beautiful new beginning ahead of you and right now you just need to finish the clean up of the past.

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Old 03-12-2008, 04:01 AM
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I feel your pain,it sucks,my AH and his family have totally ignored our kids also.I know reminding myself they are all sick doesn't totally relieve all my anger,in time I guess it will. No contact has helped me stay out of their craziness but at the same time how can these awesome kids be forgotten about. Thank God I have a loving and supportive family,they make up for the missing grandparents on my AH's side. When it comes down to it my kids always knew Dad's family is "different" from Mom's family. They don't seem to miss my AH's side of the family,miserable,loud people who complain about everything. Still some acknowledgement that they do have other grandkids such as a phone call to see how they are doing would be nice. Ahh what a screwed up scenerio........ Take care,thinking of you.
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Old 03-12-2008, 04:24 AM
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My A father pretty much abandoned us after he and my mother divorced (he did pay his child support but that was it). My friend's exhusband has done the same with his children. Both went on to marry other women who supported this type of abandonment, and both seem to fall under the narcissism type personality. It is a very selfish person who puts himself/herself before their children, in my opinion. And I also believe that some people just don't have that empathy "gene". Don't know why. But some people just should never have been parents, in my opinion. Maybe somewhere down the line he will find sobriety and a program that teaches him that parenting is way more than appearances, that love is unconditional, and that happiness is not winning or losing. It is not something you need to dwell on, though, or hold your breath for. I would grieve through this for a bit, as well as grieve for your divorce, even if the guy is a jerk and you wanted it. It's still a tough place to be at this stage in life. Love your children, give them plenty of exposure to healthy male role models (uncles, pastor, you know) and give this one over to AH.
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Old 03-12-2008, 04:41 AM
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it is the drug you hate, not him. i am sorry you are going thru all of this. sending you big hugs & prayers for you & your family.
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Old 03-12-2008, 05:38 AM
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It's ok to be angry. Follow the wise advise given by all these people here. Please know that we all care and go easy on yourself. I am excited for you about the new world you are about to find. Hugs.
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Old 03-12-2008, 06:20 AM
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Originally Posted by hope213 View Post
it is the drug you hate, not him.
Thanks for the support (and good to see you here)!

I understand what you are saying but trust me, it is HIM I am angry at right now.

I used to blame the drugs, but not anymore.
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Old 03-12-2008, 06:22 AM
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I just reread my post where I said give this one over to AH--whoops!!

I meant HP
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Old 03-12-2008, 08:03 AM
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It's normal to feel this way. I personally think you are in the angry stage of greif for all that has happended including yesterday. It's been traumatic duet. You've been through a war. Unimaginable torture has been used. You've been betrayed but worse, your kids have been betrayed. You've had to take steps to protect yourself and your kids against the very person who should have been beside you, not against you.

If a stranger had done these things to you, it would be easier to let go, but the fact that someone you loved and treasured, the father to your kids, did all that he did, that hurts to the bone, it also makes the anger much more intense. Anger can help us mask some of that hurt, at least for a little while, until we can deal with it, and process it.

Just don't let it consume you duet. You have the tools to get through this. Use that anger and hatred you feel right now to help get you through a short period of time, but don't let it turn to bitterness, don't allow it to harden your heart, use it then let it go.

Sending lot and lots of hugs and prayers to you. Be aware of the stages of greif that you may experience, feel them, work through them, if the tears come, let them fall, if you feel like smacking your EXah upside the head, go to the rocking C and find something that needs to be demolished and have at it. Just try not to hold any of it in.
We are here for you, we rejoice in your new beginnings with you, and mourn your losses with you too.

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Old 03-12-2008, 10:04 AM
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Old 03-12-2008, 10:35 AM
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You have every right to be mad. WHat he did...putting your kids in the just wrong. He shouldn't get a free pass for his behavior just because he's an addict or an alcoholic.

I'm just so thankful that you got thru it...
I'm so thankful that your kids have a healthy, loving mom in their corner.
You've been holding it together for so long...I think you're suffering major after-shocks from all the drama.

Hang in there Jen.
The day my divorce became final was the saddest day of all. I fought and struggled to get to that place of 'freedom' for so long and when the day finally came I just fell apart. I literally fell to my knees, sobbing...the pain was so intense. Where I had great sadness, you feel great anger..and both emotions are legitimate... Allow yourself to be angry..hold on and let the anger run its course. It will fade with time. I can honestly say that the only thing that has healed the wounds that were so raw that day has been the passage of time.

Sending understanding hugs your way today.
Keep going're doing great.
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Old 03-12-2008, 02:53 PM
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When I first read your post about the divorce being final, I said an extra prayer because I had a feeling you were going to struggle a bit....not because I'm so smart, but because I've been through a similar situation. We focus so much on one aspect (your divorce) and all your energy has gone into getting it over with.

Now, like so many wise people above me have said, your emotions are catching up with you. Remember, you're perfectly entitled to your feelings. If we don't deal with them when they come, they have a tendency to come back and bite us in the a$$. Personally, I would be very angry, too, if I were in your shoes. I'm not even a mom, but I know how mom's are when someone hurts their kids.

You're doing great, and I hope you can take a little time for you to get through this.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 03-12-2008, 03:32 PM
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Feel what you feel, Jen

Getting your anger and poison out on paper, or here, or on a stack of firewood, has always helped me. It doesn't make it go away; it just gives it an outlet rather than staying bottled up inside. Your one-sided conversations are a great idea! Your body knows what it needs; let it feel what it feels. This feeling will not last forever.

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