katyk

I had been preparing for a discussion with my AH; a final "this is it buddy. Do xxx and yyy or you're out." Well, he quit his job today, and when I got home from work we launched into a five hour emotional upheaval about divorce. He wanted a final answer: are we staying together or not? I then started in on some of my conditions, such as drug treatment and selling his firearms. Initially, he refused, and then he started spinning his stories, pleading and promising me the world, of course.

His response is to be expected, but I'm dissapointed in how I handled the situation. I made several errors:

• Prematurity; I started talking to him about separation before I was really ready, before I had fully prepared myself.
• Emotion; we had our discussion on a very emotionally charged day
• Lack of clarity; I found talking to him that I really didn't feel like giving him any more chances, not in that moment, so then I felt like I didn't know what to do!

So there I was, totally stuck and bogged down with all of this emotion and pain, like I was hanging off the end of the high dive, too afraid to let go and fall but not wanting to crawl back up and try again. Part of me berates myself for not freeing myself from the situation, and another part tells myself that I'm bad for not wanting to try again, maybe this time things will be different. I think I know better, and I'm not sure I have it in me for this to go on much longer.

I'm praying for serenity, for courage, patience and clarity.

Thanks.

Cupicake

I call that "deer in the headlights" moment. You're options are to try to quickly bounce away or to face that car head on. Instinct usually tells us to do the latter. I've been there many times.... It happens. Believe me...there are many opportunities for the discussion to resurface. You haven't lost your chance to speak your mind when you are more prepared for it. Remember...you could always be the one to bring it up...when you are ready. But, also, don't forget that sometimes when we say things unprepared we still get the results we want. It doesn't always have to be in a clear prepared cohesive manner.

outtolunch

Oh for crying out loud......this guy is a big ole baby.

Adults with responsibilities don't quit their jobs, without having another job. Only people with fantasies of a life without consequences do this and many with such fantasies are addicts. Addicts require someone to enable them.

And why oh why are you feeling bad?

What's in this relationship for you? Don't you deserve to treat yourself better than he does, you?

Miss Pink

addicts revert back to diapers whilst in the disease. The only thing adult about him is height.

Focus on your awareness which is what you did RIGHT here.....thats the first step to solution.

StillLearning1

I liked the deer in headlights analogy. I would also add the "shock"/surprise (attack).
They become masters in manipulation. It is difficult to think straight which is their intent.
Don't be too hard on yourself!! Keep in mind you have the right to change your mind!! You do not have to do whatever it is you may have told him he could expect. It is okay to say you are going to take some time to "think" and then you may discuss it with him. You may not- you don't know- you may choose to talk to an attorney first.

A question to ask yourself. Can you expect him to do whatever he promised he will do? If you can't well that is a consequence of his action in the past. Words mean nothing- actions are what counts!

Take care-

AWEDA

Miss Pink,
I love that,
The only thing adult about him is his height.

imallright

Get clear about what you want to have for your life and what you can get in this relationship. I can't tell you the number of times I have "almost"... and then backed away ... You will know what is right for you. It's ok to take one step forward and two back as long as that's what you want to do. Remember as the others have said that a person who is using is a super manipulator... find yourself and stay strong for you... not for him.

Denoraphy

After finding myself in this same situation many, many, times I have learned to just not respond if I am not sure about something myself. I tell him I need a little time to think it over. Of course he does not like that response too much and tries to use it in his favor. But if I continue to not respond, I feel like I haven't sold myself out. Believe me this is hard, I have to continually tell myself to keep my mouth shut.

Don't beat yourself up about it though. You are trying to have a rational conversation about some serious issues with someone who has their own serious issues.

katyk

Okay, I can vouch that there are a few more adult things about his anatomy... haha!

In all seriousness, the immaturity of this disease slays me every time. I don't understand how someone can go from a responsible adult to an irrational, angry child. Luckily I don't have to. Unluckily, I do have to live with it-- for now.

katyk

Its good advice. What do I want? A supportive partner, not a dependent, volatile, disrespectful slug.
What do I get? Not much. I can't even say a warm body in the bed, because he usually stays up all night and sleeps all day. I actually asked AH "what do you think I'm getting out of this relationship?" And he had no response. Interesting, from someone who always has something to say...

BigSis

When my kids were using, I (of course) knew the proper action to take.. immediately! Inpatient rehab...that's the ticket!

Well, after discovering the inpatient rehab wouldn't take my kid until she actually failed at another method (outpatient rehab), I was taken down a notch. But undeterred, I finally got her in for 30 days.

Then she came home and relapsed.

Not one to give up so quickly on the obvious "right" answer, we sent her again. She went for 30 days, plus a 3 month recovery house.

She relapsed.

By then, a year had passed, and things had gone horribly downhill. I knew in my heart the "right " answer.

OUT! Out of my house... take her druggy self to the street!


Except.... I had to let her come back, because *I* was not ready to let my 17 year old go to the street.




But little by little, I set stronger and stronger boundaries. I stopped waiting for the phone to ring when she was out... by taking it off the hook at night. I stopped trying to test her urine, and instead set boundaries around what is acceptable behavior in our home... which meant backing up a little because it had gotten so bad.


I so imagined that "knowing" the right answers would get me the "right " results. Today, I know that doing and knowing are far, far apart, and I may only be able to "do" the little, itty bitty things. But that is ok... every thing I do is better than where I was before.

Eventually, I got to where I needed to be... and I can use that experience today as I go forward with my kids, both of whom have slipped, and one of whom is still out there.

Today, my life is much less chaotic. Busy. Frantic. Sometimes crazy... but not like before. Today, I know I have some measure of sanity and serenity.



I wish you the best.