ColleenC

I have been dating a guy for about 6 months now. I have been friends with his cousin for a long time and I am very close to his mother. She and I talk about his problems all the time. He is definitely an addict, and I admit that I have no control over that. I knew that getting into this relationship. He's recently divorced and been through a 30 day rehab...joke rehab...but still rehab. I knew all of this before I even dated him. When we first started dating, he really wanted to stop drinking. I offered to take him to NA meetings and he even wanted to go, so I went with him. Now hes going back into his downward spiral. I care about him and will be there for him, but I won't allow any drinking or pot in my house and I've made that clear. I won't try to change him, but what I would like to do is somehow report him. He has quite a bit of pot, and I feel that it is my responsibility to report illegal activities. He is still on probation for another month for a DUI and I want to somehow get him caught. I don't want to do it just to get him in trouble, but I really feel that it will be the best thing for him. His mom feels the same way. He needs to be caught in his problems because he will not go get help on his own. I have reported his cousin for having smoking pot, drinking, and shooting guns while drunk all around his two little girls. As far as I know, authorities never responded to that. How can I go about reporting all of these things that are going on?

Latte

Welcome to SR. I'm sure others will be along to share their experience with you.

Spiritual Seeker

Perhaps the best way is to detach from him and focus on yourself, because really that is all you have control of.
The natural consequences of his using will come soon enough, without you getting involved.

Ann

Welcome to SR. Colleen, I'm glad you joined us.

I know the pain of watching an addict destroy themselves, especially when it's someone we love and care about. Sure, we all know what's best for them...to stop using drugs and alcohol. They know that too, but sadly, they won't stop until they are ready and no matter what we do to try to bring about an outcome that will stop them, it's just bigger than any of us, bigger than even a mother's love, and if love could stop them, not one of us would be here.

You knew going in that this man had a problem, perhaps you just didn't realize how all encompassing the problem of addiction can be and how it affects all those the addict loves. If you haven't already been to a meeting, Alanon, Naranon or CoDA are three terrific programs that will help you keep your balance and sanity in a world of chaos and insanity. Whether you choose to stay or go, is entirely up to you, but I suggest you surround yourself with support such as those meetings and here at SR, because it's a very rough road we travel and you may need all the help you can get to survive.

Take a read around, make yourself comfortable, and know you are among people who understand.

Hugs

Latte

I love it here! The replies were right on. When I was ready to get clean I did it, no matter what anyone did until then mattered.

I am watching my father slowly kill himself with his alcoholism and as much as I want to help him, he is not ready. He knows that I am here and whatever program he choses is there when he is ready.

outtolunch

[QUOTE=ColleenC;1703317].

I would like to do is somehow report him. He has quite a bit of pot, and I feel that it is my responsibility to report illegal activities. /QUOTE]

Go to your nearest Police Station and talk to an officer about the situation. Unless BF is selling pot in large quantities or is selling to minors, don't be surprised if they do not respond. They would need reasonable grounds to search and a warrant. It's not worthwhile unless he is a big part of something bigger.

Been there/ tried this with my own AD. There are a heck of a lot more addicts than Police in any community.

sweetpea40

Hi and welcome....
Ok Here goes...Being an addict doesn't end in rehab...Being an addict is a disease that people have...Until we come to grips with that, we will never understand the whole concept...
Going to rehab isn't a fix...Especially if the person did not choose the life style change on their own. You really have to want it.
I am a parent of an addict...Believe me I understand where the mom stands on this...I do understand that being in jail would be safer for her child, than for him to destroy himself on the streets.
I certainly understand you concern for the children and his welfare, but ultimately this is something I think that you might just make so much worse than it actually is at the moment if you turn him in to the police. With that in mind, I would be concerned for your safety as well.
He needs professional help!! There must have been something there for you to been attracted to him in the begin with..Evaluate that and go from there. You might need to pull yourself away from the relationship and let him know the reason why.
I know this has really got to be hard for his mom and you, but way out all the risk involved and be aware of the consequences you may inquire from it.

My BIGGEST Concern is his LITTLE GIRLS!
God Bless You and I will be praying for everyone,
Machele

kj0975

I have to agree with Anvil on this one. Why are u still with him? I mean sure you love him but what will u do while hes in jail? Stick with him? You cant force him to get clean he has to want it and right now he doesnt so nothing u will do will fix it. He will go to jail and get out and use. Is this what you want to go through for the rest of your life?

Wascally Wabbit

I only know what I would do. Especially since there are children around. I would go to the police station and talk to a police officer. It doesn't mean you have to file a report.

You're not going to get the guy to quit druggin and drinkin. They don't quit just because we threaten them. Addiction is much deeper than that. It's a sickness.

Try not to get too involved either. It will only drag you into a mess that you will later wish you had avoided.
My concern is always for the children, and I hate it when they are unable to speak for themselves.

Miss Pink

whats your motive?

Really? To get him to wake up? get busted so he will hit a bottom.

Thats called control.

faithhopelovejr

Don't rat him out. He will somehow find an excuse like the cops are setting him up, etc. In the mind of active addiction, there's ALWAYS an excuse for what the addict does, or doesn't do. And to them, it's a legitimate excuse, it's the gospel. The paranoia and the feeling of being locked inside addiction weighs on their minds more than any cop who punishes them for doing wrong. When he's ready to straighten up FOR HIM, he will. Whatever brings him to his rock bottom will mean so much more because at that point, there will be nobody to blame but himself. And us being outsiders cannot determine where and when his rock bottom will be because that's only up to him, and he won't know until he reaches it. Get yourself to a meeting or counselor if you are choosing to stay in the web of deceit. I just got out of mine with my XAH a little over a year ago, and I'm not quite where I want to be, but I sure am glad I'm not where I was!

rahsue

just my opinion.....

not only does an addict need to hit their rock bottom but they need to figure out their problems that possibly started their using to begin with.

Are you trying to force the issue?
Do you think that by sitting in jail he'll come around to see the logic?
If he goes to jail, what do you think he'll do with the sober time he'll have their?

He needs to learn from his mistakes in order to fix his problem. You can't fix it for him, noone can. Step away from the addict.

good luck