katyk

I'm brainstorming some boundaries and conditions for my household. Looking for feedback, if you have any.

For a little background, I have an AH that occasionally voices interest in recovery, but has never recieved outside help beyond a few appointments with a psychiatrist. He's been actively using for nearly two years.

* * * *

I am living under conditions which are unnaceptable to me. This is going to end. If you are to continue living with me, you will abide by my requirements. If you do not meet these conditions by xxxx date, you will self-select yourself out of our home, and we will live seperately. These conditions are non-negotiable.

Safety in my home is my top priority. In order to respect my need for emotional and physical safety, you will
* Sell your firearms. Your mental health does not permit you to own firearms safely, and you have not respected my wishes to keep them locked up.
* Communicate with me in a manner that is respectful, such as not accusing me of causing your employment problems or blaming me for your drug abuse. You will not swear at me or tell me to shut up. I will remove myself from your presence if you communicate with me in this manner. If you continue to be disrespectful and aggressive, I will proceed as outlined below.
* Commit yourself to recovery. I recognize that you are able to hide drug abuse quite well, and I will never be certain that you are using or not. However, you will demonstrate your willingness to change by following the recovery plan of your choice, and making progress according to the standards set by the treatment program that you choose. Evidence of drug use of any kind (yes, this includes marijuana) in our home and a lack of participation in a recovery program will result in us no longer living together.
* Maintain paid employment and demonstrate engagement in your job as evidenced by going to work on time, every day.
* Demonstrate commitment to our relationship, personal responsibility and investment in our household by giving me 25% of your monthly income or 200 dollars, whichever is larger. I will use this to pay towards our utilities and/or mortgage. You will pay all of your personal bills on time (credit cards, etc).

My commitments:
* I will remove myself from your car loan and any responsibility towards your vehicle. In getting into 3 accidents in 6 months and repeatedly driving under the influence, you have demonstrated that you do not have the ability to consistently drive safely. I will not support you in unsafe behaviors that threaten your life and others'.
* I will continue to go to AlAnon meetings to reflect on my own behaviors and advance my own recovery. This will make me a stronger, healthier person less likely to enable your addictive behaviors.


Consequences
Your failure to abide by any or all of my conditions for living together by xxxx date will result in both of us moving out. We will sell our home and live seperately.

* * *

Thanks,

Katy

kj0975

Sounds good to me looks like you have thought about this long and hard. sounds fair and acceptable. Make sure you are gonna follow through and stick your ground addicts like to test boundries to see if your serious or not.

outtolunch

I understand and applaud the spirit of your boundaries.

Do you think the " if you ________, then I will________", might be a better approach?

It looks like your bottom line is filing for legal separation or divorce. Is that your intention?

Other thoughts:

I am not a lawyer. I am however, aware that Arizona is a community property state and this applies to debts acquired during the marriage as well as selling of property acquired during the marriage.

I am not sure it is possible to remove your name from the car loan. I am also not sure you can compel the sale of your house unless he agrees or there is a court order to do so.

You might want to consult with an attoney.

katyk

Yes, my bottom line is going to be legal separation. I think. I'm taking a few weeks to think all of this through, but that's where I"m headed.

Luckily, my AH wants to get rid of the car, and I'd be surprised if he puts up much of a fight as far as the house goes. He's mostly in a "F--- it all" mentality, doesn't care about things that might hold him down and keep him from indulging in his addictions. Now, separation/divorce brings out the nasty, and I understand that nobody can predict where this will lead, but I don't think he'll be one to throw his weight around by preventing the sale of these items.

I do need to speak with an attorney, particularly if I go through with sticking to these conditions.

hello-kitty

nice work katyk! I agree with the approach outtolunch suggested as well, because it helps associate your action with a specific action of his. Also, it helped me to make up a to do list so that I could always be moving forward toward my final goal of getting my life back in order. Prepare for the worst. But it's ok. You'll get through.