imallright

Well, today is here. I am trying hard to focus on "it's a new day, take it one at a time". Yesterday was tough. My AH doesn't get it. We had yet another round of "why can't you just.....be a good wife, get over it, let it go, have fun, be happy....bla, bla, blah!!!!!! Daughter (14) is getting impossible to handle. She doesn't understand what is going on, since AD has hidden or tried to hide, drug use and of course I don't think she has seen him when he wasnt' high or at least has never been around him without his altered thinking... which is his "normal" state after almost 30 years of drug use. She just thinks that I am being "mean to Dad". My 17 year old son, asked me what the heck was going on .... calmly insisted that the reason his sister is so angry is that the she and actually the two of them, don't know why I am thinking that I need to leave the marriage. I have not wanted to come out and tell the kids the REAL reason why. All kinds of emotions there.... shame, anger, fear, desire to protect them, etc.

Well, I finally decided that maybe my 17 year old needed to know, since I figured that he had probably pieced together what was doing on with AD. I told him that AH has a drug problem and his response was ..."I know that". He then went on to say, "But, I don't think he's smoking anymore, so everything is ok" I explained, the best I could, why even though Dad may not be using today, it doesn't mean everything is ok. I gave some examples of the behavior that I know is a result of extended (years) of drug use. Son's response, "that's just Dad"...he's right, but that's just Dad as a result of the drugs... of course son has never known anything else. SAD. But, he loves his father and that is the way I would want it. I just don't want to be with him any longer. That being said, I am having a tough time putting my foot down and either leaving or getting him to leave.

So, that leaves my daughter. I am so angry with AH that I have to tell my kids something like this. But, I know that I have to do it because my daughter is sooo angry. She is aiming that anger exclusively at me... "it's all my fault" and while I have broad shoulders, I am afraid I am going to lose her if she doesn't have some understanding of the reality of the situation.

So, after all this longwindedness... thanks for listening, today is another day. I made it through yesterday, so I know I can do it today. Please talk to me, I need all the support I can get.

outonalimb

Its so tough when kids are involved.

I left my exah when our son was 5 years old.
I went to a counselor to discuss alot of the issues you raise in your post...I didn't know how to answer my son's questions about why his daddy and I weren't together anymore.

My counselor encouraged me to tell my son the truth in the most age-appropriate way possible. He said I should be very careful not to bad-mouth my exah but to explain addiction as a disease. I gave a very kid-friendly explanation of drugs to my son...and told him that his daddy was a good person but that he had to work on his problem with drugs. I told my son that I loved his dad very much and that he was a good person and that the best thing we could do for him was to pray for him and love him.

When I questioned whether a child as young as my son should be told about the harsh realities of addiction, he said something that really made alot of sense to me...he said that without this information, his world would make no sense. And he was right !!

Your daughter is much older than my son. She knows about drugs. I think honesty is always the best policy with kids...even when the truth is painful and something we'd rather not discuss with them.

Whether you stay or leave the marriage, your children need to know that you'll always be there for them...with honesty and love... And if your AH tries to turn your kids away from you, well, that isn't right but you can't control what he does. You can't be held hostage to the situation just because you want to protect your children from the truth...and I don't think we do our kids any favors when we do this anyway.

Your kids have eyes. They know alot more than you think they do.
Honesty...offered up with huge doses of love and support...goes a long way.

BayAreaPhoenix

Glad you talked to your son. Your daughter is 14! At that age, they're angry, or happy, or sad, or exhilerated - moment to moment as it is. So, while you're getting a lot thrown at you, IMO I think you are also getting a lot of that "teenage" stuff. I'm guessing other parents of kids the same age are going through difficult times with their teens too. I'm not saying that I don't think your daughter is having issues with you and the situation, I'm just reminding you that she's at a tough age and things get a bit out of proportion at those ages - at least that's what I see with friend's and family whose kids are getting in that age-range, or I remember when they were there - some of them have thankfully gotten to a better age!

That being said, as you know, I also feel that kids should be told the age-appropriate truth. So, I won't rehash my opinion - again. Outonalimb had a great example of finding out how to deal with her child, and I think what the counselor told her about her child's world NOT making sense without that information was interesting, and true.

My aunt told me, when I started my divorce process and I had my list of "reasons" (which didn't include addiction, yet, as I didn't know about it). She stopped me and said, it doesn't matter. You don't want to be married anymore, that's enough. It made me stop. Everyone had been so busy questioning me about how I got to my decision, or I felt like I had to make sure everyone understood - I forgot, it's my life, I'm a big girl, and if I don't want to be married anymore, then I could make that decision and it was mine to make. It was an eye-opener. Obviously didn't totally clear everything up, or I wouldn't be here, but I've never forgotten it! Progress not perfection

Hang in there - keep us posted how it's all going!

wooforever

I am a recovering addict and have and XRAH. I was were you are now. I had to sit down with a 13 year and 8 year and tell them that I had to kick their father out because the drugs were to much for me to handle anymore. I told them that there father was the one suppling me with the drugs and that I had done the drugs for a very long time. I had very close realsonship with the 13 year, he took it very hard. But I never regret telling them. I also let my younger son know that if he saw glass pipes sitting around, neddles, or straws do not touch them, when he was visiting his father. He asked his father why he did drugs, I think that was the first time my son has impressed me and that was at 10

I bet if you tell your daughter that she is going to say I know that. But she cannot be mad at their AF because she will never want to hurt him. They get use to the way the addict is, but why should you have to lie to them. Be honest and either tell them way you really want out or just let them think it is your failt.

imallright

Thank you. I made the decision to tell my daughter (14) and I feel so relieved. I hate that she has to know that her Dad has a drug problem... I would love for her to live in a perfect little world, but she doesn't. She handled it ok and told me she loved me and understood what I needed to do. She adores her Dad and I want that relationship to continue... but that is up to him and her. I can't control that. I feel so much better knowing that the pink elephant is finally being addressed and we can move him out of our living room!!!! Honesty is the best policy and I have layed it out there.